hrnm0309 Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 I [25 F] have dated my boyfriend [25 M] for nearly two years. Four years prior to dating, we met by chance and went through periods of hanging out and hooking up but just weren't in the right position to start dating until two years ago. In the honeymoon phase, everything was fun. We were over the moon finally being together. Within two months, he told me he loved me and wanted to live together, so he moved in. Even his parents were thrown by this because he has never told them or anyone else the L word. Until this point, I hadn't really seen his depression manifest. I knew he'd been hospitalized for a suicide attempt at 19, but I thought I could handle him. He began having panic attacks, saying he "wasn't good enough" and would go through bouts of depression where he wouldn't get out of bed. I helped him through the best I could, and he would tell me that without me, there was no him - that he loved me more than he loved himself. This was my first big red flag. In December of last year, he told me that his 8 years of bartending were getting to be too much for him, and that he was considering quitting his job and going back to school. Of course, I offered to help him go to school and help him with his bills because I wanted the best for him. I wanted him to have the opportunities I did. Both my parents passed away from cancer a few years apart, but they left me their estate - the house I grew up in with a large sum of money. I used this money to begin helping him out and have done so since. My boyfriend convinced me to begin working on the house, and reluctantly (because of the memories of my family), I agreed because even though it needed a LOT of work, it was paid off. My boyfriend got through his first semester of school fine, but on his second semester, his depression began getting worse. He stopped going to classes I was paying for. He began taking his anger out on me. This year, I completed a one year RN nursing school program that has been the hardest thing I've ever done. My boyfriend has began emphasizing that he needs a therapist and psychiatrist, that he needs to be on medicine, and I agree. However, when I push him to go, he comes up with excuses ("they're going to drug test me, and I'll turn up positive for marijuana"), and I feel completely at a loss. It is both something he needs yet avoids like the plague. As of now, I've finished RN school and I'm trying to focus my attention on helping him, but he fluctuates between putting me on a pedestal and devaluing me to the point I'm lost and am reaching to internet strangers for help. He has two extremes: the first are the days he holds me, tells me he's never letting me go, helps around the house without being asked, says I'm the only thing that makes him happy and the only person that can handle him. The second are days like today, days where he tells me the hot water in the shower isn't working, so when I go to check myself, he yells at me that I'm "disrespectful as f*ck and don't trust him, don't love him, don't listen to him, and went to check the hot water out of pettiness," that he's put up with me for two years, and that he wakes up every day in this house miserable. He throws his clothes out of the closet and says he's leaving me and shortly after plans to kill himself. I write this sitting on my front porch alone, in tears. I give to him in hopes for better days, but I'm only losing myself. I will admit my blame in enabling him. I don't want to believe he just uses me, but that sometimes feels like the truth. I feel neglected. I'm not sexually satisfied. I feel like if I could get him mental help, things might could get better. I feel like it's my responsibility to pull him out of this hole I feel partly to blame by digging. What do I do?
lurker74 Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 Your BF is not the only one that needs to see a therapist. You should go now yourself. Today if possible. Living with depression is not easy at all. The first thing you have to understand is that you CANNOT fix it. You cannot cheer him up and no amount of hope will get him out of it. Neither will he be able to fix it. It either goes away on its own or he gets help to banish it. And even then, it will likely come back at times. Depression must be weathered, not beaten. Having said that, the second thing you should understand is that it is perfectly OK and good for you to demand he get help. Nicely if possible but firmly. Many who are depressed don't want to but they NEED it. As his SO, you have a right to expect that he do something. You cannot demand results but you can expect action. Having said that, it might not work out the way you want. The sexual component may never be satisfying because depression takes away libido often but so does many of the medications. So you have to ask yourself what you want. And for that, I return to the top. Go see a therapist and figure that out because you are mired in a feeling of responsibility and love and doubt that will make figuring out that yourself very difficult. Good luck <3 1
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