Cruel long distance break up

[thelessiknow]

Hello everyone..

This is my first post ever as I am stuck in this situation for months and I feel like my wounds will never heal.

 

We dated for more than a year, long distance. We both already had relationships and decided this was worth it. We both said it was our most serious relationship and our plan was to move together after we are done with studies. He is 27 and acted perfect for the whole relationship, most fights started with me as I had a problem with his past (he cheated).

Everything else was good, we met our family, friends, parents. I was stressed as I am not from a rich family and this relationship was very expensive and I felt shy if he was paying all. He earns well and he would always pay but my stress would not let me meet as often as he wanted to save money and I hoped soon we will live together so it won't be a big deal. But it was.

 

Last month of our relationship we spoke less and had fights and he left me. We already had a booked trip and I hoped we could at least say goodybe face to face but he was making excuses, how it makes no sense, he has to study, I push him.

 

I never felt so terrible, a man who loves me never wants to see me again. He is fine with the fact that he will never see me again. I cried, begged, I did all mistakes because I was afraid I will never see him, never thank him for good times and say goodbye. I would go to work without sleep, my family was worried.. they could not understand hpw did we end just like that after such a big love.

 

He told me it was my fault, my fights and stress pushed him. I asked if we could just try one more time.

As I texted he blocked me, everywhere. He would only answer to some mails, telling me msybe in the future, that we will never be done inside...

He cried a few times, told me he cries at night.

He begged me not to throw gifts, how can I throw them.

2 months after the breakup, still blocked but he was answering my mails, asking if I have someone, how can I go out.. we even had one sexy conversation. Then he said it is over and he can't do it.

 

I was so confused, for months, so sad, I did not understand.

Until I've found out that he is already dating and that he left me for her.

He wasted my months, blaming me, listening to me crying while he was with someone.

I don't want him back and when I've found the truth I felt peace somehow but now I have so deep wounds, I can't understand how could he play the victim and listen how I cry while he was sleeping with someone.

 

I died inside. And this was the most kind and romantic man I ever had. I see now pictures of him her and his family, I am ashamed that I cried to his family and friends and feel like they all make fun of me. I feel like he is closer to her because I acted crazy. But I was stuck in lies and games and could not handle this situation.

 

His new girlfriend texted me a month ago as I liked their picture when I've found out the truth. I wanted to tell her that he was having sexual conversations with me when he claimed he is single but I felt too bad so I apologized to her and said I made that story up. She did nothing wrong, he was taken.

 

Now she thinks I am crazy too and he probably tells to everyone that.

 

I was traveling to see this man, save money for him, made plans, took all free days for him, I was so close to his family and he cheated and took her to meet his family the next day.

I am not hurt anymore that he left but why did he do it so cruel. Why did I make such a fool out of myself just because I did not knoe the truth. All those beautiful moments, thex are all gone. I told everything about myself to this man, he knew all of me. Why did he leave so cruel?

 

I feel that me acting crazy made them stronger and closer but I am just not that type to ruin someones relationship.. I wanted to act mean but stopped as I don't want to be like him.

 

He never loved me, right?

[Garcon1986]

This is super painful for anybody in this situation. You've got lots of people who can give you electronic hugs here. I would say that this relationship is done. He likely loved you very much at the beginning, but strayed in his discipline and found another. The best choice for you is to go with your girlfriends, do lots of fun things together, and mourn completely and grieve. You can do this. It feels like a thundering airplane takeoff right now, but it will get quieter, and one day you will be over it.

[thelessiknow]

This is super painful for anybody in this situation. You've got lots of people who can give you electronic hugs here. I would say that this relationship is done. He likely loved you very much at the beginning, but strayed in his discipline and found another. The best choice for you is to go with your girlfriends, do lots of fun things together, and mourn completely and grieve. You can do this. It feels like a thundering airplane takeoff right now, but it will get quieter, and one day you will be over it.

 

Thank you for your answer. I know and somehow accept it is done, I just don't understand why so cruel, if he was so happy to be done with me and found his love, why did he torture me..

[Garcon1986]

Indeed that part was not considerate - forgetting about your feelings. But it is done. Everything that isn't deadly will make you a stronger woman.

[thelessiknow]

Indeed that part was not considerate - forgetting about your feelings. But it is done. Everything that isn't deadly will make you a stronger woman.

