Another lesson...

[lostsoul95]

I work with different people every day. We have all kind of conversations, they tell me about their hobbies, plans or just how their days go. When I ask them “How do you know, if you have found the right person to spend the rest of your life with?”, they just tell me “You will know that, deeply in your heart…”

 

After my worst breakup 5 months ago with a girl, that I first dated, I could barely function the way I was before I met her. I had nobody to talk to, because that pushed everyone away, the fact, that I dated a woman. People, who I thought, were really close to me, they chose to turn their back on me and tell me how stupid I am. Being scared of the overwhelming emotions, that I turned out to like women, didn’t help me much with all the depression and anxiety, that I had after the breakup.

 

Then after 1-2 months I met another girl. She is beautiful and smart. I thought I could give it another chance … Maybe this would help to move on. I made a huge mistake. I didn’t heal myself completely and I hurt her feelings, I pushed her away with my anger, everything negative, that I have accumulated from the past relationship. I dragged her into my darkness. Turned out, she just got out of a relationship and it was a toxic one as well for me. So, we both weren’t ready. But we, somehow, managed to jump into the relationship. Now I fell in love with her. I really care about her, but I pushed her away to the point, when she doesn’t want anything to do with me, but just “be friends”.

 

It does hurt a lot, knowing that it was my fault too, that our short-term relationship, that lasted barely 3 months came to an end. I tried to work it out.. After a fight, we talked on the phone and have agreed to get back together, and the next day I got a message from her “Can I be single? I need to work on myself.”

 

My head starts spinning around, like someone just told me, that my imaginary cat died. Since then she is emotionally gone, nothing feels the same anymore. She is a different person, cold and careless. It drove me crazy, I lost my temper, I couldn’t control my anger. I was at the same dark place again. I pushed her even more away. She said, that I was right, that we are not meant to be together, even if we love each other and I should work on myself. But how could you just give up on someone like that… if you love someone, you accept their insecurities, their flaws and try to work it out no matter what. How can she just turn her back on me and move on like nothing happened between us?

 

She said she is single now and free, she wants to be happy and drama free. Last night, I wanted to ask her if she still has feelings for me, but she said she has answered everything and she doesn’t want to talk about dating or her feelings for me at all. I told her I will leave her alone, I just want her to be happy, and it seems like I don’t belong in her life anymore. I can’t be her friend, because I love her a lot, it hurts me, when I have to pretend, that everything is alright and we are good buddies, but nothing more.

 

She said she is not looking for a relationship any time sooner. I was listening to my heart instead and tried to work it out, I gave all of me to her. Maybe she is right, maybe I should focus on myself instead of her. She said I have problems, and it’s all in my head. Am I insane? Or just because I love her too much? But how can someone fall in love that fast … I cried so many nights, in front of her and without her. She even asked me, why I’m still holding onto her and not just move on, I said, that I love and care for her too much, I can’t move on.

 

 

Every time we had a fight over some stupid things, she said I am insecure and get jealous for everything. But I had my reasons too. She was hanging out with her ex and booked one hotel number with him (as she claimed, nothing happened), and now she is talking to the guy, who almost had sex with her.

 

After we got out of the relationship, she got a Tinder account back. And told me, that she had a talk with her professor and she said, that she should explore more options. Like all this broke my heart, I became more angry and desperate. And every time, when I have angry issues, she tells me, that I never change, that I’m all talk but no actions. How could she say that?

 

I drove 1 hour to her back and forth in the middle of the night. I spent almost all my spare time with her. I ran to Walmart at 2 AM to get her the stomach pills and later she told me, she can’t take it, because she never had it before. I was the one making sure she in not hungry and take care of every time she needed me. Every time, when say I can’t change, it made me so mad. Like how could you say that… when I tried to give you everything, all of me, and you found the courage to “spit” in my face like that.

 

Last night I didn’t have any hopes anymore, I gave up trying to fight for her, to chase her. I can’t do it anymore. I told her to leave me alone, I just can’t be her “friend” anymore and having my hopes up, then at the end of the day I hear, that she doesn’t want any relationships. I wished her the best and she said she would pray for me to find myself, to love myself and be happy again. I should avoid every communication with her, because every time it just breaks my heart and I am on the edge. I need to get over her and find myself again, I have lost my identity for now. I want to be happy and move on, it’s really hard, but I believe, truly believe, that time heals on the wounds and I won’t be hurt anymore …

Edited November 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

Oh dear. After figuring out that you like women, you had 2 short, intense failed relationships & had a lot of people who you thought cared about you turn away from you due to their prejudices. I am so sorry that your inner circle abandoned you. Do try to figure out who is still there for you & lean on them a bit.

 

In the short term your most recent EX is correct you need some time to sort out yourself. You can fix what is broken inside you by relying on another.

 

You put too much pressure on the 2nd relationship. You were rebounding from the 1st break up. Since it only last 90 days, you can't really expect that woman, who was also reeling from her own prior break up, to have the wherewithal to deal with all your issues. You have to be a whole, healthy person in order to form a solid relationship.

 

She is not an awful person. She does recognize something that you don't. You are not in a good emotional place to be in a relationship. That is part of why she doesn't want to date you. The anger is too much. Also she isn't ready. She is still healing from her break up before you but rebounded into you. She figured that out but you think it's a referendum on you. It's not.

 

Take some time. Figure out what gives you peace, internally. Don't worry about others. Clearly you have a nurturing side, which is why you fed her & went out to Walmart to get her stomach meds at 2 a.m. You just need to be still inside your own head for a bit then find somebody who will appreciate all you have to offer.

 

For now, accept that you can't be friends with the EX because the feelings are too raw. You want more then she can give so when you interact your longing for more makes you resentful. NC will help that to dissipate.