I messed up big time

[DLB91]

So I was seeing a girl for a few months who lived in another state. I'm 27 she is 25. I would fly over and go to concerts with her and stay at her place. I did my best to try and be her boyfriend but we never had the talk. I was sure about my feelings but not hers. We said we cared about each other a lot that was all.

 

She became withdrawn and I didn't see her for four months until I moved to her state.

After two months of living closer to her she finally wanted to see me.

We hung out a few times platonically and the tension was building.

She asked if I was going to a party and said she would go if go. Then she said she might stay at my place.

 

I was so anxious about her staying but I really wanted her to. Of course I said yes.

So we go to this party and it's pretty chill.

We don't stay too long she said let's get an uber.

We get some food and head back to my place.

Now this is where I don't know what happened.

 

We start talking in bed and I got really emotional and vulnerable. I was pretty drunk. I was talking a lot more than she was. I was telling her how much she meant to me. We started kissing and end up having dry sex.

 

Then she immediately rolled over like she was going to sleep. Now I tried to do the same but of course I want to cuddle her. I got so carried away I must have been really worked up. I was trying to touch her breasts and I put my hands down my track pants she was wearing to touch her thigh. I remember her saying don't and I stopped and just tried to cuddle her and kept getting carried away again. I got out of bed like three times to try to tire myself out I knew I wasn't behaving.

 

So next morning I ask if she slept well she said yes but you didn't. I apologise for getting carried away.

I take her home we hang out all day like normal.

Later that night when I'm back at home she sends me a video about consent.

 

I apologise again. Then she sends me a message saying I don't want to hurt your feelings but I don't think we can be more than friends again. I apologise and then she says I'm upset with the way you treated me last night that's not right. I didn't think it would affect me like this but I feel sick about it and can't stop thinking about it.

 

Now we have slept together so many times. Had sex a lot of times. I can't believe she is reacting this way. She says I need some space and will talk to you when i'm ready. It's nearly been two months. I asked her if she was ready and she said no. I sent her a message to give myself closure if she didn't reply but she did. So I feel she does want to talk but I also feel like this relationship is over and she is phasing me out. I don't know what to I love this girl so much. I moved state for my own reasons and hoped we would start seeing each other again. I went through a lot to get to that point with her and now the rejection has made me obsessed.

 

I can't solve this problem and it's all I can think about. She clearly doesn't feel the same way I do. I don't know if she stayed that night because she wanted to or if she has been leading me on this whole time. It feels like she is playing the victim so she doesn't have to feel guilty. To be honest her behaviour is a bit narcissistic looking back. I feel manipulated and emotionally abused. I know that my behaviour that night was wrong.

 

I feel like i opened to her too much and that's what really scared her off. Should I keep persisting that we talk because I don't think she is ever really going to talk to me again. I can't move on if I'm in limbo and I can't invest anymore time if she doesn't want to be intimate again.

 

My mental health is really suffering. I'm on meds for the first time in my life and seeing a therapist.

Edited November 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Garcon1986]

Well done for seeing a therapist, this woman sounds like she was very valuable to you. I don't know exactly why she would have been fine with sex before and then not fine with it during the time you described - it likely has to do with her feeling uncomfortable with you being drunk and needy at the time. This relationship is done - I would do my utmost to do happy things and heal from it; she's most likely not coming back into your life. Talk to us and take home these lessons -

 

1. Trust what a woman does, not necessarily what she says.

2. A woman's emotions can be very fickle and based on what feels right. Men on the other hand try to derive logical conclusions. It's just the way most women are brought up. Most women if asked about this directly, will mention something along the lines of they can't help it.

3. Never be drunk and needy around a woman again. It's unattractive.

 

4. Don't make such a big commitment like moving to another state, unless you are certain this relationship is a winner.

[d0nnivain]

That's really screwed up on her part. Talk about mixed messages.

 

Let me get this straight. A woman you have previously had consensual penetrative presumably naked sex with, voluntarily gets in your bed. You two engage in some fully clothed frottage. You reach into her clothes. She says stop so you do. The next morning she complains that you violated her. What?!

 

If you had not taken no for an answer she would have a point. But since you stopped she is off base with her complaints.

 

I would stay away from this chick. She sounds like she either lost feelings (or never had them & your drunken ramblings scared her) or she's setting you up for something. Either way -- run!

