bathtub-row Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 If you guys end up staying together, go through the Dave Ramsey financial classes together. How he reacts to them will tell you a lot about his willingness to work with you instead of against you. Plus, Ramsey has great suggestions for couples to work together, particularly when they’re on different ends of the spectrum on money. The classes could even turn around his whole attitude about money. I’m usually one to say that people don’t change but I do believe that money is one area where a person can make adjustments. However, you need to pay close attention to him and make sure the two of you can get on the same page. Reckless spending is a total dealbreaker and if he shows signs of hiding things and lying to you, then you’ve got a problem.
elaine567 Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 I have an ex who started dating someone older and more established who divulged pretty quickly that his base salary is more than she had probably made in five years of working at her full-time white-collar job. She didn't seem put off by it; they're still together years later and she's got a nice filled out passport. Yes that works as it is "traditional", the man makes the large salary. Flip it and the man often gets jealous, upset and resentful. 1
smackie9 Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 ya sure you work on self improving, but when you get comfortable and don't feel you have to impress anyone anymore you go back to you old habits.
Author fieldoflavender Posted December 9, 2018 Author Posted December 9, 2018 So when should you have the actual serious financial discussion? When they ask you to be exclusive? I need I know to have it at some point because we are going forward with dating. The chemistry is there, and values too. But I guess eventually I will need to know if he will change if he has a family and gets married. I have seen guys who spend a lot settle down when they have other responsibilities and commitments - but I don't know if he is one of them.
Author fieldoflavender Posted December 30, 2018 Author Posted December 30, 2018 So more stuff happened/progressed. We got mildly physical - the guy wasn't exclusive yet - wasn't seriously dating some other girl he met before he met me. I am someone who needs exclusivity when stuff like that happens. But it was my fault because I didn't clarify what we were. Anyways - then tragedy happened in his family and now he's grieving. We were exactly at a decision point right before the tragedy - he was going to think about it and give me an answer, but life doesn't happen the way you want it to. Now because of the tragedy, I obviously need to give him time. I have been supporting him through it and I don't think he is of sound mind to deal with us. I guess I just don't know how long I stick around - I am still hurt and angry that he was not sure about us even before all this tragedy happened. Because I still care, I can't exactly go - you deal with you and we will regroup after. But I know things have changed because of both events which are so heavy so early in getting to know each other. Should I stick it out? I feel I am justified to meet other people too because he never gave me any commitment. Yet I feel guilty even though my friends tell me I shouldn't.
elaine567 Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 You appear to be putting your life on hold for some guy who hadn't decided he wanted to be exclusive with you, he had some other girl in tow too. You are now stepping in as nursemaid and bereavement counsellor... Wake up he is not your responsibility. He is just some guy you dated for a short while and who hurt you and caused you pain, you owe him nothing. Walk away. I can see how this will pan out. He gets better he thanks you as a friend for your help or just fades and ghosts you and goes right back to dating others, even that girl he wasn't too serious about... 1
Author fieldoflavender Posted December 30, 2018 Author Posted December 30, 2018 Do you think he's just not emotionally ready for a relationship? I mean I don't know if he's lying about the other girl - I don't think so - I think he isn't that serious about her but the fact that he can't even stop dating her says he maybe simply isn't ready to give up single hood and there responsibilities of being in a relationship. He still wants to spend like a single guy, date like a single guy, and doesn't want to act like a boyfriend. Whereas I am ready to be a girlfriend, but only to the right person. My finances and otherwise are in check right now. I am ready for something serious and long term. He tells me he wants these things and I know he is not a player, but maybe with all the family stuff going on, he simply isn't ready. Should I just walk away completely? Or just give him 2-4 weeks while looking for other people myself? I know for a fact this can't drag on forever - I am somewhat emotionally involved, and I'm still mad at him while still caring for him.
Giraffe-A Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Finances is really important but you really can’t tell much from a first date. People have different approaches to finances, all which may work for them. To some, what’s the point of making money if you can’t enjoy it now. The trick is to find a balance because we need to survive and enjoy life, but we also can’t take any of that when we die.
elaine567 Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Do you think he's just not emotionally ready for a relationship? I mean I don't know if he's lying about the other girl - I don't think so - I think he isn't that serious about her but the fact that he can't even stop dating her says he maybe simply isn't ready to give up single hood and there responsibilities of being in a relationship. He still wants to spend like a single guy, date like a single guy, and doesn't want to act like a boyfriend. Whereas I am ready to be a girlfriend, but only to the right person. My finances and otherwise are in check right now. I am ready for something serious and long term. He tells me he wants these things and I know he is not a player, but maybe with all the family stuff going on, he simply isn't ready. Should I just walk away completely? Or just give him 2-4 weeks while looking for other people myself? I know for a fact this can't drag on forever - I am somewhat emotionally involved, and I'm still mad at him while still caring for him. Men who are interested act interested. He ain't that interested in being YOUR bf. Walk away.
