Big decision to take.. I need support

[Iness]

Hey guys,

 

I’m new to this forum, not too sure how it works so I’m sorry if I’m posting in the wrong place or anything like that.

 

So... I came to Australia 4 years ago with a friend (we’re both from the UK) we did alot of together around Australia and finally settled down in a city for our final few months before going home. But, I met someone. This brilliant fun Aussie and we hit it off straight away. Long story short, I decided to stay and we applied for a partner visa together so I could remain here.

 

Shortly after my friend went back to the UK I moved in with my partner. Within the first few months of living together, I don’t know why but I had that gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right. He does thing differently to anyone else and has strange morals.

 

Anyways, one weekend I decided to go out with some friends for drinks and possibly clubbing. I had a super good night and got home at about 2am to find my partner wide awake. I thought nothing of it at first, maybe he was worried and waiting up for me? Well that was my initial thought. Well, about a week after I found out he went to a gay sauna that night... he took drugs and went to a gay sauna.

 

My heart SUNK, it’s a very different feeling when your partner possibly cheated on you with a man rather than a woman. I don’t wish it upon anyone.

We had plenty of chats about it and he says it’s the drugs that make him want to do crazy stuff etc.. so I forgave him, and told him that if he wanted to be with nene he can’t take anymore drugs and go to those places.

 

It’s just not something that I can handle. I think of myself as pretty open minded but I just condone that. So anyways, I started to trust him again and decided to forgive him, I had read on other forum that some people who take drugs sometimes has strange behaviors.

 

A year went by and I decided to visit my family back in the UK and left for 3 weeks, my partner came to the UK a week after I left and we spend 2 weeks there together. When we got back to Australia with him.. I found out that he took drugs again and went to the sauna..

 

He acts like it’s no big deal and I was in a really bad place, I felt like going home straight away. Flying right back to England. He begged me not to and started crying and promised none of this would happen again. So I forgave him.. again.

 

Now another year goes by and I don’t trust him, not one bit when it comes to his drugs and sauna. It’s my right to not be with someone that does that and I don’t understand why he just can’t be honest and not hurt me. I was missing my family and friends and decided to go back to the UK for 3 weeks and he couldn’t come because of work.

 

Leading up to it I begged him not to go to the sauna and take drugs while I was away. I poured my heart out to him, crying, begging him not to and that if he was going to, go simply tell me so I could just take my stuff and never come back. He swore he wouldn’t.

 

And guess was.. I know you’re totally not expecting this but he did it again.. he didn’t admit it though, I had this sick feeling in my stomach when I got home to Australia and knew I had to find out one way or the other. So my « detective » work started. I went through his phone, I know I shouldn’t have but it’s my right to not be with someone who does this. I’m not ok with it and I deserve honesty.

 

It’s been 3 months since I’ve got back and I’m trying to find the courage to leave. I have to give up everything I’ve built in Australia with him and it’s so hard. I know that going home is the right thing to do but it’s just so damn hard. I am so depressed and cry everyday. I told him that I was thinking of going back home for Christmas and potentially not coming back.

 

Obviously time has passed since the whole sauna story and he obviously begged for forgiveness and he is making it so hard for me to leave. He keeps buying me things telling me that he’ll do anything I want, that he loves me more than anything and doesn’t want to let me go.

 

I live with him and have no one to turn to and nowhere to go. I am trapped. I feel like a hostage. I also have a pet with him which makes things so much harder... I also fear going home and having a life in the UK again. Things are so different all my friends have moved on with their lives and I feel like I’d just be a stranger. But then again I don’t want to stay in Australia, the whole reason for me staying here was for him.

 

Please help me, I am in such a dark place with no one to turn to.

[maxi105]

hi ines, I will get back to this post later today as im in a bit of a rush, but I just wanted to reply to say id get back to you as you seem in a fix over this one (and I get why you feel so hurt and torn by this situation).but I don't feel I can answer this one until ive read more about the situation you've written about, and I want to try and give as fair as answer as I can on this one.

 

ive read the introduction bit of your post very very quickly and from that I think your partner isn't being honest with himself (or you) on this one.

 

but look, let me read your post in full come back to you later today and I will try to offer a longer reply on what I think.

 

I don't have much time, but I will get back to you on this I promise. so ill catch you in a few hours or so today. hang in there. maxi.

