Author fieldoflavender Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 I agree - and I don't even know if I even will have kids to leave it to. I guess ultimately it comes down to if we're willing to meet half way at some point if we really want to be together.
PegNosePete Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 he over spends since he still has debt ... we are both in the 6 digits This is all you need to know. To be earning 6 digits and be in debt, he is a serial overspender and will never change. If you had the same attitude then there wouldn't be a problem, you could both go spending together. But you're very different and this will always be a huge problem in any future relationship you were to have with him. NEXT. 1
Cersei Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 Money is a huge deal and you absolutely should not avoid talking to him about this. But sometimes a person who isn't a good money manager is better with someone who is. I've known a couple of people like this. As long as he doesn't sabotage your efforts. It's just something you guys have to get on the same page about before getting too serious. You have to be very cautious about getting back into the same situation you were in before. I agree with this. My brother was very poor with money management and over spending. He met the right woman that helped sort himself out. If they are open to fixing the problem it can work. Don't close the door on him yet. If you like him get to know him better and see where it goes.
Veronica73 Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 (edited) I kinda think you two are probably incompatible. But I may be biased. I can’t imagine making 6 figures and being in debt. I make way less than that and the only debt I have is my mortgage. Is his debt a mortgage? Because that is a little different than car payments, credit card debts, school loans, or the like. (Edit) I suppose if you have that kind of income earning potential, you have the power to pay off debt pretty quickly. I should just shut up as I don’t make anywhere close to that kind of money and have no idea what that lifestyle is like. Edited November 28, 2018 by Veronica73
lana-banana Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 Yeah, the source of debt is crucial here. Is it a mortgage, student loans or medical bills, or credit cards or an overly expensive car payment? It sounds like we are in a similar place financially. Anything with an interest payment (that wasn't a degree, a mortgage, or a reasonable car) would be a nonstarter for me, as would any guy talking numbers and finances on the first date. That's gauche. He was probably nervous and trying to impress. He may end up being pretty insecure about how he "compares" to you.
Author fieldoflavender Posted November 29, 2018 Author Posted November 29, 2018 Yeah his argument is that we never know when we may or live or die or even get to retire. Okay fine - but there needs to be balance. I think in your early 30's, you need to build somewhat of a base before just spending on luxury items. My gut feeling tells me so - but there is something I like about him. But I agree - it's not looking good.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 29, 2018 Posted November 29, 2018 If you're here asking this question ... then his words, what he told you about himself and money, really bothered you and got beneath your skin. There's a small chance that radar is over-reacting ... But very small! Right away, you're turned off by this guy's attitudes towards money. I think it's fine to cut things off ... rather than going on another date and holding your nose, so to speak. We all have our triggers, things that just scream "no" to us when we meet a date. Clearly you have very different attitudes about money than he seemingly has. You sound like someone who saves a lot. If he's not a saver, then you would have to work tremendously hard just to not be freaked out by his living. Bottom line: own your preference ... He's not your type--move on. In fact, you might be more comfortable with someone making a lot less money than this guy but who saves and spends much more within his means.
bathtub-row Posted November 29, 2018 Posted November 29, 2018 Yeah his argument is that we never know when we may or live or die or even get to retire. Okay fine - but there needs to be balance. I think in your early 30's, you need to build somewhat of a base before just spending on luxury items. My gut feeling tells me so - but there is something I like about him. But I agree - it's not looking good. Yeah, his rationale doesn’t bode well. Money between the two of you would probably be a constant point of contention. As I said before, be careful about attracting the same situation you were in before.
