Midoriii Posted November 24, 2018 Posted November 24, 2018 Hello everyone, my first post here. I'm feeling kind of silly when I compare my story to some of the other troubles here, I've had my share of relationships and break ups, but this one just left my lifeless and I need to speak my mind somewhere. Apologies for a rather long post with many questions and if I sound silly or outright stupid, just need to vent a bit and I'd love to hear some opinions, some advice, some kind and many harsh words. Background We've known each other for several years mainly through mutual friends but never got to properly know each other. Then this summer we were both attending the same house party with our mutual friends and spent pretty much all of it talking with each other. Casual stuff at first but got pretty deep when we were the last two up, and we've spent much of the night conversing. After that, when we were saying our goodbyes, she mentioned she'd love to hang out again. We were both single for about half a year then, and so for the first time in my life I took my chances and asked her out. The dates went amazing, we got to really know each other, and after a bunch of them, when I felt the spark was there, I went for the kiss when escorting her home. And so we hit it off. The next few months were paradise, we shared core values and many interests while still keeping some of our own, which we loved to talk about. We went to many places and on many trips, parties and such, but still spent enough time on our own to have a breather. We've had nights full of cuddling and talking. The sex was amazing, fun and wild, throughout the whole night. Our families took liking to each of us when introduced. Of course there were minor arguments and misunderstandings, but only the bare minimum and all got taken care of with maturity and desire. For the first time I felt like this is truly it, I might finally be happy and spend the whole life with this girl. Now, I'm aware this sounds kind of naive, but everything was there, everything was peachy. I've never felt this happy in any of my previous relationships. Now I'm deathly afraid I never will be again. I feel pretty bad for having perfection and losing it, even though it's said it's better than never knowing it. Recent events Then the last two weeks she suddenly seemed a bit distant, didn't ask me out or write first anymore. I thought she's just swamped with stuff to do for her uni studies, because apart from that all was still good, we still met up on a regular basis and such. This Thursday I went to hers to talk about it and she told me she was really amazed by how good and genuine I was to her, but that she isn't feeling it as strongly as before and doesn't want to be in a relationship in which she doesn't feel it as strongly as the other one. Just like that, all of the magic and love there was, gone. Without any fights or faults. I really respect that she cares for me enough to not use my feelings and just enjoy the ride. But I'm baffled that all of it is just suddenly gone without a trace. Now she's probably the kindest person I know, and that is without seeing through the rose glasses. So I'm fairly sure she didn't just use me because she felt lonely and wanted attention, in fact I'd say she was genuinely happy during our time together. It just doesn't make sense in my head to lose all the feelings so suddenly. Now I'd love to hear some advice about what to do, should I distance myself to let her realize what she had lost, should I fight for her, should I wait while being a friend, should I completely block her off .. she wants to keep in touch and is messaging me all the time, which leaves me confused and afraid it's just because she pities me. I don't want her to see me as an option she can safely return to once she figures it all out. Is it possible she's just blocking her feelings, because of the stress from school and a family situation? Should I press her for more concrete reasons, and if there is someone else, or feelings for her ex? Should I make her tell me if it is definitive or if she needs a break .. For the first time I'm seriously considering professional help and happy pills, because I'm utterly devastated from losing her, I desperately miss looking forward to being with her, she made me a better me. But I've no idea how to go about that either. I also kind of fear the stigma. But I also can't afford to be devastated and slumping, while having much to do, attending a pretty difficult university myself. There's also the creeping feeling of never being good enough myself .. and never finding anyone that'd appeal to me as she did again. I'm not the type to go out and just bang chicks or find it really easy to meet new girls. It's not that I'm undesirable (even though I myself often think that), my dear friends dismiss that as nonsense and are usually pretty surprised whenever I voice my concerns of staying single. My previous record of girlfriends also speaks otherwise, but I do not want to self-praise for the sake of it, just painting the situation. It was always quality over quantity for me, I'm not the type to go for one night stands, I prefer deep connections with kind, witty, positive and mature girls, who seek no drama and are open-minded. She checked every box for me. Getting pretty old myself (23), I feel like time is ticking and all the worthy girls are being taken, coupled with my inexperience in getting to know people, I feel pretty terrified of being alone. While that is nothing bad in itself, I have the need to feel loved .. to feel all the happiness and the warmth I felt with her. While I'm sure time will heal it all, I feel like I'll forever chase the perfection I had with her and that thought cripples me. To anyone who made it through all that, my sincere thanks. I find myself at very difficult crossroads and I need to hear opinions and advice. I'm at my lowest point ever and can't focus on anything I should be doing and don't know what to do about her, if anything. I even thought about just leaving it all behind and trying to work and live in a different country, but I feel like I'm too introverted and cowardly for that. I hope my story makes sense, I'll add any details I'll remember. Also in no way I'm trying to self-praise or be a whiny brat on purpose, I'm just confused and hurt.
d0nnivain Posted November 24, 2018 Posted November 24, 2018 She's a girl in college. She is not perfect. Especially if you don't go to the same school as her, she doesn't want to be tied down to a relationship with some guy from back home (I'm assuming you live where she's from since you mentioned meeting over the summer at a house party). You may simply be a victim of circumstances. Keep some contact knowing you are not exclusive. See what happens when she is home on break & then later when she graduates & moves back home. You don't need "happy pills". Psychiatric medication for depression is for people depressed due to a physical / chemical reaction. You got your heart broken. It happens. In the long run you will be better off & stronger having endured the grief & emerged on the other side.
Author Midoriii Posted November 26, 2018 Author Posted November 26, 2018 Thanks for taking the time to reply, really appreciate that. She isn't the type to explore around for guys, I was her second. We're also from different cities but I get why you'd think that. I'm thinking about no contact for a month at least, but we still have to solve some **** this week .. Is there a way to accept that the breakup is nobody's fault ? I'd much rather deal with anger of me ****ing up or her doing something terrible .. the misery really holds me back during a challenging time.
elaine567 Posted November 26, 2018 Posted November 26, 2018 I really respect that she cares for me enough to not use my feelings and just enjoy the ride. But I'm baffled that all of it is just suddenly gone without a trace. Now she's probably the kindest person I know, and that is without seeing through the rose glasses. So I'm fairly sure she didn't just use me because she felt lonely and wanted attention, in fact I'd say she was genuinely happy during our time together. It just doesn't make sense in my head to lose all the feelings so suddenly. That is because we all grow up with the idea of love everlasting, we grow up with parental and family love. People who would die for us, people who love us unconditionally forever and ever. BUT romantic love isn't always like that, it can be, but often especially at the start it is all hearts and flowers and can disappear as quickly as it came. She recognised she was just not feeling it any more and told you. It is no reflection on you, it happens all the time. She was not the one, she was not perfect, just one of many. You pick yourself up, dust yourself down and carry on looking for someone else, someone else who may indeed be the one...
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