 

ps. I will try to be as sensitive as I can, but I also don't want to mislead you in my thoughts. I will write (and always do) an honest reply about what I think. but I will also try to not overwhelm you if I don't feel it will go too well for you. (so im just prepareing you for my writing style!!!! hahah...don't worry, I will try to see things fairly as the point is to try to help or get you to consider things or think about what it all might mean etc...but im sure you know that or you wouldn't have written in asking for people's thoughts on this.

 

but hey welcome to the loveshack haha....its not a bad place to call into! so at least feel pleased that you are trying to reach out and get some clarity or rest for your heart on this one. its always better to look at things and deal with or try to accept them sooner as if there is heartbreak to come, it can somehow help to soften the blows.....

 

ok, ill catch up with your post. the next moment I get a chance to give it the attention it deserves. take care and best wishes, till later maxi.

[bathtub-row]

Let me see if I’ve got this straight - you meet a stranger in a foreign country, end up staying and moving in with him, he does drugs, has sex with men, coerces you to stay through tears and gifts. And you’re surprised by all this, quite shocked that it has turned out badly and that you have painted yourself into a corner. Is that a correct summation?

 

You say you deserve honesty so I’ll give you honesty - but you won’t like it. Only someone extremely stupid or naive (let’s assume you’re simply naive) would’ve moved in with a total stranger (let’s forget he’s in a foreign country) just because you really hit it off. Then let’s top that off with his drug habit, his cheating, and gay tendencies. What you call being “open minded” is working to your detriment here and hopefully you’ll figure out that this relationship has nowhere to go and you have made the biggest blunder of your life (I’m assuming). Unless you relish the idea of telling your kids someday about how daddy gave you AIDS because he gets a little crazy when he’s on drugs and sleeps with men. However he’s a great guy aside from those things that would be complete and total dealbreakers for most people.

 

It seems that moving back to the UK is your only sensible option here. Forget about the pet unless you have the money to put it through six months of quarantine and fly it back. Maybe the rules have changed about transporting pets from one country to another but if not, that’s what it will take. Again, being sensible, forget the pet and take the first jet back to your homeland. Then get tested for AIDS. Hopefully this will be a lesson on many levels that you’ll never forget.

Edited November 25, 2018 by bathtub-row

[FMW]

Being open minded about someone's sexual preferences doesn't mean being ok with being cheated on.

 

It seems your partner has a compelling need to be with men and can't give that up to be faithful to you. He's proven that again and again. I would have to learn to accept that's never going to change.

 

Is there another way you can stay in Australia without being partnered with him? If so, work on that and continue your life there, but without him.

[d0nnivain]

You have repeatedly been betrayed & lied to. Your head knows the right thing to do but your heart is still torn. While understandable you have to listen to your head. Your only other choice is to be OK with a lifetime of this because he won't change.

 

I believe there are support groups for women whose guy's turn out to gay or bi. Seek one out so you can find comradery from people who really do understand.

[stillafool]

Just so you know, he is never going to stop having sex with men. He doesn't need the drugs to do it; he uses them as an excuse. How many more times does he have to do this before you accept that he is gay?

[nolanola]

I'm sorry this is happening, but you've got to stand up for yourself. I know how hard it is to set boundaries -- I struggle with this too. But if you don't, the situation will not change and you will hate yourself.

My best friend moved to Denmark to be with a man she met online. She fell in love with Denmark and the lifestyle there and his family. They wound up getting married. Then he became abusive. She felt trapped because of the legal issues (with them being married) as well as how much she did not want to leave Denmark. She also had years of psychological issues to work through.

But she left and came home to the States. She was miserable and unhappy to leave but she got through it. They also had a pet together and she took her with her.

These situations are hard -- there is no getting around it. However, look at your relationship with this person. You can't trust him to do things that you find objectionable as soon as you're out of sight. He says he's sorry but doesn't change a thing. You're having to spy on him to find out the actual truth. Say it out loud and listen to yourself. What would you tell your friend if they told you that story? You deserve better and have got to take a stand for yourself.

[maxi105]

ok, hi ines, ive had a proper look at your mail and read the whole thing.

 

when you say he has strange morals the first time did you mean being sexually open and encouraging you to think or act the same way or were there other things that disturbed you or made you question things about the relationship.

