I asked her but....

[sad0]

Hi all,

 

Longtime lurker in this forum, albeit the infidelity section. I have no friends to tell this (i'm working on it), and wanted somebody to share what I just went through.

 

Some background, I'm 26M, I've been seeing a massage therapist now for the last two weeks and today was the third time. It was an actual/legit massage. We were of similar age which was a surprise and sometime in the first session I just really liked her. She's Russian (I'm Asian if that matters) but I could tell that she's somewhat Americanized which was not what I expected, and I felt like we just connected, even if it was a little. She's extremely pretty in every category and I'd say I'm average.

 

This third time I finally brought myself to ask her out for coffee at the end of our session. I even tried to be romantic in a subtle way throughout and I think she genuinely thought it was sweet.

 

I asked her before she went to grab me tea at the end "Do you want to have coffee sometime?". She said "oh I already had coffee at starbucks" then fled out without giving me a chance to respond. I felt like she just dodged my question but I considered maybe she misunderstood me.

 

She came back with the tea and gave me a hug, so I reiterated saying that when I mentioned coffee, I meant some other time. She said "I don't know, I really don't know, I work all the time". I said I can be flexible and be around your time. She said "I want to be honest with you that I can't make any promises" and something like "I'm really not sure" [about you]. She also did say "I'm really not sure but I would like to see you again", meaning as a massage client.

 

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say "well can I give you my number in case you are interested?" but it felt too awkward. After she said her last, she left a second after and didn't give me a chance to say anything else.

 

As I was leaving the place, she tried to button my top but I didn't let her. Seemed like she was trying to appease me but I was pretty down.

 

I never write these things out to the internet, but I need somebody to peer into my life right now

 

What bothers me is that I really can't see myself going back anymore meaning it seems I won't see her ever again, after just asking her out like that. What also bothers me is that I didn't give her my number in case she wanted to reach me.

 

I also wonder maybe I didn't give her enough time to think about it. I kind of abruptly asked her out at the end of the session. Maybe somewhere deep inside, she does like me?

 

During our last session we talked casually (although I was trying to flirt), and I got the sense that she was a girl who got a lot of attention for her beauty. On the one hand I thought maybe average ol me would have a hard time keeping her, but on the other hand I'm thinking did I really just let a beautiful woman like that slip away from me....

 

 

Thanks for reading and for your time. please help me if you can.

Edited November 26, 2018 by sad0

[Larry56]

Sorry but she doesn't like you in *that* way. You did ask/hint several times from a romantic disposition.

 

I am 99.9% sure she already knew how you felt about her. If she is as beautiful as you say she is ...then it's more than likely she gets this kind of attention all the time and has probably developed a 'sensor' for when someone is interested in her.

 

Don't beat yourself up about it. If you don't want to feel awkawd I wouldn't go back there - just find someone else who can get it done for you. On the other hand if you really don't mind what happens by all means go back but the likelyhood of her changing her mind about you is very low.

 

Sorry bro.

[sad0]

Larry, thanks for reading my post and commenting. I really appreciate your words and insight.

 

I don't want to ask her again, because I phrased the question very clear to her. And since she's Americanized (she watches South Park, Simpsons, plays video games) she must know what I really mean when I ask "do you want to go for coffee".

 

The only thing I do somewhat regret is that I didn't, at the same time when asking her, leave her my phone number on a note and say "if you do have time, here's my number". At least then there's still an open tunnel in case somehow she had feelings that she didn't express to me. But now the only way really for me to see her again to see if she really has nothing for me is to go back, which I really feel uncomfortable about. Or maybe she'll look up my number for when I called the place? She did answer the reception phone once. Am I just grasping for hopeless straws now?

 

I always thought I was different from usual guys. I think I have a deep sense of confidence, and she even said "You're making me shy, people usually don't do that to me."

 

I thought somehow she wasn't somebody that gets hit on, and that I could be a great catch for her. Well.... seems not

Edited November 26, 2018 by sad0

[basil67]

It would be highly unprofessional of her to date a client. In fact, she could lose her license. Professionally speaking, she now needs to refer you to a new massage therapist.

[Mrs._December]

I also wonder maybe I didn't give her enough time to think about it. I kind of abruptly asked her out at the end of the session. Maybe somewhere deep inside, she does like me?

Seriously?????

 

You sound like a Stage IV clinger - you wouldn't take 'no' for an answer gracefully the FIRST time she turned you down by saying she'd already had coffee and literally ran out of the room. That was Clue #1.

 

And even now, you actually think that maybe you just "didn't give her enough time to think about it" and that you should have given her your number.

 

I'm sorry, but you're delusional.

 

Clue #2 came only moments later when you tried again to ask her out for coffee and she hemmed and hawed and told you she 'works all the time' which made it painfully clear she wasn't interested. If she had been, she would have mentioned some days she was free to meet you for coffee. She didn't.

