She said she needs space

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you think I was being needy or do you think I was doomed from the get go as a rebound or the ex had already showed back up? I feel like a complete fool if I pushed her away trying to figure out what was going on with her sudden anxious/stressed/depressed state.

 

Yes, this. He had already come back once and she left you, and I believe that's exactly what happened again.

 

The behaviour you describe isn't needy on your part. A woman who is in love with you would generally welcome your efforts to help her out. You knew something was wrong when you started to ask her if she was alright. Your behaviour isn't what broke this - it was the fact that you were her rebound and she wasn't over her ex.

 

It's sometimes easier to blame ourselves in situations like this, because it brings us some semblance of power when we feel powerless in the face of a breakup. Thinking, "if I had just done X, Y or Z, she would still be here...so, if I can prove to her that I can do X, Y and Z, maybe she will come back!" That is flawed thinking in cases like this, because it doesn't take into account the very tangible evidence that she was still into this other guy.

[gcp]

I believe this is the 3rd time they have broken up and gotten back together in a 2 year span, the longest gap being the 6 months we dated... is it spiteful that part of me wants it to crash and burn again. If not with me, she could still do better.

Edited December 4, 2018 by gcp

[bathtub-row]

I believe this is the 3rd time they have broken up and gotten back together in a 2 year span, the longest gap being the 6 months we dated... is it spiteful that part of me wants it to crash and burn again. If not with me, she could still do better.

 

Don’t worry. It will crash and burn.

[ExpatInItaly]

I believe this is the 3rd time they have broken up and gotten back together in a 2 year span, the longest gap being the 6 months we dated... is it spiteful that part of me wants it to crash and burn again. If not with me, she could still do better.

 

You're human. It's normal for you to feel that way.

 

But hopefully you have learned your lesson from all of this mess, too. That's the most important takeaway here.

[gcp]

I learned a lot.

 

1) I will never put someone thru what she just did. Meaning I will be completely honest with someone if I am not emotionally ready.

 

2) No more dating women who are fresh out of relationships

 

3) No dating women who have clinical anxiety/depression

 

4) No dating women who show signs of jumping from relationship to relationship, if they can't stand to be alone with themselves for a while then I probably can't stand to be with them.

 

5) Trust my gut, when something feels off, it probably is.

 

6) No more second chances, if they leave for someone else, especially an ex, thats it, I am no longer in their life.

 

7) I will not let myself love someone more than they are willing to love me.

 

Theres more, but those are the main ones.

[BMWN52]

I learned a lot.

 

1) I will never put someone thru what she just did. Meaning I will be completely honest with someone if I am not emotionally ready.

 

2) No more dating women who are fresh out of relationships

 

3) No dating women who have clinical anxiety/depression

 

4) No dating women who show signs of jumping from relationship to relationship, if they can't stand to be alone with themselves for a while then I probably can't stand to be with them.

 

5) Trust my gut, when something feels off, it probably is.

 

6) No more second chances, if they leave for someone else, especially an ex, thats it, I am no longer in their life.

 

7) I will not let myself love someone more than they are willing to love me.

 

Theres more, but those are the main ones.

 

Hey man, I know we've talked before in your other thread. Just understand that you were just " too good" to this gal. I sit here almost every day blaming myself for the departure of my ex-fiance and the other girl recently who dumped me. The thing is were " nice guys" you've most likely heard that phrase a few times in your life before things ended. Now.. I'm not saying we have to change be an ******* to women in the future. But, I read your other comment where you asked if " everything was okay". That's exactly what I said to the other girl and then she just unloaded onto me with the whole " You're a nice guy but" routine. Asking them that is an insecure signal to them where you've just given them the upper hand to spill any grievances in the relationship. Bad move.. I knew something was up because she was " pulling back".

 

I think you've illustrated alot of what you've learned above. Some people say that relationships like these above show you what you don't want in a person. It sucks that it has to be the "school of hard knocks way". But now you can see what to look for in the future. My life hasn't been easy either. All you can do is pick yourself up and move on. In the military, they have a saying for that FIDO **** it drive on. Or " Charlie Mike" Continue Mission, embrace the suck.

