gcp Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 A little history. We have been dating for 6 months, I am 31, she is 30. Both financially stable, and both reassured each other that we are in love. This September we found it she was 8 weeks pregnant and literally a couple days after finding out she miscarried. We were both devestated, the pregnancy was not planned but we were both very happy, excited and a little scared at the same time being as we would have both been first time parents. She had clinically diagnosed anxiety and upon finding out she was pregnant began to wean off her medication and ultimately stopped taking it completely, and didn’t resume taking it until recently. I tried to be there for her as much as I could but also when she wanted I let her grieve alone. This last week I could tell something was off, she has been very stressed with work, dealing with the miscarriage, and also playing a big role in her sister’s wedding and planning which is in December. I asked her straight forward if she was happy. She said no. She said it wasn’t me that was making her unhappy, she just felt suffocated by life at the moment and said she couldn’t emotionally commit to the relationship right now and asked for a few days alone. I told her I loved her, cared about her and honestly had been worrying my self sick about her lately. She reassured me that she loves me and doesn’t want to end the relationship but I feel her taking a big step back. I respected her request and have not initiated contact for 2 days now. She has sent me a few snapchats of her dog and some funny poems she was grading (elementary teacher). Which I would reply but not take the convo any further. I did notice they social media yesterday that she went to a thanksgiving dinner with friends that we had planned on going to together, all the couples were there and there she was alone in the picture, it broke my heart knowing that she didn’t want me there. I guess this is more therapeutic but should I remain no contact and let her reach out? Her birthday is tomorrow (perfect timing) and I had planned to have flowers delivered to her house (good or bad idea?). Any insight would be greatly appreciated, especially from someone who also has anxiety who might be able to shed some light on what she might be feeling.
d0nnivain Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 I'm sorry for the loss of your child. Everybody handles grief differently but she is choosing to push you away. The holidays probably make it all worse. Do send her the birthday flowers & on Thursday a text saying that you are thankful she's in your life even though things have been rough. Next week gently push for a conversation. If she keeps you away from the sister's wedding too, she may be closing down & you won't be able to pry her back open.
preraph Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 I think you need to keep giving her space and let her initiate for awhile. Sending flowers is okay, but I would not pressure her in any way. Geez, it's only been two days and she's been staying in contact. Not that big a deal. She's having trouble coping. She needs to simplify. Let her call the shots for awhile.
Author gcp Posted November 19, 2018 Author Posted November 19, 2018 I know, I guess it was just a blow to my ego that she decided to go to the dinner with friends and did not want me there. That did sting a little. But you are right, I will let her work some things out on her own.
bathtub-row Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 I think the flowers are ok, too, but overall she needs to know what it feels like to be without you. I know it’s tough but when someone is crying for space, the other person needs to give it to them. It’s not always about playing games. I’ve been there before and it took 3 mos to get my head screwed on straight. I didn’t even notice the absence of people in my life. Then I snapped out of it and was completely ready to ‘be there’ again. She may be experiencing the same thing. I’m sorry about the loss of your baby. That’s very hard.
Author gcp Posted November 19, 2018 Author Posted November 19, 2018 I guess I need to decide how long I can wait in limbo. Without sounding selfish, I don't mind giving her time, but if it drags on and on until she 1) decides shes ready to talk things, or 2) she decides she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.
d0nnivain Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 Given that Thanksgiving is this Thursday, give her until at least next week. The holidays add an extra dimension of difficult to all of this. She's going to see things like ornaments that say "baby's first Christmas" & it will be devastating. Be patient.
Author gcp Posted November 20, 2018 Author Posted November 20, 2018 She sent me a text this afternoon thanking me for the flowers and said how beautiful they were. I replied saying it was the least I could do and i hoped she had a wonderful birthday. she then replied "Thanks *my name* :)" I might be reading to much into this but that sounds like a real "friend" reply
Simple Logic Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 Based of what you have posted, I believe your relationship is over. Whatever she believes she needs for healing does not include you.
Author gcp Posted November 21, 2018 Author Posted November 21, 2018 She is a very complicated woman and you very well could be right. Only time will tell I guess.
sweetmelissa Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 I am sorry for the loss of your baby. There are many factors going on here. Firstly, you mentioned she has anxiety , therefore she probably has depression as well. Also, she still has pregnancy hormones in her system. I think if you back off 100 percent you will hear from her. Keep busy.
d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 She sent me a text this afternoon thanking me for the flowers and said how beautiful they were. I replied saying it was the least I could do and i hoped she had a wonderful birthday. she then replied "Thanks *my name* :)" I might be reading to much into this but that sounds like a real "friend" reply You did the right thing with the flowers. These are trying times & you have to go slow. She doesn't trust the world right now. Be there for her . . . but from a distance. Don't push. Reach out again & ask for a low key, low pressure meeting like a walk or you come over with take out after Thanksgiving.
