Is this a normal feeling to have?

[emerald86]

I met a guy a couple of months ago, and we've gone on quite a few dates by now (I want to say 7 or 8). It wasn't a situation where I felt immediate attraction the moment I met him. To be honest, I enjoyed my first date with him (we had great conversations), but I wasn't that excited to see him again. I didn't feel like there was a ton of chemistry. Yet, he kept asking to see me again, and I didn't want to say no, partly because I had a strong feeling that something could develop. I felt as if I could grow to like him.

 

And I did grow to like him. As time went on, I really began to appreciate his positive qualities, and as of very recently, I feel extremely excited after each date, and just can't wait to see him again. Even when we're not together in person, we spend a lot of time talking, and I get such warm, fuzzy feelings every time I receive a text or phone call from him. I love our conversations--everything feels so natural and comfortable. And the most wonderful thing is that he treats me so amazingly well--to the point where I can't even believe a man like him exists. My previous dating experiences haven't been so great. At the very least, this guy has become a true friend to me.

 

As much as I love spending time with him and as attractive as he is to me, I know I'm not head over heels yet. I'm not yet at the point where I have stopped noticing every other man out there. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure that I want to be completely exclusive with this guy just yet. It's something I believe I need more time to think about.

 

I've known this guy for a couple of months and I know I've been on quite a lot of dates with him--is it a bad sign that I don't know if I want to be exclusive yet? Is it something that I really should be certain of at this point? Or is it something that can take more time? I'm wondering if I just fear commitment in general.

 

In the past, I have only ever dated men that I have gotten to know over a long period of time (i.e. seeing them everyday at work or school), and my feelings have always grown over time. Which is why I have a strong feeling that my feelings for this guy can grow--and there will come a time when I truly am ready to be exclusive. I just don't know if I'm taking too much time to think about it - I've had friends who knew they wanted to get married within just a few weeks of meeting their guy. And so considering this, I wonder if it's a bad sign that I've been on 8 dates and am still not ready to commit.

Edited November 23, 2018 by emerald86

[rightondude]

Do you want this man to rip your clothes off and take you now?

 

If not, do you think you ever will?

 

If the answer to both is No, then you may want to move on.

[emerald86]

Do you want this man to rip your clothes off and take you now?

 

If not, do you think you ever will?

 

If the answer to both is No, then you may want to move on.

 

Yes...I do, haha. I suppose I'm just fearing commitment.

[rightondude]

well I think you have something to build off then. Keep it up!

[Simple Logic]

Wow after 8 dates you can’t say you are head over heals in love? Sounds normal to me.

[Lotsgoingon]

You really look forward to seeing him ... great sign. You love his company when you do see him ... great sign. You love your conversations and texting in between seeing him ... another great sign.

 

Righton asked the right question: are you turned on by him? ... Sounds like you are ... another great sign ...

 

Those people who "know" in a few dates that this person is someone they want to marry-- don't get distracted by that. If were to find half of those people say two years into marriage, they would tell you that their judgment wasn't necessarily the best when they had those initial feelings.

 

I think you need to hang with a person at least 6 months to get a clue as to what they are really about. Sure, some people get lucky and get a pretty good sense of the other person quicker than that ... but they're lucky. Basically lots of folks can perform and compromise and be energetic and at their very best for a few months ... but starting after month 6 ... that performance energy breaks down, in my view, and you really see what the person is like.

 

It's OK to keep going ... and to leave room in your brain for stopping if you ever feel this isn't a guy you're really excited about.

[emerald86]

I started dating a guy who I think is absolutely great in nearly every way. Every single time I see him and get to know him more, my feelings for him grow stronger and stronger.

 

However, there is one thing I'm slightly bothered about, and that is his lack of physical affection. During our first few dates (a few months ago), I suppose he would make very subtle physical contact, like putting his hand on my hand, but I wasn't so sure about him at that time. And so to be fair, I had very closed off body language, and did not reciprocate anything. So he didn't do any more than that. However, as time went on, I started to really like him. Most recently, we went to see a movie, and neither of us made any physical contact during the movie. I wanted to initiate something, but I was shy and hesitant, and wasn't sure how he would receive it. He never turned to face me or anything, so I almost started to assume that he wasn't interested.

