Did he block me? Should I confront him?

[InlandEmpire]

We had been seeing each other casually for a month, his idea. He lived down the block so it was very easy. It started off hot and heavy and everyday (sometimes more than once a day) and slowly became once a week when he got off work about one week in. He sometimes called at 3 am. We have completely opposite schedules so I wasn't that concerned. He's also 10 years younger. I let him do all the texting and told him that was a good fit for me because he'd sometimes work nights and switch back to days depending, it was confusing to keep up. I also hate initiating and had been considered too clingy in other relationships, so I wanted to prove to myself I could be a big girl. He said he liked that about me and that it was better if I didn't text him first because we were both coming off really difficult separations/divorces, so in case anyone found out.

 

Then one day he told me he was moving in 2 weeks and that we'd still see other. It was because of his huge expenses and he was basically going to stay with a friend and crash on his couch until he could get his life together. He told me the street and I figured he'd probably visit me since his friend was doing him a favor, so I never asked for an actual address. I saw some of his court papers and it had been obvious for some time that he didn't have a car or much money and didn't want to talk about it. I figured he'd have a harder time seeing me without a car and since he often would come over buzzed and would now need to drive to see me, me as his convenience would end. But, I never expected this.

 

It's been 2 weeks without a call or text. It's like he disappeared off the face of the Earth, but I can see he's been active on social media because all his stuff is public.

 

Knowing that he didn't like me texting or calling, I hesitate to contact him, but I also want closure and to be sure he wasn't waiting for me to initiate.

 

Should I:

 

Do nothing?

Call just once?

Text "How are you?"just once?

What happened to him in your opinion? Has he ghosted and is this a slow fade? Or will he return? And then what?

[TidyDancer]

Well... he isn’t ever going to give you the commitment you want and deserve. He sees it as a casual thing but you are thinking a lot about him and why he hasn’t been in contact. So you want a proper relationship which is fair enough.

 

If I were you I would try to forget about him and find someone else who is more worthy of your time. Remember that because you’ve been having passionate sex with him your body has become invested. But this is purely a chemical thing and those feelings WILL fade (I know it’s hard to believe but they will). Find a decent man who is not using you.

[divegrl]

Simply move on.

 

My guess is he will return at some point. But until then focus on you.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

When any relationship starts off "hot and heavy" from get go, they tend to burn out real fast. He prob never saw you as more then FWB. Do not contact him cause that will just hurt you more.

[ExpatInItaly]

it was better if I didn't text him first because we were both coming off really difficult separations/divorces, so in case anyone found out.

 

Did that not raise a red flag to you? It should have.

 

Is he still married? Was he living with his ex? My assumption is that he wasn't concerned about anyone but his ex finding out. When you have to have a relationship in the shadows, there's a problem.

 

Whatever is going on with him, he's not interested anymore. There is no need to text to confirm that, or ask how he is. He isn't bothered about reaching out to you, so I would not extend the same courtesy here. He isn't looking for the same things you are, unfortunately.

Edited September 29, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[TidyDancer]

He will return because men like this always do. But you need to ask yourself if you want to be an option to him? Or find a good man who isn’t kipping on someone’s sofa and up to his ears in financial issues with emotional baggage to boot and who only calls you when he wants sex. You deserve more.

[InlandEmpire]

Thank you for your sound advice everyone. I had been leaning towards doing nothing and letting go with the knowledge that someone 10 years younger found me attractive enough after an abusive marriage, which was huge for me. That seems like my best bet because I'm sure he'll flake out and disappear again if we do reconnect and this was supposed to be easy and fun, right? And I guess I'd prefer the slow fade and not knowing rather than him coming back with, "I pushed someone younger and hotter to the top of my FWB list and you didn't make the cut." In all honesty, do you think that's probably what happened here? He replaced his black book of FWB near our street with a new list closer to his couch at the new place since he has no car?

 

Expat In Italy, there were a lot of red flags, thank you for seeing that and making me understand just how ridiculously one-sided this was. I'm proud of myself for not clinging, but I went the opposite extreme here and should have had the right to at least check in more often, right? His ex had finally filed for divorce and I saw the public record of that around the same time he decided to move away. She had taken the kids and moved. They used to live together on our block, but I had just moved there and had never met her. I chalked up the "don't text me first" to him being wary of her using a private investigator to gain footing in divorce proceedings. Something else he said that didn't sit well before she filed, was that he might get back with her, but he knew he couldn't stop cheating on her. So, he told me not to be surprised if he didn't text me for a month, but then started up again with a new number. She's posting all these memes on social media indicating she really is done, like "if someone shows you who they are, believe them."