 

I guess it hardly matters now, but who knows, it might help someone else reading the answers that might be in the same situation and is not sure about something in their partner...

 

hhmmmm...the gay sauna doesn't sound good if he is with you, from what you've said later on, I don't really think he is willing or ever going to give up on that part of his lifestyle, he enjoys it from what you say and for him its not anything to get steamed up about. he clearly enjoys it because its happened again and again!

 

im not sure it does actually feel any different than being cheated on by an opposite sex partner, other than perhaps the additional feelings of pride being dented, the shock of thinking that you knew someone intimately and all along you had to find out that you didn't! and then the humiliation comes from social relationship norms that you were part of so you worry what other people might think. about the sexuality issue.

 

I can imagine its no more tougher than the gay guy or gal that has the embarrassment and puzzlement and humiliating deflated feelings of the person that ran off with the straight guy or gal. its just going to hurt as much, all those memories, intimate times (and not all sexual, that mean so much...not to mention the LIES!!!!!!) and embarrassment of all those peoples friends finding out or knowing the truth about you and or him.

 

Im afraid I don't think telling him to stay away is going to change or stop anything. he has told you openly and would not really be listening to you (because he hasn't listened to you since). the sexuality thing is one thing, the drugs too!!!! that's another. you don't sound as though you are find with the drugs thing either, and there is no reason why you should be if that is not the sort of person you are. that in itself can cause rifts if you have to deal with a stoner and you are not that kind of person. life and responsibilities can slide if you don't share the same habits like that, and with a sober mind you see the person in a very different way. just the same as going on a night with really drunk people if you are sober! you see them differently (even good friends) it can make things uncomfortable if people go too far, and you are not only uncomfortable, but you are in another country facing Christmas will a lot of uncertainty and disruption so its no wonder you don't know where to turn. but I think part of it is that you are also turning inwards as you don't have the intimate verbal support from your uk family. (I am guessing they don't know the situation and possibly don't know how unhappy you are???is that right or do they know).

 

the drugs is also another problem or could be a major one if this man has been sleeping with people without using protection! if he's sleeping with random strangers there is nothing to say that they are always using protection with him either, so you could be opening yourself up to sti's and std's which is no joke and could be a real life changer for you.

 

so the first thing you need to establish if you haven't already is to get your sexual health checked on straight away, so you can either have peace of mind if you are clear, or get the chance to move back home and be with family so you can get the help you need quickly. Australia will always be there even if you have to get am emergency flight should things be desperate and you need your family's support and privacy.im not trying to frighten you further, but I do think you need to look at even the most potentially crushing and possible outcomes if your man continues to keep sleeping around (id say the same with a male as female on that point). you need to get facts about your own sexual health because if you are in the clear then it will act as a great eye-opener for you about your relationship.

 

I think he is gay or bisexual with a stronger preference for men. theres nothing wrong with that if he were a single guy or wanting to finish with you as he discovered his truer self, but he is not, he is clinging to you begging you to stay!!!! I suspect you provide an outside and more acceptable cover for those he fears will judge him! but im not sure he is ever going to love you in the way you need and deserve if he is so under cover and has been so active sexually in that way, he cant. he went to seek the sauna out, they didn't come knocking at the door to invite him to sleep with men who already "know" they like and enjoy sex with other men.

 

every time he goes out or you go out with him to places together, you'll be suspicious of good looking males, men he is chatting or joking with, places he recommends, people he talks about, innocently or with attraction for them. (it doesn't mean anything is going on or has gone on, but you wont be able to switch off from feeling angry or upset or worried about being cheated on), and you might also bring additional problems or make a fool of yourself if you go thinking people are with him that are not just because you are suspicious, jelouse or have got others looking out for signs that may or may not be happening etc...

 

you don't trust him, so I don't think things can change. I think being in another country is also making you panic.

 

you have to really look at what AUstralia means to you. do you have a decent job there, it doesn't have to be great money, but is it stable, do you enjoy it. it seems like you have built up good friends there? could they help you find a place to stay or could you stay a short while with them?