 

Just be glad it wasn't a " dear john" letter overseas or something. My buddy who is an infantry officer 1st LT, got dumped by his ex 2 years ago. He's still not over her, she dumped him for a Filipino guy with a felony conviction. Sometimes women like the above make strange moves for " low hanging fruit". If she married my friend she would have access to TriCare health insurance, GI bill for the kids, for college. You name it. There he was completely devastated, drinking and suicidal.

 

Guys like us, need things in an " analog format". If you think just being " nice", a good provider, putting them up in an apartment and being attentive is good enough. It's not. I haven't cheated or anything in relationships since I was 23 years old. By definition a " good guy".

 

My ex-fiance dumped me right before I went out on a training exercise. Super hard to stay focused, then be isolated in a remote military base. She came from a military family and still pulled that maneuver on me. Truth be told I know soldiers who have a " secret" place to stay before they see their wives or gf. They have to decompress back into the civilian world. Anyways, she took me back after that ordeal but eventually ended up dumping me again in May.

 

Were both 31, obviously not where I wanted to be in terms of life or relationships. I still think about both of them every day as " ghosts" in my mind. All we can do is move forward and become the " best" versions of ourselves and drive on. Show them they made a mistake.

Edited December 6, 2018 by BMWN52

[fromheart]

 

My ex-fiance dumped me right before I went out on a training exercise. Super hard to stay focused, then be isolated in a remote military base.

 

Though I've never been in the military, I have worked at sea. I told my gf at the time, if there's any complications in the relationship while I'm away, the relationship will have to end, as if my mind is not focused then someone could quite literally die. I told her that if she's not down with me being away for long months I would fully understand if she went with someone else instead.

 

On one occasion, she started to get complicated for no reason so I ended it, for the safety of ship and crew. She was back a few days later.

 

When I made my job the priority, she never thought about ending it or going with someone else.

 

The I made the mistake on coming home, of making a home with her the priority. Turned to sh#t pretty quickly, she became abusive, controlling and moaned that I was always available.

 

All of our purposes as men must come first, be it at sea, on the battlefield or at work. If a woman doesn't compliment that, she has to go. Its not being a 'bad boy,' its just making sure life is as secure and sane as possible. Women respect you more for that, then being some dishwasher who's in touch with his 'feminine side.'

[nolanola]

My two cents, as a woman: This woman did not break up with you because you were "too needy" or "too nice". She broke up with you because she is unfortunately involved in a circuitous relationship with her ex and can't seem to break away from him for good. Just like someone up thread said, this most recent reconciliation between them will crash and burn. It will. And there is a decent chance that she will come back to you once that happens.

 

Please do not become hardened that you have to be some kind of jerk to keep a relationship going. Mature women that want a good relationship are not going to knock you for showing concern for them, admitting that you care about them, or showing a "weak" side. Immature women that are manipulative and stuck on their ex boyfriends might -- but do you really want that type of woman?

 

You cared about this woman. That is not a crime. You didn't do anything wrong other than try to love her the best you could. We all sit around and wonder if we could have done things differently and I think that's totally normal and expected. I'm doing the same thing. It's ok to think about your behavior and own it to an extent. If you were cruel to her, or dishonest, or spiteful, then fine...those are things that you should think about trying to change. But if you went into your behavior with the intention of caring about her well-being then you have no reason to be ashamed or upset with yourself. That is a defect in HER -- that she could not accept your love because she's too wrapped up in her ex -- not in you.

[gcp]

My two cents, as a woman: This woman did not break up with you because you were "too needy" or "too nice". She broke up with you because she is unfortunately involved in a circuitous relationship with her ex and can't seem to break away from him for good. Just like someone up thread said, this most recent reconciliation between them will crash and burn. It will. And there is a decent chance that she will come back to you once that happens.

 

Please do not become hardened that you have to be some kind of jerk to keep a relationship going. Mature women that want a good relationship are not going to knock you for showing concern for them, admitting that you care about them, or showing a "weak" side. Immature women that are manipulative and stuck on their ex boyfriends might -- but do you really want that type of woman?