 

I don't know what to think. Did he play all of us?

Edited September 29, 2018 by InlandEmpire

[ExpatInItaly]

Something else he said that didn't sit well before she filed, was that he might get back with her, but he knew he couldn't stop cheating on her. So, he told me not to be surprised if he didn't text me for a month, but then started up again with a new number. She's posting all these memes on social media indicating she really is done, like "if someone shows you who they are, believe them."

 

I don't know what to think. Did he play all of us?

 

Why on earth do you want a guy who openly admits he can't stop cheating on his own wife? He has no moral compass and no sense of respect. He also warned you he might go back to her. Why did you continue even seeing him after that? Her memes suggest he's tried to get her back but she realizes he hasn't changed at all. That's probably the real reason he didn't want you texting; he didn't want anyone to blow his cover while he was actively trying to get her back.

 

This is not what a good candidate for a boyfriend looks like, and I would bet a lot of money that you are just one of several women he goes out with. I am not sure I would say he played you, exactly, given that he was pretty open about his bad behaviour and potential to reconcile with his wife. It seems you discovered fairly early on what he was about. I don't see that he made promises he hasn't kept or really tried to lie to you about his intentions. Correct me if I'm wrong, though.

 

But in any case, I would be grateful he's gone.

Edited September 29, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[Mardelis]

He's broke and he's a cheater.

 

 

Aim higher.

[smackie9]

He had this planned out from the beginning..keep it on the low down, limit contact, convenient, him calling the shots. This was the arrangement. You accepted this arrangement. He promised you nothing, so he feels no obligation to you at all. This was done on purpose. All he wanted was some sexual healing.

 

 

 

He is in no place right now in his life to have a relationship or have any connections. He's making sure he is left alone.

[Gaeta]

It started off hot and heavy

Most stories starting with this

 

 

 

It's been 2 weeks without a call or text.

End like this.

 

 

Leave it alone and move on. He was not ready to date, or still hung up on an ex....your pick. Be wary of those hot and heavy starts.

[InlandEmpire]

Thank you everyone, it's hard to let go but a must. The plot thickens. I discovered he had videotaped me secretly the very last time we were together. He admitted it afterwards. And he also mentioned setting me up casually with his married BFF if he went back to his wife at one point (!) I think I dodged a bullet here and some STD's. I'm mad at myself for answering his texts after he warned me he could go back to his wife Expat. I truly didn't think she'd want him back, but even so, why didn't I set higher standards for myself? I think I need some alone time to assess why I'm okay with being used. And surely he knew he would be moving long before he told me smackie9? He waited until 2 weeks before, but has to give 60 days notice! Unless of course, he's such a loser that he got evicted or whatever. You're so right that he planned this out and even had a timeframe to end it in mind.

[InlandEmpire]

Well, I think I got my answer and I'm so angry. Mr. Broke with no car staying with my friend is posting videos of his kids out with his wife. Restaurant he's at with her is like a mile away from our block. Looks like he's working pretty hard to reconnect and not on a couch?

[InlandEmpire]

Do I block him at this point if you were me?

[smackie9]

Do I block him at this point if you were me?

Hell ya!!!!!!

[ExpatInItaly]

Do I block him at this point if you were me?

 

I can't fathom why you wouldn't.

[preraph]

If he's broke and just had to move, that always runs into some expenses. He probably had to buy some things and is dead broke. He's also been busy moving. He's also probably been emotionally drained because of why he's moving and dealing with all that. They might have gotten sentimental dividing stuff up. And you said two weeks ago and so he's moving right now as I understand it.

 

I don't think it would hurt to just send him a text: Hope moving is going well and you're settled in soon. Don't wait for him to text right back. What if his new place doesn't have wifi or something. Anyway, do it and then just wait and see.

