Why are older (single) men taboo?

[stillafool]

 

As far as discrimination against older men what I mean is that for them to have a much younger partner seems to be more despised than a woman having a much younger partner. He’s a dirty old man. She’s a cougar.

 

I've noticed this to and I've always wondered why this is viewed that way.

[stillafool]

I guess what’s surprised and bothered me is that older man/younger woman relationships seem to be so vehemently condemned socially. Generally these days liberal people tend to judge others as individuals and not condemn large groups as all having certain issues. Like saying all blacks are stupid or all Jews are cheap. It’s called “bigotry”. However when it comes to middle aged men who are attracted to young women (by the way all men are attracted to young women; unless they are gay in which case they are attracted to young men) many people have no problem with hurtling insults and negative stereotypes.

 

 

I don't know where you live but I don't find this to be true anymore. Older men have been dating and marrying younger women for centuries. It isn't anything new. I know several older men who are dating women 20 or more younger than themselves and no one gives a damn. Maybe your family has a problem with it because they want better for you but I can assure you no one else is going to care.

[FMW]

I've noticed this to and I've always wondered why this is viewed that way.

 

The "cougars" are often looked down upon though. They are easy marks for young guys to have sex with someone who has plenty of experience to know how to please them and to have someone who has the means to pay their own way and likely pay for the guy as well (dinner, drinks, etc.).

 

I don't think cougars are respected, but rather the butt of jokes. Women who are desperately holding on to the illusion of youth.

[Garcon1986]

So Hannah since you are so interested in the mature gentlemen, have you got that older chap on a date yet?

[stillafool]

The "cougars" are often looked down upon though. They are easy marks for young guys to have sex with someone who has plenty of experience to know how to please them and to have someone who has the means to pay their own way and likely pay for the guy as well (dinner, drinks, etc.).

 

I don't think cougars are respected, but rather the butt of jokes. Women who are desperately holding on to the illusion of youth.

 

And men who chase women young enough to be their daughters are not? That is funny.

[alphamale]

I’ve had a crush a couple of times on older men; I mean 20 to 30 years older. They were married so I didn’t do anything about it. However when I told friends and family about my feelings they were really negative.

 

Why?

 

It seems like today everything imaginable is OK. We don’t dare judge anyone’s sexual preferences so long as it involves consenting adults.

 

Except this.

 

So here’s what I have been told.

 

It’s creepy.

What does that even mean?

 

Old men are ugly.

95% true but there are some exceptions. Take George Clooney.

 

People will think you are crazy.

I prefer to do what’s right for me not what people think is right for me.

 

He’ll treat you badly.

Millions of women are in abusive relationships with men their own age. Have you got any proof the odds are worse in age gap relationships?

 

He’ll be dead in twenty years.

If I hook up with a guy my own age how much chance is there that we’ll still be together in 20 years?

 

So what exactly is the problem?

 

To me this sounds a lot like the attitude people had 60 years ago about white women dating black men. “Are you crazy? You just can’t do that.”

 

do whatever you want

[LuckyM]

If your photo here is actually you

then you'll have no problems attracting a man.

 

 

People have a negative attitude toward men 20-40 years older who hang out with girls your age. Especially married. People figure that it will not last anyway. A fling, that's all.

[Poutrew]

Hi-

 

I have some opinions on this topic, especially because I happen to be an 'older' man.... no doubt you are a nice, personable young lady, but I probably would not be dating you. I am also not the kind of guy you would probably be interested in as well. I do not look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, even on his bad day. You want a physically fit specimen that looks fit. I would counter that I have earned the right to be chubby. Most young guys are thin because they can not afford to eat steak and potatoes every day. I can, and do. The consequences of that are high cholesterol and a couch potato bod. I am fine with that, because in my time I have seen younger and healthier individuals than myself get sick and die (I've been to too many funerals). They were better looking as corpses than myself alive if you know what I mean. So from where I am standing, I would overlook you for serious relationship material because I would think your outlook on life has not yet been tempered by reality. I don't want a Cinderella living in a fantasy world... I am also more conservative by nature because I have seen enough examples of the consequences endured by the younger, more adventurous crowd, and want nothing to do with that. So a younger person would probably call me a boring 'square'. And I would tell them to come back in 10 years and we can discuss the merits of adventure and excitement Vs being boring and conservative... if they are still alive.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Hi-

 

I have some opinions on this topic, especially because I happen to be an 'older' man...

 

You raise an excellent point about relative expectations. I'd argue that this is less about the age of the girl and more about the prevailing culture of the younger generation, but that's kind of potato/poTAHto.

 

There ARE handsome/fit older men out there. Most of those are either taken already or don't ever want to be (keep themselves in shape to chase women indefinitely). The older single men who are both financially stable and interested in commitment are often not the most handsome ones.

 

So if you're after a hot silver fox who is loaded and looking to settle down... good luck.

