Every dark cloud has a silver lining??

[heartnsoul]

So, I'm posting in the 'coping' forum and I don't know if that's in fact what I'm doing because I can't get him out of my mind. I've been reading other threads related to my situation and it pains me to see that so many people have to feel this way. This relationship has really affected me in a way I never thought was possible. I'm feeling rather jaded and wonder when I'll be able to trust my heart to anyone.

 

One would think that after 6 weeks of no contact there would be some sign of relief but I'm just not feeling it. Dreams, songs, and the 'If I had only' seem to be clouding my improvement. The more that finality sets in it seems the harder this is all getting. Maybe it's just that I've been holding onto the thought that he would somehow muster up the courage to set things straight with me and I don't think at this point it's going to happen.

 

I just find it mind boggling that someone could just disappear after so much was shared. We had found ourselves in a scary situation and HE was the one that expressed anxiety about me leaving once all was said and done and w/in 2 weeks, he's the one who pulled away. I just can't seem to understand and I so feel that I need to.

 

All I get is "I'm sorry for bringing you into my mess" and he's gone.

 

** sigh ** I'm in self pitty party mode here Oy vey!

 

 

On a brighter note...I just bought "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" Has anybody read this book?? I figured a little enlightenment could work to my advantage at this point.

 

 

Any words or thoughts are highly appreciated!!

[brooke7777]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I feel your pain. It's been 4 weeks for me...only 1 with no contact, but I am feeling no sense of relief either. Today was a real bad day. I just totally lost it after work today. Each day, I feel like I try so hard to keep it together during the day and the second I step foot into my car I break down. Whether it's a song on the radio or a land mark that I drive by, the memories still keep flooding back into my ehad. It's like I just can't escape him. I guess I too am still hoping that I'm going to get a phone call saying that he made a huge mistake and wants to start all over again. Why does breaking up have to be so hard?

[heartnsoul]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.

 

Thank you.

 

What happened between you and your ex?? I know what you mean about breaking down. It's tough! Some days at work, I'm either on the verge of tears or ripping someone's head off but I know that it's just me trying to deal with the pain. It sounds like you can relate.

 

That ONE phone call.....It's really hard to let go of that hope, ya know? But then you wonder...if that call did come...would there be any turning back? The damage is done! Ultimately, I think it's more about getting an acknowledgment for all the pain and heart ache that was caused than anything. Well, thank god for LS

[sanne]

have you tried working out daily? i'm no doctor, but when I exercise daily I find that I am much more at ease with my emotions and calm about the entire situation. i think without some kind of release, you will definitely go crazy. i had a bad day today too in the morning, but i'm feeling much better today. it got so bad this morning that i didn't bring my phone with me to work because i knew i'd be tempted to call my ex.

[brooke7777]

In a nut shell, my boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 1/2 years. We went through a little bit of a rough period where we pushed each others buttons a lot...nothing too major. We had this huge blow up and really hashed out our issues. Everything was amazing for about three weeks. Then one day he told me that he didn't feel the same level of enthusiasm for the relationship and didn't know if he could get back to that level. He said he wanted some space...so we took about 5 days of space and then it ended from there. He hasn't really given me a reason as to why he lost his enthusiasm and it may be just because he doesn't know. Basically, he pulled the generic, "the good times were good and the bad times were bad." Doesn't really help me out...thats just life in general. We talked once or twice a week in the beginning, but it became too hard so now we're trying the whole nc thing for a month or two.

 

And it is killing me. I know that talking to him always set me back, but at the same time, I guess I liked knowing that I was still in the picture, even if it was only pure torture for myself. I just want to make it through a day and feel ok. It just feels like a huge part of me died with the demise of this relationship.

 

You are right. The damage is done. But still the hope of that phone call lingers. My mind still tells me that we were truly meant to be and that we can work to piece back together the broken pieces...if only he would realize this. It's weird. I just don't understand how you give up on something so easily.

 

As for exercise...I run almost every day. It's hard though. I am a thin person to begin with and have lost a considerable amount of weight from this loss. I'm still not eating great so I have to limit my amount of exercise so I don't lose too much more weight. Today was an exception...I think I ate more today than I did in the past week. I guess it was comfort eating.

 

I've found that writing fake letters has helped. It's a way to pour your heart out and express all of your feelings without really talking to him. Just make sure you don't send them...hide your stamps if it helps. Mine are all at work, just in case I have a weak moment.

