pearlsasinger Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 My boyfriend and I broke up for a 6 month period, in which we were still friends. He ended up sleeping with our mutual friend, at a point where he thought we wouldn't get back together. This friend was very manipulative. She would keep reporting back to both of us, trying to make us jealous and mad at one another. She told him about me hanging out with another guy and said she thought he was my new boyfriend (NOT TRUE AT ALL). Then she told me that my ex was planning to hook up with this girl and another time that he had a girl over to hang out, which always left me in tears by the end of the night. I finally had the guts to tell her I was NOT ready to hear that. Not surprisingly, this caused a fight between my ex and I. We were both jealous and hurt to hear all this stuff we were not ready to hear and didn't want to hear about! This friend knew I was confused about the breakup and she pretended to be sympathetic. I tried to tell her at one point that I really missed him and thought I maybe wanted him back. But it was like she pretended not to hear or changed the subject. Now I know why. Now that I know they slept together, it makes me sick. I know we broke up (mutual, long story) and he was free to do what he wanted and she was single and free to do what she wanted... But if she were truly my friend and respected me, would she of hurt me like this? (Trust me, I've had it out with my boyfriend already about it, who says he really regrets it.) I feel like everything about her now is so fake. I'm disgusted. (I know in the past she's cheated on her boyfriend with his friends.) Now she keeps calling me and I don't want anything to do with her! I was thinking of writing an email just saying I know what happened, he said it was just as much him as you, but I feel so disrespected and hurt by this. Please do not contact me. What do you guys think I should do? I know I should stand up for myself and not let her walk on me, at least by letting her know I know what happened, but I am dreading the confrontation. How much of a right do I have to be upset? Worst part is my boyfriend has signed a contract to rent her parents apartment next semester and I will be over most nights. The whole place reminds me of her. She was my friend for 7 years and now I'm not sure I can ever be her friend again.
JS17 Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 What kind of friend does that? They would be no friend of mine. You have every right to feel betrayed and you should stand up to her. She clearly has no ability to understand boundaries nor how to be a friend. I don't know if it's too much to ask but can your boyfriend find another place to live? I think you're well within your rights to ask. Honestly, I wouldn't deal with this.
RainyDayWoman Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 What kind of friend does that? They would be no friend of mine. You have every right to feel betrayed and you should stand up to her. She clearly has no ability to understand boundaries nor how to be a friend. I don't know if it's too much to ask but can your boyfriend find another place to live? I think you're well within your rights to ask. Honestly, I wouldn't deal with this. exactly what i think. people like this are often extremely selfish and immature. who wants that in their lives anyway? isn't it like an unwritten rule that you don't date/sleep with friends' exes? i am sorry for your situation, and i hope it clears up in way that makes YOU feel happy and satisfied.
Author pearlsasinger Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 Thanks for listening. I don't want to confide in my friends, because I really don't want them to judge my boyfriend and our relationship. (They probably wouldn't want me to get back together with him if they knew. But I know being with him is what I want.) I've already thoroughly expressed to him how much what he did hurts me and he said he feels horrendously guilty. I don't know if it's too much to ask but can your boyfriend find another place to live? I think you're well within your rights to ask. Honestly, I wouldn't deal with this. Don't I wish. He signed a contract with her parents who are the landlords and it is only for a single semester. I think it would also be difficult to find another apartment so close to my parents' house, where i live, and at the last minute. But I will throw it out there to him and see what he says. It would just be really hard knowing that the apartment is where it all went down. Probably harder than I can anticipate. Blah. Thankfully, she has moved away to go to law school so I don't plan on seeing her ever again. I've never been in situation like this where I felt the need to completely end a friendship. It's weird. Why do people think doing things like this are okay as long as they aren't caught? It's no okay either way. I'm going to muster my courage and try to email her this week. Something short and to the point. My boyfriend keeps apologizing for putting me in this position, and says he's sorry I lost a friend out of it...but as far as I'm concerned, now that I've seen her true colors, she's no friend of mine or ever was.
RainyDayWoman Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 My boyfriend keeps apologizing for putting me in this position, and says he's sorry I lost a friend out of it...but as far as I'm concerned, now that I've seen her true colors, she's no friend of mine or ever was. but he did it too....he should have known better than to sleep with your friend just as your friend should have known better than to sleep with him... so why can you forgive him more easily than her?
Merin Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Even if this "Friend" of yours hadn't slept with your BF IMO she STILL WASN'T being a Friend to you when she continued to stir the pot of bad feelings and emotions between you and your BF after the 2 of you had broke up. She knew you were hurting, she knew you were confused and she was not trying to help you... not to mention IF she really believed that sleeping with your BF was okay for her to do why then didn't she tell you about it herself? Hell nah! Friends do NOT do this. I would NOT remain Friends with this Girl
Author pearlsasinger Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 people like this are often extremely selfish and immature. who wants that in their lives anyway? True. Why couldn't she have just banged one of the other 15 guys rotating in her rolodex?! Why did it have to be this one! It's definitely ruined both of our friendships with her. And to think that she's the one who introduced us. It's just weird and still shocking to me. isn't it like an unwritten rule that you don't date/sleep with friends' exes? That's what I thought too. A common respect. i am sorry for your situation, and i hope it clears up in way that makes YOU feel happy and satisfied. Thanks, me too. I think I'm getting there. Maybe I'll feel better once I email her and get these thoughts out of my system.
bluechocolate Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 I wouldn't even bother with the email if I were you - she's not worth the effort & she'll find a way to use it against you. Just write her off & make sure he does too. Next time she calls just tell her that you've outgrown the friendship you once had together & wish her the best in the future. As for the apartment business - it sounds like you're just going to have to deal with it for the first semester. Get a commitment from him to be in a different place when the lease runs out. so why can you forgive him more easily than her? Maybe because he apologised, admitted he was wrong & asked for forgiveness?
JS17 Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Maybe because he apologised, admitted he was wrong & asked for forgiveness? That and it sounds as if the friend manipulated both the P and her bf. They are both victims of her atrociousness. I agree with BC, one semester, suck it up, make sure you try to spend your time together at your place instead of his and get a firm commitment from him to move out at the end of the semester.
Author pearlsasinger Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 but he did it too....he should have known better than to sleep with your friend just as your friend should have known better than to sleep with him... so why can you forgive him more easily than her? I know...I guess part of it is that he was better friends with this girl than I was. He thinks of her as his friend, not his ex-girlfriend's friend. He said he would've never slept with any of my other friends. Still wrong, I know. Another reason was that I also did my fair share of things I wasn't proud of as well. Also, for the most part the break up was mutual, but I finalized it and wasn't talking to him at this point. But I think most importantly...the real reason why I can fogive him more easily is because I love him...and I truly believe he regrets it, is truly sorry, and ashamed of his behavior.
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