shore255 Posted November 20, 2018 Posted November 20, 2018 A new colleague started at my work place in March. She's 26, I'm 7 years older. I only work with her one afternoon a week. Instant click when we met. We talk non stop (and I mean non-stop) and have a lot in common. She is quiet around everyone else. Other staff have noticed this and thought there was something going on between us so it's not my imagination. I just "get" her and she "gets" me. I've only felt this connection once before in my life with an ex-girlfriend who I split with over 5 years ago. I'll add here that she's quite shy and inexperienced and has never had a proper boyfriend, which is why I chose to move slowly. She also has self confidence issues. She says she's an introvert. About a month later, it was her birthday. I went into work especially during the week to give her a card and wrote in it that 'I was happy we'd met' and added 'with love' and it was also a really nice card (not the sort you may send to a standard colleague). The next time we worked together she said "can I give you my number so we can start texting outside of work". For her to give her number voluntarily after receiving the card I took as a positive reaction. We started texting and she's not a massive texter but we text long and detailed texts, finding out about each other, not just "how are you". The texting is sporadic in that we can chain text one week and she barely texts the next . This just seems to be how she is but face to face is always 100%. She always seems excited to be with me. Anyway, about a month went by (at work and texting) and I text and asked if she wanted to do something outside of work (didn't specify 'date' - just meet up and see how it goes). She text back straight away and said yes and I said we'd plan something when I next saw her at work. The next time at work she came in early. She works afternoons from 1.00 but she came in at 12.00 just as I was going out for lunch and she said "oh..it would be nice if you wanted to stay and sit with me and we could spend the lunch hour together". So we did. And that's something we've done every week since (just the two of us). Again very positive from her. It took a while (about another month) before we had our day out (I don't know why it took so long to plan) but we had a really lovely day. She chose where we went. We sat and talked for hours. She really opened up to me and told me all kinds of deep stuff which she clearly doesn't spill out often. She said she wanted me in her life forever and I felt she meant it. Well by now everyone thinks we are already dating and we are forever being told off at work for basically talking solid through every shift. She's coming in early. I'm staying over after. But I don't want to push anything as I can see she's shy and generally a little anxious. So then I ask her if she wants to go out again and she said yes. Except when we are planning it, the conversation takes a diversion and she tells me she's online dating and has met someone who she really likes. I said I had no idea she had been online dating and she said "yes - for 3 months". I am shocked and said "how often do you see him??". She then goes on to say "oh I've never met him, we speak online". I asked if it concerned her that after 3 months they haven't met and she said she had planned to meet him soon but she works 4 days a week (so not even full time) and hasn't had chance (I'm like sorry - haven't had chance LOL .. that's keen?!) If she was keen she'd have met him. She then told me she had no idea I liked her in that way (which I'm sorry is rubbish unless she's stupid) and the reason she can't be my girlfriend is I'm too old but she really wants us to remain close. I can't believe she didn't know I liked her. Because in all honesty I treated her like a girlfriend (compared to my other girl mates). It couldn't have been more obvious if even everyone at work thought we were already dating. Her online date appeared to go nowhere and she came off the site. I took a step back and acted cold for a week and she came to me visibly upset asking if we could talk (as it was clear I'd taken a step back). We spoke, nothing really was resolved, we agreed to carry on as we were (assume platonic) and she asked if I would hold her. I did. And that was that. And things carried on as normal but I never suggested meeting up again for the time being, just spend the time at work, before and after shift (which is still 100%). Then last week she initiates this and says out of the blue "can we go out again?". We discuss where and I say I'll text to let her know when I'm free. I do text her but she just keeps saying she will let me know and she's looking forward to it so I'm here today wondering just where is this leading. I personally feel there's a problem either with her homelife (something she doesn't want me to know or doesn't want her family to know about me) or she wants a boyfriend but she's actually too scared to go through with anything, perhaps because of extreme anxiety. Perhaps she felt safe with online dating as she didn't actually have to go thorugh with meeting anyone. Because I have to say (and all the staff have told me) for someone who says she doesn't like me, she doing a damn fine job of showing that she does like me. She gave me her number, she started the arrangement of coming in early and staying after shift and she now initiated meeting. It's like we get on 100% and then a barrier comes down. Everyone at work who sees us together says it's obvious she likes me, she virtually lives in my pocket, and my gut instinct said she liked me from the first moment we met but I'm worried because I feel even as friends if she leaves work (which she may do as it's not a permanent contract) I question whether I'd ever see her again as she seems so flaky with or without reason? Can anyone be so naive, so inexperienced at her age, 26? If she really is not interested why is she doing nothing to discourage me when it is clear I am still interested, why is she still texting, why is she still coming in early and staying after shift with me. Hardly pushing me away? Why won't she meet up outside of work (even when she was the one who initiated it?). What could be going on that she's not being straight with me about? Thank you for reading.
Garcon1986 Posted November 20, 2018 Posted November 20, 2018 You've been doing a lot of good things here, and been dating her since March. I would have a chat in regards to setting boundaries. You might say something like - we've known each other for a long time, where do you see our relationship going, and how does the other guy figure into the equation? She should be able to give you a straight answer. You should be able to share your boundaries without fear of a temper tantrum from her at this point. She is a little remiss for saying I didn't know we were in a relationship, but I don't see any mention here of anything physical? That may have confused her. The lesson to learn here is to trust what a women does, not necessarily what she says.
