Allie20 Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 So my bf and i been dating for 5 months now. Everything was good in the start. Him and his ex of 7 years broke up last year and became friends as there’s no spark anymore, they are bestfriends since they were teenagers (26 now), he doesn’t have many friends and she’s the closest one to him. Before we started dating he said they used to hangout and like talk daily on the phone, until he met me then he stopped seeing her but was still talking on the phone for an hour like 3–4 times a week. i didn’t know about all of that until i asked and when i said 3–4 is a lot he said he talked to her and told her they can’t be close friends anymore and she got upset that she wants to feel freely when she wants to talk to her friend and he agrees with her, and around the second month i told him that he should stop talking about her because everytime we met he would mention her name in a story casually, and when i told him after many times that i really don’t want to hear her name anymore and that he should stop talking about her, he stopped, but told me he wasn’t aware he was doing it and that they aren’t even talking anymore except about formal stuff like her getting stuff or a medicine name (she came got some stuff she needed but they didn’t meet he just placed them outside in a box). Sometimes later we were talking about openness and he said i bet if you go through my phone you won’t find any girl except my family doctor, so i assumed that they aren’t talking at all anymore. And one night he opened his messages to show me some messages from his classmates and i saw her name as they messaged 2 days ago. i got upset and he didn’t understand why and i said because i feel betrayed you told me you guys aren’t talking anymore and i see that message and he said there’s nothing i can even show you the massage i just sent her a link for a website we were talking about a while ago, and he said i’m sorry you thought i cut communication with her i said u said that you’re not talking to any girl, and he said ya she is just a friend. A month after that i told him to cut communication with her and he resisted and said he’s the only person who knows her past what she went through with her crazy mom as he supported her and she won’t have anyone to talk to and i said why the extra care it’s so weird and he said isn’t this what friends are for and i said not when you’re in a relationship, he said we’re not even meeting i said then what’s the point of the friendship he said we’re happy with just phone calls and texting, and he said all their conversation are all about interesting topics or about family, he said nothing romantic just like how friends chat, he always tells me that he will never go back to being in a relationship with her and that he is over her romantically, but doesn’t want to lose the friendship at all as she is a great, smart person who knows him too well and if she ever cross the line or wants to damage our relationship he’d cut the friendship, i was still bothered by it because i told him what if he gains emotions he said he will never because he chose me and is very happy with me, and she is just an interesting chat buddy and him and his mom told me that if i ever meet her that i will like her a lot and we’ll get along . A month later i could’t handle it so i told him to cut this friendship as it’s making me anxious to death. He phoned her and talked for 45 minutes she cried a lot he said, and he said goodbye to her and that if i am open to this friendship in the future he’d love to be her friend again. When he told me this he was very sad and emotional, and since then he told me not to open this topic, since then he’s been distant still loving and funny when we hangout and when i got upset that he is sad about it he said of course because he lost a friend and that made me more upset as i felt he is emotionally attached to her. I asked him if he’s over her emotionally and he said yes and he only has love for me and she was just a great friend that he will always be sad about and that what he did is a sacrifice so he gives out relationship a chance to develop, and he still doesn’t get why i was against it i said because of the extra attention like 3–4 times a week phone calls and he said he doesn’t see anything wrong with it and when i told him no girl will like that he has a picture of her on his fridge and he said there’s nothing wrong with it as she is just a friend and only insecure people will think that way (he got a photo of her with him and his family on his fridge) it’s like he doesn’t know what is right or wrong in a relationship like he’d defend anything to have that friendship, and last time he told me after that phone call when he ended it she sent him a funny video on fb but he hasn’t replied and asked me if he could say thanks, and i said of course not, you made a promise like wth, then he said if she texts me in the future what should i do just ignore her and i said yesss because she will think that door is open again, and i said why did you wait 3 weeks to tell me she messaged you he said he forgot when i feel he was just hiding. he offered last time to show me all their text messages since right when he started dating me to show me that their conversations got nothing in it except friendship. And the more he pushes this way the more i feel worried and that he is not over her emotionally or over their past relationship. Don’t understand why sooo attached to her, it’s worse than before he ended it. Don’t know what to do!!!! Btw he only mentions her whenever i bring her up.
