dispatch3d Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 OK maybe, but after 2 months...??? He is also 35, not 18... I think they are on date 3 (after 2 months?!?!) which is not very many dates in that time span as well. As the guy initially I'd want to see the girl every week. She's had this happen to her more than once, I think this is the second or third? guy she had planning dates problems with and this is another thread on the same topic with this particular guy. OP will probably have to be a little more open and honest about how she's contributing to the problem to get good feedback in my opinion.... For me personally I'm very sensitive to girls moving dates after they are made, cancelling, etc. so be aware he is probably similar.
anika99 Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 So this spontaneous thing really doesn't work for me. Made me really sad and frustrated all the time even though I was happy to see him when we got together. I texted him saying exactly this - that I tried really hard but this is really difficult for me and it's making me too sad and frustrated. Well, he read the texts but hadn't responded. For days now. Guess we are over now - right? Just to make sure - I don't think I'm the one who's supposed to message first, right? I dated a guy like your ex when I was very young. Met him when I was sixteen and finally broke up for good when I was 24. Stayed with him so long because we had a kid together. In that 8yrs nothing ever changed. The entire time we were together he had that 'I can see you or not see you' attitude. I remember having a big fight with him on my 23rd birthday because he had made plans with a male friend of his and then decided as an after thought to invite me along. I had hung out with him and this friend before and knew that they both would just pretty much ignore me all night. So I asked my boyfriend if just he and I could do something. Nope, he wasn't breaking his already planned evening for me. Okay then can we do something together the next night? Nope, I already offered you to come along and if you choose not to its not my problem. It's just plain selfishness and being self centred. Your boyfriend only wants to do things he likes to do and only when he wants to do it. That's why he doesn't want to plan dates with you. If he makes plans with you on Wednesday to do something on the weekend and then on Friday he gets a better offer to do something he considers more fun then he wants to be free to do that instead so he figures it's best not to make plans with you at all. He would rather wait until the last second to decide what sounds like the most fun to him and then he invites you to come but if you don't come it doesn't matter because he's still going to have fun either way. Your boyfriend doesn't love you as much as he loves himself. It might be that he's just not that into you or it might be that he's just always been a self centred jerk. Either way you can't make him change. He obviously doesn't care how you feel and doesn't care to put any effort into making you feel better. My ex used to play games with me too whenever I tried to tell him how I felt. Then it would be all about how I'm wrecking his day with my mood and I'm being ridiculous and he doesn't have time for my nonsense. It won't get better and the longer you put up with it the more your self worth will suffer and that will make you even weaker and even more likely to accept this poor behaviour. Just stay no contact and when you feel better then go meet a guy who thinks hanging out with you is great fun. A man who thinks an evening with you is the best way he could spend his evening.
Art_Critic Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 He's saying you get to do such fun activity for free so why angry. If you don't want to do it just say no I'll find another friend for it and you can say yes for things you like to do. I'd be like "see ya... jerk"... What an asshat... Next...
stillafool Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 I used to know a guy (player) who would buy a bunch of concert and theatre tickets at the beginning of the year. He would ask out a girl to one of these events a day or the day of the concert or play depending on who was at the top of his list at the time. He never made real plans with any of the girls say a week or 2 in advance so women would have a chance to plan to get all dolled up for the event. Instead it was "do you want to go" at the last minute depending on who interested him at the moment. OP, your guy reminds me of that guy. 1
Author maestrok Posted December 13, 2018 Author Posted December 13, 2018 I think they are on date 3 (after 2 months?!?!) which is not very many dates in that time span as well. As the guy initially I'd want to see the girl every week. No - we've been together (on and off) for about a year. Recently got back 2 months ago. Seen each other about 3 times every week during those times.