Els Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 Let's just say he was very explicit and gave me actual numbers. I actually don't understand why he would do that. Ummm, this would be a dealbreaker to me. Who the hell says all that on a first date, lol? (Unless you asked. You DIDN'T ask, I hope.....?) 1
amaysngrace Posted December 3, 2018 Posted December 3, 2018 Going on a first date with the outlook of joining assets with the person seems rather odd to me. Where’s the romance? 1
Author fieldoflavender Posted December 3, 2018 Author Posted December 3, 2018 No I did not ask how much he makes - it wasn't completely unnatural and it actually came up in our chats before meeting in person. We were just talking about student debt and etc and in person he told me how much debt he has - so I can assume enough about his debts and spending. So no I do not know exactly how much he makes per year but I have a very close friend who has a very similar job so I can deduce. Well I guess it depends on what you're looking for - if there's major incompatibilities, I'm worried the "romance" will suck me in and in the end, I'll have to end it due to major incompatibilities anyways. So we're thinking of going on a second date - so I guess I will give this one more chance? I really like his sense of humour and there was chemistry, but yeah I'll need more information about this whole financial deal if this gets serious.
Els Posted December 3, 2018 Posted December 3, 2018 No I did not ask how much he makes - it wasn't completely unnatural and it actually came up in our chats before meeting in person. We were just talking about student debt and etc and in person he told me how much debt he has - so I can assume enough about his debts and spending. So no I do not know exactly how much he makes per year but I have a very close friend who has a very similar job so I can deduce. Well I guess it depends on what you're looking for - if there's major incompatibilities, I'm worried the "romance" will suck me in and in the end, I'll have to end it due to major incompatibilities anyways. So we're thinking of going on a second date - so I guess I will give this one more chance? I really like his sense of humour and there was chemistry, but yeah I'll need more information about this whole financial deal if this gets serious. So, he didn't give you actual numbers for his income. Honestly, I'd just carry on dating him if you like him. It's way too soon to be trying to deduce all this. Also, student debt is not the kind of "debt" that necessarily indicates reckless spending.
elaine567 Posted December 3, 2018 Posted December 3, 2018 If you like him then go on a second date, why not? BUT money does matter and the fact you are earning double his income and he has a big debt and an expensive spending habit will no doubt cause huge rifts in your relationship. Also men in general rarely like it when women earn more than they do, or have accumulated more wealth, it rankles. If he has a big earning potential that will surpass or equal yours then it may work, otherwise you may end up with a very unhappy, disgruntled partner long term...
amaysngrace Posted December 3, 2018 Posted December 3, 2018 Well I guess it depends on what you're looking for - if there's major incompatibilities, I'm worried the "romance" will suck me in and in the end, I'll have to end it due to major incompatibilities anyways. So admittedly you’re worried about his spending habits. Why is it any of your business after just one date? You don’t know him well enough to judge how financially responsible he is. You’re making a snap judgment based on a prior misjudgment you’ve made. He’s not the same guy. Don’t make him pay for the sins of somebody else. Just try to keep an open mind and take it a day at a time because dating is suppose to be fun.
Author fieldoflavender Posted December 4, 2018 Author Posted December 4, 2018 For everyone who keeps asking me if it's my business - well it is because he is looking for long term and so am I and we're both not 16 years old and in high school trying to figure out what movie we want to go see after school or which mall to hit. If I am looking for a one-night stand, then sure it's not my business and we just keep killer chemistry and hot bodies and go for it. Otherwise, yeah finances are a big deal. And the number of dates is debatable but if there's clear red flags, then it just becomes a painful break-up or waste of time if I get in too deep otherwise. There is chemistry - which is why any of this even matters. If there wasn't, I wouldn't even think about it one more second. But I do like being with him so far, so I do have to consider these things. It's not completely just undergrad student debt -we both have advanced degrees. And it's more about priority for me on what one spends money on. If he made less but did smart finance management, then that's different. I have a current job situation that pays a lot more than his - I guess to make him feel better and ensure I pay less alimony if things don't work out, I could cut back how much I work after marriage. And ultimately that just means I enjoy less nicer things. Yay. And his attitude towards life is so different than mine. It's the whole - I'm just going to enjoy my life for me right now because who knows how long we live for. Yeah except if you do live long and then you're stuck working until your 70's with luxury items that have long depreciated and going to end up with some bad nursing home. 1
Highndry Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 Do you ever just relax a little bit? You're coming off as way too serious and uptight. There's also a superiority complex vibe you're giving off.