[Sadlygone]

That is exactly how I felt at first until, I found out for myself through reading other people's experience for the reason I was dumped. I feel so much shame for losing my self respect and dignity. I almost believed that it was no ones fault but fate itself. She actually had me brainwashed. It is unbelievable. It is now time for NC because I could never respect her and go back to her now. Hopefully all this anger will subside soon. She is the first woman I actually ever cried because of anything. I am just finding it difficult that I have all those great memories and that we shared this great connection with each other with the person I never knew, who was so cold and heartless in the end. I never knew that I could ever feel this much anger for someone. I am trying so hard to control my emotions but I feel so betrayed, especially someone who just did everything for me and professed that I was her soul mate. Even worse is that I still wish her the best and that she is showered with happiness in her life.

[heartnsoul]

Thank all of you for your replies!!!

 

Brooke ~ wow, 3.5 yrs is nothing to sneeze at. Every relationship has it's ups and downs, that's to be expected and I'm sorry that he chose to walk away. I know it's tough. I never want to give false hope but with that kind of investment a little time and space could be just what's called for. It sounds like he may've just hit an 'emotional rut' and didn't see any other way to deal with it. Maybe NC will be a good thing. One never knows, life is funny sometimes.

 

Sanne ~ No, I haven't tried working out. I know that exercise is a very good idea (for many reasons) but I've been feeling like such crap lately, my motivation is pretty much gone. You're 100% right...I really need to just push myself to do something! I used to be an aerobics freak and I know how good it makes you feel How long has it been since you spoke with your ex? I don't really know your background with her. It sounds like you took great measures to not break down though

 

Sadlygone ~ It takes a real person to (inspite of) feeling betrayed actually want to wish someone well. That says alot about you! I can really relate to that feeling.

 

Everytime my ex and I would see an EHarmony commercial, his first reaction was always...that's us! Seemed so happy and greatful that I entered his and his daughters life. His sister had even told me at one point that she'd never seen him respond/react to anybody how he had with me. In fact, just a week before everything started to go down, he had put a picture of his daughter, him, and I on the fridge......just very weird how things can seem so hopeful turn to **** so fast!!

 

Question ----> I still have his daughters car seat! What am I supposed to do with a car seat when I have no children?? lol Should I just toss it?? He also has a few things of mine as well....(nothing that can't be replaced) However, I feel guilty for some reason for having thoughts of just throwing away this car seat and I don't know why...it's weird

[smile95]

I have to say that I feel the same way.....I am not sure how I am going to get over this all. SOmethng major has to happen-I am trying so har to let go of hope and see that it is over this time. (regardless of if he comes back to me) I have to move on, but it is not happening and I am scared. I swear I think of him every hour. Maybe every 30 minutes......It is constantly in my head and I am not sure how to go about movig on. I have tried EVERYTHING. You would think my feelings would fade a little by now? I guess I am waiting on something to hit me and I will be ok.

[Sadlygone]

Think about the fact that they lack the emotion to think about you before. How about that you are a human being with many great qualities. You deserve to be respected. Keep your dignity. Just think how more rewarding it is to find that you will soon gain the power to have control over your own happiness. Don't you think that day will be better than a phone call leading to insecurity and probable further misery. What I do when I think about my ex while I am driving is to look in the mirro and tell myself that I need to stop being a child. Then I yell out "I WILL FIND MY PEACE ONE DAY AND YOU WILL NOT HOLD ME AS A PRISONER NO MORE" Stay Strong. Stay positive and you will feel that his hold on you will be less with time. I will keep you in my prayers for you to stay strong. I will pray that one day that the stronghold over you will be released and you find peace. We are in this together.

[Sadlygone]

And I am now on my 13th hour of NC! (Yeah Boy!!)

[smile95]

sadlygone-thatwas a great post......I hope one day my happiness does not depend on whether or not he is in my life.....I have control over that! For 3.5 yrs, my happiness depended on his phone call and usually I wasnot happy!!! I want to find other things to make me smile. All I was happy about was the day dreams I made up and when we did speak, I was let down. thanks.....that post kinda made me feel empowered

[heartnsoul]

Hi Beth It's still so fresh for you right now! It's only been a couple of weeks. I know it's so easy to feel like your 'feelings' are wrong but they're most definitely NOT!! I once read somewhere (common sense really but still hits home) that some people can be in a relationship for 3 years and get over it in 3 months and others in 3 month relationships that sting for 3 years! So, my conclusion to that is simply, everyone is different. There's no right or wrong in any situation!!

 

However, I can only imagine that since this has happened before that subconsiously you almost know that he's gonna call again and that's more than likely why you're struggling the way you are! All you can do is prepare yourself for that phone call! You know you can't continue this cycle any longer, it's not fair to you!! Was this relationship an LDR?? I only ask because I think I'd read that somewhere.......

 

One of the main things I'm struggling with now is wondering whether or not he left me for someone else. I don't know that having the answer would make any of this easier on me but it's just one of those things I can't let go of. I had asked him in the same conversation about us taking a break if there was anything else he needed to tell me and he reassured me that he hadn't done anything. Then again, this was coming from someone who couldn't properly end the relationship.......so........