PRW Posted November 20, 2018 Posted November 20, 2018 (edited) Oh so many layers to the onion. Where to begin? A new colleague started at my work place in March. She's 26, I'm 7 years older. I only work with her one afternoon a week. Instant click when we met. We talk non stop (and I mean non-stop) and have a lot in common. She is quiet around everyone else. Other staff have noticed this and thought there was something going on between us so it's not my imagination. I just "get" her and she "gets" me. I've only felt this connection once before in my life with an ex-girlfriend who I split with over 5 years ago. Well that is the fantasy you have created. Even you aren't sure about it, that is why to tossed in that your co-workers "noticed" as a kind of affirmation for you. I'll add here that she's quite shy and inexperienced and has never had a proper boyfriend, which is why I chose to move slowly. She also has self confidence issues. She says she's an introvert.You are the one who lacks experience here,...not her. It is your lack of experience and the behavor that goes along with it that causes her to behave in the way that you interpret her as being inexperience. We started texting and she's not a massive texter That means she texts "normal" and you are over texting. but we text long and detailed texts, finding out about each other, not just "how are you". The phone is for setting dates,...not for "getting to know" someone. Anyway, about a month went by (at work and texting) and I text and asked if she wanted to do something outside of work (didn't specify 'date' - just meet up and see how it goes). She text back straight away and said yes and I said we'd plan something when I next saw her at work.So much wrong here. You danced around her in a circle for a month and the best you could come up with was asking about what she thought of a date,...instead of just making a date. Then to make matters worse, when she said she liked the idea you wanted her to help you plan it ("we" instead of "I") The next time at work she came in early. She works afternoons from 1.00 but she came in at 12.00 just as I was going out for lunch and she said "oh..it would be nice if you wanted to stay and sit with me and we could spend the lunch hour together". So we did. And that's something we've done every week since (just the two of us). Again very positive from her. Friend Zone written all over that. It took a while (about another month) before we had our day out (I don't know why it took so long to plan) but we had a really lovely day. She chose where we went. We sat and talked for hours. She really opened up to me and told me all kinds of deep stuff which she clearly doesn't spill out often. She said she wanted me in her life forever and I felt she meant it. You don't know why it took so long? It took so long because of you being so passive. Then to make it worse, she had to choose where to go!!! For hours? The date should only be a couple hours and both parties need to end the date while still wanting a bit more,...it sets you up for the next one. The "in her life forever" just sounds like something out of some movie,...she probably means "as a friend" because women typically don't dump "friends" But I don't want to push anything as I can see she's shy and generally a little anxious. You're problem is you haven't been pushing anything at all. That makes her unsure of you as a man. She isn't shy. So then I ask her if she wants to go out again and she said yes. Except when we are planning it, the conversation takes a diversion and she tells me she's online dating and has met someone who she really likes. Could have told you that was coming. I said I had no idea she had been online dating and she said "yes - for 3 months". I am shocked and said "how often do you see him??".Weak response. I asked if it concerned her that after 3 months they haven't met and she said Buy you weren't worried that she didn't have the same concerns for you that took nearly as long to ever get to a first date. she had planned to meet him soon but she works 4 days a week (so not even full time) and hasn't had chance (I'm like sorry - haven't had chance LOL .. that's keen?!) If she was keen she'd have met him.She is telling you that it isn't too late for you if you ever get your act together,...but it might be too late soon. She then told me she had no idea I liked her in that way (which I'm sorry is rubbish unless she's stupid) and the reason she can't be my girlfriend is I'm too old but she really wants us to remain close. I can't believe she didn't know I liked her. Because in all honesty I treated her like a girlfriend (compared to my other girl mates). It couldn't have been more obvious if even everyone at work thought we were already dating.You could have had in in the bag at the begining. But you handled it like a "schoolboy" instead of a "man". Her online date appeared to go nowhere and she came off the site.Typical. That is why you should have never even been concerned about it,...instead of being "shocked". She isn't your GF, nor is she anyone's GF yet. The whole OLD thing should have meant nothing to you. Then last week she initiates this and says out of the blue "can we go out again?".It means that in spite of all your screw ups she is still attracted to you. I personally feel there's a problem either with her homelife (something she doesn't want me to know or doesn't want her family to know about me) or she wants a boyfriend but she's actually too scared to go through with anything,OMG! No, her problem is that she has a guy who is too scared (and now butt-hurt) to go through with anything. Can anyone be so naive, so inexperienced at her age, 26?You are describing yourself at 33. Hardly pushing me away? Why won't she meet up outside of work (even when she was the one who initiated it?Offer a specific date with a specific day/time/place. Present it as an offer, not a "question". Don't ask her to help you plan it,...do your job. You are 33 yo and during this whole thing you acted like you were 16yo. She is 26 and during this whole time she acted like she was,...well,...maybe 24. You are expecting the woman to "drive" the whole thing and "guide" you through everything. All of your actions are a constant "response" to whatever you think her feelings are or aren't. You ought to be having the attitude that you are the "leader" in the situation and you are offering to her the opportunity to spend time with you and to show you that she has value to you. But that is the complete opposite of what you are doing,...she will never feel safe and protected by you. If she doesn't feel safe and protected by you then it is a matter of time before she grabs onto a "badboy" that comes along that makes her feel like he is a leader and she feels safe and protected by him. Get Corey Wayne's book, "How to be a 3% Man". Then memorize it. Edited November 20, 2018 by PRW
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