 

How lucky he is, to find love just like that. I will probably have wounds for a long time and be single for years and he found love with thr first one to come..

[Garcon1986]

Well one thing that's important here is that you should not jump into a new relationship because you were getting over a new one. I tried that this year with a really awesome lady, and she just sensed something wasn't right, ghosted me, asked a bodybuilder out, and dumped him too - and guess what, I'm in a position to charm her again but she blocked me just because.

 

 

So - lesson here is a new guy will sense the same. Do you utmost to heal. Do it for your own mental health - it is crucially important. Otherwise, you will be vulnerable to more people using you and abusing you to their advantage (i.e. meaningless sex/ getting used). I would read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus in the meantime during your healing process, so you can learn lots of stuff on male perspective minus the worry about having to navigate a new relationship to learn those lessons (i.e. free life lessons without the downside). Then follow it up with Mars and Venus on a date.

[Gretchen12]

I think you'd actually feel better if you realized your faults contributed to the outcome. You started fights, fights have consequences. You acted crazy, you lost self respect, he lost respect for you. People are more cruel to crazies.

 

He wasn't right for you. Aren't you glad you made your mistakes with this guy and not the next? Learn from this! Don't be like this again when you meet the next guy. Next time you have an impulse to start a fight, check yourself.

 

And don't you think you wasted his time too? He tried to pay for your visits? At the end it came to nothing for him. Yes he found someone new but you will too. It just hurts more because he found someone new before you did. If you really learn from this and become a better partner, your ex got you to change while the next guy benefits.

[thelessiknow]

I think you'd actually feel better if you realized your faults contributed to the outcome. You started fights, fights have consequences. You acted crazy, you lost self respect, he lost respect for you. People are more cruel to crazies.

 

He wasn't right for you. Aren't you glad you made your mistakes with this guy and not the next? Learn from this! Don't be like this again when you meet the next guy. Next time you have an impulse to start a fight, check yourself.

 

And don't you think you wasted his time too? He tried to pay for your visits? At the end it came to nothing for him. Yes he found someone new but you will too. It just hurts more because he found someone new before you did. If you really learn from this and become a better partner, your ex got you to change while the next guy benefits.

 

I blamed myself for months and really did everything to at least say sorry and thank you for the good times. I booked a flight when he said he is missing me.

And after I've found out he was dating all that time and did not tell me I acted crazy yes and I regret it:(

It was just too much..

 

I had all those questions..if we did not fight..would we be good now. If I did not start fights, would this and this happen. But did I really deserve cheating and being replaced in a day because of fights?

[thelessiknow]

Well one thing that's important here is that you should not jump into a new relationship because you were getting over a new one. I tried that this year with a really awesome lady, and she just sensed something wasn't right, ghosted me, asked a bodybuilder out, and dumped him too - and guess what, I'm in a position to charm her again but she blocked me just because.

 

 

So - lesson here is a new guy will sense the same. Do you utmost to heal. Do it for your own mental health - it is crucially important. Otherwise, you will be vulnerable to more people using you and abusing you to their advantage (i.e. meaningless sex/ getting used). I would read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus in the meantime during your healing process, so you can learn lots of stuff on male perspective minus the worry about having to navigate a new relationship to learn those lessons (i.e. free life lessons without the downside). Then follow it up with Mars and Venus on a date.

 

I will for sure check that book.

I won't start any relationship for a longer time, that is for sure. I never do that. I have so many wounds, I feel ashamed and crazy. And all this is so not me, I have never been so hurt before by anyone in my life I think.

 

I agree with all you say but still you see, for my ex it worked out. He jumped from one to another and it is serious.

[Garcon1986]

You started fights based upon the inherent communication differences between a man and a woman. This type of fight quickly tires any man out, no matter how loyal he is, and motivates him to seek out another man. It's paradoxical, but insecurity itself will drive even a good man to cheat. There is such a concept as fighting fair - which you will learn in that book (I don't get royalties by the way). You can always express disagreement - but please learn what fighting fair is.

I wouldn't compare your emotional countenance to his. Just like not everybody is built to easily astrophysics, not everybody is built to jump from relationship to relationship. Maybe he is doing something wrong, and he is actually in a rebound relationship. But that's not for you nor I to know. Constantly comparing yourself to others in the Catching up with the Joneses style is a pathway to sadness. Building your self up in the be all you can be, United States Marine Corps style, is much healthier.