 

After the movie, we went for a walk, and the whole time, he kept himself at a fair distance from me and often times, would not even look at me. I was really starting to lose hope, but then I would do things like turn my body to face him, step closer to him, and make prolonged eye contact with him...and amazingly, he reciprocated all of these. He would move closer to me, would actually look at me, and seemed more comfortable.

 

Later on, we went to get drinks. At the end of the night, I became a little tipsy and far more comfortable...and so I got much closer to him, and my body language became far more flirtatious. That's when he pulled me close to him, and kissed me. It was a wonderful moment.

 

Could all of this indicate that maybe he just wasn't comfortable all this time? Was he too shy to make physical contact? Especially since I was so closed off in the beginning? Does it seem like as time goes on, and we both become more comfortable, he'll be the physically affectionate type?

 

Other than this, he's great. He texts or calls me everyday, asks how my day is going, and conversation is so easy and natural.

Edited November 29, 2018 by emerald86

[Wallysbears]

I don’t have a lot of tolerance for “weak” or “wimpy” or indecisive men.

 

I am a bit old school. I like men that are MEN.

 

I’m also older and married and boring.

 

But girl?

 

Drop him like a rock right now.

 

He’s either a wimp or he’s not interested. Either way - do you want to deal with it?

[GinON]

I started dating a guy who I think is absolutely great in nearly every way. Every single time I see him and get to know him more, my feelings for him grow stronger and stronger.

 

However, there is one thing I'm slightly bothered about, and that is his lack of physical affection. During our first few dates (a few months ago), I suppose he would make very subtle physical contact, like putting his hand on my hand, but I wasn't so sure about him at that time. And so to be fair, I had very closed off body language, and did not reciprocate anything. So he didn't do any more than that. However, as time went on, I started to really like him. Most recently, we went to see a movie, and neither of us made any physical contact during the movie. I wanted to initiate something, but I was shy and hesitant, and wasn't sure how he would receive it. He never turned to face me or anything, so I almost started to assume that he wasn't interested.

 

After the movie, we went for a walk, and the whole time, he kept himself at a fair distance from me and often times, would not even look at me. I was really starting to lose hope, but then I would do things like turn my body to face him, step closer to him, and make prolonged eye contact with him...and amazingly, he reciprocated all of these. He would move closer to me, would actually look at me, and seemed more comfortable.

 

Later on, we went to get drinks. At the end of the night, I became a little tipsy and far more comfortable...and so I got much closer to him, and my body language became far more flirtatious. That's when he pulled me close to him, and kissed me. It was a wonderful moment.

 

Could all of this indicate that maybe he just wasn't comfortable all this time? Was he too shy to make physical contact? Especially since I was so closed off in the beginning? Does it seem like as time goes on, and we both become more comfortable, he'll be the physically affectionate type?

 

Other than this, he's great. He texts or calls me everyday, asks how my day is going, and conversation is so easy and natural.

 

I know this guy, he's me! I dont mean he is actually me, but you are describing the way I deal (hopefully dealt) with partners. I told my almost ex wife right off I was like this and later found out its called a avoidant attachment style from our MC after it was too late. His sounds pretty severe, but its a reaction to abandonment he received as an infant and its really hard to change! If you like him, just look this stuff up together and try to work through it. If that wont work for you and you need the "MAN" kind of dude that was lucky enough to have a securely attached set of parents, you'll have to move on. Do him a favor either way and introduce this issue to him so he doesnt find out 15 years in to a marriage.

[emerald86]

I know this guy, he's me! I dont mean he is actually me, but you are describing the way I deal (hopefully dealt) with partners. I told my almost ex wife right off I was like this and later found out its called a avoidant attachment style from our MC after it was too late. His sounds pretty severe, but its a reaction to abandonment he received as an infant and its really hard to change! If you like him, just look this stuff up together and try to work through it. If that wont work for you and you need the "MAN" kind of dude that was lucky enough to have a securely attached set of parents, you'll have to move on. Do him a favor either way and introduce this issue to him so he doesnt find out 15 years in to a marriage.

 

Thanks for your insight. I like him enough that I'd be willing to work through it - especially since it seems like things can change. It seems like the more comfortable he gets, the more affectionate he is. Perhaps he needs time.

 

This is my only issue with him, really. He has done quite a lot otherwise - he has offered to help me move in, cook for me, fix things around my apartment, give me rides, etc. I don't always take his help, but I know he's responsible and dependable. And he always makes it known that he loves talking to me. But to me most importantly, when I'm going through a bad day, he patiently listens to me for as long as needed.