 

 

could your place of work advise you on accommodation or help find a safe place that might be temporary. the point is that if you enjoy Australia then why leave. you've been there 4 years(if ive got that right) and it is a huge place, so would it be possible to live in a different part of town or a few blocks away. leaving an entire place to run to somewhere you have not that much connection with socially is going to also be difficult and means you will need to start again in some ways too. however - if you like Australia and cannot find safe or suitable accommodation then it will be safer for you to return home and get yourself back to saving and taking it from there so you can be independent again or travel whatever.

 

 

I wouldn't say go running away for the sake of it if AUstralia is a place you love. if he is the only thing that is spoiling AUstralia for you then maybe you should try to see if you and your friends can at least come up with some solid ideas that will give you a bit of time away from him and a chance to start fresh or carry on with your job ect, just not with him....

 

 

if you go running home you will still have things to deal with and you might find you could be just as unhappy or frustrated with family once the novelty sets in.

 

 

but if you remember nothing else here. TALK IT THROUGH AS MUCH AS YOU CAN WITH THOSE AT HOME YOU CAN TALK TO AND TRUST, IF YOU CANT FACE ALL OF IT JUST YET, STILL LET THEM KNOW THAT THINGS ARENT AS HAPPY FOR YOU AND BE PREPARED TO GO HOME. there's no shame in it.

 

 

it could be worse. you are not married with the whole thing of divorce, children and pregnancy...…are there other reasons you don't want to stay in Australia apart from being heartbroken? if there are you need to think about them and if its money, can this improve or are you running out of money.

 

 

if you really think going home is the best option, then you must go home.feeling proud and ashamed isn't the right reason to stay in a country that is making you feel iscolated or unhappy. but neither is a bad relationship a reason to leave, if that's all that the problem is.

 

 

if you have work, like it, like the place, the people, ect...then think what you would do if a guy dumped you in the uk. you wouldn't go running to the opposite end of the country would you? you might move areas or streets but you wouldn't go to live somewhere new everytime your heart was broken.

 

 

is there any kind of helpline you can talk things through if your folks cant listen or you have no one. maybe talking in confidence in Australia to an anonymous help chat-line might elp at least get some local info for people who know Australia and the opportunities or difficulties or red tape you might face. at least you might have a bit more anonymity in Oz, so maybe seek advice in locally to see if professionals can help you to clear your mind.

 

 

I think some of your situation is about panic and the fact that you are not able to offload and talk to people who know you, or know the issues or the area in Australia you feel trapped in.

 

 

maybe if you are near a library or tourist centre/consulate or something you might get help about what a non native resident ay get help with.

 

 

also maybe it might be worth getting in touch with gay helpline in Oz to see what they think, it might help a lot to talk it thorugh in confidence and see what things have been like for others. are there any gay/gay issue drop in centres in the cities/towns nearby. if not maybe paste your email on a gay website and explain your worry to them and see if people are willing to help.

 

 

this is a long mail (I often write a long reply) but I feel there are parts of your post that are not as simple as saying leave or don't worry. another country is a big deal so you have to plan things properly and be sure you are doing what is best for you...NOT HIM or your PET!

 

the one thing I don't agree with so I will say that too, is the phone snooping!!! but I understand why you were driven to it, but that itself suggests so many things about trust and your relationship as a couple. he has told you he was cheating, so maybe just see it as, its not really worth being with someone that you don't trust however hard he begs.

 

 

im guessing that either there is a cultural thing too going on with attitudes etc...

 

 

one thing I would say though, if you can afford it. go home for Christmas or plan to visit as soon as you can after, if you do decide to stay.

 

 

you wont be the first in this situation as has already been identified by nolanola, so hopefully you can find out about similar things from people whove gone through it and don't live in the same country either.

 

 

I wonder if you are also younger than him? but whatever happens, get tested. if you need to go home even if its for Christmas or just a few weeks to think and then make longer term plans to move on, either in Australia or move a little further from his place in Oz.

 

let us know if you have found some useful places to try. you will be ok im sure of it. but what you musnt do is keep painting over this thing like it'll go away or he will change. he also has worries too, maybe ask if he'll let you stay there with him till you can get sorted and find a place to live on your own or in a shared house as a lodger or something.

 

are there any places if you need them quickly in a backpackers lodge. I think you'll be ok, but you need to start talking and looking at your options.

 

 

and I think that will help to take the edge of your darkness feelings. it sounds like apart from the secret sex sessions and lies, he is just a scared as you. but I think he is scared of his real self!!!!!!!

