Nyasa Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Help, I am feeling overwhelmed! Yesterday I got some great advice on this topic and I was confident he would call and I would stand my ground and not call him again, BUT.....here is the story I have been seeing a guy for only a few months now and while it started out strong, he no longer puts in any effort. I have none him for nearly 10 years now and we have remained friends and lovers on and off and I realize now that he has always been the same! I told myself if we get into a REAL realtionship he will change. I wait patiently for him to fufill all his promises and he does not. I make up a million and one excuses for his behavior and again and again I wait it out thinking it will get better. He lacks affection, but he also lacks the so-called "normal" things like calling back and getting involved in the important things in my life. I "beg" him to love me by running to be by his side everytime he asks and forgiving him everytime he fails to spend time with me or cancels important plans at the last minute or pulls away from me HARSHLY when I touch him. I feel I am a convienace factor for him, that this is HIS realtionship and I tried to tell myself that was ok b/c he has such a busy life, but please a phone call does not take long and funny how he ALWAYS has time for friends and co-workers and not me. I wanted this to work so badly b/c we had talked about it FOREVER and finally we were at a point where we lived near one another and were single, so we gave it a try and I am HUGHLY disappointed now that it has not worked out! His friends and family try to tell me to wait it out and bear with him as he grows up and gets past his issues, but he is 23 and shouldn't he at least know common courtesy. If you feel like he is the one, but you know it will be a lot of work and probably all on your part, should you give it a try? His mother died when he was 5 and he never really had a female influence in his life. He and others blame a lot of his issues on this factor, should I be patient and help him work through it? Will that really teach him ever to be considerate, affectionate and caring? He says all the right things, but NEVER shows me, is it b/c he doesn't care or b/c he just doesn't know how? Also, well the other day I had an important company picnic he promised to go to. He never called me that day like promised adn so I finally called an hour left of the event and he was sleeping! Blamed it on that! i told him he still had time to come and he said "it wasn't worth it, b/c by the time he got there it would be over." I said fine and hung up. Later I called and left a message. I told him it pissed me off and more importantly hurt my feelings b/c he seemed to cancel things at the last minute with lame excuses and was always when it was important to me. I told him I was sick of making excuses for him and being embarrased in front of my friends adn family and I was done with being hurt by men at this point (my ex-fiance ended things a few months back and insisted on not leaving me alone when I was trying to move on, I was sick of being manipulated and played). I told him if he cared he can call, but if he didn't I could no longer put any more effort into someone who did not give back. It's been almost two days and he hasn't called back. No big surprise that is how he works, he is probably expecting me to call again adn apologize for getting mad at him and we will be back to square one. I refuse to call him back, I think I was in the right for being angry and standing up for myself, telling him how I feel. Was I in the right and should I just let it go if he does not call me back or should I call and try to talk it out? I mean how can he just NOT talk to me, it's not like we have not been friends for years!!! I mean I know how flustered and confused he gets when I get mad at him, maybe he took my message the wrong way and I should call and TALK to him. Should I wait for him to call or should I just get over it and call him and try to talk it out, good or bad? I mean damn I really care about this guy, I do not want to let him go, but is that what he is asking of me, to let him go? It's tricky b/c I know him too well and I know he is probably hurt, pissed off and waiting for me to call again, but should that matter, b/c then won't it always be like that! If he REALLY cares he will call right? Any advice would be helpful.
Iluvsiamese Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Nyasa, I replied to your post in the "Confused Women" thread. Have a look there.