[thelessiknow]

You started fights based upon the inherent communication differences between a man and a woman. This type of fight quickly tires any man out, no matter how loyal he is, and motivates him to seek out another man. It's paradoxical, but insecurity itself will drive even a good man to cheat. There is such a concept as fighting fair - which you will learn in that book (I don't get royalties by the way). You can always express disagreement - but please learn what fighting fair is.

I wouldn't compare your emotional countenance to his. Just like not everybody is built to easily astrophysics, not everybody is built to jump from relationship to relationship. Maybe he is doing something wrong, and he is actually in a rebound relationship. But that's not for you nor I to know. Constantly comparing yourself to others in the Catching up with the Joneses style is a pathway to sadness. Building your self up in the be all you can be, United States Marine Corps style, is much healthier.

 

 

Okay, so I am him. A girl I love is changing and starting fights all the time. I did not tell her in real that I want to break up but now that I',ve met XX, I slept with her, I fight my girl back (her biggest fear is if I am cheating so I cheated), I blame her, cry on the phone, don't let her even meet me and while I am so happy that I have a new normal girl, I still listen how my lame ex is crying and later I tell her how I miss our sexual life, her, that maybe in the future...

 

When my crazy ex finds out I am already dating I tell her that it has been 6 months and she should move on. She is very hurt that 2 months ago I wanted to talk about our past and she is mostly hurt that we spoke about our sex life while she did not know I am already having sex for 6 months. I won't say I am sorry and just call her crazy so she likes a picture of me and my new gf. My new gf gets pissed and texts my ex and my ex starts telling her what he is doing behind her back but then changes her story, apologize to my new girl and tell her she is just hurt and making it all up. So I have my new better girlfriend, my crazy ex is now crazy in everyones eyes and I knew she could send our conversations but didn't so I tell her sister that she is crazy as a thank you.

 

I just don't understand that after all was done, we were done, I don't understand those ways. If he was happy with her, he could end with respect and the end. He knew if I know that he has someone I would stop bugging him. We always had those talks. But I did not know and I wanted to fix things as I was to blame for our fights. Why did he listen to that crap for months.

 

I really need to read that book. I wish I knew all those things months ago..

I am so sad that my deepest relationship ended so bad, so lame, so angry. So crazy. I no longer want us back, I only spend time thinking why did I need to get all those wounds from this. I cry thinking how he told everyone I am crazy. I cry thinking how he decided not to break up with me in real knowing that means we will never see each other again but he still wanted online fights.

 

Before me he also just broke up a long term relationship. He never has a break to feel any of this hurt.

Edited November 27, 2018 by thelessiknow
Mistake

[Garcon1986]

A lot of his behaviours were less than ideal I agree. But we can't change the past and we can't change most of another person's behaviours. We can only improve ourselves.

[thelessiknow]

A lot of his behaviours were less than ideal I agree. But we can't change the past and we can't change most of another person's behaviours. We can only improve ourselves.

 

I know. It sounds so easy but here I am, feeling this for more than 6 months. I wish time could pass faster and that I feel like my old confident self again. I don't want to feel crazy or replaced no more.

I think I will really have a hard time dating again. If a guy starts speaking to me I don't feel comfortable at all. In those 6 months I only accepted one date and while we had drinks I had wet eyes and almost cried.

[Garcon1986]

How much of that time was spent being with friendgirls and doing happy things? Remember that being sad on a new date because of your ex isn't healthy either.

 

Be patient on the straight and true path. You have lots of people here to nudge you in the right direction.

[thelessiknow]

How much of that time was spent being with friendgirls and doing happy things? Remember that being sad on a new date because of your ex isn't healthy either.

 

Be patient on the straight and true path. You have lots of people here to nudge you in the right direction.

 

 

All is better now, I enjoy being with friends. That date somehow showed me I am not ready for anything yet.

I just see now that I really have wounds, I feel them when men approach me, sometimes during my day when I feel good about myself I remember some of thinks he told me and I feel ashamed. In very random moments I remember how he called me crazy, how he told everyone that. I can't explain it. Last time I was feeling this was as a teen after some family traumas. You know, you would go to school and while others were having fun I would remember some bad things that were happening in my house.

 

I feel like all got out my biggest fears and all that I said to him, his family and friends make me feel such a huge shame. I don't think about going back to him at all, I just want to never remember anything. I never acted this way with any man before, during or after breaking up.

 

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