How do you begin to move on when you just don't understand why?

[brooke7777]

I've posted my situation before...but here is a short recap. My boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 1/2 years. We were the picture perfect couple..or so I thought. Recently, he said that he did not feel the same level of enthusiasm for the relationship and did not know if he could regain that enthusiasm. So after a few days of space...we broke up. Initially, we tried to maintain some contact...we talked once or twice a week. Even though I knew deep down that it was destroying me each time I talked to him, I guess I felt like I still needed to hang on to him a little bit. Last week, we decided that we needed to make it more of a clean break and that we should not contact each other for a month or two. Honestly, what I think led up to this no contact period was me asking him why he lost his enthusiasm...I brought it up during our last conversation and became upset. He couldn't really give me an answer except for that "the good times were good and the bad times were bad." In my opinion, that's life and every relationship, whether it be romantic or not. I just can't seem to put a finger on what caused this. We had a 2 motnh period where we pushed each other's buttons a lot, but we had a big blow out and really hashed out our issues with each other. Things were then awesome for 3 weeks after that. We really worked on our issues and were truly having fun again. I'm having a really hard time moving forward and I think it's because I just don't understand why. I know that he is in a stressful period of his life, but he insists that this is not why. Has anyone else had to deal with a situation similar to this? How do you begin to move forward when you still feel like you have no closure or don't understand what truly caused the demise of your relationship?

[Merin]

Honestly Brooke after 3 1/2 years together, I'm sure the 2 of you reached a level of comfort that all couples reach when they've been together for awhile... even after the 2 of you had hashed out your issues it is still very easy to slip back into the comfort zone that you've known for so long...

 

While IMO being comfortable is good and normal when you're in a long term relationship there still needs to be some alone time, seperatness from one another and the real work of keeping the relationship going starts...

 

This isn't YOUR fault or burden to bare alone.... it could be your BF thinks he will find that some where else... but truth be told relationships when they've gone on awhile DO NOT stay exciting and new for long... and it is when you've reached that comfort level with someone and you're good to go with being who you are with them that things are good....

 

At this point Brooke, leaving him alone while I know is so hard for you, would really be best for you... he NEEDS to be away from you right now to gain some perspective.... he NEEDS to miss you and he can't do that if you're always right there....

 

Hang in there

[Curt]

How do you begin to move forward when you still feel like you have no closure or don't understand what truly caused the demise of your relationship?

 

Ahh ... the question I have struggled with for many many months ...

 

Answer:

 

Try to accept the situation as a learning experience. Realize that there are those circumstances in life where one doesn't find the answers ... except from within him/herself.

 

Perhaps it is in losing those whom we hold most dear, that our true humanity and desire to love comes through ... we do so even at the risk of being thrown off as an afterthought.

 

Even our Lord was constantly offering his love for those around him. What happened? Even one of his most fervent believers and friends (Peter) denied that he would ever turn his back on Him. Yet, he did.

 

Sometimes, there are few answers... only more questions. The trick is never allowing it to cause bitterness to become part of our hearts.

 

I feel your pain. I'm there myself.

 

Peace

[Love2share]

He dumped you because he doesn't care about you anymore. THAT IS THE ONLY REASON THAT MATTERS.

 

You shouldn't want to be with someone who obviously doesn't want to be with you. His reasons for this could be shallow. But you are really hurting right now and simply want to know WHY he doesn't want to be with you. I understand how you feel. I've been there myself.

 

It all boils down to you accepting this fact. For example, I don't like when people are racist. But I don't waste my time wondering why racism exist. I just try to avoid racist people as much as possible. I know thier racism is ignorant. So I think you can take that attitude about your XBF. If there was anything you could do to change the situation, he would have told you so. Since he didn't, his reasons don't matter. He doesn't want you. Leave his stupid a$$ alone !!!!

[lindya]

How do you begin to move forward when you still feel like you have no closure or don't understand what truly caused the demise of your relationship?

 

I think your relationship ended for the reason that most relationships seem to end. Its survival depended on the continued commitment and enthusiasm of both people in it, but your ex's commitment and enthusiasm waned. In a year's time, it might well have been you who would have decided "this relationship has died now." As it is, he's the one who reached that conclusion first - which is leaving you hurting and perhaps feeling as if you're in some way disposable.

 

You're not. It's the relationship that has ended - NOT you. Thinking about your ex for a moment...he was half of that relationship, and in saying goodbye to it he's saying goodbye to a big part of himself and an important chapter in his life. Three and a half years is a fairly long time, and he might one day look back and regret ending things with you. Then again, he might never regret it. You can't be waiting around thinking about him and postponing your life in the hope that he'll suddenly realise he was wrong.

 

There are thousands of popular, healthy, well-balanced people out there who've been on the receiving end of what you're going through right now, got over it.... and found new and even better sources of happiness and fulfilment. A lot of them are doing infinitely better than the people who ended relationships with them are doing. Fingers crossed that you'll find the quickest path to recovering from this

[brooke7777]

Thanks for your insight everyone. This isn't my first heartbreak...so I have dealt with this before, just not on this level of intensity. My life just feels like it has been violently shaken up and then stomped on...I had my whole life planned and now it's just on big pile of uncertainty. I know that I need to take time to let myself grow as a person...it's just so hard to think of life without him.