 

Clue #3 was her continued back-peddling right up until you finally left. She was just continually trying to find a way to turn you down as nicely as she could without hurting your feelings. Jeez, I wasn't even THERE and I was cringing just reading how uncomfortable she was, trying to say no to you in a way that wouldn't hurt your ego or feelings. Ugh.

 

..but on the other hand I'm thinking did I really just let a beautiful woman like that slip away from me....

Trust me darlin', she didn't slip away from you. You never had her.

[Kelliousme]

Yeah.. this girl is really not into you. She's trying to politely reject you but you don't seem to get it.

 

Since you're a customer and she's still at work, it's kinda her job to be nice to customers. So it makes sense if she doesn't want to be blunt and tough on you (hence the appeasing). But honestly speaking, this girl REALLY doesn't like you that way. Not sure if she likes you at all.

 

I've had some guy in a training class ask me out for a walk/grab coffee. I didn't want to make it awkward so I just said, "No I had coffee already". Honestly if I was into him, I'd go get coffee with him even if I already had coffee haha! But I didn't like him. Far from. The moment he asked, I just hoped I finish the training fast enough so I don't have to see him ever again. Hope this gives you an insight about how the Russian girl feels about you.

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry, it doesn’t seem like she is interested in going on a date. I don’t think more time to think about it would make any difference.

 

You were brave - you took a shot and it didn’t work out this time.

 

It’s probably wise to find another massage therapist. I’m sorry.

[sad0]

It would be highly unprofessional of her to date a client. In fact, she could lose her license. Professionally speaking, she now needs to refer you to a new massage therapist.

 

She said while she’s unsure and can’t make promises she would want to see me again.

 

 

You sound like a Stage IV clinger - you wouldn't take 'no' for an answer gracefully the FIRST time she turned you down by saying she'd already had coffee and literally ran out of the room. That was Clue #1.

 

And even now, you actually think that maybe you just "didn't give her enough time to think about it" and that you should have given her your number.

 

I'm sorry, but you're delusional.

 

I know 99.99% you’re right that she’s uninterested. I get what she was saying. I guess part of me just wants to hold out to some slim chance she was just caught off guard and needs some to think and if I had left her a number to call then I would have complete clarity.

 

But I didn't like him. Far from. The moment he asked, I just hoped I finish the training fast enough so I don't have to see him ever again.

 

She told me even though she’s not sure, she wants to see me again as a client.

 

 

I guess I’m just hoping for the impossible because I can’t let go of her. Is that it?

[smackie9]

Good lord how much more can you push this poor girl....you have her dodging your advances like she's hopping barefoot on hot coals.

 

 

 

If you keep this up it's going to get to the point of harassment. SHE'S NOT INTERESTED.

[sad0]

Good lord how much more can you push this poor girl....you have her dodging your advances like she's hopping barefoot on hot coals.

 

 

I only asked her for coffee, and let her know my schedule is flexible. I didn’t even ask for her number. I get that she’s probably not interested. But you make it sound like with what I’ve said that I’ve pushed and hurt her- how come?

[smackie9]

I only asked her for coffee, and let her know my schedule is flexible. I didn’t even ask for her number. I get that she’s probably not interested. But you make it sound like with what I’ve said that I’ve pushed and hurt her- how come?

Those were rejections, and you kept at her when you already knew that because she dodged your approach by scooting out the room. You put her on the spot and each time she gave you a counter excuse...each time she was saying no no no. I have been in her shoes, and it's uncomfortable especially when you are put on the spot at your job. If you can't see that then it's gone over your head.

 

 

 

Tip: An interested girl would have said "Coffee? I would like that! what time? I'm off at 4.

 

 

 

They make it easy not dodge your advances.

[sad0]

That's hard, but I get where you're trying to say.

[Larry56]

So where your confusion lies is where women have this issue with their interactions with men and how they communicate their disinterest into "maybes", "I'll think about it", "I'm just so busy at the moment".

 

They will all put it down to previous 'bad interactions' with guys but the truth of the matter is that they just flat out suck at rejecting men. I'd love to rant about that all day but it sounds to me like you're a nice guy who's pretty harmless so her mixed messages are just dumb at this point since I DOUBT you'd do anything bad.

 

You're empathizing with her because you understand that women are emotional and what they say one day doesn't necessarily mean the same thing the next day! You may have learnt this from women in your life over the past few decades.

 

However, here's a little secret about women.

 

Whenever they say MAYBE but never commit to anything or provide a specific answer on the matter. Just assume it means they are NOT interested.

 

They don't want you to disappear COMPLETELY because well...you are paying her compliments and she is providing a service. But Like all the other posters are saying, Don't bother with this one.

 

Women GENERALLY know if they like a guy within the first few minutes of meeting him if they'd date him etc. Just sounds like you didn't tick enough boxes.

