Hot & Cold ????

[lovenoobi]

Hello everyone,

 

I would greatly appreciate anyone that can give some input to what I should do with my current situation.

 

Background:

- I met a girl on a dating app roughly a month ago. We got along quite well and we met up a few times within a week for food/movie/etc.

- Unfortunately as I’m training to become a specialist in the medical field, I am required to work in a more rural city for 6 months starting at the end of January 2019.

- She is also going overseas for a holiday around mid- December for a month.

- Hence all up this leaves really about a month and a half from when I met her online before we kinda go our separate ways.

- As I wanted to make the most out of the remaining time we had, I told her at the end of our 3rd date about my situation and whether she wanted to get more serious and be boyfriend/girlfriend relation.

- She said yes on the spot but later that night after we parted ways, she said realistically we only knew each other for a week so its’ probably too early and should just see how things go. She said not to worry about the moving away because it’s only about a 2 hour flight.

- I said I understand and was OK with that.

- We’re both very conservative.

 

Current Situation

 

I’m really confused with regarding how she actually feels. In some instances I feel like we’re getting closer as I getting to know her social circle and vice versa but at the same time it feels like we’re getting further apart.

 

The positives:

- She has invited me twice now with outings where I have met a few of her uni friends and work colleague. One was a buffet dinner and the other was a road trip to the beach which was just the Sunday that’s passed. She has only introduced me as a friend on both occasions.

 

The negatives:

- I feel like our daily conversations have decreased a lot and even during the times when I see her in person, it’s been really difficult to engage with her in any conversation that last longer than a few sentences. This seems to be a big difference to when we met initially when we pretty much just talked for 4 hours straight…

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation as this and could offer some input? If it wasn’t for the fact that I met some of her close friends then I would have thought this was over. But even still she just seems to be a bit too cold and with the date of when she is leaving for overseas approaching fast, I’m not sure how I should play this to “just see how things go”.

[irresolute]

Hello everyone,

 

I would greatly appreciate anyone that can give some input to what I should do with my current situation.

 

Background:

- I met a girl on a dating app roughly a month ago. We got along quite well and we met up a few times within a week for food/movie/etc.

- Unfortunately as I’m training to become a specialist in the medical field, I am required to work in a more rural city for 6 months starting at the end of January 2019.

- She is also going overseas for a holiday around mid- December for a month.

- Hence all up this leaves really about a month and a half from when I met her online before we kinda go our separate ways.

- As I wanted to make the most out of the remaining time we had, I told her at the end of our 3rd date about my situation and whether she wanted to get more serious and be boyfriend/girlfriend relation.

- She said yes on the spot but later that night after we parted ways, she said realistically we only knew each other for a week so its’ probably too early and should just see how things go. She said not to worry about the moving away because it’s only about a 2 hour flight.

- I said I understand and was OK with that.

- We’re both very conservative.

 

Current Situation

 

I’m really confused with regarding how she actually feels. In some instances I feel like we’re getting closer as I getting to know her social circle and vice versa but at the same time it feels like we’re getting further apart.

 

The positives:

- She has invited me twice now with outings where I have met a few of her uni friends and work colleague. One was a buffet dinner and the other was a road trip to the beach which was just the Sunday that’s passed. She has only introduced me as a friend on both occasions.

 

The negatives:

- I feel like our daily conversations have decreased a lot and even during the times when I see her in person, it’s been really difficult to engage with her in any conversation that last longer than a few sentences. This seems to be a big difference to when we met initially when we pretty much just talked for 4 hours straight…

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation as this and could offer some input? If it wasn’t for the fact that I met some of her close friends then I would have thought this was over. But even still she just seems to be a bit too cold and with the date of when she is leaving for overseas approaching fast, I’m not sure how I should play this to “just see how things go”.

 

 

Why would you want to start a relationship with someone when you have such a committed program to start quite soon?

You pressuring her to decide after a few weeks of knowing each other makes me think about neediness and clinginess.

[d0nnivain]

By phrasing it the way you did, you put artificial pressure on the relationship to be more then it is before you relocate briefly.

 

Stop trying to label & dissect this & just let it run it's course. Talk to her when possible. See each other before she leaves. Hopefully you will be able to squeeze in another date when she's back before you leave. Keep in touch while you are away & then you can revisit things when you are back from your program. You really don't have to have everything nailed down this fast.

