ABernie Posted November 26, 2018 Posted November 26, 2018 You need to find the right therapist. I went to two that didn't work for me at all. My current is amazing. i don't know where I would be without her. I think one reason for the judgment, is that this is the OW/OM forum. As a WW, you just described what many of our MM/MW have done to us. It brings out raw emotion. You might be better off on the infidelity thread.
Author IloveJames Posted November 26, 2018 Author Posted November 26, 2018 Start by telling us what you are known for amongst friends? What makes you cool in your circle? What are your strengths? I love my friends. I’m very devoted, dependable and always try to be fun around them. I make friends for life. And I didn’t post in this subcategory, it was in breakups but someone very inappropriately moved it here... Requesting to have it moved back.
Author IloveJames Posted November 27, 2018 Author Posted November 27, 2018 TLDR: I broke up with my guy a few days ago. He immediately implemented full NC. I now seriously question and regret my decision but I know he is very hurt and annoyed. I try contacting him all the time but he doesn’t respond d at all. However, I can still see he reads my Facebook messages and hasn’t blocked me. I’m so confused... is this hope? Does he need space to decide or am I reading too much into it? I begged him to block me if he thinks it’s truly over as I have no self control but alas he still hasn’t blocked and reads my messages. It’s torturous...
losangelena Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 Time to learn some self control and stop messaging him! If he replies, he replies. If not, then you have your answer. 1
Zahara Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 It’s torturous because you’re doing it to yourself. You’ve messaged him and he’s ignored you. Maybe this is the opportunity to allow each other space and time — for you to figure out the outcome of your marriage, the chance to gain some emotional clarity/stability and the energy to focus on your therapy. You claim you’re in a dead marriage and you also claim that your boyfriend isnt emotionally healthy. Are you clinging to these relationships because you’re afraid to be alone? Maybe when you start to believe you deserve better and regain your emotional independence, you won’t be settling for these unfulfilling relationships.
Garcon1986 Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 Well those are very essential characteristics, electronic high five to you for keeping that around. How can we use them right now, to reconnect with your closest friends?
Author IloveJames Posted November 27, 2018 Author Posted November 27, 2018 I’m not sure if I’m in the right forum or something. Everyone seems to be a little harsh - is this an unspoken code for motivating someone that I’m not getting? I’m really really really down and criticism literally makes me cry again and again. And it’s funny everyone has an easy solution to my problem, yet we meet here and not in the Golf chat forum, right? Let’s support, not bring down. Maybe I’m too sensitive now. Nothing feels normal.
Author IloveJames Posted November 27, 2018 Author Posted November 27, 2018 You are not being tortured except by yourself. He went NC to preserve his dignity. He didn't want to be the guy that groveled & begged who chased a married woman with kids who can't move to live by him. He didn't want to keep picking at the wound you left on his heart when you broke up with him. Him being NC is a positive thing because it's forcing you to address many of the issues in your life & take steps to fix them. Now this is simply mean. I broke up with him because he wasn’t sure, because he drinks a lot, because he started becoming morbidly obese and not caring, because he has attachment issues... yet I miss him and love him. I’m even looking past these issues, probably because I idealize him and the past. I need help how to stop doing that, don’t tell me how he chased me and I broke his heart. That’s not a true statement. During the breakup I suggested we work on these issues and that things are reversible and he simply said it wasn’t meant to be... I don’t want to feel like a victim, but it’s not all my fault for sure.
Author IloveJames Posted November 27, 2018 Author Posted November 27, 2018 Help me process all this. He drank a lot. He wasn’t emotionally available. He wasn’t a good math. But I needed him more than anything in my life. I eventually decided to call it off and he went full NC on me. I immediately regretted it. I’ve been abandoned all my life and this feels like it. I’ve decided to win him back, look past all concerns, I yearn and idealize him, I fantasize all the time about our past... But he is not talking to me. Why do I regret it so much? Why did I have the courage to do it and now I’m devastated? Would it have been different for me if he didn’t do NC? Why is he enjoying seeing me beg for his attention and simply ignoring it ( I see he reads my messsenger texts)? I haven’t slept in 4 days. Please help me process all this
basil67 Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 Breaking up with someone means that it's over. There is no 'working on issues' once you've broken up. If you want to address issues within the relationship, you do it while you're still together. And it's absolutely his prerogative to go NC if you've broken up with him and it's not abandonment on his part as you were the one who chose to break up. The things he said about not being sure if he's in love with you....those weren't gaslighting comments. He was just being honest about how he feels. 3
basil67 Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 I’m not sure if I’m in the right forum or something. Everyone seems to be a little harsh - is this an unspoken code for motivating someone that I’m not getting? I’m really really really down and criticism literally makes me cry again and again. And it’s funny everyone has an easy solution to my problem, yet we meet here and not in the Golf chat forum, right? Let’s support, not bring down.. I'm sorry we're not meeting your needs. But to give context, the first part of getting you back on your feet is for you to be able to see what's going on rationally. At this point, it's accepting that you ended it and he moved on. Then the healing starts.
