PTSD From Breakup?

[helloladies21]

I dated my recent ex for a couple of months at the beginning of the year. Things went fast. She seemed a little crazy from the start, but the chemistry was so good. All of a sudden she pulled away emotionally. After a few weeks of B.S.ing back and forth, we ended. I guess you you say I was the one who completed the breakup, but she fully complied with it. She did not resist at all. I suspected that a combination of her difficult childhood and not being over her divorce caused her to have intimacy and abandonment issues which caused her to pull away. I mentally decided to let her go, but emotionally held onto her for a few months. I couldn't date anyone else.

 

So over the summer, I started feeling better and was coming to terms with the end of the relationship. I started dating a couple of other girls and then magically my ex came storming back into my life. She said she couldn't date anyone else and never fell out of love with me. We basically picked right back up where we left off before she pulled away. Things went fine for a couple of weeks and then she pulled away again. I let it go on for a couple of weeks just to make sure it wasn't something temporary. She ignored my calls/texts, became dis-affectionate. It really ate me up inside. I brought up what I was seeing and how it made me feel. She went into complete denial about it. After some more ignoring by her, I had another conversation with her where she said she was over her ex, but not over the divorce itself. I ended it at the end of that conversation. I was still madly in love with her.

 

Deciding not to waste any more of my life on this girl, I dove right back into dating. I found some good girls who almost hit the mark, but the memory of the ex still remained. I wrote to her a couple of times letting her know that I didn't blame her for the way she was, but that I believed our breakups were caused by her issues and that these issues would have to be worked through if we were to have any chance to make it work with us (lightly intimating that some type of treatment would be required). I heard nothing back. A little over a month ago, I saw online that she is with some new guy. Looks like she dove right in with him like she did with me. I've been in No Contact ever since and will not check in on her or reach out to her again.

 

I dated this other girl for a few weeks. Very pretty and completely into me. Such a nice girl too. I felt that she wasn't witty enough for me so I ended it with her. I hurt her. I feel bad about that and still think about her often. I stopped having fun in dating and began having even more trouble sleeping. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I don't have my usual zest for life. I feel like I have this clouded mind and often go through the motions. Even though I'm doing my best to stay out there, I feel like I'm a bit withdrawn and have trouble connecting with people. Am I now the one who is scarred from the breakup? Should I get treatment or wait for it to pass?

Edited November 22, 2018 by helloladies21

[basil67]

I think you just need a bit of time out. Stop dating. But do things for yourself which improve your mood. Exercise. Count your blessings. Go out with your mates.

[BaileyB]

I agree with basil, you need to take a break from dating. Go to the gym, hang out with your friends, read a book, and enjoy the holidays with your family. Try again sometime in the New Year.

 

You do not have PTSD.

[Simple Logic]

Agree, you do not have PTSD, maybe some temporary depression, which is normal. If you believe it is beyond normal, seek professional treatment.

[BaileyB]

Agree, you do not have PTSD, maybe some temporary depression, which is normal. If you believe it is beyond normal, seek professional treatment.

 

It would be called "situational depression" perhaps. With time, it should pass...

[helloladies21]

Thank you for the responses. I believe situational depression it is then. I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow for something unrelated. I think I will bring this up and see if they can prescribe me something to help me sleep better at the very least. Other sleep aids have been ineffective to this point and that's the main thing that's weighing me down.

 

As far as dating is concerned, I've received conflicting advice about it. Some say to stop. Others say to just date lightly and see what's out there. I've thought about putting it on pause, but would it help me heal faster? Seems like it would make me concentrate on her more since I wouldn't have any distraction. In any case, my dating has slowed down involuntarily because of work ad I've exhausted the online dating pool in my city, and it will probably decrease even further for the next few months as I go into my busy season. I'll only have time to date every so often and will save those for girls I think are really worth it.

 

I know I'll get over her eventually. I've been through this before. Four times in my life to be precise. It's ranged from anywhere between 7 months to a year to fully get over these other exes. I think I just take breakups hard when I really believe in the girl.