Wallysbears Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 (edited) As a high earning woman, I get every single thing you’ve said here....and more. You are building your worth for your future. You don’t want to work until you die. And you don’t want to live band to mouth. A man that doesn’t match those goals financially will NOT BE a relationship match. The sex may be hot as hell...but you won’t be able to stand him out of the bedroom after a bit. Edited December 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed part that was off topic and opinion on another poster 1
diddilybop Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 Do you ever just relax a little bit? You're coming off as way too serious and uptight. There's also a superiority complex vibe you're giving off. THIS. OP, you have such rigid criteria and seem to always be looking out for red flags. while there's nothing wrong with wanting what you want/deserve and protecting yourself, you have this self-sabotaging attitude that makes it very difficult for you to like anyone or give any guy a chance. it'll also make dating a very challenging road for you too.
Author fieldoflavender Posted December 5, 2018 Author Posted December 5, 2018 Meh alimony is very real listening to real people who have had to deal with it. Sure nothing is perfect and nothing is guaranteed but if one day people change (and do they ever), then if I'm willing to fork over years and years in my country of unfairness re: divorce of hard earned money to someone who can choose not to work to maintain a certain lifestyle, then it may not be so peachy. I didn't relax to get to where I am in life today. If everyone just relaxes, then you will only accomplish so much in life. Sure love is different but anyways, I get it, I wasted time with bad ex's in the past and now I'm a bit beyond my prime and the choice/selection is really not great. So the decision is just whether to stay alone or be with someone who I am settling for. I guess time will tell.
Author fieldoflavender Posted December 6, 2018 Author Posted December 6, 2018 Not good enough. It only protects against pre-marriage assets and not very cleanly. I am 100% getting one, but even then, you could still get stuck paying up to 5 years of alimony even after 1 year of marriage, even if your spouse is making 6 digits. It's messed up laws. And sadly, if someone who makes less money is always contributing more to the family, then it works - except in real life, we know that's not always the case right.
Highndry Posted December 6, 2018 Posted December 6, 2018 Not good enough. It only protects against pre-marriage assets and not very cleanly. I am 100% getting one, but even then, you could still get stuck paying up to 5 years of alimony even after 1 year of marriage, even if your spouse is making 6 digits. It's messed up laws. And sadly, if someone who makes less money is always contributing more to the family, then it works - except in real life, we know that's not always the case right. There's always boxed wine and cats... 1
diddilybop Posted December 6, 2018 Posted December 6, 2018 (edited) There's always boxed wine and cats... hahah. hey, i'm a cat lady (albeit not single) here...and proud of it! Edited December 6, 2018 by diddilybop 1
Blanco Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 I have an ex who started dating someone older and more established who divulged pretty quickly that his base salary is more than she had probably made in five years of working at her full-time white-collar job. She didn't seem put off by it; they're still together years later and she's got a nice filled out passport. Money is one of the biggest stress points in a relationship, so it's key that both people be in the same ballpark for how personal finances should be handled. Doesn't sound like you two are a match.
Author fieldoflavender Posted December 7, 2018 Author Posted December 7, 2018 I need to know him more to see how much possibility is that he could change. I asked him last time and he said if he has a family, he would try to change. How feasible is that? I don't know. But I really like him - the more and more I talk to him. I guess by date 3-4, I may discuss finance ideologies again to see if there is any potential for it to move forward or be exclusive at least. Right now, I'm 100% not exclusive because I don't know where this is going to lead. I guess for a personal example for me - I hate cooking and I hate cleaning. I am hygienic, but I am a messy person. I know it's a bad habit, but could I improve? Absolutely. Will it take time and work? For sure. But for the right person, I would work on it. I don't know if that's the same for him.
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