 

You cared about this woman. That is not a crime. You didn't do anything wrong other than try to love her the best you could. We all sit around and wonder if we could have done things differently and I think that's totally normal and expected. I'm doing the same thing. It's ok to think about your behavior and own it to an extent. If you were cruel to her, or dishonest, or spiteful, then fine...those are things that you should think about trying to change. But if you went into your behavior with the intention of caring about her well-being then you have no reason to be ashamed or upset with yourself. That is a defect in HER -- that she could not accept your love because she's too wrapped up in her ex -- not in you.

 

 

This morning I actually for the first time in my life sought professional help, yes, I saw a counselor. Basically to just get it all of my chest and see what a professional who sees this kind of stuff on the daily would have to say.

 

He basically said the same thing. He noted it seems like she has a very difficult time coping with stress, coupled with her self admitted low self esteem, anxiety, and her controlling/abusive ex, it was the perfect storm. He said sadly he sees it all the time, and that she has emotional maturing to do before she can have a healthy relationship. And he also noted she may very well try to come back into my life at some point and he advised me that I set some boundaries right now.

[nolanola]

Good for you, gcp!!! I'm working on boundaries too. They are very hard for me. Going NC was setting a boundary and it was really tough for me. Sticking to it is a boundary too. My therapist says that setting boundaries is like any other skill -- it's going to feel really weird and uncomfortable until you get practice.

 

I'm seeing a therapist as well. It helps. Once your friends get sick of hearing you talk about it, it helps to have someone that has to listen.

 

Hang in there. No on knows what the future holds and that helps me sometimes. I hope your ex will seek growth for herself but if she doesn't, I hope you will and find someone that knows she wants to be with you.

[gcp]

Sad thing is, she won't, not if she keeps going back to this on again off again relationship with her ex. Its familiar though, so its her fall back when adversity happens. And also none of her family or close friends support the relationship so I seem some conflict in the future. But thats none of my business now.

 

I'm scheduled to go back on the 20th. And as of now, I still feel a little dead inside so dating is not on the table. Honestly, still hung up on her. I loved her, the first woman I honestly wanted to spend my life with up until all of this happened. Hell, we almost brought a child into this world. Until my love for her fades I will just try to keep busy and know that someday I'll have a beautiful, caring woman who wants to spend her life with me too.

[HowTheHeck]

I was taken in by your situation, GCP. Mine is quite different but the outcome is the same: how could someone give up (or, more accurate, throw away) someone so wonderful?

 

In doing research, which includes watching a lot of YouTube videos by relationship therapists (Craig Kenneth is great), I discovered that I am a (recovered) anxious attachment love style, and that my ex is a full-throttled "avoidant" attachment love style. It is NOT a good mix, and it sounds like that's what you have going on. You sound more secure than anxious but there might be some anxious style there, and she is avoidant.

 

Our relationship worked for nearly 6 years because I gave him space (as if I was a "secure" attachment-love style), but I didn't make demands in the relationship that I should have made (not quite secure enough).

 

Long story short, he dumped me after nearly 6 years for someone else, and I am absolutely devastated. It came out of the blue, so I was blindsided, and it came a week after a perfectly normal dinner date. He TEXTED me that he wanted space, and I was taken back by his cowardice in doing that by TEXT!

 

TEXTING IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP INFORMATION IS UNACCEPTABLE! I don't care what anyone says, young or old. It is UNACCEPTABLE.

 

Because it simply didn't make sense that he wanted time off from my NON-needy and quite independent but healthy behavior toward him, I started looking around and found that he was getting to know a woman in the next state. Now, they are dating (as much as a long-distance relationship can be "dating;" it probably serves his avoidant style perfectly).

 

So, read up on anxious/avoidant relationships. I think you'll have your answer.

[gcp]

Had a tough day today. I guess her mom forgot to take me off the facebook invite list for their family xmas party, and I received the invite. I sent her mom a nice message basically saying I wasn't sure if she was aware or not but her daughter broke up with me after thanksgiving and that I dont think I will be making it, but wished her a happy holiday.

 

She replied saying she was so sorry about this, and that she is not happy about it. She also said I did nothing wrong and thanked me for treating her daughter the way she deserved to be treated.

 

It was like another twist of the knife in my heart, but it also made me feel a little better, like I can hold my head high. I was a good man to her and it was noticed. I hope that exchange doesn't count as breaking NC. I still have not sent anything to her since nov 29.

