Charlierose30 Posted November 23, 2018 Posted November 23, 2018 Hi Everyone, This is my first post, although I have been reading alot on LS over the last few weeks. My three year relationship has just ended, and I am completely lost and struggling to cope. We lived together for the last two years, and recently moved to his country from mine (where we were both living). We had been planning this move for a long time, and were both really excited about this new chapter in our lives. However, after being there for six weeks, my partner announced that he wanted to break up, that he did not want to work on our relationship, and that he was 'done'. After six weeks! We had the house sorted, he had just started work (which he coincidentally quit the day we broke up) and I was about to apply for my spousal visa. With this bombshell however, I had no choice to fly home (I cannot work and support myself without this visa) and now here I am back home, living with my parents with no partner, no job and wondering what the hell happened. We have broken up in the past (usually when work stress gets on top of him) however always manage to sort it out. Can anyone please provide me with some advice? Guidance? Insight? Anything? I am beside myself with grief.
Garcon1986 Posted November 23, 2018 Posted November 23, 2018 Sorry to hear this, and welcome to LS. That’s a terrible thing to have to go through. I’m curious to hear what two countries are involved here? I would suggest doing everything in your power to stay happy and keep your head up. Secondly, trying your hardest to find a new job. You’ve got all the cheerleaders you need on LS. We can give you lots of emotional shoulders to lean on.
Author Charlierose30 Posted November 23, 2018 Author Posted November 23, 2018 Ireland and Australia. That’s what makes this so hard to comprehend, our two countries are so far away from one another that any hope of reconciliation just seems impossible.
bathtub-row Posted November 23, 2018 Posted November 23, 2018 (edited) Ireland and Australia. That’s what makes this so hard to comprehend, our two countries are so far away from one another that any hope of reconciliation just seems impossible. I know it must hurt like hell and I’m really sorry you’re going through this but do you really think reconciliation is a good idea? The guy had you move to another country and then almost immediately dropped a bomb on you. There’s no excuse for the way he has treated you. I don’t know what he was thinking doing what he did but at some point I hope you come to realize that he’s basically a jerk. If you’ve broken up before, it may be time to face the fact that the two of you have insurmountable problems. Love shouldn’t be that much work. Edited November 23, 2018 by bathtub-row
Author Charlierose30 Posted November 23, 2018 Author Posted November 23, 2018 Thanks for the response Bathtub-row, I really appreciate it. You’re right regarding a reconciliation, I don’t know that I could ever trust him again after this. I guess it’s just my ego or pride wanting the option. I’m just really shell shocked and can’t figure out what on earth has happened. We had our future planned out, were going to try for a baby next year and saving money for a house to buy. I don’t know where it all went so wrong, and so quickly. I really thought he loved me.
bathtub-row Posted November 23, 2018 Posted November 23, 2018 I totally understand. Did he give you any explanation as to why he did what he did?
Author Charlierose30 Posted November 23, 2018 Author Posted November 23, 2018 (edited) He said that he’s unhappy in the relationship. He said it’s not me, that I’m wonderful and he will never find someone like me again but that he needs to do what’s right for him. He was really upset and crying throughout.. He maintains we are best friends and doesn’t want to lose me. I don’t understand why I had to move if this is what he was thinking? It just seems so cruel. Edited November 23, 2018 by Charlierose30
bathtub-row Posted November 23, 2018 Posted November 23, 2018 Yeah, that’s ridiculous. I don’t know what he was thinking letting it go as far as it did before telling you that. I’m sure it wasn’t just out of the blue. You said it right - pretty brutal. I’m just so sorry. That hurts so much and you were together for quite some time. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you won’t always hurt like this.
Author Charlierose30 Posted November 23, 2018 Author Posted November 23, 2018 Thank you. I’m really struggling to wrap my head around it all. I can’t belive that I got it so wrong. In my eyes, we were off to happily ever after land. I was going on this big adventure with the love of my life. And he told me the same. Until he didn’t. I believed him when he said he loved me and would take care of me forever, but it was all lies.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 23, 2018 Posted November 23, 2018 I'm really sorry, OP. I also live abroad and know how life-changing an experience it is, and how complicated the logistics are. To have the rug pulled out from under you like this is, in my opinion, unforgivable. He is delusional if he believes you will continue to be friends after this, let alone "best friends." What a crock. But I do wonder how stable your relationship truly was. You said you have broken up before, usually when stress gets to him - how many times had this happened? A relationship that is riddled with break-ups (for any reason) is not a solid one. When was the last break-up? For this to have all fallen apart in such a short time strongly suggests he's been having doubts for a while and didn't voice them to you. But again, a two-year relationship that has suffered more than one break-up is a sign that something wasn't right between you and him. 1
Author Charlierose30 Posted November 23, 2018 Author Posted November 23, 2018 (edited) Hi ExpatInItaly, thanks for your reply. He suffers from anxiety and more recently depression which has affected our relationship. When we broke up previously, it coincided with him losing his job and he pushed me awa. I want to be angry but I’m just so sad about this. It doesn’t make sense to me. Edited November 23, 2018 by Charlierose30
Million.to.1 Posted November 23, 2018 Posted November 23, 2018 Hey Charlie. I'm recently out of a 6 year relationship which involved a cross continental move as far as yours was. It was a bit different obviously, but I can tell you one thing right now. Be thankful that it happened now and not in 3-4-5 years down the road. We held on and on and invested more and more and it's so awful now dealing with intertwined lives and families. I know it's tough and what he did was absolutely awful, but be grateful that it wasn't after a huge investment of your time and life and you didn't waste too many of your prime years on him in a foreign place, building a new life to have to abandon or try and make work on your own. You can heal and rebuild now, and better things will come. I'd PM you but think you need to have 50 posts to receive.