BettyDraper Posted December 30, 2018 Posted December 30, 2018 Money is one of the most common reasons for divorce. It seems like you and this man have very different attitudes toward money and that's not a good sign. He isn't interested in a relationship with you either. Time to move on.
Author fieldoflavender Posted December 31, 2018 Author Posted December 31, 2018 Well we were at a decision point but you guys think he’s now using this subconsciously as a way to not discuss exclusitiviy any further but also not lose me? I guess I have to decide when i can walk away from it - whether it’s now or in another week. I think if anything doesn’t tragedy or death make you even more value the people in your life? Anyways I guess i need to mentally set a time frame even if I don’t tell him. What is considered reasonable? I guess I just want some closure from this.
Author fieldoflavender Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 Okay I'll update this thread. So he initiated and asked me to be exclusive. So I said okay. This was a while back. Things are better, except some physical things which I posted elsewhere. The original financial issues are likely still there, but I'm putting them aside for the time being. He was showing me his phone (I would never snoop) and I saw Tinder still on it. To be honest, I am a bit fed up with having fights so I didn't go into it with him. He's had a lot of stuff going on - so I wonder if he just forgot. But fat chance imo. I think subconsciously he likes having it there. But it seems just lame to me. Why ask me and initiate exclusivity and not get off those apps? I went off for a while, but lately there was another issue, so I re-dl stuff too. I don't think I will talk/meet with other people, but I think it's only fair. So do you guys think we are not quite ready to be exclusive? Should I bring up the Tinder thing with him? I think it's valid - I didn't snoop, he SHOWED me his phone and I saw it. I don't think he's necessarily hiding it - I actually have my apps hidden (even before him) because I don't want co-workers etc to see me on dating app's for privacy reasons. But his was very visible. And deep down, I don't think he's talking to other girls, but I don't know why he hasn't deleted it. It takes 5 seconds to delete something.
bathtub-row Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 I guess what stands out the most to me is that you hold back from talking to this guy and, when you do, it often turns into arguments. Why didn’t you just immediately ask about the app when he showed the phone to you? It’s like the financial stuff, you didn’t know when to talk to him about it. I don’t get the impression you’re comfortable in this relationship and have to wonder why you continue to pursue it. 1
Author fieldoflavender Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 Because I had to confront him that same day about another issue and to be honest, I'm sick of always being confrontational. I guess I'll have to bring this up again this weekend. We had a long discussion about the financial stuff and while of course we didn't come to a strong consensus (it's too early in the relationship for some heavy stuff) but he said he's willing to consider changing some of his spending habits, which I guess at the current time, is encouraging for me to continue. But I will monitor his actions. I am trying to figure it out - I do like him in a lot of other ways and trying to figure out if those other positive things are enough for me to keep trying.
Tamfana Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Because I had to confront him that same day about another issue and to be honest, I'm sick of always being confrontational. I guess I'll have to bring this up again this weekend. We had a long discussion about the financial stuff and while of course we didn't come to a strong consensus (it's too early in the relationship for some heavy stuff) but he said he's willing to consider changing some of his spending habits, which I guess at the current time, is encouraging for me to continue. But I will monitor his actions. I am trying to figure it out - I do like him in a lot of other ways and trying to figure out if those other positive things are enough for me to keep trying. Flip that thought- early in a relationship things shouldn't feel "heavy" to you. Communication and everyday topics shouldn't feel heavy. If they do, there's a problem.
MissBee Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 So I've gone on one date - and yes heavy topics were discussed. I really like the guy but I think he has spending problems - or maybe I will rephrase in that we have different priorities - he has a fancy car, brand name items and travels a lot while I make more than him and spend it on investments and real estate. Am I just wasting my time going on another date with him? I genuinely liked talking to him and being with him - but I want something long term - not just a fling and I don't see how this will work. And I don't want to talk about money so early on. Should I just give it a chance? The other thing was - me and my ex broke up over financial issues (on top of many other issues) due to lack of compatibility and I had problems with him spending beyond his means. So maybe I'm projecting? Hmmm... I think it's hard to say after one date whether or not he has spending problems, based on what you've said. If that's important to you, you should of course be observant and think about these things when assessing dates but there has to be a balance between that and just making a lot of assumptions out the gate. I do think red flags and dealbreakers can come up in date one. Believe me. But in this situation, it may be worth it to hold off on those judgments until you know the person a bit better.
