Partner doesn't seem happy with the real me

[Inlovenotinlove]

Now I'll start by saying she tells me she loves me all the time & i can be insecure at times i feel. But, lately ive been considering ending it with my partner as im starting to feel like im just not good enough.

 

Its bugging me that i feel this way when shes recently asked me to live with her so i know she is into me/loves me but the comments she makes annoy the hell out of me.

 

Firstly its the passing comments, we will be out shopping and she will tell me to try certain clothes on that she knows isnt my style and i dont feel comfortable in them, i tell her they dont suit me and i like how i dress and she replies 'please try it on ill find you sexy', so i do, then its the shoes, then its 'have you evee tried this hairstyle id find it sexy', i jokingly brought it up to her sister and she replied 'you cant do that youre trying to change him'. Now im not bragging but i also know im good looking, yet... she never once pays me a complimemt about my looks. Ill tell her all the time shes beautiful, i find her sexy, i love her body etc etc. Shes never said it to me, once I even mentioned 'nobody wants a guy with a six pack any Way its not comfy' she replied 'id not mind if you had a six pack'. Now im not fat by any means and always play football but again that got to me that she didnt just say i looked good.

 

Then secondly comes the photos, shes travelled a lot and met men everywhere she goes (mostly friends not sex related), now if they come to visit her she will take photo after photo with them, yet when we go anywhere she doesnt like photos. We had our 1st bonfire day out this year i said 'we havent got a photo' so she replied 'i can keep the memory in my head'. Again it really got to me that i like documenting and looking back, i like photos to remember the times we had together but for her it doesnt seem to matter. There is also nothing about me on Facebook as she doesnt really use it, but she has uploaded photos with her friends to it since weve been together.

 

Lastly was i wanted to take her to my favourite restaurant, she replied 'it sounds like my idea of hell'.

 

 

Ive never confronted her about these things but im slowly reaching a point where i actually for the 1st time ever in my dating life, dont feel good enough. Its bugging me that this girl wants to live with me, says she loves me yet these little lines are eating away at my confidence. Am i over reacting? As i feel like if id said these things to her she'd of felt the same way i do.

Edited November 24, 2018 by Inlovenotinlove

[GTR King]

You need to sit down with her and have a chat..

 

Tell her how you feel, If she likes you she will understand

[Jamess1]

You know the answer - the message is clear - you are a placeholder, you are not what she genuinely wants - you are what she can get until something better comes along - her behavior and passing comments are more honest than her 'saying the right thing:I love you'

 

She is advertising and looking for an alpha while she uses you as a placeholder - she could be cheating on you already with those men she takes pictures with, while you persuade yourself they're just friends...

 

I can't tell you how many times I have cheated with a girl whose boyfriend blindly believes we are just friends..in fact alpha men like me can tell the signs of a woman who is with a beta and looking for some attention from an alpha men..even if she is a married woman.

 

Never stay with a woman who isn't into you - almost all the problems men experience with women can be solved if they go for and stay with women who are into them and immediately leave when the interest fades - dump her and get another one.

[darkmoon]

control freak just starting to peek out from behind her facade

 

 

this will get worse

[Inlovenotinlove]

Sorry i will add she doesnt meet these guys now but it seems convinient timing that she doesnt use facebook the moment we got together so thats the reason she wont upload anything of us. I dont get this no photos thing either. Ive bought it up a few times and now she'll say 'do you want a photo' when we are out somewhere. I just feel like saying 'no seen as you didnt say you WANT a photo you asked if i do'. Feels a bit patronising

[Kelliousme]

You need to talk to her about this if it makes you unhappy. Draw the line.

 

Based on what you just said, yes you are correct that she doesn't seem to love YOU. It actually sounds like she's trying to turn you into someone she's into or someone she had loved (like an ex).

 

However, there is a slight chance that she just really prefers her man to look a certain way and knows you look good so she wants to dress you up in a way that's attractive to her. I believe men do the same as well. My man wants a dress on me even though he knows I hate dresses. But just to satisfy him, I do put on a dress from time to time

[d0nnivain]

I don't think this has to do with you not being good enough. It has to do with her being kinda nasty & controlling.