d0nnivain Posted November 23, 2018 Posted November 23, 2018 You didn't break up. You are heading for a divorce. This was your husband who treated you so cruelly. Relocating you. Undertaking massive expenses to move then to force you to move back. Think about that as you decide to stay off this roller coaster that was your relationship. You said you have broken up before & gotten back together. A threat of a break up let alone the actual separation in a marriage is destructive & not to be taken lightly. Let Peter Pan do whatever he's going to do. File for divorce. Make sure you get compensated for all the relocation expenses.
Author Charlierose30 Posted November 23, 2018 Author Posted November 23, 2018 Hi d0nnivain, we weren’t married, although had discussed it at length. Everyone I speak to tells me what a terrible thing he has done and to move on. But I don’t even know where to start with that. Million.to.1, how are you managing with your situation? I’m really sorry this has happened to you. You’re right I guess I’m lucky it happened now. But I also feel ripped off - we didn’t even get to give it a try. Are you coping ok?
d0nnivain Posted November 23, 2018 Posted November 23, 2018 You said something about a "spousal visa" so I assumed you were married. Immigration authorities don't usually deal with grey areas like dating. It was still a rotten thing to do. Besides, you are home now. How are you going to reconcile or carry on a relationship with somebody half a world away who has rejected you?
Author Charlierose30 Posted November 23, 2018 Author Posted November 23, 2018 Yes, you’re right he has rejected me and I’m home now. I’m just really hurt and am having a hard time coping with it all. It’s overwhelming.
dannymc33 Posted November 23, 2018 Posted November 23, 2018 Wow that is actually the lowest of the lowest of all break ups!! Just hang in there face the emotions head on and the pain will slowly fade. Apply no contact and i promise you he will come crawling back. By then you will be over him.
d0nnivain Posted November 23, 2018 Posted November 23, 2018 Yes, you’re right he has rejected me and I’m home now. I’m just really hurt and am having a hard time coping with it all. It’s overwhelming. Understood. Lean on those closest to you for support. You have to mourn this loss & that will take time. Hang in there as you rebuild.
Author Charlierose30 Posted November 24, 2018 Author Posted November 24, 2018 Thanks for the responses. Today has been really tough. My mental health is slipping and I can’t seem to shake the overwhelming sadness. I’m trying to stay strong but it’s hard.
bathtub-row Posted November 24, 2018 Posted November 24, 2018 It is hard. Nothing fun or entertaining about it. I’m really sorry you’re so sad and having such a hard time.
nolanola Posted November 24, 2018 Posted November 24, 2018 The thing that helps me a lot is that SO many other people are having similar thoughts to me. When I'm sitting here thinking that I never meant anything to him, that he's forgotten about me, that he's so much happier with the new person he's dating, it helps to log in and see that almost everyone else has the same thoughts. We are not alone and we aren't crazy for feeling this way. Draw strength from that -- I know I am. Also, I know everyone says that time heals wounds, but the annoying thing about that is that you have to give time time. You can't expect to be over it in a week or a month or even a year in some cases. And that's ok. Just know that time is doing its magic, little by little by little. I try to think about just getting through today when I get really down. And if that's too much, just think about getting through this hour. You can do that -- focus on that and try not to put too much thought into what might happen tomorrow or 6 months from now.
Author Charlierose30 Posted November 24, 2018 Author Posted November 24, 2018 The thing I’m struggling with today is the deceit. How could he act so loving and caring towards me if he was thinking of ending it? How could he plan this life with me if he didn’t really want it? And when did he decide? Because everything else pointed to him wanting us to be together forever. It’s driving me crazy.
bathtub-row Posted November 25, 2018 Posted November 25, 2018 What he did makes no sense and if I were in your shoes, I’d be struggling with the same thing. He surely had to have doubts way before you moved. I don’t know, maybe he kept trying to convince himself that the two of you could make it work. Maybe he was just too chicken to tell you not to come. I think overall it’s about his inability to have the courage to say anything before the damage was done. But it seems that would’ve been easier to do long-distance than waiting until you got there. Did things change a lot once you arrived? Was there a lot of arguing between the two of you in general?
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