 

Not all women are after looks, though. In fact a lot less than men, generally. I can't speak for the OP, but I'd have been happy at 18 to settle down with a bit of a couch potato if he had the stability and wanted the same kind of family, household, and relationship dynamic I did.

[hothannah]

Watch this video clip.

 

 

Now talk to any young woman who has introduced her parents to a boyfriend old enough to be her father. I think she will double over laughing (or crying) at the similarities. Then as now, sometimes there is an amicable but hesitant, reluctant acceptance. Sometimes the family cuts the child off. Then as now most women won’t even consider the “radical” idea because of the brainwashing of society or the fear of scandal.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I can attest here - my own father is a single older man (divorced). He's told me about a couple of crushes he's had on younger women in his social circle, and he so far doesn't dare to pursue any of them because of the stigma. It's very real, though perhaps it depends on where you live. One is a woman not much older than myself. We knew each other and hung out a bit as kids, actually (she would have been like 16). It's not like he's been lusting after her this whole time, but I guess she popped back into his local social network and now as a relatively young divorced mom, he finds her attractive. Lots of people would call it creepy. Those people don't know my dad.

 

There's a difference between an older man being attracted to a woman who is young, and just being a dirty old man out hunting newer and younger meat all the time. Lots of people do assume that it's always the latter when there's a substantial age difference, and sometimes only grudgingly accept that it's not once the relationship has stuck for quite some time.

 

OP, I think you should find yourself an older man, if you find them attractive. I'm sure glad I did! Just be careful. Don't trust a man just because he looks distinguished or fatherly. Do your due diligence. There are lots of little boys running around out there masquerading as mature gentlemen.

[gaius]

Because a lot of women feel that as they get older their husbands might decide to trade them in for someone younger if it wasn't a stigma. Not all women of course, but I do think it stems directly from female insecurity.

 

Women are taught that youth is everything. So it's understandable. I've seen more than one woman come on here not understanding how a younger guy could be interested in her too, because she's not young, so it takes it's toll on both kinds of age gaps.

[amaysngrace]

I’ve been attracted to a few men who are old enough to be my dad. The taboo part was they were married. I didn’t really see the age thing as an issue because they’re who I was attracted to.

 

You like who you like and society shouldn’t get to have a say about a relationship between two consenting adults. People should just mind their own business and give others the same respect that they’d want for themselves.

[hothannah]

Amen.

 

But just read the posts on this thread and then watch this. It’s strange however much things change, they ultimately stay the same. We just keep shifting our hatreds around a bit.

 

[basil67]

Amen.

 

But just read the posts on this thread and then watch this. It’s strange however much things change, they ultimately stay the same. We just keep shifting our hatreds around a bit.

 

As I said earlier, when one of our mates dated a woman 20years younger, we didn't show hate or disrespect. I mean, *hate* is a very strong word and I don't think anyone here has expressed anything remotely like hatred.

 

The bigger question is why are you spending so much time and emotion worrying about something which is unlikely to happen?

[snowboy91]

OP, I think you should find yourself an older man, if you find them attractive. I'm sure glad I did! Just be careful. Don't trust a man just because he looks distinguished or fatherly. Do your due diligence. There are lots of little boys running around out there masquerading as mature gentlemen.

 

This. Just because a guy is older doesn't necessarily mean he is going to treat you any better. It's not as if guys reach a certain age and magically start treating women perfectly. But if you find a guy who does treat you right - go for it!

 

OP - Yes there is some stigma associated with older guys dating younger women, which has shown in some of the posts here. But some concerns do have some merit - a lot of older men like to get with younger women as some kind of ego boost, or at the very least they are attracted to the looks only, as some posts have already suggested.

 

But even if we assume the guy means well, it's going to be very difficult to form a connection with a large age gap. Experiences, values, aims in life, etc are usually going to be very different so you will find it hard to relate to each other. But if, somehow, you can overcome all that and form a strong emotional connection with a large age gap, then go for it!

 

I mentioned in your other thread you should get out there and see what dating is really like for you rather than worry about what you've read - so go for it! You may find your experiences may reflect what's been discussed in this thread. Or not. That's for you to find out.

[hothannah]

The bigger question is why are you spending so much time and emotion worrying about something which is unlikely to happen?

 

Unfortunately the quality of lot of boys my age today is pretty sad. Maybe it’s because most never had a father (which is often because of the mother’s decision), maybe it’s the Internet.

 

I see a silver fox as being pretty interesting. But there is a lot of hate. If I have the guts to really do it there are going to be a lot of relatives, friends and even strangers who are going judge. There will be people I love who will not talk to me.

[Andy_K]

Compromise then... 30 years older might be frowned upon, but 10 years likely won't. Somewhere you might find enough of the advantages you're looking for without the stigma you're concerned about.

[hotpotato]

I feel like the op wants people to come in here and tell her that older men are unicorn and cuddles and fun.

 

Older men are a mixed bag like anything else.

 

They may or may not treat her well. When i was 20, I dated a man who was 16 years older than me. He was a sex addict, emotionally abusive, and threatened to punch me.

