Men and being blocked

[732]

I recently went through a difficult breakup. We were together for over a year and in that time span a lot of breaking up and getting back together happened.

 

Recently, after letting me know previously months ago that this was the last chance, he finally ended for good and said this is over and will never happen again.

 

I’m writing to ask specifically because my ex is someone who once they make a solid decision, they stick to it for good. Even if their heart is telling them otherwise or even if any other logic presents itself, they will not budge.

 

I told him that either him moving on to another woman or him blocking me would keep me from reaching out by text. Mind you I don’t flood him with texts non stop, but I know that the reasons we broke up were a lot of outside factors that are since resolved.

 

He told me he was going to move on. I asked him if he already did and started dating someone and he said no but we aren’t together and he’s going to stay dating again. I told him he is free to do what he wants and I am only focusing on myself and getting in a better place but I know ultimately I want to be with him, so I will be reaching out until he is with another girl and blocks me.

 

I also said that if he is with another person and happy in that, then he should find it easy to block me.He never wrote back, but no, he hasn’t blocked me. We ended not all that long ago but yes I do have hope and yes I do see how much outside things were a factor. I have been in breakups with no contact, and I definitely see the value of space (as mentioned I will only reach out not in excess), but I do wonder- if he is so hell bent in telling me he is moving on and will start dating, why doesn’t he block me??

 

 

TLDR: if ex really never wants to hear from me again and knows he will never ever want this or give me a chance again- why isn’t he taking the opportunity to block me as I mentioned?

[nolanola]

I feel for you and I totally understand where you are coming from. After two people separate, there are going to be lingering feelings from both of them. So he may not be fully ready to cut the cord completely with you. BUT...he is going to start dating. He may just be dating casually at first or it might be serious with someone. How will you feel when you see or hear that he is dating someone? How will you feel when you reach out to him and he does block you (thus effectively ending chances to reconcile)? I am going to guess, if you're anything like me, that it will be very hard for you and may set you back a lot.

I tried to stay friends with someone for a long time after we broke up. We stayed in each other's lives and I was never able to move on. When I found out that he is seeing someone -- even though I suspect that it is casual-- it tore me apart. And worse, I felt like a fool for still holding out hope for us when he was dating someone new.

I totally understand wanting to hold on, but I think letting go might be best for now. You never know what might happen. You guys might grow apart and be back in each others lives. Or you might meet someone else and wonder why you wanted him back.

[d0nnivain]

He's not blocking you because he doesn't need to. He has enough self control to ignore you. He may enjoy the ego stroke you provide by chasing him. You already know he won't change his mind so what difference do clicking a block box make?

 

This break up make up cycle you have is dysfunctional & shows that neither of you have good conflict resolution skills.

 

Perhaps let this break up be final. There is not a healthy relationship to restore.

[732]

I should make clear: I am not texting my ex non stop and not trying to move forward for my own health. The reality is I have dated around a lot and I know the amount of outside factors that contributed to this breakup.

 

This was his first major relationship. We were together 2 years. Our huge stresses were outside of each other but we kept holding on because we wanted it to work. Those outside stresses have recently slowly been resolved, as least on my part.

 

I do believe we need considerable space and time away.

 

He didn’t have to take my calls yesterday or even text me back, but he did. Like his personality is one of being super stern and stubborn about decisions no matter what, and I get that it couldn’t go on being the same relationship it was.

 

I am focusing on getting myself healthy and improving my situation but he’s never been a manipulative person, I just think he’s fed up and only time will tell.

 

Do you think there is any part of him fronting / being understandably stubborn in his decision and saying he is going to do all this stuff- but not wanting to fully completely rule me out as a option in the future if it’s clear we wouldn’t repeat the same toxic behaviors?

[732]

I feel for you and I totally understand where you are coming from. After two people separate, there are going to be lingering feelings from both of them. So he may not be fully ready to cut the cord completely with you. BUT...he is going to start dating. He may just be dating casually at first or it might be serious with someone. How will you feel when you see or hear that he is dating someone? How will you feel when you reach out to him and he does block you (thus effectively ending chances to reconcile)? I am going to guess, if you're anything like me, that it will be very hard for you and may set you back a lot.

I tried to stay friends with someone for a long time after we broke up. We stayed in each other's lives and I was never able to move on. When I found out that he is seeing someone -- even though I suspect that it is casual-- it tore me apart. And worse, I felt like a fool for still holding out hope for us when he was dating someone new.

I totally understand wanting to hold on, but I think letting go might be best for now. You never know what might happen. You guys might grow apart and be back in each others lives. Or you might meet someone else and wonder why you wanted him back.

If I can be honest, a part of me would need that to finally put this all to rest.

 

If he dated someone, it got serious and he finally blocked me for good? It is what I am preparing myself for. I’m not oblivious to the fact this could happen.

 

Thank you nolanola for a objective response. I just know that he is not manipulative and had every right to not want to continue a toxic loop. My hope is that time and space will help him realize what made us hold on for 2 years, the good and similar values.

[nolanola]

"My hope is that time and space will help him realize what made us hold on for 2 years, the good and similar values"

 

Totally get this, I think the same things about my situation. But you know what that takes? TIME

Not a week, not a month, maybe not even a year. People do not change that quickly. This is the part that sucks, because you can't force it. You can't make time go faster. You just have to let it pass.

 

I also totally agree with d0nnivain. You are giving him all the power. He knows he can reach out to you anytime. I don't think he's trying to be a jerk, but he has nothing to lose here. He's mentally ready to date and has you as a back up. This is NOT good enough for you!! Hell no!

I try to remind myself of this when I feel weak. He will never change his actions toward you if you make it so easy not to.

 

I'm hurting a lot from the loss of my friend and the person I thought l loved. I thought he was the most wonderful person. It sucks so much. Sometimes you just have to accept that it is going to suck for a while, maybe a long time.

 

One thing my therapist said to me that was super helpful was that part of the reason I was feeling so awful was that I had finally set a boundary with this person. I've been letting him walk all over me for the past 2 years. This has taught him that he has me right where he wants me and never has to up his game. So when I finally stood up for myself, he didn't like it and that makes me so uncomfortable. But it doesn't make it wrong.

 

I'm rambling, but all this to say you are coping just fine. But you can be stronger. Set a boundary for yourself. It is going to feel awful but I think in a few years you will look back and say "thank goodness I did that".

[ExpatInItaly]

You're assigning far too much importance to being blocked.

 

He doesn't need to block you in order for him (or you) to move on. Viewing that as your final signal that it's over is a flawed idea, because the relationship has already come to an end. This is you grasping at straws that not being blocked maybe means things aren't finished. But girl, they're already done.

 

If you were breaking up and making up repeatedly, you were not in a good relationship. It doesn't matter if there were external influences or not. A couple on solid ground isn't on-off like that. Thus, being blocked (or not) isn't really relevant.