5 years on

[guest569]

It's nearly 5 years since my first boyfriend walked away, around New Year's Day after declaring he was unsure, not in love, and that I wasn't the one. I'm still saddened by this and miss him, miss what we had, and miss the feeling of hope and excitement and looking forward to the future, even just our Sunday nights together. From start to end, our relationship was filled with passion, romance, love, friendship, humour, deep, meaningful, intellectual, special and something indescribable. Although he was my first, I knew he was a damn good catch and everything that I wanted. It is not easy to find the one, and I never wanted him to go.

 

I haven't spoken to him for over 2 years now, he could be married for all I know. I'm still really heartbroken. The memories are still very vivid and painful. When I step outside at a certain time of year, the temperature and the scent and the breeze take me back to specific times and places with him. Sometimes I just feel a wave of sadness and can't pinpoint why, then a longing for him. I had moved into my place the day before we met, so it was the start of a chapter, new house, new man, new job.. and all the memories are in this house. I am thinking about moving house, city or country. Will a fresh start help, or will my sadness follow me? I think he will be stuck in my heart forever.

 

I have had a few boyfriends since, loved again twice, been hurt again and again. I had a few short relationships, a fwb who is now married, and a slightly longer relationship with a guy who I would have married if it weren't for sexual incompatibility and his anger. I miss the hell out of him too, but I couldn't let myself really fall and be open with someone who would lash out at me and hurt me.

 

I don't really know what I want anymore. If my first boyfriend stayed, I hoped that we would move in together, travel, get married, have 2 kids, a dog and a cat. I don't care about being alone, I just miss the hell out of him.

[nolanola]

I'm so sorry you are struggling. It's ok to not be over him or the relationship. Sometimes it takes a long time, sometimes you're never fully over it.

 

The first person I ever loved I'm ashamed to say I didn't treat very well. I was young and thought every guy was like him. I thought I needed to play the field and have fun and hurt him really badly. We stayed friends for a long time and he was my best friend, although I think he always hoped we would get back together. Eventually he got tired of waiting for me and met someone else. He married her and we haven't been in contact really since then. Even though I understand that he has moved on and is happy (and I'm happy that he's happy), I still miss him a lot. Sometimes I see things that remind me of him and want to tell him. And it's been 11 years.

 

I've come to the idea for me that it's ok to love someone from far away. It's ok to hold them in your heart as long as that doesn't keep you from moving on. Since my relationship with him, I've had others that weren't so great and I think that's part of why I have a hard time letting him go. I miss him, but I also miss the relationship.

 

Hugs to you. I wish I had some other comforting words for you, but sometimes we just have to acknowledge that we hurt, that it's ok, and that it won't last forever.

[lop98]

^ hugs to you both!

 

I came here almost 6 years ago as a result of easily the most intense relationship and most devastating breakup I've experienced. I really believe that the way we internalize these experiences and have certain feelings, has more to do with where you are in life... or at least I try to convince myself of that.

 

Like both of you, I have dated in the past years.. two of these men were, in every way, far above this guy... and yet, when these relationships have ended, all quite peacefully I gotta say!, deep bottom I felt some sort of "thank god he's finally gone!".

 

I have also moved to 2 countries, travelled extensively and currently have a well-paid job as a director in the field of my dreams. I still remember when I came here.. and posting about how much of a loser I felt cause I had nothing.. literally nothing. So, life has been good ever since and I'm grateful, and I also think that the level of pain I felt then was some kind of catalyst that helped me break through what I thought was so hard.. the pain made everything else so easy.

 

And yet, when I spend long months too much into my routine (wake up, breakfast, shower, go to work, do the same, get back from work, gym), I remind myself to be grateful for what I have and to enjoy being single.. but the mind still wanders and I think of him. And similarly, the fall comes (I last saw him in the fall- 4 years ago) and I feel this knot in my chest and cannot believe we will likely never talk again.

 

See the shared pattern here? "phase of dissatisfaction in some aspect of life or in general= reminiscing".

 

If I knew the answer, I'd share it.. I think you just have to fight through the dissatisfaction as soon as it's felt and find a way to balance these thoughts. What helps me is usually working out and being disciplined with cellphone use, but I also think that life is not always "good", it has highs and lows.. and the lows are so unbearable sometimes! but when I get these 'highs', I don't remember him AT ALL.

 

For me, the biggest struggle (which is actually the reason I'm back here after years of not posting ) is to stop the snowballing from a harmless feeling of nostalgia to not working out for a week, followed by not being productive, actively searching for past conversations or any material "from the past" I can find to make that nostalgia "flourish" into plain depression and then the final level: looking him up and find out what he's up to these days. I've done that a few times over the past years and I tend to find nothing and just snap out of such a vicious circle, but last week, I was going through that and caved in and looked him up and oh my goodness, a whole album of pictures of his new relationship, and he looked as handsome as ever and they were walking around in the snow and looked like they were made for each other and damn... that cut deep. I learned my lesson: nostalgia is poison... drink too much of it and good luck getting yourself back together in a minute (it took me 4 days..).

Edited November 26, 2018 by lop98

[guest569]

It's ok to not be over him or the relationship. Sometimes it takes a long time, sometimes you're never fully over it.