[heartnsoul]

sadlygone ~ congratulations!!!

 

You're an absolute sweetheart and that was a great post Put a smile on my face!

[smile95]

However, I can only imagine that since this has happened before that subconsiously you almost know that he's gonna call again and that's more than likely why you're struggling the way you are!

 

THis is my biggest hurdle......too many outcomes can happen. Since he has called in the past, I assume he will and then I convince myself that this time is different, but then somehow I have a feeling he will again. It is draining me emotionally. I wish that he wold have actaully said we were over or dumped me instead of his normal silent treatment. At least if he would have told me, I would have been able to accept it and let go of hope. I feel like since he has done it before, he feels he can do it again. It is his pattern. The point I want to get to is knowing I can answer and not give in to the cycle. I know that i cannot, i just have to find a way to retrain my brain to know that he is not right for me and i deserve better.

 

As for wanting to know if there is somone else. You may not want to know. I think abot this ALL the time and all it does it eat me up. I have no proof or signs there was anyone else so instead of obsessing over that, I just assume there is not and never want to know if there is.

 

One of the last times we talked, he told me how much he loved me and always would and was just too busy in his life for me and that is when we tried friends. Then he still had no time but cotinued to say he loved me and I finally said in text (after he ignored me a week) that I could not be his friend.

 

 

Yes, it was LDR. Never again will I do that!

[heartnsoul]

Yeah, it sounds like he needs to be SHOWN that he can no longer do this and get away with it!! It's that 'comfort' in knowing that he can do this and get away with it that keeps the cylce alive.

 

I liked sadlygone's method....maybe we all need to look into that mirror with our own special affirmation because obvisouly, we (deep down) don't realize that we're deserving of more than this crap!!

 

I had no proof or signs of someone else either but it's just all too fishy to me. Hot than cold in just a short span of time. Bottom line is that I guess it doesn't matter either way, huh?? I just have to keep reminding myself of the things that I knew were going to be problems ie. he's an alcoholic and lives at home (at 28 yrs of age!!)

[smile95]

I know that all of us who have such great big hearts will find the right ones soon enough and will look back and be so glad we are thru with _______(insert ex's name).

[heartnsoul]

Time and patience Beth I really long for that day! At 31 yrs of age, I HOPE IT'S SOON!!!!

[smile95]

Hey I am right there with you at almost 29! They say the best things come to those who wait right???? I have been waiting a hell of a long time!!! Mine better be great (and yours too)! lol

[heartnsoul]

Mine better be great (and yours too)! lol

 

You got that right!!

[Sadlygone]

I am glad your all staying strong. We have to find our ways to fight back the power that has taken over us. Here is the approach that I think may help. Who knows, it may also make you a better person in the long run.

 

So I go to the dr. and I say, "Doc, I am a wreck. I just feel horrible and confused everyday. I barely seem to be able to have any control over myself and emotions. I know its affecting everything in my body too." After the exam, he comes back. "You were in contact with someone and they gave you a disease. It was dormant for a while, but it mutated and has progressively spread throughout your body and is affecting everything. However, luckily it has been identified. If you do not treat it properly then it will completely consume you and you will DIE. Treated properly, you will be able to heal. Although I must also say that you will never fully eradicate it but you can put it back into dormancy." Im thinking I dont want to die so I ask him to tell me what to do. He begins to tell me that there is a solution that has proven to work. But there is no timeframe. Some people have done it quickly and others take a longer time. It has been very successful, however.

 

He tells me, "First, you will need to let go of the past. Try to stop harboring thoughts of the past. Your obviously wanting to live as you are looking to the future." Okay sounds like a start.

 

Next, the dr tells me. We can treat this disease by nourishing your MIND, BODY, and SOUL because those are the areas that have been infected the most. For starters, we need to work on the mind. You are going to have to nourish your mind back to health. This disease for some reason makes you think about the past. You have to feed your mind properly. There is no exact formula because it is different for everyone. But it must be done constantly. I would recommend with getting some good sleep first. I also have this pill that will help you clear your mind every time you start thinking about the past. I must warn you that it is shortlived and you have to take it with the food the feeds your mind. When you think about the past, you are going to have to find food to take it. Be sure to have some food readily handy or find it. Also, no toxic foods, such as drugs and alcohol. Another thing I have to tell you is that you CANNOT and I repeat CANNOT have any contact with the person who transferred this to you. It is very important that you do this because you can get more of this disease from them and it will spread again.

 

To bring the body back to health, you must start eating properly. Maintain a healthy diet. Exercise will also provide nourishment for your body because it will allow healthy chemicals in your body to be released. There are different types of activity that you can participate in. Find out what works for you. Yoga, biking, and running are a few. If you feed your body properly, you can bring it back to health.