[InlandEmpire]

I’ve been seeing a guy casually for 5 months during both of our divorces. Everything was going pretty well or so I thought. I asked him to add me on Snapchat and he did even though he says he doesn’t really use it. It had been a few days after adding him. He didn’t seem at all active in that time. Yesterday, I logged in and I could see his username, but no emoji by his name. He’s off my friend list. It’s like he deleted me. I went to my contacts to try to readd him and COULD find him. There was a purple line by his name and it just spins when you try to add him. It broke my heart when I made a fake account and could easily add him. Did he block me? We’re still on Facebook and Instagram so I’m so confused. I’ve been really nice to him, I’ve even given him money here and there when he was in between a new job and told him not to pay me back. I never hassle him and see him on his terms. I never, ever text first.

 

Should I confront him the next time I talk to him or leave it alone? Is it better to confront in person if I do?

 

Could it be his ex and/or other girls? Is he worried possibly that she finds out about me? Why else would he block me or is it a glitch?

 

I’m so upset and I also find Snapchat confusing. Any advice you can give means everything. I did ask support, but they sent a canned response that they’re looking into it.

[d0nnivain]

Confront is an aggressive word & I do not recommend you confront him.

 

Do talk to him calmly & quietly. Tell him what you realized: you two are still connected on FB & IG but not Snapchat. Ask him if that means anything.

[InlandEmpire]

Confront is an aggressive word & I do not recommend you confront him.

 

Do talk to him calmly & quietly. Tell him what you realized: you two are still connected on FB & IG but not Snapchat. Ask him if that means anything.

 

Based on what you’ve read so far, do you think I should be livid? I’m still on FB and Insta with him. The only other thing that happened is the night before this Snapchat mess, he told me not to give him any more money and that he felt bad and that I needed it more. I told him I was ok and not to worry and that I had promised him I would give him some if he needed it.

[d0nnivain]

I absolutely do not think you should be livid. Irked maybe, curious definitely but not livid. You started your thread by saying you have been casually dating for 5 months. If it's all still casual & uncommitted, he can do what he likes & you don't get a say.

 

It's clear to me that you are very angry about this. You are using words like confront & livid. So my 1st piece of advice is to wait to discuss it until you calm down. You will get nowhere if you come at him guns blazing over something as silly as 1 social media platform.

 

Why are you giving him money? Stop that immediately. 5 months of casual dating means you should both be financially independent from one another.

[FMW]

I don't think you have any reason to be "livid"at this moment.

 

Just ask him, clearly and calmly, about it. Maybe you are misunderstanding something. See what he says.

 

As far as the money, don't give him any more. That sets up expectations on your part, whether you consciously realize it or not, you feel he "owes" you a certain level of attention and loyalty because of it.

 

Neither of you are in a place to start a relationship from a healthy place right now anyway. Going through the turmoil of divorce and attaching to another person emotionally is a recipe for a lot of hurt and misunderstandings. I know that from experience. My advice would be to try to cool things off a bit and get your expectations under control.

[InlandEmpire]

Thank you for helping me calm down. He’s active on FB as we speak. This is a pretty one-sided casual relationship where he calls the shots and likes that I don’t text first and has said so. I’m very tempted to text him first which I never do and then ask him to call me and then bring this up and ask in a nice way. Curiosity about where we stand is getting to me. I have no idea when he’ll reach out next. Should I wait instead as I always do? I definitely don’t want to end things just yet over this, but I am very hurt. I will stop with the money. Do you think the money is scaring him and that’s part of this? Like he’s feeling this is veering into boyfriend territory? Or is it more likely he was afraid his ex-wife would see me on Snapchat?

[d0nnivain]

He likes it that you don't text first? Yuck.

 

Honey he's using you. He doesn't care about you. You are in his life because it's convenient. You put no demands on him & give him money.

 

What do you get out of this one-sided relationship? In your shoes, I'd fade away. He'll hardly notice.

 

You say you don't want to end things over this Snapchat thing but what about ending the relationship because it's unfulfilling?

[InlandEmpire]

It is starting to become very unfulfilling. He told me he was broke and I felt horrible. So, I involved money in month 3 and now every time he takes me on a date, I naturally wonder if it’s because he feels he owes me. The hot and heavy period is over just because we’re 5 months in and his new job has made him less available. There’s also been some signs that maybe his ex-wife is delaying the divorce after all and I’m wondering if he’s still trying to work it out with her. He also has other girls besides us! He blows hot and cold depending on what his ex is doing. My problems are bigger than Snapchat and this was supposed to be fun and easy. I’m super obsessed about it as you can see and I’ve also caught feelings for him.

 

Do you think he really blocked me on Snapchat?