Jump to content

My Commitment phobic ex wants to stay friends, but i dont want to and feel guilty..


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

I have been trying to write our whole story and everything, but always come to the conclusion that i just want to keep it really short. I just need to get this out, even if it's messy because i'm so frustrated and need others opinions etc.

 

We broke up back in may (he struggled with commitment issues) but there were several other factors that it wouldn't have worked out anyways. Long distance, he rushed everything, we were on and off a few times and i felt like we barely got started each time we tried again. Lack of communication and never on the same page ?. I really liked him, and still do to a certain degree.

 

I contacted him in mid october, when i was very low, not in my best headspace and my thoughts wandered onto my ex again. (First ex also, thus felt it was harder to completly let go back then) I eventually confronted him about everything and wanted answers so i would be able to remove hope, get closure and move on for good, cause i didn't want these feelings for him anymore. It was a messy break up in May, and there were so many unanswered questions and left me worried for him all those months, since he struggled to actually say anything when we had "the talk".

 

When i confronted him after he asked about my "love life" (omg i was also drunk, and felt like he just took the oppurtonity to ask personal stuff)

He opened up that he still loved me, but he wouldn't be able to fall in love with me again. It stung, but also made me happy..and a little frustrated and confused ?. He fell in love and out of love VERY quick, and felt like i wasted all those months thinking he just struggled to commit, but still wanted me, living through those months with a bad feeling because i wanted to explain myself and have a proper goodbye. Either way if he had feelings for me, i wouldn't want to go back, but it just stung to actually hear that after thinking he just struggled with commiting. Making me doubt everything (since i never trusted him)

 

He also said he never had connected with someone like me before, chemistry-wise and being able to talk about everything with, make him laugh and really enjoyed my company, basically showing a rare side of him complimenting me like that etc, i was really flattered.. but it wasn't mutual. I am all for being respectful and friendly, but FRIENDS is a bit too much. I DO think i still feel some sort of love for him, but i dont think i truly fell in love, but definetly caught feelings. We didn't get to know each other that well for me to feel like we built a good solid foundation for a friendship or a deep connection. Was never comfortable talking about everything to him, thus only my romantic feelings and chemistry that kept me going. Romantic feelings were still there when we had that talk, but it's been one week already, and i already feel a drastic change. Now i just have this huge feeling of guilt... because he expressed how much i meant (he struggled opening up and being vulnerable, so i can't help take the things he says to heart) and he really wanted me to stay as a friend.. but for me, the only reason i would want to keep talking, is if we were dating. I treated him extra special because of that, removing the feelings, i wouldn't be interested in talking. It just feels weird to downgrade after having something special from the start. It was also a LDR, but when we dated he was also in the military thus forcing us to be even longer apart than usual. When hes home, hes only 3 hours apart. When we broke up in May he was about to finish up in the army and come back home to start studying. I said my goodbyes, and had to repeat that the only thing that makes me want to stay, are my feelings. He eventually gave up and understood me. Ended with "my door is open if you want to come back", honestly wish he didn't say that ? just made it harder to completly let go..

 

Am i a bad person? ? i genuienly cared and loved him, but when i'm done with someone romantically, i am done. Period. No ill thoughts, but i sort of felt like he wanted the cake and eat it too (being able to talk like before, but not involve romantically anymore) We talked and sort of flirted, but i mean, it can just be in my head. Before i confronted him about everything, i hinted that i wasn't keen on talking and regretted returning and apologized for it. (because i knew i contacted him because of my depressive phase, and had no plans on staying) But he kept contacting me, thus made everything harder and had to confront him eventually to end it again. ? He did mention that everything changed after the military, when he got home and finally started studying. I mean, i read a lot of "symptoms" for a commitment phobe and he really show a lot of signs. I have this theory, that we're still attracted to each other, but we both know we're not good for each other (relationship wise), cause we both said we want each other to find someone who matches better. Now that hes a student, in his home city, i can imagine all the options he can get and don't want to miss out. "grass is greener syndrome" kind of thing. I honestly get that..

 

But i still don't know if i want to be friends with him. Sorry, this text was a complete mess, i'm just writing from my heart and just want to get it over with:p

  • Author
Posted

And omg, i forgot to mention..

 

He doesn't know this, but i'm most likely moving to his city next year to study, and i'm sort of dreading any form of interaction with him now. I don't really want to be THAT girl that blocks my ex everywhere, it just feels weird for me. He seemed to have moved on though, after our conversation i saw him on dating apps again, that stung at first.. but after one week i'm alright again.

×
×
  • Create New...