 

Finally, When the mind and body are brought back to health in rythym, this will start healing your soul. You keep getting the food that is necessary, with time, the soul will grow stronger. You will feel it working everyday and one day you will know that you have brought the disease back into its dormancy stage. It is only when the soul is healthy that you will regain your health. You have to follow this program and gather the strength, courage, and will power or it will not work. Once you stop, the soul will not get its nourishment and allow to properly heal. You have to believe in yourself.

 

I want to see you back in 60 days for a check-up.

[Sadlygone]

When all is said and done, we all don't know whether everything will still work out, right? During this time away, as long as each one of you is making efforts to improve yourself and taking steps to reach your full potential, if that time comes, you will come away a better person and may find that person to have never changed. It's possible that they haven't changed and because of the growth you made in yourself, your expectations in the future for someone may be different. Just as the past is out of our control, We cannot predict the actions of the future or control what others feel in the future. We can always hope for what may come, but why not live life to the fullest now when tomorrow could be our last. From what I gather from these posts, you have many special qualities and have beautiful hearts. Their lost.

 

***Heartnsoul - I forgot to say that I pray that you will stay strong everyday. I will pray that you too will find that peace someday. So now, when you think of breaking NC, you are assured that there is someone else who believes in you. During those difficult times, you can count on me for strength because I believe in you.

 

BTW: I am using pray generally, but if you are religious then I will pray to your higher power.

 

I propose that whenever you talk to your loved ones, ask them to keep you in their prayers. Ask your mother, best friend, aunt, who ever is there to listen. Now as your circle of support will grow, you have all these people behind you. You dont have to go through this alone because all these people love you and they will give you strength.

 

I can smile with feeling a sense of happiness (first time today in fact) that I was able to bring a smile to you. And everytime I read that you are closer to your peace, I will smile. Isn't it nice to smile once in a while now?

[Sadlygone]

Oh yeah, Also remember that nothing is permanent. The world we live in is surrounded with impermanence. Therefore, you have to learn how to make you happy. When that is accomplished (yes I say accomplishment because this is a difficult feat), you have the security knowing in yourself to be able control how you feel. You cannot rely on others to make you happy because they may not be around.

[heartnsoul]

Sadlygone

 

Your words are very comforting and I sincerely appreciate that. You seem like a genuine person who speaks from wisdom. I don't know you, however, you have a way with words that have brought me comfort.

 

It is tough and I'm having ups and downs with my emotions and find myself doubting my self worth and the sad part about that is...it's all because someone didn't want to be with me. I know I'm a good person and I know that anyone would be lucky to have me in their life! I am a genuine, caring, and loyal woman. It's just sad that as much as I know what's true about me that I'm allowing an outside (less worthy) source dictate my self worth/respect.

 

I know I will get stronger with time but I'm resisting accepting this situation for what it WAS.

 

I just want to thank you again for your support and it's nice to know that I have somewhere to go to express my feelings and frustrations.

 

Wishing you nothing but happiness and blessings ..... CC

[smile95]

heartnsoul

It is tough and I'm having ups and downs with my emotions and find myself doubting my self worth and the sad part about that is...it's all because someone didn't want to be with me.

 

I feel the same.....I am not sure how I let that happen. My mood depended on him and so did my happiness.....I hate that. Hang inthere. I am having ups and downs, but find that if i let it, the urge to call him passes and I feel ok again. I know it is har to imagine now, but everyone tells me that I WILL get better and I know you will too. I miss him and love him very much, but I know that I was in love with who I made him out to be and I will never be happy with him since he will never change. When I want to call, I ask myself why? He treated me like dirt. Right now, just to hear him say he loves me would raise my spirits, but that is what I have to change.......I cannot depend on him anymore.....i hav to depend on me.

[heartnsoul]

Hi Beth

 

It is hard and to be honest, I'm having a very emotional evening and I hate this! I don't have any urges to call. I don't have it in me to give someone else that kind of power. I'm suffering in 'silence' because I know thru his actions that it would do nothing but bring me down.

 

What is most heart breaking is that he made me feel so special when we were together. Very attentive and even proud when we were in the company of his family. Something I never really experienced before. I'm grieving the loss of feeling 'appreciated'. I'm grieving because he couldn't come to me like a man and tell me that he wanted out....instead, I was left dangling by a thread. I know all of this probably sounds fairly pathetic but it is what is is for now.

 

Bottom line is...we only have ourselves to depend on for happiness (as so many people have said) and it's the gods honest truth. We will get through this in time and I know this to be true because well, this isn't my first heart break. I'm sure it isn't yours either.