hippychick3 Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 My bf and I have been together for over 5 years now. We have always spent Thanksgiving and Christmas apart and with our families. He's 39, never been married, and has no children (will not ever have any of his own). So, for 39 years, he has spent those holidays with his parents and brothers. It means a lot to him. I have always spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family even when I was married. I love spending the holidays with my family especially when I have my children with me (I alternate with my ex). Our parents are in their 70's, and we don't live close to them. They live quite far from each other. So, as much as we'd like to see each other on those holidays, we have prioritized our parents and being there with them on those days. Our days are limited with them due to their advancing age, and there is a lot of sentiment. My bf's brother and sister-in-law spend those days apart also because they are each close to their families who live far from each other. My bf and I spend time with each other the weekends before and after those holidays for our own celebration, and it has worked for us. And we always are together for New Year's. Well, now that we are 5 plus years in, I am getting negative reactions from people about our arrangement. For example, my brother said it was so "odd" not to spend those days with our SO even after I explained our reasoning. He doesn't get it. My oldest son wondered why my bf wasn't coming this year as he feels like he is family now. I explained our reasoning to him, but I'm not sure he gets it either. I'm wondering if anyone else gets it besides us. I felt okay with how we have been doing things, but his judgment in particular really bothers me. Thoughts?
SunnyWeather Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 have you ever considered dividing up the holidays and spending Tday at one family and xmas at the other? When I was married we often took turns every year to where we would travel, which family to visit. I wouldn't want to spend every holiday without my partner. 1
Dis Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 have you ever considered dividing up the holidays and spending Tday at one family and xmas at the other? When I was married we often took turns every year to where we would travel, which family to visit. I wouldn't want to spend every holiday without my partner. This is what my bf and I do It allows us to spend the holidays with each other and with our families To me, it would be lonely not to see my bf on the holidays so we can divide time between families My parents do the same with their families. Thanksgiving with my Dad's side, Christmas with my Mom's. If this arrangement works for you two then that's all that matters. I just think it might be nice for both of you to spend some time with each other's families, as a couple. Missing out on one holiday, like Thanksgiving or Christmas with your parents due to alternating between families wouldn't make you miss out on your parents, most couples do it. But like I said, if this works for you two then keep doing what you're doing. If people ask about it, just explain it to them what you explained it to us. Makes sense to me. As parents get older, time is precious. Plus, you and your bf celebrate together before and after the holidays. There's no right or wrong way to go about this 1
LauraXX Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 If you're happy with that arrangement, you shouldn't change it. My ex and I used to spend Christmas apart and with our own families up until our kid was born. That's when we started to just celebrate at our own place. 2
d0nnivain Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 It's probably too late this year but next year would you two consider hosting all the families? 2
Cersei Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 I say keep doing what is working while you both still have parents. One day sadly you won't, so enjoy them while you can. Celebrate with your partner then.
Gretchen12 Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 Your brother and your son don't need to get it. It seems your parents get it. Often it's during the holidays that family voice their judgements on things that don't even affect them that much. If you change, someone else would have something to say. Remember, you can't please everyone.
Gaeta Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 My bf can't do holidays so l head to my family without him. He will attend every dinner around xmas but on xmas he wants to be alone by himself. My bf is very appreciated by my family and my mom has a hard time accepting he is missing on those days. I told her: if it doesn't bother me it should not bother you right! ? Your family will slowly come to accept it you stand stand strong on this is an arrangement you're fine with. In my case my family sees my bf often through the year. .
Els Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 Yeah, there's this strange social expectation that you'll be joined at the hip for family gatherings. The expectation gets even stronger if you're married. Personally, I'd be a bit concerned if a couple literally has NEVER met each others' family... but if they want to split up for Christmas etc so that they both get to spend Christmas with their own parents? I say go for it. IMO most of the expectations stem from a time when everyone just lived in the same village... or at most a couple of villages away. So it was no big deal to go everywhere together because well, you could just spend Christmas eve with Mum and Dad #1, then drive an hour to spend Christmas morning with Mum and Dad #2. With globalization, it doesn't really work that way anymore. I know some couples that make themselves cray cray trying to adhere to expectations, and they spend a good half of their holidays driving for hours on end to get everywhere together. Bonkers.
Wallysbears Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 My husband and I got tired of going all over the place for holidays - so now we offer to host.
smackie9 Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 Ya you stick with what works for you two...it's a modern age, families and priorities are structured differently. With divorced parents that couldn't be in the same room together, and my in-laws,etc it was always tough to accommodate....one of the reasons why I hate the holidays. One of these years we are going to tell everyone to stuff it and go to Maui for 2 weeks. 2
alphamale Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 One of these years we are going to tell everyone to stuff it and go to Maui for 2 weeks. :lmao:
smackie9 Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 :lmao: Go stuff their own turkey is what I meant lol
Lotsgoingon Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 Your arrangement sounds totally reasonable to me. It's fine for a couple to spend a holiday separate from each other. Two families. You reconnect with each of your families, which is important as both sets of parents are aging.
kendahke Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 I see nothing wrong with your arrangement. Looks like it works the people most germane to this: you and your boyfriend.
Author hippychick3 Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 Thank you, everyone, so much for the feedback. We definitely have spent much time with each others' parents and families, and there is a lot of love there. I think this is more about people's expectations and views on what is normal than anything else. We don't want to split up the holidays because each one is special and different in its own way. Maybe one day we will offer to host, but it's unlikely everyone would come given all the extended family on both sides that attend. We will see. I know I am okay with our arrangement as we are both pretty independent as it is and don't question our commitment to each other. It's just difficult to navigate all the "judgey" comments I get which, unfortunately, have made me wonder if there is something wrong with us for being okay with it.
preraph Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 People are just jealous that you two aren't battling over who to see on the holiday like they are! It's usually a very stressful time because of all that type stuff, so I say if you and him are happy and content and not stressing over it, don't start now. Your parents are getting old. I know for a fact the parents and siblings probably prefer to have you to themselves for this little bit of time instead of having to be on good behavior for the in-laws. It's hard for old people to travel, so for that reason, I don't recommend you having them all there at their ages. Happy Holidays! You sound like you have the right formula. Kids will get used to whatever you portray as happy and normal to them and it will become their routine. 3
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