Need perspective on bad breakup

[acader]

It's a long story, but I'll just cover what happened when she wanted to break up. To start, I'm 23, she's 21.

 

My ex broke up initially with the reason that she wanted space to "figure out if she could be the girlfriend I deserve." Her close friends became concerned, and wanted us to be together because other than her and I having a few arguments here and there (more frequently toward the end, and one final one the night before we broke up over some really ridiculous stuff) I thought we were fine, and happy.

 

Anyways, we broke up about 2 weeks ago, and I was distraught. I really fell for this girl and I'm not new to relationships, we genuinely got along and were playful. Things changed once I started to act different after I had a really bad panic attack about 2 months into our relationship. I started worrying about my heart, not drinking, taking things too seriously. I never really took responsibility - I just became defensive and touchy about stupid things.

 

We broke up, and I realized I had been really pushing her away - not affection wise but by being a jerk and not acting like myself. Following the breakup I was losing it, I don't know if I've ever been genuinely that sad. Her friend had told her that I was in a bad place (I didn't realize she was communicating how I was to my ex.) Anyways, I went to a bar with friends, and my ex was there. She stood next to me in line with her back to me flirting with some other guy who I know (just acquaintances) and I had to nudge her and say hey. She responded with how are you and my drunk ass was sort of hurt by that and I just responded "good" and walked away. The rest of the night I just watched her hop from guy to guy and had to hear about it the next day from my friends.

 

At this point, I still thought I'd give her time since that's what she asked for and we could reconcile or attempt to in a week or so once we both cooled off. Or at least I did.

 

Her best friends roommate, however, had taken a liking to me. I was desperate to feel desired and so this girl came home with me. We made out. I took her home because it was just weird. It felt wrong. I wake up and my exes best friend texts me saying "You need to tell X or I will" and I was like... great. So I went to my exes and told her and also realized that I didn't want anyone else, only her. She seemed okay with it. Then I left and got a text, she said - in brief - she doesn't want a relationship based on the things over the past few weeks and the relationship overall - not just me kissing her friend.

 

I asked if she ever saw a future again and she said "no there isn't, we're not compatible long term and please step away from my friends and be with your friends / family." I responded respectfully, and was trying to be as understanding and polite as possible.

 

Here's where things get sticky: We have a ton of mutual friends. I was invited to their tailgate and party and I figured she'd be there - fine. I wasn't going to beg or try to get her attention since she made it clear she isn't into me anymore (based on the compatibility statement.) We went back and forth of her trying to tell me that these people have known her longer and that I need to respect her space, I said yes, but they invited me prior to me knowing you were going to this party. The next day I said "look we're both just trying to move forward, neither of us trying to be malicious, I'd like for us both to just have a good game day." and she agreed.

 

Fast forward about 10 hours, we're at the same party. The guy she's been trying to get with (like 4 days after our break up) is there and they're chatting and she's all over him. Fine. Not my business, but he comes over to me and we chat about some older dude who got in a fight with his younger buddy and I see her STARING us down. I cracked a joke like "ah hey we're being glared at" and we both laughed and continued talking. I guess she thought I was being a cock block? Who knows. Anyways, she asks for my attention "hey get him." like 3 or 4 times before I'm like "me?" and walk over. I was reluctant and annoyed because I knew she was going to start something. I asked what, and then turned around because they thought they found the guy who hit their friend (college guys) and she goes "okay bye." so I'm annoyed with that and turn around and say "what's up? we're looking for this guy who brute forced his way in and hit one of their friends" and I'm met with "oh you're such a HARDASS." in the rudest way possible. I retaliated with "what the hell is your problem?" and from there it goes to "stay away from my friends they love me way MORE than they even like you. they've known me for years and you for months."

 

Okay, nice. I sent back a rude and unnecessary comment "actually, they like me better."Which many expressed that they only ever saw her around more when I was there and they liked having me there more. Not cool to say, but I did. From there I tried to walk away because I was angry and it wasn't going anywhere and she starts screaming in front of like 80 people "leave" "you're not even friends with them" and so on. Constantly. Even once everyone was gone I was standing with my back turned looking for my friend so I could exit to the other apartment. Honestly, yeah I was shocked and hurt - I yelled back at her "why do you hate me so damn much?" "i don't care who you're sleeping with" and she comes back with "yes you ****ing do and it's none of your business."

 

Obviously, I know it's not. I don't want to know. People told me and I called her out that night while she was coming at me that I know she was trying to sleep with someone like 4-5 days after she told me she wanted "space." Not smart, not attractive, not cool at all.

 

Anyways, her friends escorted her out, mine did for me too. I never apologized or received an apology and we haven't spoken in 9 days. I had to remove her from facebook and snapchat because I was driving myself insane checking. We didn't block, no pictures deleted. I'm just confused where to go from here.