guest569 Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 I'm sorry you're going through a rough time at the moment. Sometimes we break up with people because we have to. Not because we want to, not because we no longer love them, not because we don't want to be with them. Do you feel that you made the right decision? You've listed a few very valid reasons for walking away, these are important. I don't think he was gaslighting, he genuinely didn't know if he was all in or not. NC is neither positive or negative, its just a necessary and inevitable part of breaking up. He's not doing it to be mean or petty. It's just what has to happen, and it helps you both avoid further pain and suffering. Talking about issues now might lead to arguments, dwelling and finger pointing. The less said the better. I'm guessing he is aware that his weight and alcoholism are issues but he hasn't dealt with them. As for him not loving your son, well it isn't his own son but it would be important for him to at least like your son and have a good relationship, I feel. If things were rocky between them it doesn't bode well. So remind yourself of why you left. It doesn't seem like an emotional snap decision that you made impulsively. It was from legitimate concerns about the relationship and your feelings being hurt by someone who wasn't giving enough of himself. I broke off my relationship and have questioned it too because I miss the good times we shared, I miss him every day. I go around in circles missing him, regretting the breakup, remembering bad times.. Then the good times. Then missing him and regret again. I want him in my life. But he kept hurting me and wasn't meeting my needs. Its so difficult but i just try to remember the bad times and remind myself why I made the difficult decision to leave. Your mind will play all sorts of tricks on you because your heart longs for him. Be strong, distance yourself completely from him for a while in order to protect yourself.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 Now this is simply mean. I broke up with him because he wasn’t sure, because he drinks a lot, because he started becoming morbidly obese and not caring, because he has attachment issues... yet I miss him and love him. I’m even looking past these issues, probably because I idealize him and the past. I need help how to stop doing that, don’t tell me how he chased me and I broke his heart. That’s not a true statement. During the breakup I suggested we work on these issues and that things are reversible and he simply said it wasn’t meant to be... I don’t want to feel like a victim, but it’s not all my fault for sure. No, her post wasn't mean. It was real talk, which you evidently need. 4
Robert Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 For those posting, 3 threads have been merged into one thread for continuity, thanks
Zahara Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 (edited) Now this is simply mean. I broke up with him because he wasn’t sure, because he drinks a lot, because he started becoming morbidly obese and not caring, because he has attachment issues... yet I miss him and love him. I’m even looking past these issues, probably because I idealize him and the past. I need help how to stop doing that, don’t tell me how he chased me and I broke his heart. That’s not a true statement. During the breakup I suggested we work on these issues and that things are reversible and he simply said it wasn’t meant to be... I don’t want to feel like a victim, but it’s not all my fault for sure. Yes, you miss him and you love him even though he has all these issues. And it’s normal to feel this way even when you realize someone is bad for you because you’ve developed an emotional attachment and it’s going to take time to sever. It’s going to take time to get him off that pedestal. There’s no quick fix for that so in the meantime you’re going to have to manage your emotions more effectively even if it feels incredibly uncomfortable. Stop messaging him. You ended the relationship for a reason. You can’t end it with someone and then retract it because you now have second thoughts. He is right to stay NC - it’s called self-preservation. If you used a break up to jolt him into changing, then it has now backfired. But if you’ve ended it with him, you need to respect the decision you made as he is doing so as well and leave him alone. He can’t be there to soothe your pain and discomfort over a decision you decided to make for yourself. It isn’t fair to him. You really can’t have it both ways. It’s not his responsibility to teach you self-control. You ended it with him and it’s your responsibility to follow through with it. You can’t end it then expect the other person to manage the effects of your aftermath. You mentioned that you suffer from co-dependency and abandonment issues. This isn’t about your boyfriend or your husband anymore. This is about you beginning the work on your own self-development. You’re clinging to two unhealthy situations. Stop escaping. You need to change your priorities and that means you must begin to focus internally. Edited November 27, 2018 by Zahara 1
pepperbird Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 I'm reading your posts, and I'm not seeing love for these men. I see a craving for that they can do for you to distract you from your own unhappiness. Madam, I am sorry you had a rough time when you were younger, but that being said, that doesn't give you the right to use others to salve your pain. I don't think you're setting out to do that, but it is the end result, and it puts you on a treadmill you'll never get off because the original issues will still be there. I would advise you to start some therapy before you make any decisions about your future. 2
stillafool Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 I’m not sure if I’m in the right forum or something. Everyone seems to be a little harsh - is this an unspoken code for motivating someone that I’m not getting? I’m really really really down and criticism literally makes me cry again and again. And it’s funny everyone has an easy solution to my problem, yet we meet here and not in the Golf chat forum, right? Let’s support, not bring down. Maybe I’m too sensitive now. Nothing feels normal. How are people being harsh? I haven't seen any of that. 1
nolanola Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 IloveJames, I'm sorry you're having such a terrible time. You are going down a very painful spiral by contacting this person who is not replying. You can and will make yourself crazy. I speak with authority because I have been there. It makes me so ashamed now to think of the things that I did when I was getting out of a previous relationship. I can't even post them here under a pseudonym because it's so embarrassing. A lot of us have been there. That's why people are being blunt with you. They really do understand the compulsion to contact someone that you are entangled with. But you have to stop. Whatever it takes to motivate you, that's what you need to focus on. Think of it this way if this helps: every time you contact him, you drive him further and further away. There is no way to fix this right now. If you can stop contacting him now it's possible, after a lot of time has gone by (and I mean months or maybe even a year or more) and you have worked on yourself, that maybe you guys can be in each other's lives in a healthier way. But if you keep reaching out, you will push him so far away he will never talk to you again. I was in a relationship that nearly destroyed me. It took me about 2 years to go full NC and I was really fortunate that he stopped talking to me as well around that time. It took me at least a year to recover some sense of self esteem. I was in therapy and on anti-depressants. Once the haze of the relationship wore off, I started feeling better and better without the crazy in my life. That was 8 years ago and I do not miss him at all anymore. This is someone that I yearned for and did the craziest things to try to see and talk to him. It is totally possible for you to do it too.