 

Women change men. We do. When I met DH the man lived in polyester & cheap shoes. I gradually introduced him to finer fabrics. I created a cashmere loving monster who spends a fortune on expensive shoes. lol So I would say power down about her clothes suggestions & keep trying on the stuff she suggests. I am not saying you have to buy it but be open to suggestions. The clothes business is minimal & inconsequential.

 

I am concerned that she doesn't take pictures with you, especially since she takes them with everybody else. You need to quietly & calmly discuss with her that her refusal makes you feel bad. Perhaps she will see the error of her ways & change.

 

Her word choice about going to your favorite restaurant sounding like "her idea of hell" has me concerned. Her word choice was horrible. However, if you live together how come this never came up before? I suspect you moved in too fast. One would think that you would have taken her to your favorite place long before now. Granted if for example you know she's vegan & your trying to take her to this great steakhouse, what did you expect? Can you put a bit more context around this, like explain her objection.

 

All in all there seems to be a lot of disconnect but you didn't cause it. She's just rude.

 

A good solid healthy relationship brings joy to your life. When it brings stress & strife, if it's not a relatively easy fix, seriously consider ending it. Going deeper will make you feel worse not better.

[central]

It's time to dump her and find someone who appreciates you for who you are. You will never meet this woman's standards, even if you do everything she asks.

[GinON]

It sounds like she might be someone that needs a partner and has expectations that are somewhat unrealistic. It sounds like she is trying to realize a fantasy and any clay person will do as long as she can form them to be what she wants. We all do this to some extent but a person that is very anxious about filling those needs could just be stuck loving the ideas in the fantasies and not so much the person they ran into.

 

You might try filling just a few of hers requests and play along...You hair will grow back, you can keep your normal clothes in a big ziploc or something. See how far she takes it and make sure you aren't hiding behind your own self esteem issues (dressing badly to avoid compliments, etc.) Allow yourself a little change and be open to liking it. After a little of this, see if she keeps going without making you feel better in the relationship. If that happens then you know, she is probably just trying to recreate some fantasy and you'll never be perfect enough for that.

 

If things are all of a sudden better and you feel great about how you look then why not?

[Gretchen12]

Sorry i will add she doesnt meet these guys now but it seems convinient timing that she doesnt use facebook the moment we got together so thats the reason she wont upload anything of us. I dont get this no photos thing either. Ive bought it up a few times and now she'll say 'do you want a photo' when we are out somewhere. I just feel like saying 'no seen as you didnt say you WANT a photo you asked if i do'. Feels a bit patronising

 

Ok this bit is showing you as being difficult. You talked and she is doing what you want but it's still not good enough.

 

You should look at your own history and address each of these issues separately.

 

- wanting her to compliment you. It's easy to get someone to start complimenting you, but does that really change how you feel about yourself? I find that people who really need it can never get enough. The void was left in childhood. How about you? What's your history in past relationships?

 

- she wants to give you a makeover. You're not a doll or teddy bear or pet poodle. Some men put up with it or stand their ground. The difference is that a lot of men just find the woman annoying, WITHOUT making the conclusion that she's doing it because he's not good enough. You are the one too critical of yourself.

 

- she said things that insulted your opinion. This is at worst disrespect and at best incompatibility. This one is bad. Either way you did not stand up for yourself. How do you behave in other situations? Often at work we are forced to stand up to people. She is rough and you are delicate. Not a match. Or she's just a brute but here again think about whether this is a pattern in your dating history.

 

You will break up every time it doesn't feel good. Question is have you felt good about yourself with other women in a long term relationship (past the honeymoon period)? If so, you know what suits you.

[Inlovenotinlove]

I know i should stand up for myself more but i hate the entire thing about 'become an alpha' yeah woman seem to like it but im genuinely just the nice guy, i hate conflict so bottle up a problem rather than tell her its bugged me. Ill have a talk with her and see what happens. In past relationships i have felt good enough but feel that was because she was very clingy and affectionate. When someone isnt i guess its more my issue that i question it.