[amaysngrace]

Distracting yourself from feeling your feelings is an unfair burden to bring to a new relationship.

 

You’ll be bringing that same toxicity that she brought to you and be poisoning someone else while you use them to dump your unresolved feelings on them.

 

Just deal with your own crap first.

[helloladies21]

I really don't think a date or two a week for a few hours total is distracting me from feeling my feelings. By that logic, it would be best to cut myself off from all distractions, like work, friends, TV, and just sit and think about it. No one is suggesting that and I don't think that would be healthy.

 

I don't have a history of dumping my feelings onto any of the girls I've dated. I know some people project like this, but it just hasn't been the case with me.

 

I'l continue to go on a date here and there and just wait for my feelings to die down. It'll happen eventually.

[MichaelD]

I have a similar depression after the brakeup and its mostly because the sacrifices i made in the 6 years of my youth for her, lost so much only to get rejected, i wish i never put her on a pedestal. Even when im happy, i get depressed involuntarly and i hate her, but mostly its towards me and my decisions. I think of suicide involuntarly also, but i keep fighting and having fun and improving myself, its something i have to carry. Been 5 months since brakeup.

[amaysngrace]

I really don't think a date or two a week for a few hours total is distracting me from feeling my feelings. By that logic, it would be best to cut myself off from all distractions, like work, friends, TV, and just sit and think about it. No one is suggesting that and I don't think that would be healthy.

 

I don't have a history of dumping my feelings onto any of the girls I've dated. I know some people project like this, but it just hasn't been the case with me.

 

I'l continue to go on a date here and there and just wait for my feelings to die down. It'll happen eventually.

 

Then please make sure they’re aware that you have no intention of taking them seriously if that’s all you’re planning to do with them.

 

To enter into a relationship would be very unfair of you and they’ll end up getting hurt like the girl from summer did. Rebounding is wrong especially when you’re fully aware that you’d be using a person to do just that.

 

And it’s not the same as distractions like TV since these are people. Admittedly you need med to sleep as a result of the break-up. Why don’t you learn how to be okay by yourself first before you drag another person down with you?

 

It’s very selfish.

[helloladies21]

I have a similar depression after the brakeup and its mostly because the sacrifices i made in the 6 years of my youth for her, lost so much only to get rejected, i wish i never put her on a pedestal. Even when im happy, i get depressed involuntarly and i hate her, but mostly its towards me and my decisions. I think of suicide involuntarly also, but i keep fighting and having fun and improving myself, its something i have to carry. Been 5 months since brakeup.

 

 

 

I'm sorry you feel that way my friend. I think your situation is a little different than mine though.

 

 

I wouldn't say I hate my ex. She has some psychological and emotional issues. It's not a choice and I am empathetic towards those with these problems. I'm sure she wanted to be who I was looking for. It just wasn't in her to do it.

 

 

As far as blaming myself, I wouldn't say I do that either. A lot of signs pointed to her being the one to settle down with. The signs that didn't, I fleshed them out as best I could and I got to the bottom of it eventually. I was fair with her and did the best I could. If I were to go back, I wouldn't do anything differently. Actually, I take that back. I took some bad advice from a friend who essentially got me to buy into her BS as we were breaking up the first time. He's crazy and I should have just done it my way and stood firm that she was being unreasonable. It wouldn't have changed the end result, but it would have put me in a better frame of mind to withstand her second attempt at getting back together with me.

 

 

You need to forgive yourself and forgive her friend. She's just living her life based on how she was raised. She did the best she could, just like you did. None of us are here to waste our time. We do the best we can and sometimes things don't work out. You learn what you can and try again with someone else.

 

 

If you are thinking about suicide, however, I would definitely seek some medical attention for that. You don't want to do something that you can't take back.

[helloladies21]

Then please make sure they’re aware that you have no intention of taking them seriously if that’s all you’re planning to do with them.

