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Touching in church and judgmental comments from her friends


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Posted

Depending on your church, hand-holding or arm around shoulders during the sermon, especially by an unmarried couple, CAN be viewed as inappropriate.

 

 

IMO, if you want to figure out whether it's just the church part that's inappropriate or not, there's a very easy solution. No touching in church, but do it elsewhere. If she still complains, then you have your answer.

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Posted (edited)

So here's what happened today...

 

We got to church early because we volunteer and there's a pre-service volunteer prayer circle/meeting thing. I make a point not to have any physical contact whatsoever.

 

We mingle around before it's time to seat for service. She chats it up with some of her friends before we go in. The two who told her my arm around her and holding her hand were too much were present.

 

I go to the bathroom. When I come out, her friends are already inside. We go in. We usually sit in the second row back and her friends sit four to five rows back (which is why they can watch us). As we're walking past, they call her to sit by them, and she obliges.

 

As the pre-service worship songs play, all I can think about is a) whether her friends orchestrated this whole thing so they could manipulate her into sitting by them, and b) how this whole crap-show perfectly represents what drives so many people from church -- the judgement, the middle-school-like games, etc.

 

After worship, we sit down and I keep my hands to myself. The sermon is about God's grace and service to those less fortunate.

 

Then, it's like I couldn't have planned it any better. The female of the couple directly in front of us -- who always sits there, but we don't see because we're usually one row ahead of them -- wraps her arm around the guy. She scratches his back. She rubs his shoulders. She leans in and rests her head on him. Then they take each other's hands, not just holding hands but wrapping their arms together. You can tell they are experiencing the sermon like a couple. None of it seems sexual at all, just two people who love each other very much and are listening to a sermon about God's grace as one.

 

I can tell it's affecting my girlfriend (she keeps shifting in her seat, and squirming around like she's feeling nervous), probably on a couple levels. One, it occurs to me that her friends who were judging me for just putting my arm on the back of the chair were ignoring the fact that this couple is waaaaaay more physical than we ever were. Two, she probably feels silly for bowing to their demand that we stop touching in church when this has been going on behind us all this time!

 

In any case, about a third of the way into the sermon, my girlfriend grabs my hand and squeezes it tightly. I squeeze it back, rest my other hand on her arm, and all is good.

 

Tonight, as we were talking on the phone, she mentioned that she told her friends that we wouldn't be sitting with them anymore because we really like the second row, but "thanks, anyway."

 

So, that's where we are. I suspect next Sunday that we'll be back in the second row, holding hands and listening to the sermon as one.

 

Again, thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate it.

Edited by dice980
  • Like 1
Posted

I really like hearing that.

 

That juvenile attitude was def a reason why I ended up leaving the church. I always felt it was a bunch if insecure people passing judgement and labeling their opinions as “counsel” and “words from the lord,” and therefore justified in their gossip and verbal abuse. No thanks.

Posted
It's no mystery anymore. It's come up twice. She's tried to kind of make it because of other people because she's careful not to offend you -- but it's come up twice. So this is a very simple remedy. Stop doing any of that at church. Of course you can put your hand on her back to guider her into the pew or gentlemanly things, but do not be touchy at church. You can put your arm around the pew for a short time. You're just overdoing everything. If you're in doubt, look around and see what other men are doing. Don't go beyond that. Keep your hand off her knee at church. It's foreplay.

 

Then outside of church, keep most of your affection at home, and in general on ALL of it cut it by half. She is feeling smothered and like you're clingy, but she loves you and is careful not to hurt your feelings. It makes you seem insecure to have to claim her body all the time, and that's a position of weakness that will backfire on you. Just stop and stop worrying about it and make the change. Good luck.

 

Good grief. The OP has stated numerous times that he does not rub her knee in church. All he does is hold her hand or put his arm around her shoulder.

 

OP glad to hear your update. I don't think there is anything wrong with couples holding hands or draping an arm across the shoulders at church. I like to have physical (nonsexual) touch with my boyfriend too (don't have a bf at the moment but when I do) and I would certainly be upset if he told me I couldn't touch him because his friends don't approve.

Posted
I really like hearing that.

 

That juvenile attitude was def a reason why I ended up leaving the church. I always felt it was a bunch if insecure people passing judgement and labeling their opinions as “counsel” and “words from the lord,” and therefore justified in their gossip and verbal abuse. No thanks.

 

 

Yup, same here. Frankly it's not uncommon to see judgmental attitudes in church towards unmarried couples who are just, well, doing what couples do. There was even one pastor who preached that unmarried couples shouldn't hold hands because "why preheat the oven if you're not gonna cook?". :rolleyes:

Posted

The bottom line OP is she does not want to be touched in Church and you should honor her wishes.

Posted

That doesn’t sound like the bottom line in his update. Bottom line seems like his gf was afraid of being judged and that her friends are some petty beotches.

Posted

Also the touching is probably annoying her when she is trying to listen to the service. You don't want someone rubbing your knee or touching your back, it's distracting. That would annoy me at church as well. I certainly wouldn't want to hold hands during the service either. Why can't she have an hour and half with any touching?

Posted
That doesn’t sound like the bottom line in his update. Bottom line seems like his gf was afraid of being judged and that her friends are some petty beotches.

 

Maybe so but she still doesn't want to be touched during service, regardless of the reason.

Posted

I agree the only way to solve this is to keep your hands to yourself. There is plenty of time to hold hands/cuddle after the service.

Posted

I'm so happy to read your update!

 

It sounds like sitting behind that couple was God's will. ;)

 

hahahaha!!!

Posted

Nice update. This 40 something woman is finally growing into a woman.

Posted

I wish they would fix this website! It's so hard to read that I missed the update.

 

 

The moral of the story is....do what is in your heart if it feels right/honest, then it's what you should do.

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