bathtub-row Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Flip that thought- early in a relationship things shouldn't feel "heavy" to you. Communication and everyday topics shouldn't feel heavy. If they do, there's a problem. ^^^ This. There are already too many issues in this relationship.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 This is a difficult situation, and I'm in a similar one - dating someone for 6 weeks, and we click in just about every way, except have very different attitudes and habits around money. We're also trying to find a middle ground, but it's not easy when he's the spender and you're the saver. Older relatives have suggested I might have to control the purse strings if we get married, as I seem to be more conservative and responsible with money than he is. My response is that it feels risky to be with someone who's looser with money. Right now I'm basically in a wait and see mode.
Happy Lemming Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 My response is that it feels risky to be with someone who's looser with money. If I may offer a suggestion... Buy him a used copy (used book store or on-line) of Dave Ramsey's book "Financial Peace". I got a used copy for 75 cents for my girlfriend, as I thought it may help her with the idea of budgeting and saving for a rainy day. It didn't work, but I was only out 75 cents. It might work for you... Best of luck.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 If I may offer a suggestion... Buy him a used copy (used book store or on-line) of Dave Ramsey's book "Financial Peace". I got a used copy for 75 cents for my girlfriend, as I thought it may help her with the idea of budgeting and saving for a rainy day. It didn't work, but I was only out 75 cents. It might work for you... Best of luck. Thanks for the tip. He did write down a list of goals for 2019, and one of them was to put a certain amount of money in savings every month, which he says he's now doing. He's set other goals around money and savings that are steps in the right direction, has taken some notable actions to increase his income. He's self-employed, so can make that happen almost overnight if he wants to. He says he loves how practical and responsible I am, wants to be more like that. So we'll see.
Happy Lemming Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 To: Ruby Slippers That is very promising!! Can you help him do some spreadsheets with budgets, savings goals, etc. Post it on the fridge, that way he can see that with some work, saving that money (every month) is an attainable goal. Kudos to you for wanting to help him reach those goals and setting a good example!!
Ruby Slippers Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 To: Ruby Slippers That is very promising!! Can you help him do some spreadsheets with budgets, savings goals, etc. Post it on the fridge, that way he can see that with some work, saving that money (every month) is an attainable goal. Kudos to you for wanting to help him reach those goals and setting a good example!! Thank you, but I don't want to get into it too much, as this isn't my thread! My short answer is that he's a grown man and needs to be smart and responsible enough to take the initiative on improving his financial planning knowledge and habits, just as I have done. I'm happy to assist and share what I have learned - I already gave him a short talk on why leasing his brand new car is financially unwise - but I'm not going to tell a grown man how to manage his money and micromanage his process. COMPETENCE is extremely attractive. Lack of it is extremely unattractive.
Author fieldoflavender Posted January 12, 2019 Author Posted January 12, 2019 Yeah but that's the thing - the lack of competence is becoming a huge turn off for me. I'm at a similar career stage and I've managed to figure it out. Why hasn't he? It also screams to me of selfish-ness as a man who eventually wants a family. It's all about him/his needs, and because of spending on all that over the years - there's very little for his future family. So with my savings, I'm supposed to pick up the slack? How is that fair? It's like a guy who spends stuff on him traveling etc. and then has no money to buy a house, have a decent wedding, invest in the future generation - all of which takes money. It seems like they're just too immature to want to move towards being a man who will eventually be responsible and in a household investing in a future family. And Ruby Slippers, I guess you have to ask yourself ultimately - what can you truly tolerate? The financial stuff will likely bother you like it's to me right now. I'm considering ending things. I have to evaluate it from all sorts of angles - but I don't see this going well. I know I've been in denial maybe for a while, but I guess it's time to smell the roses. 1
Andy_K Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 It also screams to me of selfish-ness as a man who eventually wants a family. It's all about him/his needs, and because of spending on all that over the years - there's very little for his future family. So with my savings, I'm supposed to pick up the slack? How is that fair? It's like a guy who spends stuff on him traveling etc. and then has no money to buy a house, have a decent wedding, invest in the future generation - all of which takes money. It seems like they're just too immature to want to move towards being a man who will eventually be responsible and in a household investing in a future family. You just described almost every girl under 30 on online dating! No matter what source you use, financial issues are always within the top 2 reasons that couples break up. It's one of those 'big deals' that only gets bigger with time. I honestly don't see this working out, it's just a question of how much time you'll have wasted on him before it ends.
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