d0nnivain Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 (edited) Now this is simply mean. I broke up with him because he wasn’t sure, because he drinks a lot, because he started becoming morbidly obese and not caring, because he has attachment issues... yet I miss him and love him. I’m even looking past these issues, probably because I idealize him and the past. I need help how to stop doing that, don’t tell me how he chased me and I broke his heart. That’s not a true statement. During the breakup I suggested we work on these issues and that things are reversible and he simply said it wasn’t meant to be... I don’t want to feel like a victim, but it’s not all my fault for sure. I wasn't trying to be mean. Granted I don't get it. You are unhappily married but you are crying over a lover who you describe as an obese alcoholic who is not caring with attachment issues. You also say that he moved away & you can't follow because you won't divorce your husband or move far away from your kids. You also broke up with him. WTH was he supposed to do, chase you? That's rich & egotistical. So what is it that you want? You want your husband & your kids. But you also want this lover to give up his life & stay put in an unhappy unfulfilling relationship with you where he only gets part of you because you are married to somebody else. That seems so unfair to James. Seriously, & I'm not trying to me mean here, but what does James get out of staying with you, especially after you broke up with him? I don't see it. I never said he chased you. I said after you dumped him he had enough sense not to chase you. He went NC because he grew tired of dating a married woman. If you want him back, divorce your husband & relocate to James. Its a choice: Your husband or him. You can't have both & that is really what's upsetting you. Edited November 28, 2018 by d0nnivain
Redhead14 Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 This thread has gone on for quite some time now. OP, you don't love either of these men. You want more for yourself and look to men to fill the "void" and make you happy. James drinks alot, is becoming morbidly obese, wasn't sure about you, has attachment issues, etc. A strong, secure woman wouldn't "want" this man. You don't love him, you love what you're dreaming of, what you see for yourself, what you're hoping for. If this man has attachment issues as you say, you will find yourself being very lonely in a relationship with him and, given the other "issues" you've mentioned, if you two were together, it would likely be a co-dependent relationship that will drain the rest of the life you have right out of you anyway. You need to get right with Yourself. Start loving yourself and becoming a fully independent secure woman in her own right. Divorce your husband and let James go and get on your own two feet for a while. A woman shouldn't need a man to make her happy. She should already be happy with herself. A man should only enhance and add to the happiness she already has. Take yourself by the shoulders and give yourself a good shake.
stillafool Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 I’m not sure if I’m in the right forum or something. Everyone seems to be a little harsh - is this an unspoken code for motivating someone that I’m not getting? I’m really really really down and criticism literally makes me cry again and again. And it’s funny everyone has an easy solution to my problem, yet we meet here and not in the Golf chat forum, right? Let’s support, not bring down. Maybe I’m too sensitive now. Nothing feels normal. Maybe you are too sensitive for a public forum and should take these concerns to your close friends and relatives. When you bring your problems to a public forum you may not like the responses and what you read. People are going to be brutally honest and not sugar coat.
pepperbird Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 op I thought about your story a bit more, and I wonder if what you love isn't so much the person, but it's more what they made you feel. You're unhappy in your marriage and feeling like there should be a lot more. Along comes James and he cares about you, is good to you and you feel happy. That what I think you may be "in love" with, and I would ask you to really think about that. If you've thought it all out and you agree it's more the feeling, that's actually really great news, as the truth of the matter is that you don't need someone else to give you that. It's all in you, and you don't really need him to be happy. Go learn to be happy with yourself, and the rest will follow.
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