[DLB91]

Thankyou. I didn't move here for her but yes she was important to me. We are good friends and have a great connection. My mind won't let me let go. How can I achieve a sense of closure without sending her another message

[d0nnivain]

T. How can I achieve a sense of closure without sending her another message

 

Closure comes from within, not the other person. Re-read her last message. That's all the closure you will ever get.

 

Sometimes closure comes years down the road. I lived with a guy for almost 10 years. We broke up in major part because he didn't believe in marriage. Years later as I was going through wedding preparations with my now husband, even though we had few problems, I realized the few hiccups we did have would have insurmountable obstacles with my EX. That was my true closure -- clearly seeing how much better things were with DH

[DLB91]

Yeah that's right. I wasn't trying to force her to do anything I just wanted to touch her and cuddle honestly.

[DLB91]

I would like to gain more insight on what she must be thinking and feeling after this experience. She says she knows me and loves me and that it wasn't me.

[Garcon1986]

She was likely thinking what happened to my old DLB91? She saw the drunk and needy DLB91 that night and got uncomfortable.

[DLB91]

I feel like our connection is strong enough to move past it but I don't see her jumping back into bed with me anytime soon. I don't think I can maintain a friendship with her without a physical aspect I'm not sure if that's healthy for me.

[Garcon1986]

Well it's always her choice to not get back into bed with you mate, that's a fact of dating.

[Garcon1986]

Longing to get back with a woman who has strong hesitations is not emotionally healthy old chap.

[d0nnivain]

I feel like our connection is strong enough to move past it but I don't see her jumping back into bed with me anytime soon. I don't think I can maintain a friendship with her without a physical aspect I'm not sure if that's healthy for me.

 

She doesn't agree that your connection is that strong.

 

If you want more then friendship, don't settle for less. She said no so that's it. Move on.

[DLB91]

Should I message her and tell her why I behaved that way?

[d0nnivain]

Should I message her and tell her why I behaved that way?

 

If you want her to run farther away from you sure go ahead & send her some message she doesn't want to read.

 

 

The working hypothesis here is that she can't handle you being vulnerable so for you to act even more like a lovesick doormat will make things worse, not better.

[Garcon1986]

There is never a good excuse for being drunk and needy in front of a woman you are dating. You can be weak in front of your wife occasionally when you need to draw on her strength, but it's unacceptable as a dating partner.

[d0nnivain]

There is never a good excuse for being drunk and needy in front of a woman you are dating. You can be weak in front of your wife occasionally when you need to draw on her strength, but it's unacceptable as a dating partner.

 

There are times when it's OK. As a woman I have given dating partners a pass following a death or a job loss, even a disappointing sports loss when I was in school (but only if the man in Q was on the team).

[DLB91]

Long story short.

Was seeing a girl I'd know nearly two years for a few months. We are good friends.

Everything was great but there was distance.

Didn't see her for four months.

I Moved to her state for my own reasons.

We start hanging out again and she wants to stay the night.

I get drunk. I open up to her. We have pillow talk. I tell her I love her and she says it back.

End up having dry sex.

She goes to sleep. I get carried away cuddling her and touching her body. Maybe went a bit far not being able to sleep.

Next day everything is fine. I take her home we hang out.

Later that night she sends me a video about consent. Then later she texts saying. I don't want to hurt your feelings but I don't think we can be more than friends again.

I replied saying I would say the same thing if someone told me they were in love with me and I wasn't sure about them.

She replies saying I'm upset with the way you treated me last night. That's not right. I didn't think it would affect me like this but I feel sick about it and can't stop thinking about it.

I write the best apology I can.

She thanks me for understanding and says I know you and I love you that wasn't you.

She said she needs space and will talk to me when she's ready.

It's been almost two months and she says she still isn't ready to talk. She said if you can't give me time I guess we aren't meant to be friends.

I can't figure out if it's because I opened up to her and was drunk and needy. Or if she genuinely feels sick about it. If she really cared wouldn't she talk to me about it? She said I don't think you understand and I don't think you get why it's a big deal.

We have slept together consentually many times and I honestly don't think it's affected her at all.

She has me in check mate. I want to let go but i

don't want to give up.

All responses appreciated. Cheers.

[PegNosePete]

She goes to sleep. I get carried away cuddling her and touching her body. Maybe went a bit far not being able to sleep.

I think the answer very much depends on what "a bit far" means here?

 

She obviously thinks you acted inappropriately. And you think you did nothing wrong. Did you watch the video on consent she sent? Did it apply to this situation?

 

Either way it seems she is done with you.

[Simple Logic]

Without both sides of this story it seems important facts are missing.