 

Sorry bro.

[Lotsgoingon]

I only asked her for coffee, and let her know my schedule is flexible. I didn’t even ask for her number. I get that she’s probably not interested. But you make it sound like with what I’ve said that I’ve pushed and hurt her- how come?

 

Just you asking out your massage therapist IS being pushy and in my view inappropriate. She's at work. She touches as part of her work. She smiles and exhibits good positive energy as part of her work. And you do the traditional male thing ... which is to take her work personally.

 

In situations like this, let the other person ask you out. Otherwise, you are really disrupting her day and her flow.

[sad0]

Thanks Larry, I really appreciate your comment.

 

Just you asking out your massage therapist IS being pushy and in my view inappropriate. She's at work. She touches as part of her work. She smiles and exhibits good positive energy as part of her work. And you do the traditional male thing ... which is to take her work personally.

 

In situations like this, let the other person ask you out. Otherwise, you are really disrupting her day and her flow.

 

I don't ask every pretty girl out. And yes I know they are supposed to smile, but sometimes you can tell if they're doing it more than just for business. I thought we shared a personal connection somehow during our first session. Made me think she might've liked me as well.

I wasn't planning to go anymore (its expensive to do it regularly) so I need to ask or it's gone.

[ElKay]

If you think you would have felt better by giving her your number, you wouldn't have. You would still possibly wonder if she's too shy to text you, or budy... Or heck, even lost your note! It's better that you didn't keep pushing her by forcing your number upon her.

[sad0]

If you think you would have felt better by giving her your number, you wouldn't have. You would still possibly wonder if she's too shy to text you, or budy... Or heck, even lost your note! It's better that you didn't keep pushing her by forcing your number upon her.

 

I wouldn't have blamed myself if she was too shy, busy, or not interested, since that's all her free choice. I'd be annoyed at the thought that she lost her note.

[smackie9]

You misinterpreted her professionalism in how she helps her clients relax. She is taught to have a connection, give positive energy, with her clients, to make them feel good, happy, relaxed during the session. It's part of the therapy. No different than a waitress/bartender. They know if they want repeat business and tips, they will act like your best friend, flirt, be chatty.....and they hire attractive people to do this kind of work.

Edited November 28, 2018 by smackie9

[sad0]

I understand that a person needs to put on a face for the client.

 

But perhaps I’m deluded to think she liked me deeper than that. In the end I’m hurt because I liked her very much. .

 

But I don’t think she’s a “poor girl” as you say. All I did was ask for coffee. I think she went on her happy way after turning me down like that. She’s pretty, has a good personality, and for all I know might’ve never cared a thing about me.

[preraph]

If it wasn't you, we here at LS warned someone else about this very thing recently and said at least wait until you're done seeing her because of exactly what happened: She wasn't at all interested, and now you don't want to go back, and she lost a client, which could actually reflect on her at her workplace. She is not interested at all. She has a grown woman's brain and did not need to think about it longer. Her initial reaction was to flee.

 

Sorry. Don't do that again to someone who is paid to be nice to you. It puts them in a bad position. They need clients worse than they need a date. It will be very awkward now if you do go back. Either way, she is who is hurt by it the most.

[sad0]

I went back the second and third time just because I liked her personally. I wanted to ask her out the second time but didn’t have the guts. If I left after once it could’ve reflected badly as well on her. So I think you’re wrong.

[HumanMachine]

I went back the second and third time just because I liked her personally. I wanted to ask her out the second time but didn’t have the guts. If I left after once it could’ve reflected badly as well on her. So I think you’re wrong.

 

Nope, you’re wrong. You’ve come off way too needy and desperate, take the hints - SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU!!!

[sad0]

Wrong about what?

[smackie9]

I understand that a person needs to put on a face for the client.

 

But perhaps I’m deluded to think she liked me deeper than that. In the end I’m hurt because I liked her very much. .

 

But I don’t think she’s a “poor girl” as you say. All I did was ask for coffee. I think she went on her happy way after turning me down like that. She’s pretty, has a good personality, and for all I know might’ve never cared a thing about me.

No you didn't just ask her for coffee, you kept at her with each excuse she gave you, when she was obviously dodging your advances. She's left a bit uncomfortable, feeling awkward for trying to turn you down. No women feels good about rejecting someone, so stop being a sorry sap. It happens to everyone. You are the one that obsessed over her, spinning ideas in your head that she must like you.....she was just doing her job.

 

 

This strikes a cord with me because I have been in her shoes, and all I can say is, just because a girl is nice to you and talks to you doesn't always mean romantic interest. Gosh I can't count the times guys would accuse me of leading them on or sobbing over the phone because I won't go out with them when I did nothing to indicate romantic interest.

[HumanMachine]

Wrong about what?

 

Your mindset and attitude is wrong.