 

They will usually have some kind of baggage, like being married and divorced several times. They'll probably have kids. It can be irritating to a childless person when their date wants to constantly bring around their children. My last ex who was almost double my age insisted on bringing his adult daughter on most of our dates. He also had issues from being twice divorced.

 

If a man is 50 or more and looks good (and has money), he probably has a bevy of women. If you're 18 and you meet and older guy, you may not be as special to him as you think. No one is 18 forever.

[hotpotato]

Because a lot of women feel that as they get older their husbands might decide to trade them in for someone younger if it wasn't a stigma. Not all women of course, but I do think it stems directly from female insecurity.

 

Women are taught that youth is everything. So it's understandable. I've seen more than one woman come on here not understanding how a younger guy could be interested in her too, because she's not young, so it takes it's toll on both kinds of age gaps.

 

Agreed. I think women can sense that men prefer younger women. No matter what age a man is or what he looks like, he's still attracted to that 18 year old or twenty something.

 

Also, it's not fair to assume that a man can't love a much younger woman.

[thefooloftheyear]

Agreed. I think women can sense that men prefer younger women. No matter what age a man is or what he looks like, he's still attracted to that 18 year old or twenty something.

 

Also, it's not fair to assume that a man can't love a much younger woman.

 

 

This is really not true....Especially now...

 

Older women are looking better than their younger counterparts at a rate I haven't seen in my lifetime...I chalk it up to the fact that older women have bodies that were conditioned to move, they didn't grow up sitting in their rooms playing video games and staring at their phone......Most women under 30 or so, even if they aren't fat, have zero muscle tone, many have saggy asses and tits, small pot bellies, etc...

 

I'm not saying all now, but more than I ever remember....Back in the 80's, you could go to the beach and practically never see an woman under 30 that wasn't tight...Now? Yikes..

 

Technology is great, but not for everything...Its certainly hurt this generation in terms of body composition and fitness..

 

And I have found that many guys that look for younger do so, because they can't handle the fact that older women can see through their bullshyt...They are in many cases, predators looking for an easy mark...Not all, but a lot of them, anyway...

 

TFY

[Wallysbears]

Typically, teenagers are not attracted to men that are 30 years their senior.

 

Therefore, when late teen/early 20's women are seen with men in their late 40's or older, society often will view them as "gold diggers" who are interested in a man for his money.

[FMW]

And men who chase women young enough to be their daughters are not? That is funny.

 

You missed my meaning entirely. What I was saying is that I don't believe older women dating younger men is actually any more "acceptable" to the general public, it's just talked about differently. I think both situations are held up to ridicule.

[Timshel]

When I think about it, the number of times I've noticed an older man with a younger woman in public has been quite rare. When I have, they were doing regular coupley things like grocery shopping or out to lunch and honestly, without pda, how should I know if they are a couple or family members? I've known fathers to hold their daughter's hand in public for their own reasons, who am I to judge?

 

 

 

Many young women have had the experience of being hit on by older men, including myself but that is different than a relationship.

 

 

I suppose, hothannah, that if a man looks markedly older than a woman who is clearly a romantic partner, this would draw some attention and judgement. It's true that in the U.S. at least that people will make assumptions. So what? As you have repeatedly pointed out, there are other types of relationships that also garner negative/stereotypical prejudice.

 

Interracial relationships are not generally accepted in many regions of the U.S. There are literally a plethora of odd matches for varying reasons (obesity/thin, short/tall, ugly/beautiful..etc) that would have some people thinking it won't work.

 

 

I am in an age gap marriage and it is not yet optically apparent to strangers. No one knows unless they know us well enough to be told. I don't look older and he doesn't look younger, lol.

 

 

The bottom line is there isn't any way to know how sound a relationship is or will be until you are in it. Like any other, if there is compatibility/stability then the rest will fall in line. Otherwise, like any other relationship that won't last...it won't last. The only thing to prove is to the relationship itself, not the rest of the world.

 

 

As far as family and friends acceptance, you'll have to go through the stages like any one else. No person close to you will immediately think highly of your date until they have a chance to know them and witness well being over time. Of course they may have an additional bias at first because they 'know' the age difference.

 

If the relationship is worth your while, over time, it will be accepted by it's own merit.

 

 

Good luck

[stillafool]

Unfortunately the quality of lot of boys my age today is pretty sad. Maybe it’s because most never had a father (which is often because of the mother’s decision), maybe it’s the Internet.

 

I see a silver fox as being pretty interesting. But there is a lot of hate. If I have the guts to really do it there are going to be a lot of relatives, friends and even strangers who are going judge. There will be people I love who will not talk to me.

 

There isn't as much hate as you think, especially if they aren't your relatives. I've been socializing for years and some of the men are dating women young enough to be their daughters. Guess what? No one gives a damn. Maybe the young woman's parents care or may just think it's a phase that will pass. All I know is it doesn't affect the life of others. It would be the same response if a guy showed up with a Black girl. No big deal. This is 2018.