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financial incompatibility

fieldoflavender

By fieldoflavender
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fieldoflavender Established Member

fieldoflavender

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So I've gone on one date - and yes heavy topics were discussed. I really like the guy but I think he has spending problems - or maybe I will rephrase in that we have different priorities - he has a fancy car, brand name items and travels a lot while I make more than him and spend it on investments and real estate.

 

Am I just wasting my time going on another date with him? I genuinely liked talking to him and being with him - but I want something long term - not just a fling and I don't see how this will work.

 

And I don't want to talk about money so early on.

 

Should I just give it a chance? The other thing was - me and my ex broke up over financial issues (on top of many other issues) due to lack of compatibility and I had problems with him spending beyond his means. So maybe I'm projecting?

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Highndry Established Member

Highndry

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So you've been on one date with the guy and you think you know everything about his income and net worth? Here's a clue: YOU DON'T.

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fieldoflavender Established Member

fieldoflavender

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Let's just say he was very explicit and gave me actual numbers. I actually don't understand why he would do that.

 

Unless it's a test to make sure I'm not after his money? Now that would be messed up and he knows I'm in the same field. MEH. Yeah it was a bit heavy for a first date.

TheRainbow Established Member

TheRainbow

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Did he say that he didn't invest any of his money? I know when I first went on a date with my husband, he picked me up in a brand new car. It wasn't top of the line like a Lexus or anything, but it was nice enough that I knew he had some money. But it didn't tell me if misused his money or not. It's very likely he was just trying to get a read on you, seeing if you were after his money or not. That is my take atleast.

amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

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As long as he keeps working he’ll make more money. I don’t see what the problem is with him enjoying his hard-earned money the way he wants to.

 

He doesn’t owe you money so you really shouldn’t judge.

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Money is one of the biggest destroyers of relationships and marriages. Always has been, always will be. You are wise to look for someone who has a similar financial values as you do.

 

However rather than looking at what he spends his money on, I would determine if he lives beyond his means or not. He might earn well but is he in debt? Does he live paycheck to paycheck, spending everything on fancy things? Or does he make wise financial decisions, and then buy toys with the remainder?

 

It often takes months of dating before you can answer these questions. I would be glad you've fast-tracked that. Now you can make an informed decision whether to continue or not.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Perhaps discussing long term financial goals would be wise.

Andy_K Established Member

Andy_K

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As mentioned earlier, money is the biggest obstacle in any relationship. If you're not on the same wavelength, you might as well not bother.

 

It doesn't matter if he is living within his means and only spends the excess on material things. If you're the sort of person who would never buy those no matter how well off you are (and it sounds like this is the case), then it WILL cause issues further down the road.

 

I'm the same. No interest in flash cars or fancy clothes. I'd have a hard time dating someone who did spend a lot of money on those things, unless they were earning multiples of my income. Which is unlikely.

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central Established Member

central

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If you like him otherwise, go on another date or two. I would probably be put off by someone who seems to be bragging about their spending, though. Perhaps he didn't mention his savings, or has an inheritance invested, or even a trust fund. If he is a spender and does not save, then yes, you're probably incompatible. It's worth talking about

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bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

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Sounds like he enjoys his money. I’d give it a little more time, maybe a couple of more dates. Since you guys have the deep discussions, have some more about investing vs spending. I can see where the two of you could balance each other out if he’s not resistant to investing and you’re not resistant to enjoying things.

Edited by bathtub-row
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Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

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Let's just say he was very explicit and gave me actual numbers.

 

In my opinion, that is a no-no and in poor taste... The only person I've ever discussed my income/expenses with was an IRS agent.

 

I've been dating my long term girlfriend for almost 7 years and she knows very little about my finances. She knows how much I have in my budget for entertainment/travel and we discuss adventures and make plans. Other than that, she knows nothing of my household income, budget or expenses.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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It's a little early to get into these kinds of details. Him oversharing alone would make me back off.