[bathtub-row]

While I can imagine that must’ve really made you feel lousy to get that invite, what your ex’s mother said to you was great! Yes, you can walk away with your head held high. That means a lot!

[gcp]

While I can imagine that must’ve really made you feel lousy to get that invite, what your ex’s mother said to you was great! Yes, you can walk away with your head held high. That means a lot!

 

Yes, I thought it was sweet of her too. She HATES him, because my now ex told her what he did to her, and how after she started dating me he was basically stalking her and harassing her to the point she blocked him on everything... now they're together LOL. I am actually to the point where I can laugh at the situation and just think to mysefl "lol what in the actual F***"

 

Still going to the gym, bought a snowboard and will be getting back into that, used to go a lot when I was younger, and still hunting with my father and little brother on the weekends.

 

18 days since break up text and day 12 of NC, and I am actually feeling better than I thought I would. Talking with the counselor helped and just knowing I didn't do anything wrong, she just has some emotional issues that I can't fix.

 

There is hope people! Just smile and do you, she'll notice and hopefully regret letting me go, but I think I'll be glad she did!

[bathtub-row]

Good to hear. You’re a good guy and deserve someone who appreciates that.

[gcp]

Today is rough, I have good days and bad days. And last night and this morning I got into my own head, analyzing everything.

 

Timeline summary:

May-Sept: Things are great, spending time together, amazing sex, taking fun road trips together, meeting each others families. Both really happy and "in love"

 

Sept 22nd-Oct7: This is when we find out shes pregnant, and miscarriage happens on september 25th. Due to the grief, stress, and obvious physical aspects going on with her in this process we have ZERO intimacy, no sex at all.

 

Oct 8-24: We are intimate once during this period, then she leaves on her sisters bachelorette party trip for a week, and I too am out of town on a trip.

 

Oct 28-Nov1: We are both back, go to a movie together, she appears very stress, anxious during movie and afterwards tells me she felt like she was going have a panic attack. We have sex that night. That would be the last time we have any intimacy.

 

Nov2-Nov10: She tells me she is on her period, first one since miscarriage.

 

Nov11: Tells me that she wasn't actually on her period that week, but that she thought she was pregnant AGAIN. She had been getting blood work done weekly since miscarriage in Sept and her pregnancy hormone levels were still not back to zero, infact they were dropping slower than normal. She thought she got pregnant again when we had sex first time since her miscarriage, her doctor thought she was just one of those rare cases where the levels drop slower than normal. She said she was going to surprise me on Christmas if she was actually pregnant again.

 

Nov 12 - 14: No intimacy, she seems very stressed, anxiety, depressed. And to be honest I am at this point uneasy making any advances when shes dealing with all of this.

 

Nov 15: She actually has her first period since miscarriage. She is still acting distant, stressed, depressed. Just very foggy/confused and closed off to me.

 

Nov 16: I ask if shes happy, she asks for space.

 

Nov 25: She breaks up with me over text message saying she doesn't know why she emotionally withdrew from me but she did, and that she needed to be alone for a while and couldn't invest in the relationship anymore. 3 days later she is back with her ex.

 

Now I feel like maybe my lack of trying to be intimate pushed her away, or made her feel less attracted to me. She did a couple times mention that we had only had sex twice in the last month, but I was under the impression she was 1) still miscarrying and then after that 2) on her period. So I would have felt like a slime ball trying to pressure her into sex when I thought she wasn't comfortable. And the moment after she breaks if off with me, she is back with her ex having sex with him.

 

Huge ego blow, I feel very inadequate, even though I know when we were on it was amazing and I believe she felt the same based on what she would say and her actions. But once this troubled time hit, and our intimacy dropped I feel like her mind wandered to her ex and that in some way she wanted sex with him more than me or I wasn't fulfilling her needs in that way. Its a mind F. And it makes me feel very unattractive. I'm not bad in bed but now I'm feeling pretty insecure about it all.

 

Her sisters wedding is this weekend, the one I was supposed to be her date too. Now she will be there with our mutual friends, her family, and her ex who her parents do not like at all. And that really sucks, not for her, but for me.

Edited December 13, 2018 by gcp

[ExpatInItaly]

This is why you need to walk away the FIRST time a girl breaks up with you for her ex. She was never really over him.