 

So next time you see her, dial it back. Say something like:

 

I may have gotten ahead of myself. I genuinely like you & I would like to see where this goes but we are going to be apart for 6 months. There is no pressure. What do you say we just keep on doing what we've been doing, talking & getting to know each other? We can call & Skype while you are on vacation for the holiday. When you get back & I go to [rural place] for 6 months we can figure it out. Like you said, it's only a 2 hour plane ride & it's only for 6 months.

 

Your intensity may have scared her off.

[lovenoobi]

Why would you want to start a relationship with someone when you have such a committed program to start quite soon?

You pressuring her to decide after a few weeks of knowing each other makes me think about neediness and clinginess.

 

Just to clarify, this is a 5 year training program and I'm going into my second year. After the 6 months in the semi-rural city I will then return. The reason why I would want to start a relationship is because life will carry on and I don't think there will ever be a "perfect" time. Heaps of ppl start relationships, and worse, pop out kids, when they're too young/poor.

 

I take your point how it could be pressure but I thought it was better to be honest and let her know of my situation. For some people any form of long distance is a deal breaker.

[lovenoobi]

By phrasing it the way you did, you put artificial pressure on the relationship to be more then it is before you relocate briefly.

 

Stop trying to label & dissect this & just let it run it's course. Talk to her when possible. See each other before she leaves. Hopefully you will be able to squeeze in another date when she's back before you leave. Keep in touch while you are away & then you can revisit things when you are back from your program. You really don't have to have everything nailed down this fast.

 

So next time you see her, dial it back. Say something like:

 

I may have gotten ahead of myself. I genuinely like you & I would like to see where this goes but we are going to be apart for 6 months. There is no pressure. What do you say we just keep on doing what we've been doing, talking & getting to know each other? We can call & Skype while you are on vacation for the holiday. When you get back & I go to [rural place] for 6 months we can figure it out. Like you said, it's only a 2 hour plane ride & it's only for 6 months.

 

Your intensity may have scared her off.

 

Thanks I appreciate this.

[d0nnivain]

I take your point how it could be pressure but I thought it was better to be honest and let her know of my situation. For some people any form of long distance is a deal breaker.

 

Honest is great! Asking for BF/GF at the end of the 3rd date is too much too soon. In the moment it probably sounded romantic so she said yes. Upon further reflection when she realized she doesn't know you & you two will spend the next 7 months apart (the one where she's gone plus the 6 you will be doing your program) the idea was more daunting because an LDR is hard. There is no physical connection. A two hour plane ride is still 4-5 hour ordeal plus expenses. As a med student do you really have the $$$ to be dropping $200 every month for transportation. Plus if you are not already intimate the logistics of the sleeping arrangements take on additional pressure. If you come back to her, presumably you can crash with friends but if she comes to you, the expectation will be that she sleeps in your bed. Again circumstances are bringing this to a head too quickly.

[lovenoobi]

Honest is great! Asking for BF/GF at the end of the 3rd date is too much too soon. In the moment it probably sounded romantic so she said yes. Upon further reflection when she realized she doesn't know you & you two will spend the next 7 months apart (the one where she's gone plus the 6 you will be doing your program) the idea was more daunting because an LDR is hard. There is no physical connection. A two hour plane ride is still 4-5 hour ordeal plus expenses. As a med student do you really have the $$$ to be dropping $200 every month for transportation. Plus if you are not already intimate the logistics of the sleeping arrangements take on additional pressure. If you come back to her, presumably you can crash with friends but if she comes to you, the expectation will be that she sleeps in your bed. Again circumstances are bringing this to a head too quickly.

 

umm really appreciate your input but more clarification lol.

 

I've graduated med school, is actively working and earning money so what i'm doing is the specialist training program. (this is Australia so it may or may not be with what you're familiar with). I own a house here so I won't be crashing in anyone's place when I return for holiday before the rotation is over. But again I take your point about financial expenses and long distance relationship.

[d0nnivain]

If you have the money to come home once you start your program, so you are in your house & can date her conventionally, this has more possibilities then I thought.

 

Just dial it back & carry on.

[smackie9]

You only known her for a month...seriously you need to relax and take your time. During this time just enjoy getting to know her. You are getting waaaaaaaaaaaay ahead of yourself.....it's too soon for feelings and seriousness.