SmallWonder Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Alright. I understand what you're going through because it's like reading about myself. And it's taken me this long to realize that the guy I'm HOPING to be a real relationship with just isn't ready. Not the same way I am. Heck, I don't even know if I'M ready, but the fact that he definately ISN'T makes me want it even more. I can't sleep - I lay in bed wishing he was there with me. I can't focus - I sit at home willing the phone to ring. I can't go out - without wondering what he's doing. It's enough to make me cry. I mean, I really really like this guy from deep down inside. I could just sit in the same room with him and we don't have to talk. We took bike rides together on his crotch rocket - we went to dinner with his Nana and his family - we went to eat with his friends. We've slept in the same bed together (sex free) holding hands. And yet, he doesn't call like he did. But he sounds so HAPPY to hear from me when I've called him. It makes me want to scream WHAT"S WRONG WITH YOU? You like me, I know you do - why are you being lazy? Why are you letting your friends drag you around? Why don't you just let yourself love me back? He says he can't love me and he can't be a boyfriend. Is that enough to make me leave or walk away? No. Why? Because I like him and I keep hoping that if I give up, then that's when he'll be ready, and I've left. See, he has this 2 year plan. In 2 years, he'll be ready. It's so frustrating - I've known this guy practically my whole life. He's the boy next door. He's sweet to me, and strong, and good looking, and smart, and funny, and his laugh gives me goose bumps. And his best friends likes me. Likes me, likes me. And he would be so much better for me. It's really sad and every hour of the day I can't stop thinking about this mess. My point is: I can't, and you can't - call anymore. The times I did call I always had some reason that had to do with his work and advice that I needed - that was my cover so I didn't look eager. I think that one of these days, he'll see me out, and that maybe the pieces will fall into place. But I can't force it - it just has to happen. Sad and lonely nights await me, but that's how it has to be. I'm joining the YMCA and I'm reading lots of magazines and I'm emailing my friends and I'm forcing myself to go out on the weekends. Before this guy can love me I have to love myself. That will shine through in the end. You have to believe that.
Author Nyasa Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 I feel your pain Small Wonder and I'm glad you are sticking to your guns, being strong and not calling him. He finally called me today at work, he said it was driving him crazy that I was being a qoute "tough bitch", it helped that he thought I was avoiding his phone calls b/c he kept getting directly dropped into my voice mail (a problem with the phone I have been having, not me, but damn who knew it would drive him crazy enough to call me at work in less than 48 hours). I guess the best advice is "live your live, go on with it and yes, wait for him to call!". If you have honestly expressed how you feel, then the ball is in his court, if he cares HE WILL CALL. It does get confusing with all the games we play or are told to play to get them to wake the **** up! BUT, be open and honest about how YOU feel and what YOU want and if he doesn't receriopcate right away, then back off, live for you and wait it out. If he doesn't call, then well at least you aren't waiting around moping, you are living YOUR life! Keep your mind off of it, I can TOTALLY realte to the sitting in bed thinking about it, not going out, being hopeless etc., etc. And when I came here seeking advice, it helped a great deal, but I was left in limbo, still wandering, not confident in my decision. Then this afternoon I told myself enough is enough. Do I or you really deserve or therefore want someone to ignore us, make us feel unimportant and ask us to WAIT until they are ready, how fair is that? So I said a little prayer to God, said "you know what, it's in your hands now, if he cares and he should be in my life i will trust he will make an effort and if not then help me to move on, be strong and have faith that someone or something far better is out there." It is NOT healthy to sit around, worry, mope and obsess about what he is and isn't going to say and do. KEEP BUSY and hope for the best. If you were honest with your intentions, than that is the best you can do for now. Believe me I care BIG time for this guy and I am happy he called and grobbled and made PROMISES, but if he doesn't hold to it, then forget it! You should feel the same, so he doesn't want to be a boyfriend and in love for two years, let me tell you something, no one is ever READY for love or realtionships, they just happen when it's right. I think in translation he is saying "I'm not into you, but you look good on paper, so I'll keep dragging you along JUST IN CASE!" So he is not ready, then don't allow yourself to be ready for him, MOVE ON. I know, eaiser said then done, but I am telling you the moment I decided to stick to what I had said and not call him, try to focus on the positive side, then he called with apologies. He is TRYING, but trying only goes so far, so I am hoping for the best, but I made it CLEAR I am pissed, I do not appreciate you not appreciating me, I forgive you, I will give you another chance, but stick to your word b/c the chances will RUN OUT, I guarantee that just b/c I have been and seen enough and after evaluating that and taking the advice of others here, I realize you have to be strong, be yourself and don't settle for anything less than what makes you feel good about you and the realtionship. Good luck!
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