 

 

your health and safe place are your 2 first and most important things to sort out, even if you stay with him and say no sex at all and just stay there until you can sort yourself out, that might help him too, but at some point you will need to leave. just get those 2 things thought about and know what you are going to do for sure about them, as that will take a lot of the pressure, stress and panic out of it for you, but you can start to save up and make proper plans if you need to. also, if you should find out your sexual health is not in a good place for you after tests, then you need to GO HOME and be with your family regardless of anything else!!!!

 

you can always get back to things if you need to in time.

 

 

best wishes. hopefully you can work something out. maxi!!!!! phew....yup. im done! hope it helps a bit to take the panic away if you can look to other options.

 

ps. the pet is used to Australia and belongs there.so if you do have to go for good, buy it some nice treats and take LOTS OF PHOTOS OF IT. but like I said, it could all be a lot worse, so unless that is the case. do the best you can and look to taking realistic and helpful action.

 

the bottom line is you need a man that is I feel for your nature, exclusively heterosexual, honest, loving, single and will treat you with respect and you can trust; not someone who is risking his own health and sexual life with drugs, secret random sex, someone who is a proven liar, week, scared of who he really is and wants a chance to be that man.

 

I never think it works getting someone to love someone they don't love and I generally do say that kind of thing so I have to keep with that those same thoughts here.

 

he doesn't love you and he doesn't respect you because his real drive is for men, nothing wrong with that, but it means that unless you do find courage to leave, you are going to be hurt over and over again, you are going to feel as iscolated and dissatisfied as he clearly does. he is guilty yes, but he is I suspect also pretty unhappy because he knows you will go and have to go as well.

 

but the happy side of all this is that if you can go, (and I think you know you must go!!!!) you will find proper happiness after you recover your pride, dignity, have some time alone (ie manless) and then meet a guy when you are ready to date again and put all this behind you.

 

 

maybe you guys are better off as friends, if you can do that in time?

 

 

VERY BEST OF LUCK. DONT LET THIS GET YOU DOWN. YOU WILL COME THROUGH OK...just give it time and plan for your best and safe wellbeing whether that needs to be back in the uk or in another part of Oz.

 

 

and yes....this might take you another 4 years to read!!!!!!!!! but if one thing helps you here it will have been worth my time. so good luck. maxi.XXX

[Poutrew]

You need to divorce this guy - at the least, stop having sex with him. Otherwise, you are going to go to the doctors for what you think is a cold, and be told you have aids. The life long final gift your husband gives you in this life...

[Iness]

You guys, thank you so much for all your feedback. It feels super good to know some people are out there reading your story and helping you through it.

 

I feel as though some of you obviously don’t know the whole story and are a bit judgmental and it can be super hurtful because I’m in such a bad place right now and having someone criticize my decisions and situation is so destructive. I know I could have done better.

 

I just wanted to clear some things up - I know for a fact and 100% sure that he has not cheated on me with a man we’ve been together, his visits to the sauna have never been over 25mns. When a person has a reason to believe their other half is being untruthful, that person can go to great length to find the truth out..

 

So please believe me on that one. I am not stupid enough to believe anything HE would say. I have gotten tested too and I’m all clear so I’m no worried about that at all.

 

I have booked my tickets to back to the UK and I would like your opinion on what I should do. Should I break it off with him now and go stay elsewhere and be faced with the reality of what is happening alone. Or should I stay here until I go.

 

I’m just finding it super hard to make the move and move out because then it because real and I have no one here to support me. Where as if I’m at home and « break up » for good, I have all my friends and family to fall back on.

 

I know the second option might not be the honest one, it’s defintzly smother and it’s not like he’s been honest with me too..

 

Please don’t be nasty with your responses.. I literally cried for hours after reading one of your posts.

 

I’d like to thank Maxo though for writing such a long thoughtfulll post. It is so appreciated. Xx

[Ronni_W]

I have booked my tickets to back to the UK and I would like your opinion on what I should do. Should I break it off with him now and go stay elsewhere and be faced with the reality of what is happening alone. Or should I stay here until I go.

Do whatever will be mentally and emotionally easiest on you. Leaving the situation sooner is not going to make it 'more real' than it already is,

but if you would rather tell him once you are back in the UK, then do that.

 

Hugs, and wishing you the best.