 

I would hate to break things off because of something like this, so I'm hoping things will change.

Edited November 29, 2018 by emerald86

[carhill]

I'd say keep showing up and watch for both of you to become more affectionate absent the alcohol. If it doesn't happen, probably not a good flow so let it go. People should be comfortable being authentic with affection and interest when sober. I'm actually thinking of someone I just talked to while posting this. She'll suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball when soused but it's barely a perfunctory hug when sober. I'd kill to have equitable expressions of affection when stone cold sober since most of we folks are sober most of the time. Perhaps for some that's not in the cards, IDK.

 

If the overall feel is positive, and you're still attracted, let it ride. See what happens.

[Simple Logic]

You live in a time when men are being told to seek permission before physical touching. Sounds like he is just following your gestures to figure out what is acceptable at the given moment.

[GinON]

Thanks for your insight. I like him enough that I'd be willing to work through it - especially since it seems like things can change. It seems like the more comfortable he gets, the more affectionate he is. Perhaps he needs time.

 

This is my only issue with him, really. He has done quite a lot otherwise - he has offered to help me move in, cook for me, fix things around my apartment, give me rides, etc. I don't always take his help, but I know he's responsible and dependable. And he always makes it known that he loves talking to me. But to me most importantly, when I'm going through a bad day, he patiently listens to me for as long as needed.

 

I would hate to break things off because of something like this, so I'm hoping things will change.

 

Even more me! I would break my back to help my wife but if she rejected me physically I would crawl back in the shell you saw at first with him. It made her think I didnt love her or want her which caused her to show frustration and anger which caused me to recoil more... Be ready for that when you arent in the mood down the road.

 

He may still want to get frisky but is afraid to try because rejection is so abhorrent that he would avoid allowing himself to feel desire if it meant that he could experience rejection again. It spirals out of control and becomes an internal struggle that he might not even see or allow himself to question.

 

Doing good deeds are rarely met with rejection and if they are its, "thanks, you are so generous and kind," and the person offering is getting out of doing extra work, win win! Its also the kind of thing you can offer to anyone, regardless of how close your relationship is. It doesn't have the significance of physical intimacy.

 

Sexual rejection is painful, especially to avoidants like this guy. You can hardly be cheerful and say, not tonight honey, but you are so wonderful to ask. Not getting to do "the work" in this case is very different.

 

You've got to understand that his attachment wiring here responds to physical intimacy like he is not being fed as an infant or has been left to die in a crib. It makes no sense logically but the way we connect to each other as adults is learned from how we connect as babies to our parents/caregivers. Once he knows this, he might be able to adjust his mindset so that he rolls with these punches.

 

This is hard wired from infant emotional trauma, its not a chosen social behavior. Its workable but it will not be easy for him to change.

Edited November 29, 2018 by GinON

[Andy_K]

Could all of this indicate that maybe he just wasn't comfortable all this time?

 

Yes. Or more accurately, he didn't know you were interested in stepping things up because you were so closed off.

 

Initially, you failed to respond positively to anything he did to escalate physical contact. So naturally he stopped and waited for any positive signs from you. He didn't get any for a long time, but as soon as he does he mirrors them exactly and makes a move on you. Had you been more open on the first or second date, chances are you'd have been kissed then too.

[Art Anderson]

Reading that OP three times now, it seems he could be acting on a few different things: Problem is you haven't mentioned how many actual dates you've been on, though you're probably texting like bunnies. Only actual dates count.

 

One really important one, all of these examples were in public places, correct? Days? Nights? Some people are very reserved about public displays of affection. If so, put that on top of you giving him the red light right off the bat by pulling away and this guy has now taken himself 4 steps back from where he could be.

 

Try situations where it's secluded and private space but neither of you would feel cornered. Do you go to either of your places after a date? Make some of those dates daytime ventures to a marketplace, brush up against each other as you reach across the stalls for things you're interested in. Go home to put together a snack/lunch with the things you got and a bottle of wine.

 

If he's thinking he should be a gentleman, when you got tipsy, you put the situation in neutral. He's not going to do anything other than look after you. Also maybe he's not impressed by you drinking too much and that impression carries forward.

 

I wouldn't jump to concluding he's a head case from a bad childhood (some people).