Author maestrok Posted December 13, 2018 Author Posted December 13, 2018 OP will probably have to be a little more open and honest about how she's contributing to the problem to get good feedback in my opinion.... By contributing you mean if I cancel things? No. I almost never do that. I'm the one who is trying/begging to make plans ahead of time (obviously with intention to keep them and make them happen).
dispatch3d Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 I think you are tackling a symptom more than a problem to me at least. On and off for a year, I dunno whats causing the breakups? Not able to get past this particular issue or just not able to work on things well in general? And you win, he sounds ****ty to get together with. It would drive me batty as well.
Author maestrok Posted December 13, 2018 Author Posted December 13, 2018 I used to know a guy (player) who would buy a bunch of concert and theatre tickets at the beginning of the year. He would ask out a girl to one of these events a day or the day of the concert or play depending on who was at the top of his list at the time. He never made real plans with any of the girls say a week or 2 in advance so women would have a chance to plan to get all dolled up for the event. Instead it was "do you want to go" at the last minute depending on who interested him at the moment. OP, your guy reminds me of that guy. OMG this sounds like him. Where is this guy living?
Author maestrok Posted December 13, 2018 Author Posted December 13, 2018 It's just plain selfishness and being self centred. Your boyfriend only wants to do things he likes to do and only when he wants to do it. That's why he doesn't want to plan dates with you. If he makes plans with you on Wednesday to do something on the weekend and then on Friday he gets a better offer to do something he considers more fun then he wants to be free to do that instead so he figures it's best not to make plans with you at all. He would rather wait until the last second to decide what sounds like the most fun to him and then he invites you to come but if you don't come it doesn't matter because he's still going to have fun either way. This really makes sense..... My ex used to play games with me too whenever I tried to tell him how I felt. Then it would be all about how I'm wrecking his day with my mood and I'm being ridiculous and he doesn't have time for my nonsense. He does/says exactly the same thing to me!!! I cried and he said your crying doesn't change anything.
Author maestrok Posted December 13, 2018 Author Posted December 13, 2018 I think you are tackling a symptom more than a problem to me at least. On and off for a year, I dunno whats causing the breakups? Not able to get past this particular issue or just not able to work on things well in general? And you win, he sounds ****ty to get together with. It would drive me batty as well. Sorry on and off was bit misleading. More like we broke up once for awhile and then got back together recently. The last breakup was because he didn't want to be in a fully committed/exclusive relationship so I ended it right then. Then he wanted to get back this time fully committed/exclusive.
dispatch3d Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 Well there's no way that's healthy. Your kinda feeding your fears latching on to those two posts. The only way you'll learn what he's thinking/why he doesn't plan dates is by talking to him. Not trying to guess his motives by how other posters were mistreated by crappy guys. How do you typically bring up the subject? Saying it would be nice to have a planned date sometime? Hmmm what is he missing in the relationship that makes him not want commitment? If you've given it this long it could be an uphill battle.... could be worth it I don't know?
Author maestrok Posted December 13, 2018 Author Posted December 13, 2018 Well there's no way that's healthy. Your kinda feeding your fears latching on to those two posts. The only way you'll learn what he's thinking/why he doesn't plan dates is by talking to him. Not trying to guess his motives by how other posters were mistreated by crappy guys. How do you typically bring up the subject? Saying it would be nice to have a planned date sometime? I tried every formulation one by one over couple weeks span (well, escalating from casual/calm (hey wanna make plans this weekend?) to eventually emotional/upset (why can't we make plans!!! it's so upsetting!!!) ). He refused/dismissed every single one of them. Funnily one of his response was exactly what the other poster said: how I'm wrecking his day with my mood and I'm being ridiculous and he doesn't have time for my nonsense.
dispatch3d Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 What's his reasons for not wanting to go on dates? You should both be compromising in a lot of scenarios.... Are you asking him why not? Or what happened to them, or you miss them, etc. I don't think getting emotional is helping your cause much. I mean I get it can come out that way when your frustrated, but you should try to figure out ways to avoid getting like that with him. I'm no angel in that regard either..... I guess I try to express the emotions in a healthy manner, would be my tact...