Edited November 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncated quoted material

[d0nnivain]

You mistakenly think clingy equals caring. It really means the person is insecure. You feel more comfortable because you feel like you have the upper hand. When you are required to be more confident, you feel less so.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I have never personally had much luck with relationships but one thing I have learnt. You have to be with someone that is intentionally and really into you ( for the right reasons). My ex wanted to change my style, change my mannarisims, get me on a moutian bike ( even if I'm not a mountain biker) and stop me from swearing or telling jokes he didn't find funny. The outcome: if you do end up changing for someone, who you are really will get lost somewhere and will take months after a breakup, to reclaim him or her ( you). Or once you do make the changes, your partner will expect you to make more changes until your confidence is completely depleted. People who expect a partner to change for THEM are selfish and controlling. I walked away from a controlling partner. What choice I wonder will YOU make?

[elaine567]

I would forget about the whole dressing up thing, many women love makeovers and making you over is just an extension of that.

She is not wishing you were someone else she is just dressing you in a way she likes or she thinks suits you. Many women think they are experts in shopping and buying clothes...

It is no big deal.

 

FB - some people will post anything trivial on FB but do not want to post about their real life. Yes she may be hiding you away as she is not proud or you or she is hiding you away because she is very serious about you.

If she is not a big user of FB, it may indeed be the latter.

Also many get burned by posting TMI on FB, so they learn to keep it minimal.

 

Restaurant - so she is not allowed to have an opinion?

[smackie9]

She's ashamed of you.....dump her.

 

 

I disagree this is her just pickin out clothes she thinks would look good on you....it's making you uncomfortable because she's forcing you to look totally different, and doesn't like being in photos with you...that's cold man, real cold.

[amaysngrace]

She’s setting the tone for it to be her way every single time by saying your tastes and preferences don’t matter. I’d be willing to bet that if you did approach her with how you feel about a couple things you mentioned here she’d tell you it was your fault for feeling that way on every single one with no compromise or empathy.

 

If she knocks you down often enough she’ll have you exactly where she wants you to be, and that dynamic will remain throughout the duration of your entire relationship.

 

Stay true to you because, to phrase her, living with a partner who devalues another in hopes to raise their own self-worth sounds like my idea of hell.

[d0nnivain]

If it was JUST picking out clothes she thought you would like it would be OK.

 

In a relationship I think people need to be flexible. One of my EXs was a fisherman. I hate fish. But I'd go fishing with him. Sitting out there reading a book was fine. He was happy for the quiet company. I didn't actually have to fish.

 

So if your SO has something they love, you go occasionally, you try. I love college football, my husband could care less. But he goes to alumni watch parties with me & once or twice a season he'll suck it up & go to a game with me.

 

If you love the other person you make an effort. It's not about changing yourself. You really don't have to lose yourself but if your SO thinks something is fun, you go along once in a while.

 

When it's only about things you have to do to change then it's a problem.

[preraph]

She doesn't like the way you're dressing and grooming. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you as a person. Would it KILL you to sometimes dress how she thinks is appropriate and get a change in your hair? It is usually the case that women improve a man's style. I think you're set in your ways and probably very clueless about style and need to be updated. If you don't like what she picks out, then by all means take yourself and her to the men's department of a big department store, ask for a seasoned clerk to "update my look" and buy one casual and one dressy outfit. And then go to the barber, a different one, at a salon of her choosing and get a better haircut. It will benefit not only your relationship but your business image as well.

 

What happens is women get with men when they're young and sloppy because they're just young and expect them to get more sophisticated and not dress like an adolescent the rest of their lives. But it makes men feel young to keep dressing as if they still are -- which makes them look silly.

[basil67]

I know i should stand up for myself more but i hate the entire thing about 'become an alpha' yeah woman seem to like it but im genuinely just the nice guy, i hate conflict so bottle up a problem rather than tell her its bugged me. Ill have a talk with her and see what happens. In past relationships i have felt good enough but feel that was because she was very clingy and affectionate. When someone isnt i guess its more my issue that i question it.

