d0nnivain Posted November 25, 2018 Posted November 25, 2018 I'm sorry you are hurting but at least now you have a clean break. I'm sure it was a combination of things, including the miscarriage. It's nothing you did or didn't do. At least this way you are no longer in limbo.
Author gcp Posted November 26, 2018 Author Posted November 26, 2018 So what now, I feel terrible if she is dealing with depression, anxiety, grief. And not saying they clouded her mind and maybe made her jump to a rash decision but it is possible. Do I go NC and if she reaches out to talk more about this let her? We never really discussed the end, and she didn’t mention wanting to work on things in the text, she said she just needs some serious alone time. (Maybe to get her head right) or she found someone else (me speculating). She said she doesn’t know why but she had began to emotionally withdraw from me and our relationship.
d0nnivain Posted November 26, 2018 Posted November 26, 2018 She broke up with you. Do not contact her. Since you still think you want to reconcile, IF she calls you, then and only then can you talk. You can't initiate. At this point you have to do whatever you need to do to heal from both of these losses. 1
bathtub-row Posted November 26, 2018 Posted November 26, 2018 I agree with the above. If she contacts you, then talk to her. Otherwise, leave her alone.
Author gcp Posted November 27, 2018 Author Posted November 27, 2018 This is the break up text i received on saturday afteroon: "Hey *name*. Hope you're having a good weekend so far. The last thing I want to do is hurt you...and I wanted to talk to you last night about things but just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's been an emotional couple days to say the least. I appreciate you understanding that I need space, and being supportive enough to give me that. I can't pinpoint why or when I started distancing myself emotionally from you or us, but I did and I'm having one heck of a time understanding why. All I know is that I can't be in this relationship with you right now. It would be unfair of me to ask you to wait around and to give me space for who knows how long, and so as hard as it is, I can't be with you at this point. I'm sure you don't quite understand how I could feel like this after what we've been through, and I wish I could better explain myself... but I can't. I need some serious me time for my own well-being. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I'm so, so sorry I can't give that to you at this point.
bathtub-row Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 It sounds like she really loves you but is in serious need of alone time right now, and she doesn’t want to think that you’re waiting in the wings. Did you respond to her text?
Author gcp Posted November 27, 2018 Author Posted November 27, 2018 Basically told her that I wish we could have talked about this before it got to this point, and that the last month had taken an emotional toll on the both of us. Wished her the best and told her if she ever got to the point where she felt she could talk about it to get a hold of me but that I would leave her alone in the mean time. BUT, also notice last night she started following her emotionally abusive ex and liking his pictures so I blocked her on social media and am looking forward with my life. 1
bathtub-row Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 Good move on your part. Anyone who goes back to an abusive relationship after getting out of it is truly off their rocker. It’s possible that she’s been lying to you, as I’m sure you’ve already figured out. Either way, something is fishy in Denmark and I’d do what you did. Just walk away. 2
Author gcp Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 It was confirmed to me last night that she is in fact 100% already back with her ex boyfriend. She used to tell me some terrible things he did to her during their time together, and how when she went back to him before (shes done this before) she REALLY regretted her decision. So why go back again? I was good to her, maybe to good. As bad as it sounds, I hope she snaps back to reality and regrets her decision once again, except this time I won't be there to fall back on. Does breaking up, getting back together, breaking up and getting back together ever really work?? I'm basically at the "What the hell?!" point with this. I mean, we damn near brought a child into this world together and a month later she bails for an ex who physically kicked her out of bed when he was drunk, and as she sat crying in the corner of the room he pulled up a chair, blocking her in the corner and laughed at her.... real stand up guy.
d0nnivain Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 Maybe in all of this you were just a rebound. At this point, you do need to disconnect from her & deal with your own grief. I am sorry. You can't fix her & you may never understand her.
Author gcp Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 In a nutshell she was with ex and it was on and off for a year, and they broke up. We dated for a month or so last winter and she went back to ex. This spring she sent me an email saying how she regretted how she handled things, realized getting back with her ex was a huge mistake. We started talking again and began dating. We dated for 6 months, miscarriage happened, lasted another month and its like a switch flipped. Dumped me and 3 days later back with ex. This just isn't fair is it, I'm pretty down on my self right now. I just want to find love and start a family. Very upset right now. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 Don't be down on yourself. You made a mistake trusting her. It's doubly painful because you wanted a family but the baby you lost wasn't meant to bind you & this woman forever. You will find that right person. Hang in there.
preraph Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 Now you have to wonder if that baby was even yours. It's possible she was already going cold on you and then got pregnant, so it might even be possible that on some level losing the baby was a relief and freed her up to disengage, like that it frightened her when she thought she was sort of trapped and then now she's not, so she felt like fleeing. Don't know. But big events like that as well as serious illness can make you really shake up your life and stop wasting time. It's not ever smart to get back with an abusive ex, and it probably won't last, but there's no reason for you to hang around. She just doesn't have any romantic feelings left for you. You deserve someone who does. So get out there and be social again. Sorry for what you're going through. 1
bathtub-row Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 She’s the one who should be down on herself, not you. She sounds like a screwed up mess. Yes, she’s going to regret going back to psycho boy but, I’m with you on this one, you shouldn’t take her back if she tries to con you again. One day she’ll realize what a fool she is and realize what she lost in you. Don’t let someone who makes bad judgment calls make you feel bad about yourself. She’s the last one who’s opinion matters because it’s obviously distorted. 1
Author gcp Posted November 29, 2018 Author Posted November 29, 2018 When she ended things with me last winter to give her ex another shot, i was heart broken. A few months later she sent a very long email explaining to me why she did what she did and emphasized she had made a HUGE mistake and really regretted her decision. So, any insight on why after us dating for 6 months, we go through a miscarriage together, she goes right back to him after shutting me out?
bathtub-row Posted November 29, 2018 Posted November 29, 2018 I have no idea why she did what she did. Even if she didn’t want to be with you, I couldn’t even begin to understand why she would go back to her ex. I think you’re looking for logic in an illogical situation and it just isn’t there. Sometimes people can’t accept kindness from others. As strange as that sounds. They don’t think they deserve it. If she was abused or neglected when she was young, that could be the problem. But be careful about getting involved with people like this because they can sometimes be so broken that all they’ll do is break you. If you were raised in a healthy family situation, find someone with a similar upbringing. You’ll have a lot fewer problems.