Wallysbears Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 This guy just isn't that into you and isn't looking for the same thing out of a relationship that you are. You should find someone who is more compatible.
Lorenza Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 If it looks like a duck... Well, you know how the saying goes. A man who's invested will not act in a way that compromises his chances of being with you. He won't make you question if you're important or not. Sure, some people are sponteneous and impulsive when making plans, but according to my own experience - when a man doesn't plan dates, he just fills in the gaps in his schedule. When something else falls through, that is.
elaine567 Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 This isn't normal, something ain't right here. Normal men do not act like this. Spontaneity is great every now and again but there is a reason behind this and it isn't a good one. He doesn't care how upset you get, he carries on in his own sweet way, huge red flag. Do not let men treat you like this. Yes he is in the wrong, yes he is a jerk but WHY are YOU letting him walk all over you and treat you so abysmally. Stop it.
stillafool Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 OMG this sounds like him. Where is this guy living? It's not him. The guy I'm talking about is old enough to be your Dad. I'm old too. This was a long time ago but I see the game remains the same.
dispatch3d Posted December 14, 2018 Posted December 14, 2018 Yeah I don't act like that so maybe I cannot relate? If I'm not making plans with a girl anymore she's done something wrong.....
SunnyWeather Posted December 14, 2018 Posted December 14, 2018 I tried every formulation one by one over couple weeks span (well, escalating from casual/calm (hey wanna make plans this weekend?) to eventually emotional/upset (why can't we make plans!!! it's so upsetting!!!) ). He refused/dismissed every single one of them. Funnily one of his response was exactly what the other poster said: how I'm wrecking his day with my mood and I'm being ridiculous and he doesn't have time for my nonsense. goodness gracious. you continued to see this jerk after that? sorry, but staying around for his crumbs makes it seem you were desperate for his attention. never a good look. This reply is a little late to this party, but in the future, how about you just keep your own schedule with people and activities in your life, and if a dude asks you out, if you're free that day, great, set a date. Otherwise, say 'sorry, how about ...?" You were too available for this jerk and he was just yanking your chain and you fell for it. The comment earlier about 'getting to go for free' is truly nauseating.
Author maestrok Posted December 15, 2018 Author Posted December 15, 2018 This reply is a little late to this party, but in the future, how about you just keep your own schedule with people and activities in your life, and if a dude asks you out, if you're free that day, great, set a date. Otherwise, say 'sorry, how about ...?" You were too available for this jerk and he was just yanking your chain and you fell for it. The comment earlier about 'getting to go for free' is truly nauseating. Trust me I tried that too. But he'll just say, "That's fine - call me when you are free that day then."
elaine567 Posted December 15, 2018 Posted December 15, 2018 Trust me I tried that too. But he'll just say, "That's fine - call me when you are free that day then." You are beating your head up against a brick wall. You think one day he will change, he won't.
stillafool Posted December 15, 2018 Posted December 15, 2018 Trust me I tried that too. But he'll just say, "That's fine - call me when you are free that day then." You should have said "No, you call me when you are ready to set up a real date."
PRW Posted December 15, 2018 Posted December 15, 2018 Trust me I tried that too. But he'll just say, "That's fine - call me when you are free that day then." Even when people change for the better it doesn't happen overnight. You're going to have to let the guy take "baby steps". So If he says something like that you can still work with that. Just give a time that you are free that day, but still insist that he step up and make the plans. You're either going to have to find ways like that to work with it or you'll just have to forget it,
SunnyWeather Posted December 15, 2018 Posted December 15, 2018 Trust me I tried that too. But he'll just say, "That's fine - call me when you are free that day then." (scratching head). What are you not understanding here? He is reinforcing the boundaries of how he will see you. You have made clear that that way doesn't work for you, that you want a more formal arrangement. His response was your cue to cut this guy loose and stop being available for hook ups/last minute dates. YOU SIMPLY STOP GETTING IN TOUCH WITH HIM. I guarantee you, he will not be interested enough to go the mile you want. move on.
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