 

A guy doesn't need to be an alpha to assert himself. And nice guys can and do assert themselves. So your problem isn't that you're a nice guy, it's that you're conflict avoidant.

 

With the clothes thing, I think she just feels you can look even better. My guess is that she also likes shopping for clothes and just wants to make you part of it.

 

I don't know what's going on with the photos, but she *is* asking if you want a photo. And where's your assertiveness in saying "hey, let's take a photo!" Honestly, if I relied on my partner to take photos of us, there'd be very few ever taken. You need to be proactive about what you want.

 

That said, if you do initiate photos and she refuses to be tagged in them on FB, THEN you've got a problem.

[frankspeci]

I say talking to her about this is appropriate. If it was just one thing bothering you then maybe you could simply change your behavior to fix things. But since its many issues, you should probably sit down and discuss.

 

Going straight for a breakup doesn't give you a chance to hear her response, since you've never brought this stuff up before. I'd say hear her out, see if shes willing to be more mindful and considerate. If not, then its probably time to move on.

[Gretchen12]

I know i should stand up for myself more but i hate the entire thing about 'become an alpha' yeah woman seem to like it but im genuinely just the nice guy, i hate conflict so bottle up a problem rather than tell her its bugged me. Ill have a talk with her and see what happens. In past relationships i have felt good enough but feel that was because she was very clingy and affectionate. When someone isnt i guess its more my issue that i question it.

 

I think we can sum it up by saying you need more validation from your partner. But you don't communicate your feelings well. Bottling up is not good in any relationship. I don't think coming to this forum you intended to demonize your partner and discard her as if she's yesterday's leftovers. You definitely don't need more negative thoughts. I hear you do want to work it out, and if she loves you she will work with you.

[DyannB]

I know i should stand up for myself more but i hate the entire thing about 'become an alpha' yeah woman seem to like it but im genuinely just the nice guy, i hate conflict so bottle up a problem rather than tell her its bugged me. Ill have a talk with her and see what happens. In past relationships i have felt good enough but feel that was because she was very clingy and affectionate. When someone isnt i guess its more my issue that i question it.

 

Well.... women don't like "alphas" as much as you think. We don't want to steamroll a guy either. This sounds like an opportunity for growth. I would suggest sitting down and asking her directly about all the small incidents you've mentioned here in this thread. Why wouldn't she take pics with you when she does with others? Why would going to your favorite restaurant be "hell'? Why doesn't she actually tell you that she finds you physically attractive?

 

As you've mentioned... this all seems odd even though she may be telling you she loves you. Something is not right. Whatever her answers it will be information for you either way. Just don't take anything personally and be ready to high tail it out of that relationship if need be. You shouldn't feel this insecure in a "loving" relationship... Good luck.

[damni]

With the clothes I think that is pretty normal thing for a woman to do.

 

With my boyfriend, I HATED his pants. He always wore the same baggy green pair, after 5 months I started encouraging him to buy new ones and he now wears nice jeans

 

You say you hate confrontation, yet you are happy to come to an online forum and moan about your girlfriend? if you cannot tell her how she is making you feel, how are things meant to change?

[greymatter]

Words of love aside, does she act like she desires you? If the physical part of the relationship is healthy, maybe it's okay that she is making suggestions although I wouldn't do that to a guy myself, in general, and definitely wouldn't ask my partner to change how he dresses or his hair. I like and accept my partner just the way he is.

 

It sounds to me, if you are thinking of breaking it off, like you feel disrespected or not accepted. That is important to pay attention to and shouldn't be ignored.

[smackie9]

People it's not just about the clothes, he has also pointed out she has np posting photos of her orbiters on her social media but none of him with her, and she blew him off when he wanted to take a selfie together at a damn bonfire...now that says something about how she actually feels about him. He did COMMUNICATE to her by asking why, and she gave some lame ass excuse about she didn't need to, she can hold it in her memory...like that is so not right. This isn't on him about his "lack of communicating" to her....she has an excuse for everything. That's why he's has enough.