 

 

I will do no such thing, since that is not my plan at all. Today I matched with a stone-cold stunner on Bumble. Maybe it will go somewhere, maybe it won't. What I can assure you of, is if her personality matches, I will get into a relationship with her and this ex will be come a distant memory.

 

To enter into a relationship would be very unfair of you and they’ll end up getting hurt like the girl from summer did. Rebounding is wrong especially when you’re fully aware that you’d be using a person to do just that.

 

 

The girl from the summer was no rebound. Her personality just didn't work with mine. I was patient with her in letting things develop, but I think it's pretty obvious that she wasn't a good fit for me. I don't regret breaking up with her and the same thing would have happened whether or not I still had my ex on the brain.

 

 

I'm not looking to rebound. That's why I keep rejecting the girls I'm currently dating. I'd rather deal with the pain than to take the easy way out and get with somebody to be with somebody. What you're accusing me of is just incorrect.

 

And it’s not the same as distractions like TV since these are people. Admittedly you need med to sleep as a result of the break-up. Why don’t you learn how to be okay by yourself first before you drag another person down with you?

 

It’s very selfish.

 

 

I am ok by myself, hence the fact that I'm by myself even though I go on the odd date every so often. I don't understand the logic behind this idea that the best way to heal is in a vacuum. I was once in a relationship that ended and got into another one 4 days later that turned out to be more serious than the previous one. I was still very hurt and didn't want anything to do with another woman. I've done it before and I can do it again.

[helloladies21]

It’s very selfish.

 

 

 

And that's an interesting statement. I would not consider myself a selfish person; I don't think many would, but dating is a selfish game. I'm certain that the girl who I recently slept with a couple of times that broke it off with me wasn't thinking about whether or not I was going to be hurt by it. People get hurt in dating. I don't think I'm going to do it any more than any other normal person out there is the dating world. All of your assumptions about me paint me out to be some user, which is just an incorrect assessment of who I am based on false assumptions.

[amaysngrace]

It’s not a false assumption when you make statements like this:

 

I'l continue to go on a date here and there and just wait for my feelings to die down. It'll happen eventually.

 

You’re hung up on someone so you should deal with that before seeing anybody new. Otherwise you’ll be being very selfish.

 

You thinking that it’s okay because everyone else does it is a false assumption. Some people deal with their crap before putting themselves back out there, they don’t throw themselves back into the dating world and hope in time feelings for the other one will fade away.

 

Do what you want, it’s your life, but you should be honest about your feelings for the dysfunctional girl you still love to anybody new so they don’t end up getting hurt by you like the girl from summer was.

[helloladies21]

It’s not a false assumption when you make statements like this:

 

 

 

You’re hung up on someone so you should deal with that before seeing anybody new. Otherwise you’ll be being very selfish.

 

You thinking that it’s okay because everyone else does it is a false assumption. Some people deal with their crap before putting themselves back out there, they don’t throw themselves back into the dating world and hope in time feelings for the other one will fade away.

 

Do what you want, it’s your life, but you should be honest about your feelings for the dysfunctional girl you still love to anybody new so they don’t end up getting hurt by you like the girl from summer was.

 

There's nothing wrong with my statement. I said I will continue to date until my feelings dies down, not I'm going to use girls at their expense to make myself get over my ex. There's a big difference.

 

And I wouldn't say I'm still in love with her. I'm just disappointed by the loss and even that seems to be fading over the last week or so. I've been so tied up with work and girls that it seems to have pushed me over the edge.

 

And what kind of advice is that to be so naked about my feelings? Nobody is like that no matter where they are mentally. This advice just does not pertain to the real world. And I wrote above, I didn't break up with the girl over the summer because of my ex. She was not a good fit for me.

 

Although I don't agree with any of your advice, you calling her dysfunctional does help. I know there's something wrong with her and I had nothing to do with that and could have done nothing to help her with it. My sister-in-law once said "that girl's no good." Sound bites like these help bring me back to center every time I start glorifying who she is. I make no judgment on her net worth as a person, but as a partner; she has some major holes in her game.