[smackie9]

Look this is pretty simple, he tried to make a move, you were closed off...so he told himself "OK she needs to warm up to me I will back off so I don't scare her away." That is what happened. When a guy keeps asking you out it's obvious that he is interested or he wouldn't have wasted his time. He must really like you because he made sure you were comfortable before he became more physically intimate with you....it's a no brainer, he was just being a gentleman...a very patient one.

[Lotsgoingon]

He may just be hesitant ... which isn't a big deal necessarily.

 

But you will know how affectionate he is when you go on more dates with him. Ideally, he will resume where you guys left off ... meaning he will be much quicker to touch you ... and read your body language.

 

I was ridiculously hesitant at times ... partly because I wasn't sure how much I liked the woman ... but also partly because I was just scared ... But past that, I'm extremely affectionate.

 

So you'll have to see.

[emerald86]

I'm currently dating the most wonderful man I have ever met. He's incredibly kind, caring, intelligent, successful, and the best part of it is that I genuinely feel so comfortable around him. I am totally able to be myself with him, and share my secrets. Our conversations last for hours--we always have so much to talk about and tell each other. And since we were friends for a while before dating, I care about him quite a lot. I want to hear about his day, and I genuinely want him to be happy. He has shown that he feels the same way about me. I could spend any amount of time with him, and never get bored of his presence.

 

And of course, I am very attracted to him.

 

However, I can't help but feel that something is missing, but I wonder if that is just me. In my past relationships, I always felt that obsessive can't eat, can't sleep type of infatuation where I was thinking about the guy all the time. In my past relationships, even one text or phone call would send my heart racing, and have me feeling completely over the moon. I don't feel that in my current relationship--it's more like, when I get a text from my guy, I get warm, fuzzy feelings inside, but I don't get anxious butterflies in my stomach. I also don't find myself thinking about him all the time. Is that a bad thing?

 

I don't know if this has anything to do with the fact that my current relationship is the only relationship where I'm being treated very well and everything is going wonderfully. My past relationships were not like that at all--those guys were always going back and forth. Maybe that's why I don't feel as excited? I've also always been insecure in relationships, so the fact that I have nothing to feel insecure about now is quite a new experience for me.

 

Is it a good thing that this relationship is different from the rest? Although the chemistry may not be as intense as my previous relationships, it's definitely there. But most of all, the personal connection that I'm experiencing now is far deeper than anything else I've ever had.

 

I'll admit I've had fleeting thoughts about letting this relationship go, just because the chemistry is not as intense as it was in my past relationships. But is that just silly? On the other hand, I would be very very sad if I had to let him go. I would be losing someone very important to me.

Edited December 5, 2018 by emerald86

[preraph]

You've known him so long and were friends that you didn't really get to have that big exciting romance period that comes in the beginning. It's like you jumped right to comfortable old married couple. It's not for everyone, but those who enjoy it probably are the happiest married people. I've always needed the excitement and passion. But I just wasn't very domestic at all.

 

Do you think if you have kids, maybe that will inject a new dimension into the marriage and give you that to be mutually excited about? Although I will say lots of men get upset they aren't your number one anymore and are too exhausted to have sex like bunnies.

[Robert]

Just a note to posters, 3 threads were merged into one, that way there is just one running thread on the dating scenario, thanks

[nospam99]

Just a note to posters, 3 threads were merged into one, that way there is just one running thread on the dating scenario, thanks

 

Thanks, Robert. I was trying to figure out WTF was going on with this thread.

 

OP, I'm going to project myself into your description of your bf and respond to your earlier post about wondering how interested he is in physical affection and intimacy. I'm a 60+ male. I don't know if I'd fit the 'avoident attachment' label. But on the hookup to LTR scale for what I'm searching for, I am at the LTR end. So I'm a bit 'slow' to 'get physical' with my dates. I look for an indication that she's open to 'escalation' before doing something. It's a judgement call and the next guy will as likely as not make a different judgement.

 

Examples from the 'early' stages:

- A first meeting is usually across a table at a eating/coffee place. I look for her hand half way across the table or I put my hand there. If both hands arrive and she hasn't taken mine first, I take hers.

- Walking side by side I'll take her hand or let her take mine.

- When saying 'goodbye' after the first meeting, I get close enough to invite or accept a hug, a kiss, or both and gently let her be the one to 'end' it.

I regard these behaviors of mine as pretty low key and plain vanilla. But I listed them to give you an idea of how I, as a man interested in building a relationship, shows that physically at one early stage of dating. (I'm getting bored repeating ....) YMMV