No Romantic Connection

[StickyBlue]

Hey everyone, followed the forums for a while but thought I'd sign up and share my experience..

 

So I began dating this girl around 2 months ago, we hit it off really well from the off. We were having a lot of fun and she was a great person to be around.

 

Now I'll admit (predominantly because I run my own business, I am legitimately busy) that she initiated the contact most days, through text or calls etc. However, I always reciprocated when I could and we'd speak a lot.

 

Then we stepped it up, at what I'd say was a reasonable level, third date she stayed at mine and the same again on the fourth where we slept together. She was jokingly initiating relationship talk and I was teasing her (but deep in my mind I could see myself with this girl, but I didn't want to look like I was trying to move too fast).

 

We spent the day together after and we arranged to meet later in the week and go out with her friends (they'd all followed me on social media beforehand, didn't bother me but thought it was a little strange, I just took it as her friends probably being drunk when they were out with her).

 

Mid week before we were due to meet up again I got a text out of the blue, saying she was freaking out, that after coming out of a long term relationship 3 months before she didn't know what I want and it was moving too fast. Said she'd never thought she'd meet such a great guy so soon.

 

I was shocked to say the least!

 

Anyway, I didn't push too much but tried to understand how she was feeling more, in the end she said she didn't feel any romantic connection.

 

I was surprised at that comment as we were intimate with each other.

 

I do think that I held back saying a lot of what I really wanted to say to her, in terms of how I felt about her, what I liked about her (this is mainly due to me having a bad experience when young, which was my fault where I pushed someone away by being way too full on and regretted it for a long time, hence trying to take this more slow).

 

I've accepted now that I can't pursue her and have to respect her feelings, which sucks, but could the key here be that I was to worried to actually tell her how I felt and let her in on my emotions a bit?

 

I'm just looking for some advice, as I feel like I've lost out big time on this girl and it's past the point of no return, so I want to ensure I don't feel like this and experience it again - sucks!

 

Any advice would be welcome!

[lovesiick]

If I were the girl in this situation and say that I was as interested in you as you were with me, then I wouldn’t have minded to hear how you truly felt. Of course it all just depends on the person and how they’d react but since I’m into you, it’d only reassure me that I’m not wasting my time.

 

It sounds premature and out of the blue that she wasn’t interested in you all of a sudden but it could have been that she was also casually seeing other people and testing the waters out with someone else. Next time do let her know what exactly is on your mind and how you’re feeling, if she likes you she’ll definitely listen to what you’d have to say. I have a similar fear of opening up too much in fear that I’ll scare people off when I’m first seeing them but I’ve learned how to open up more and while it’s still a learning progress, I’ve come to realize how important it is that the other party know how I feel about them and where I see things going with them.

Edited November 24, 2018 by lovesiick

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, I think your silence about your feelings absolutely figured into her freakout. How could it not?

 

She's feeling close to you ... but you offered little in the way of reassurance. Nothing about what you think of the relationship, of her, how great a time you're having and so on ... How can she know you even like her?

 

Now, she might well have freaked out even if you had revealed more of your feelings for her. But your reluctance probably guaranteed she was gonna freak out.

 

If you don't share what you're feeling, the other person is quite smart to pull away. In fact, a lot of the best wisdom from this board basically says if the other person isn't saying they're into you ... and making themselves easily available to meet up ... then they aren't interested in you.

 

So your reluctance to share basically means you come off as someone very disinterested in her. Tip: reveal gradually ... You share gradually and with increasing power. Simple phrases like "I like you a lot." or "I'm having a really good time tonight." or "I was thinking about you today and something funny you said."

 

So no need go go from 0 (where you apparently were with this woman) to 60 (where you were with with the heartbreak example) ... You share at 10mph ... and 20 ... and increasing levels based on becoming increasingly close.

 

Bottom line: develop a middle game of sharing.

[StickyBlue]

Thanks, I appreciate the replies.

 

I do struggle to find a balance and I completely understand (if it’s the reason why) as to why she would call it off if she feels I’m not into her. Hell, I guess it could have even looked like I was using it as a casual hook up after sleeping with her.. should have really let on around that time.

 

Again, it’s one of my flaws that I need to find how to move up the gears slowly and I don’t go from 0-100.

 

I’ll learn from the experience.

 

In the back of my mind, I think she may also have been in contact with her ex and could well end up back with him, then again maybe I’m looking at excuses.

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't dismiss that intuition about her contacting her ex ... That could be true as well ... So yes, you wanna learn to gradually open up ... and share ... but also pay attention to those nibbles of intuition. You may not be "making an excuse."

 

Life is full of times when two contradictory things are true at once.

[StickyBlue]

Yeah, understand what you are saying.

 

Much easier to digest everything a week or so after it's happened, initially it was difficult because as I said, completely out of the blue.

 

Wouldn't rule either scenario out, but in reality I don't think I'll ever really find out the truth