 

There was no cheating, no abuse, we argued unfairly and didn't listen but that is something we both recognized and I felt like we could work it out since I finally crushed my anxiety over my health and felt like my usual self that was happy. Just missing her. I tried to work it out too early, made mistakes (didn't sleep with anyone), and tried to reconcile again only to be dropped completely and then radio silence.

 

Sure, I'd be open to working things out, but at this point I'm not sure if I should apologize for acting so immature and out of control of my emotions (I wasn't bawling in public, just that altercation and how I made out with that girl because... I'm dumb.) I haven't heard from her either, don't think I will, no apology for the stabbing remarks at the party and screaming at me in front of everyone. I talked to my friends and they said "we saw it all, she was 100% in the wrong, she started that whole confrontation." I should've been mature enough to say "I'm not doing this. Sorry." but I didn't because I wasn't thinking straight or in control of my emotions, I was still hurting but wasn't trying to lash out - just have a good time. And it all went down the toilet.

 

I'd like some outside perspective and advice. I'm not expecting to get back together as much as I'd like to work things out and talk again and resolve the issues that lead to the breakup. I guess I'm in denial that she just wasn't feeling it for me anymore based on her interest in "having space for a few weeks to figure out if she can be the girlfriend I deserve." I don't like being negative, but I find that hard to believe when I always did my best to take responsibility when I was wrong, love her and her flaws, and work things out when there was discord. I'm not perfect, but since we made it official in July I went 100% and just can't seem to let go. She wants 0 to do with me and since that fight 9 days ago at that party it seems hopeless, except things aren't deleted and I'm the one who did the unfriending/unfollowing so I'd stop stalking. I'm just trying to move on and make things right, and if there's room later sure - we can see what happens. It just feels like it's permanent, no chance for reconciliation, no chance for anything. We just slammed the door and that sucks, I want to leave it open if possible. I know that's probably not what I'll hear, but I still want opinions from neutral 3rd parties.

 

Thanks for reading my novel. And yes, alcohol was involved, but she has never lost it on me before and I thought things were neutral.

Edited November 26, 2018 by acader

[acader]

Hey Acader,

 

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Relationships can be tough and multi-layered. From what I read, to me it sounds like you both had deeper things you had to work out within yourselves. When we have our own baggage and then meet up with someone we love, add expectations as to how we think they should respond and treat us, and things can blow up very quickly.

 

I'd like to take you away from the relationship and ask...what was the cause of your anxiety, and what fears did you feel before she wanted to break things off?

 

This is a question to sift through and meditate on.

 

She had her own things she had to work on, and she didn't seem to have the capacity to bear your burdens as well.

 

As for the drunken night and the altercation; you were both hurting and not communicating your truth on either side. Instead what came out was defensiveness and hurt. This is common in relationships, communication is a skill that has to be developed.

 

I don't want to come off like a sales-woman or anything but I'm developing some resources to navigate relationships and build the skills to sustain and find love. If you are interested in staying in touch and if you want to read some thought hacks I think may be useful for your situation I have a free copy for you from my mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/4f9a6fdfe157/datelikeaboss . No pressure but I do want to serve. All the best and stay in touch if you like.

 

Thanks for reaching out and taking the time to read it all. I appreciate it. The deeper issue was that I had a panic attack and since I have OCD it flared up and I started worrying about health problems that didn't exist until I forced myself into situations that would exacerbate the health problem I thought I had. Nothing happened and I started feeling way more relief. I was just so wound up from it and felt judged for feeling that way that communication broke down.

 

I just wish I could work things out with her and get back together. That's why I'm unsure, based on what happened, if I should reach out and apologize for the role I played in that altercation. Should I simply maintain NC or reach out one last time to clear the air and possibly keep the door open? I really think that based on the communication differences because I was constantly defensive since my issue I feel we could work things out. However, it also seems she isn't or wasn't as invested since she never reached back out and we haven't spoken since. As well as that she stated she didn't want a relationship anymore based on all the things that had happened.

 

Reminder there wasn't cheating or abuse. Just stupidity following the breakup.

 

I will add that 7 days before we made it official this summer she expressed that she wanted time to be on her own. I said I would let her do that but i cant stick around. She wound up telling me she wanted to see me and we got together after 6 months broken up because I wasn't ready to settle down after a previous 4 year. Once I realized she was amazing and that I was being dumb I made it known which is when she told me she wanted summer to herself then I backed away and she came to me saying she wanted to see me and then we got together. This time though there isnt any talking or communication. I remember formerly I removed her from social media and she lost it. After removing her this time so I'd stop ruminating and looking over and over - nothing. Maybe she really does just want to move on. I guess I should take her seriously when she said "no there isnt a future. We're not long term compatible." Even though before our arguments and what not we'd been compatible for 8 months and seemed to have a good time until the last month or so.

Edited November 26, 2018 by acader

[acader]

Sorry for long response. Really trying to understand what my best move is. I keep trying to rationalize getting back together and contacting her but I'd rather not aggravate things further. I just feel bad we ended so poorly.