 

I'm inclined to give mediocre dates a 2nd chance in case the bad stuff was a case of nerves on the 1st date. That doesn't sound like his problem. He seems to have enough confidence, unless the bragging about his flashy lifestyle was a cover-up. If that is the case, he was bragging & leading with his money because he is overcompensating, one a guy like that settles down & becomes a provider, as long as he has a somewhat flashy car you can probably convince him to save more / invest wisely.

 

However if you are already bothered by this, maybe don't waste your time.

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bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

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I, too, think it’s odd that he shared that much info about his income that quickly however I think it depends on the circumstances and the context of that conversation. I’m not sure what the circumstances were that caused him to do that.

 

I dated a guy once who talked constantly about the money he made, on our first date. It was such a turn-off. I never went out with him again.

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Wallysbears Established Member

Wallysbears

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Ugh.

 

I find all that you described incredibly tacky and wouldn't have given him a second date back in my dating years.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Since you've already been down this road with your ex why in the world would you even consider giving this guy a chance. You say you genuinely like talking to him well you can still talk to him just don't date him. Don't waste your time.

Simple Logic Established Member

Simple Logic

Posted
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So I've gone on one date - and yes heavy topics were discussed. I really like the guy but I think he has spending problems - or maybe I will rephrase in that we have different priorities - he has a fancy car, brand name items and travels a lot while I make more than him and spend it on investments and real estate.

 

Am I just wasting my time going on another date with him? I genuinely liked talking to him and being with him - but I want something long term - not just a fling and I don't see how this will work.

 

And I don't want to talk about money so early on.

 

Should I just give it a chance? The other thing was - me and my ex broke up over financial issues (on top of many other issues) due to lack of compatibility and I had problems with him spending beyond his means. So maybe I'm projecting?

 

You are treating this guy like he is one of your investments. You see this person as having bad management. You are looking for a quick return on capital, not willing to invest much or accept much risk.

TheRainbow Established Member

TheRainbow

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Honestly, I'd go out on another date. It's the first one, you enjoy his company and it doesn't' hurt to get a feel of what his long-term plans are.

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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Judgment about money aside since you don't know what his real financial picture is I would be concerned about his over sharing on a first date and why he felt to the need to try and impress you with things.. that to me would be a deal breaker...

 

For sure matching on those type of goals means a lot but remember that time changes all things.. including your life and goal/finances..

 

For example.. having different long term finical goals is okay while dating but when you get married and have a few kids things change..

 

What happens if you become a SAHM and he makes all the money ?

He would have to stop buying cars like a single guy and you would have to learn how to live on a budget, like millions of people have done before...

In my 20's I had boats and a cool single life... not like that today...

 

so in other words.. if you like the guy.. go out... but if him oversharing gave you the heebie jeebies then next him...

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Don't waste your time, financial compatibility is crucial for long term.

 

 

 

Maybe he's looking for a sugar momma. There are men out there that specifically look for a goose that lays golden eggs, embezzling money from their unsuspecting partner or partners to support their lavish lifestyle.

jgraham11 Established Member

jgraham11

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I've been in the same boat in the past. I'm a financial advisor so whenever I meet people who are spending beyond their means it's a red flag to me. I can't help it but to be a little worried from a compatibility standpoint. I once had a girlfriend who insisted on always wearing Burberry and Oscar De La Renta... Needless to say that relationship didn't last long.

 

I don't think you're wrong for valuing financial sense in a relationship. Sure, everybody should enjoy themselves and indulge from time to time, but you need to be smart about it. Sounds like this guy may not be.

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fieldoflavender Established Member

fieldoflavender

Posted
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Thanks guys - yeah I think it was nerves for him in the first date or even before leading to that. Well he actually recognized he over spends since he still has debt and says he shouldn't do it. So he acknowledges the issue, but I wonder if he has impulse control problems. I don't know how change-able these issues too.

 

It's just so early. It's just I've been on ten million first dates since my break-up and I actually liked him. Aside from the financial concern - and I perhaps really don't know enough about it. I'm pretty sure I make more than him but yeah who knows in the future right - some times things can change.