 

I've come to the idea for me that it's ok to love someone from far away. It's ok to hold them in your heart as long as that doesn't keep you from moving on. Since my relationship with him, I've had others that weren't so great and I think that's part of why I have a hard time letting him go. I miss him, but I also miss the relationship.

 

Hugs to you. I wish I had some other comforting words for you, but sometimes we just have to acknowledge that we hurt, that it's ok, and that it won't last forever.

 

Thanks nola, I feel like you really understand where I am coming from. I have to say that I fall back into this hole after a failed relationship. When things are good in a relationship, I completely forget about my exes. Aside from one toxic relationship I had, I think I will hold them all in my heart forever. But it doesn't mean I can't fully love someone else and hopefully that will happen some day. I guess it is ok to feel hurt still but I can't see the pain ever going away.

[guest569]

I came here almost 6 years ago as a result of easily the most intense relationship and most devastating breakup I've experienced. I really believe that the way we internalize these experiences and have certain feelings, has more to do with where you are in life... or at least I try to convince myself of that.

 

I have also moved to 2 countries, travelled extensively and currently have a well-paid job as a director in the field of my dreams. I still remember when I came here.. and posting about how much of a loser I felt cause I had nothing.. literally nothing. So, life has been good ever since and I'm grateful, and I also think that the level of pain I felt then was some kind of catalyst that helped me break through what I thought was so hard.. the pain made everything else so easy.

 

And similarly, the fall comes (I last saw him in the fall- 4 years ago) and I feel this knot in my chest and cannot believe we will likely never talk again.

 

Thanks for another post from someone like minded. I do think that when things are great and I'm happily in a new relationship, I don't give all of this stuff as much thought. It's just that I'm so alone and think about this stuff more at the moment, and other things in my life aren't great.

 

Sounds like you've made some awesome progress in the past few years. I feel as though I have too. I was in an entry level, dead end job back then and I felt like one of the reasons he left was that I was not good enough. So I got promotions, got a degree and getting masters. People say that. 'Work on yourself'. Meh. I still hate my guts. But it has gotten me through. I have been ticking items off some mental list, adding more, feeling accomplished, achieving stuff. Moving.

 

I think all of my exes are very very very private people. Which is great because they're hard to stalk anyway. But I do try from time to time even though I dread the thought of finding anything, seeing photos, knowing where he is and what he is doing. I do not want to know. So why do I look? Because I miss the hell out of him and need to see him. But I need to see him in 2013, not now!!

[nospam99]

Hi OP. I came here to read and post because you posted on another thread in a category I follow something like you wished your threads got pages and pages of responses. Well, on the one hand you're getting a response from me. But on the other hand, and I'd say more importantly, the other two responders on this thread seem to me to be 'on the same page' with you. Many times quality beats the hell out of quantity. On topic, I hope you someday find a relationship that enables you to close the emotional book on Mr 5-years-on.

[guest569]

Hi OP. I came here to read and post because you posted on another thread in a category I follow something like you wished your threads got pages and pages of responses. Well, on the one hand you're getting a response from me. But on the other hand, and I'd say more importantly, the other two responders on this thread seem to me to be 'on the same page' with you. Many times quality beats the hell out of quantity. On topic, I hope you someday find a relationship that enables you to close the emotional book on Mr 5-years-on.

 

Haha, yeah I just get frustrated as some posters ignore all the hundreds of people trying to help them. I need all the help I can get. Maybe I am not so different, people try to help me but I go around and around in circles and I'm stuck forever. Thanks for your support It's ok if you're not on the same page as I am, it's just nice to talk to people as I feel so alone.

[Veronica73]

I feel like I sort of know where you are coming from.

 

I still am sad about the end of my marriage. And we split up four and a half years ago. I had boyfriends before him, but never thought I would get married until I dated him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But it didn’t work out, or maybe it was my fault...but we got divorced. And now part of me thinks that kind of partnership is over for me. Forever. But I still wonder if there is a chance for us somehow. But he’s like, “I’ll never change.” So I guess being the way he was, which was a problem, is more important than being with me. But I totally believed being with him was the right thing for me to do, and it didn’t work out. I worry that I’m done taking risks and from now on I’ll be like, “I can take care of myself, and that’s what I’ll do. I’m not putting myself out there for anybody else again.” So I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. :/

[nospam99]

Haha, yeah I just get frustrated as some posters ignore all the hundreds of people trying to help them. I need all the help I can get. Maybe I am not so different, people try to help me but I go around and around in circles and I'm stuck forever. Thanks for your support It's ok if you're not on the same page as I am, it's just nice to talk to people as I feel so alone.

 

I think I know who you mean by posters ignoring help. Oh well.

 

I'm not sure what kind of help you're looking for since this thread is about your sadness about something that happened 5 years ago. FWIW I usually post about dating woes related to OLD, both telling my stories and, hopefully in a small way, 'giving back' by making suggestions about the 'better' paths I've stumbled along. But if you have another or other thread(s) about topics you're seeking advice, insight, perspective, support, or just sympathy on, I'd probably be happy to chime in. So ... other threads about your requests for help?