Author gcp Posted November 29, 2018 Author Posted November 29, 2018 Hurt people hurt people. This makes so much sense. I don't think she has had stable relationship since she was cheated on by her fiance when she was 24 or 25, shes 31 now. Her longest relationship since then was with her ex, who shes with now, and they were together for a year but she said it was on and off that whole time. Hurt people hurt people... Wow so simple yet so profound and true.
SevenCity Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 In a bit late but it was obvious she was going to break up with you from the get go. Here are some things to consider for your next relationship: 1. If a woman picks someone else over you, you were never her first choice and she will eventually leave you. 2. When a woman needs “space”, it always means they need to do a trial breakup with you and it is just a matter of time before they do the real breakup. 3. Don’t send a woman flowers who wants to get away from you or has rejected you. It’s wasted money and comes across as a bribe for intimacy. 4. When a woman is into you she will run to you when things go bad, not away from you. 5. Women’s feelings can change slowly over time. You have to keep an eye on it while you can make a difference. Once she loses feelings, she will not get them back. You’ll see this crystal clear when you find a woman who has high interest. It will be tough for a while, and she may likely want you back, but you have to promise yourself you won’t ever be with her again. Doing so will just be more pain and suffering. And sorry you lost a child but realize she would have left anyway and her abusive ex would be the kids part time father. 1
Author gcp Posted November 30, 2018 Author Posted November 30, 2018 I doubt she will be back, I had a moment of weakness and sent an email stating my displeasure on the whole situation. I know I know, I shouldn't have, but I did and it felt like me closing that chapter of my life, which in a way felt like a weigh was lifted off my chest. She never gave me the chance to talk to her, face to face, or even over the phone, she did it over text. So I said my piece and its done. 1
bathtub-row Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 I think it's fine that you let her know what you think. Let her stew on it. Her whole method for how she deals with situations and people needs a great deal of improvement. I'm not impressed with her one bit. I know you love her and you're hurting but you can do way better than her. 1
Author gcp Posted November 30, 2018 Author Posted November 30, 2018 Well, it was pretty harsh, I didn't pull any punches. I know it was immature and looking back I was operating on pure anger and frustration. Immature enough to do it, mature enough to realize I shouldn't have I guess.
Author gcp Posted December 1, 2018 Author Posted December 1, 2018 Whats also kind of funny about this whole situation is that she told her mother what this ex boyfriend did to her and her mother does NOT like him, nor should she. I honestly think she just had a mental breakdown and went back to what was familiar as a band aid or a distraction from her real feelings. She seems to be avoiding the pain and grief and stress of what we went through together. But I'm no psychologist.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 1, 2018 Posted December 1, 2018 She's never really gotten over her ex; she bounced back and forth a couple times between you and him, but her heart is with him. It's sad and frustrating but my guess is she stayed away from him for those few months she was with you because, well, he wasn't looking for her then. I don't doubt she genuinely liked you and probably wanted to be ready to date you, but she is far too wrapped up in her ex for you two to have ever gone anywhere. Completely illogical from the outside looking in, but the cycle in abusive relationships is illogical indeed. It makes no sense to anyone but the abused and her abuser. It unfortunately doesn't matter if friends and family hate the abuser; that's pretty much a given in these situations. Rarely is that enough for an abuse victim to leave the relationship. You said your piece to her. Leave it there. It's time to put this girl in your past and move on to happier pastures. 1
Author gcp Posted December 4, 2018 Author Posted December 4, 2018 After a some days of reflecting and some looking at myself I am beginning to wonder if I was to "needy" and she saw that as a huge turn off and a drove her back into her exes arms. Before the miscarriage we spent time together, but not every day, we would see each other 1-3 times a week and go do fun things together. After the miscarriage I didn't know what to do, and I was trying to be there for her, maybe to the point where I looked a little insecure. She was grieving, stressed about other things in life, off her anxiety meds, and she got distant. I asked her a couple times "Hey, is everything ok between us? We just seem a little off lately" She would reply "Are you serious? Of course things are fine, beyond fine." But her mood wouldn't change. I tried to be nurturing, would make dinner or bring over carry out. Just trying to help out knowing she was extremely stressed and dealing with her anxiety. One of the last nights we were hanging out she was venting about her sisters wedding and how she didn't know where we should stay after the wedding and so on. At this point I hadn't even met her sister yet and I knew her ex was the best man in the wedding... and she is the maid of honor. So I straight up asked her if it would be easier on her if I didn't go. She of course said she wanted me to go but seemed frustrated in general... like the whole night before I asked that. Finally the next day, me still sensing something was off I asked her if she was happy, you can generally tell when someone is not being themselves and thats when she told me she wasn't happy, not necessarily with me, but in general. And the rest is history. Do you think I was being needy or do you think I was doomed from the get go as a rebound or the ex had already showed back up? I feel like a complete fool if I pushed her away trying to figure out what was going on with her sudden anxious/stressed/depressed state.
Recommended Posts