 

I guess I will see a bit longer, but yeah if we were going to be serious/exclusive, then maybe we need a heart to heart about whether it could work out.

 

I avoided all these conversations with my ex because I was so scared it was "too early" and that it would ruin our relationship blah blah - and ultimately it just dragged things out and ruined it anyways. I'm not saying we have a financial meeting the second date, but maybe talk about it when we are exclusive to see?

 

I'm still going to date other people in the meantime though.

 

Issue is no person is perfect. Of course don't know him well enough but he seems like a nice guy otherwise.

jgraham11 Established Member

jgraham11

Posted
Posted
Thanks guys - yeah I think it was nerves for him in the first date or even before leading to that. Well he actually recognized he over spends since he still has debt and says he shouldn't do it. So he acknowledges the issue, but I wonder if he has impulse control problems. I don't know how change-able these issues too.

 

It's just so early. It's just I've been on ten million first dates since my break-up and I actually liked him. Aside from the financial concern - and I perhaps really don't know enough about it. I'm pretty sure I make more than him but yeah who knows in the future right - some times things can change.

 

I guess I will see a bit longer, but yeah if we were going to be serious/exclusive, then maybe we need a heart to heart about whether it could work out.

 

I avoided all these conversations with my ex because I was so scared it was "too early" and that it would ruin our relationship blah blah - and ultimately it just dragged things out and ruined it anyways. I'm not saying we have a financial meeting the second date, but maybe talk about it when we are exclusive to see?

 

I'm still going to date other people in the meantime though.

 

I personally make over 100K (won't say anymore), but I'll consider women who make substantially less if it's a good fit. I don't need to be dating some CEO to feel good.

 

Issue is no person is perfect. Of course don't know him well enough but he seems like a nice guy otherwise.

 

 

Wait, you'd stop dating him because he makes less than you..:confused:

 

Unless you're comfortably making something in the high 100K or 200K and he's at like 45K then I could see that. Otherwise just because you make a little more than him shouldn't be a deal breaker on its own.

bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

Posted
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Money is a huge deal and you absolutely should not avoid talking to him about this. But sometimes a person who isn't a good money manager is better with someone who is. I've known a couple of people like this. As long as he doesn't sabotage your efforts. It's just something you guys have to get on the same page about before getting too serious. You have to be very cautious about getting back into the same situation you were in before.

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fieldoflavender Established Member

fieldoflavender

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I would say I likely make double what he makes and we are both in the 6 digits. I don't know if I will keep up this level of work though. And no I won't stop dating him because of that - but I will if he has major spending issues and spends it on things that I don't think make sense - eventually if I have to be in a family with him, there would be major issues. I don't know the answer to all those questions at this point.

 

Don't get me wrong - I love nice things like everyone else, but isn't it good to have SOMETHING saved up for retirement or some property before you blow it on race cars?

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Highndry Established Member

Highndry

Posted
Posted (edited)
I would say I likely make double what he makes and we are both in the 6 digits. I don't know if I will keep up this level of work though. And no I won't stop dating him because of that - but I will if he has major spending issues and spends it on things that I don't think make sense - eventually if I have to be in a family with him, there would be major issues. I don't know the answer to all those questions at this point.

 

Don't get me wrong - I love nice things like everyone else, but isn't it good to have SOMETHING saved up for retirement or some property before you blow it on race cars?

 

 

For some, yes, for others, no. Some guys live to race, and will spend every last penny they have on it.

 

 

I remember the last words of my dying mom - I wish I would have retired and lived a little. Going to your grave with all your money isn't all it's cracked up to be. Retirement isn't guaranteed, nor is life.

 

 

Neighbor of mine just kicked the bucket. He was 52. Blood clot stopped his heart after he had a "routine" surgery. He was relaxing in his chair and then life was over. His retirement never happened. Somebody else will spend his money.

Edited by Highndry
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