SunnyWeather Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 this is a tough one. I still communicate often with my ex of 10 years now. We are like family to each other. He is newly engaged and I'm with someone now too, I've met her and my BF has met my ex. I can understand you feeling upset, so you two are going to have to find a way to feel comfortable in this arrangement. That is, provided he doesn't have any ideas or notions of ever getting back together with her, and the same for her....complete transparency is important.
Author Allie20 Posted November 27, 2018 Author Posted November 27, 2018 this is a tough one. I still communicate often with my ex of 10 years now. We are like family to each other. He is newly engaged and I'm with someone now too, I've met her and my BF has met my ex. I can understand you feeling upset, so you two are going to have to find a way to feel comfortable in this arrangement. That is, provided he doesn't have any ideas or notions of ever getting back together with her, and the same for her....complete transparency is important. I am super hesitant about what to do, and having a hard dealing with my own insecurities and anxiety. I keep thinking to tell him talk to me when you're ready to have a deep relationship with someone and deal with your past feelings, i don't want to feel like a second. I told him last time that i am open to them being friends in the future i just need time to build trust between us first and form the relationship and he said i appreciate that but i still don't get why cut it in the first place ughhhh he's feeling now that he's doing me a favour when all i feel is resentful feelings from him.
SunnyWeather Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 at some point, he should introduce you two, and you should be included in things that they do, if it's more than just talking on the phone. 1
Highndry Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 This reminds me of the thread where a guy was feeling the same way you are because his gf was spending a lot of time talking to her ex, even going hiking and things as "friends" because they had been together a long time. He finally got suspicious because her ex had a key to her house and it was just too much contact for him to be comfortable. He eventually caught her cheating due to some of their texts. I don't want to say that your bf is going to cheat, but past relationships are just that - THE PAST. Your bf cannot continue to be her emotional support structure while having you as his gf. It just doesn't work. If it's bothering you, then it's affecting the relationship and it needs to end. It's sad that she loses him, but she needs to find somebody new.
Gretchen12 Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 I dated a guy one time he brought his ex-wife along for the date saying that she would also like to go to the event, she was his family and that I'd really like her. Ok whatever. Relationship didn't work out anyway but it was funny how clueless some people are. I could have brought an ex too, and his ex can bring her new husband who also has an ex. You can call me insecure or old fashioned. I just think all these ex's acting like one big happy family is becoming a real farce. Is there no limit?
darkmoon Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 you did right to tell him to drop her I think she was trying to have a hold on him, turning to him so, but you won
frankspeci Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 This is how I'd handle it. Tell my GF to take a long break from her ex, like several months while we're together. Then afterwards they can resume their "friendship" but 3-4 times week excessive. However I'd really only be in a relationship with someone I could trust to set their own boundaries appropriately.
olivetree Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 It sounds like he is going to resent you / already is resenting you for having to give up his ex as a friend. I think it's always better to tell someone how you feel rather than tell them what to do. Let them decide what their actions will be so they feel like it is their idea and you'll both feel better about the result. You shouldn't have to tell someone how to treat you... it doesn't feel good for either of you that way. If his actions in response to your feelings do not work for you (cross your boundaries), then you either have to accept the situation or walk away. 2
GinON Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 My ex was trying to keep a friendship with me into a new relationship with my current wife. She didn't like it and while its a sacrifice, I told the ex it was no longer acceptable and i was sorry. She understood, was maybe a bit sad but that's how life is when your relationship ends. Its your life and your standards, if he can't meet them, find someone that can. It would be different if he had kids with her...that as complication that can be minimized but is necessary for the kids sake. You have to decide what you want to do, maybe its worth meeting her and seeing what they are like together, you'll know pretty quick if you are objective about watching them together.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 (edited) I don't believe they've truly let go of each other emotionally. Yes, they broke up, but it doesn't seem they have really faced the reality of living without each other's constant presence. That's why the goodbye call was so emotional - they have some unfinished business there and the realization that they are both going to need to move on from each other hit them hard. Would I tell him what to do? No. But I would be far more inclined to find a guy who has boundaries that are more aligned with my own, in terms of friendships with exes. This tight friendship would not work for me. Edited November 27, 2018 by ExpatInItaly
Author Allie20 Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 Same day i wrote this post, he became extremely sweet to me and loving, calling me beautiful and sending me sweet texts and how he's lucky to have me and wanting to see me more often and booked a trip for us next month, and said that he is sorry because he's been acting pretty bad towards me lately and that no matter what's stressing him out he shouldn't have teated me this way and that i deserve respect and love and his school and me are his top priority. I feel good already about this, what do you guys think? His mom said he just needs some time to get over it as he has never done it before
I'veseenbetterlol Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 I've run into a couple situations where an ex was involved in one form or another. Those situations did not end well for me. I now put my foot down about any ex my bf has had. Not that I don't have sympathy, I just believe an ex has no place in his life. When I break up, I get rid of everything to do w/the person I used to date. My social media has no pics of any ex of mine and I expect the same from my bf. You did right by making him cut contact. Keep an eye on things though.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 Same day i wrote this post, he became extremely sweet to me and loving, calling me beautiful and sending me sweet texts and how he's lucky to have me and wanting to see me more often and booked a trip for us next month, and said that he is sorry because he's been acting pretty bad towards me lately and that no matter what's stressing him out he shouldn't have teated me this way and that i deserve respect and love and his school and me are his top priority. I feel good already about this, what do you guys think? His mom said he just needs some time to get over it as he has never done it before Did you speak to his mom about this? Get over what, his previous relationship? If that's true (and unfortunately, I think it is) you need to tread cautiously. He could be rebounding and not truly ready for something serious. I would take this slowly and see how things proceed now that he has put distance between him and his ex. He's all over the map right now, emotionally. You will need more time to see any consistency from him, I believe.
Author Allie20 Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 Did you speak to his mom about this? Get over what, his previous relationship? If that's true (and unfortunately, I think it is) you need to tread cautiously. He could be rebounding and not truly ready for something serious. I would take this slowly and see how things proceed now that he has put distance between him and his ex. He's all over the map right now, emotionally. You will need more time to see any consistency from him, I believe. She meant he never done this before where he cuts communication with her completely. So she said just give him love and time and he's an adult he should get over this and let go over time, she said she's very sure he is in love with me as she has never seen him that much in love with his ex and how happy he seems when he talks to her about me, but their relationship was more like bestfriends who were together since high school and they both supported each other and got along. I will keep an eye. How long do you think i should be cautious for? Should i test him, if so, how?
LauraXX Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 I'm still good friends with several of my ex-boyfriends. My very best friend is actually an ex. We dated for a year in our early 20s. Then broke up because it felt too platonic...even back then, he felt more like a brother to me. Today he's my kid's godfather and I'm the godmother of his little boy. His wife is one of my best girlfriends. We see each other at least once or twice a month and he's still one of the most important people in my life. I honestly believe that good friendships are just as important as partnerships. So if I had a new partner and he had a problem with me still being friends with my ex, I'd probably tell him that he'll just have to deal with it or leave. I also get along well with the father of my child. We used to be really good friends in the years following our separation. Then he met his new girlfriend and she was totally against us hanging out. So we stopped and didn't do anything together anymore for a while (which was actually quite sad for our kid). Right now I have the feeling that his gf is getting used to the thought of us still getting along. I don't think we'll ever be close friends again and that is totally fine, but I think for our kid's sake it would be great to be able to spend time with each other, discuss school stuff etc. in person and not via telephone, invite him to family events etc.
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