Author gcp Posted November 21, 2018 Author Posted November 21, 2018 You did the right thing with the flowers. These are trying times & you have to go slow. She doesn't trust the world right now. Be there for her . . . but from a distance. Don't push. Reach out again & ask for a low key, low pressure meeting like a walk or you come over with take out after Thanksgiving. We each own a chocolate lab who love each other to death, maybe I will see if she reaches out over the weekend. If not I might ask if she would like to take the dogs for a walk next week sometime.
d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 Walking the dogs would be a good low key thing
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 21, 2018 Posted November 21, 2018 She may need time for the medication to regulate her anxiety. I can completely relate to how she's feeling and sometimes you just need people to not NEED you so much. Give her some time and space. She will appreciate it from you and if it's meant to be it will only make your relationship better because you respected that.
Author gcp Posted November 22, 2018 Author Posted November 22, 2018 I’m conflicted, she’s going they a very hard time and I don’t want to make her feel pressured, but also want to let her know I care. I’ve heard to let her make the contact but have also heard I shouldn’t just abandon her when she’s obviously grieving, maybe depressed and stressed out.
bathtub-row Posted November 22, 2018 Posted November 22, 2018 I’m conflicted, she’s going they a very hard time and I don’t want to make her feel pressured, but also want to let her know I care. I’ve heard to let her make the contact but have also heard I shouldn’t just abandon her when she’s obviously grieving, maybe depressed and stressed out. The thing is, she knows you care and knows she can turn to you if she needs someone. And she’s very likely to do that in the future. The thing is, when someone needs their space, they will likely love you even more for giving it to them without fuss. If you’re really worried that your lack of being there will come across as not caring, then at some point, let her know that you’re leaving her alone out of respect for her wishes but if she ever needs you, you’ll be there for her. 1
Author gcp Posted November 22, 2018 Author Posted November 22, 2018 I must say it feels very strange to not be talking to her on this holiday (thanksgiving). But she did request space
bathtub-row Posted November 23, 2018 Posted November 23, 2018 I must say it feels very strange to not be talking to her on this holiday (thanksgiving). But she did request space I'm sorry.
d0nnivain Posted November 23, 2018 Posted November 23, 2018 Did you at least send the Happy Thanksgiving text? There are low key no pressure ways to stay in touch. A short message of support at milestones is one of them.
Author gcp Posted November 23, 2018 Author Posted November 23, 2018 I set onecthis morning saying “I am trying to respect your wish for some space but I did want to let you know I am thankful you are in my life”
Author gcp Posted November 24, 2018 Author Posted November 24, 2018 She replied and we chatted back and forth for a little. Just light chit chat, nothing heavy. What was strange is a put a picture of my family on social media and her mother sent me a message saying “Hope you had a nice Thanksgiving *my name*”. Which I thought was very sweet of her. 1
SunnyWeather Posted November 24, 2018 Posted November 24, 2018 I’m conflicted, she’s going they a very hard time and I don’t want to make her feel pressured, but also want to let her know I care. I’ve heard to let her make the contact but have also heard I shouldn’t just abandon her when she’s obviously grieving, maybe depressed and stressed out. I'm going to disagree with others here. I think it is incredible selfish of her. You are hurting too. Relationships go through tests all the time, it is during those times that partners should turn to each other, and not away. you need to ask yourself what are you getting out of this? Why do you feel like you should bend yourself into a pretzel to accommodate her? if every time there is a crisis should you be the one to always acquiesce your feelings and let her dictate how things will go? who do you have to turn to now? you can still give each other space without having to alienate the other completely. sorry op, but holidays and b-days should be celebrated together if the couple is in a committed relationship, unless both agree that's for the best (mostly when dealing with family logistics etc), not because someone wants space. that is code for a fade out. it is not uncommon for couples to break up after such a loss. i hope you can get the support you need and make it clear you are not going to sit by idly while she figures herself out--unless you are OK with that. doesn't sound like you are.
Author gcp Posted November 25, 2018 Author Posted November 25, 2018 (edited) She hit me with a lengthy text today breaking up with me. She said she can't pin point why but she just distanced herself emotionally. After her miscarriage our intimacy dropped way off, I wasn't pressing to get intimate because 1 she was still dealing with some health issues 2 she never seemed to be interested in it. She gave me the whole I don't have one negative thing to say about you, and this would be a lot easier if you were a jerk. But she loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. I don't know if it was the miscarriage, the lack of intimacy immediately following, her anxiety (and likely depression), her pregnancy hormones dropping slower than normal, or the fact she quit her anxiety medication cold turkey. But I am basically numb. But, I have dealt with break ups before, and realize she probably did me a favor. One day at a time I will be ok. I should also add, a few years back she was engaged, found out he was cheating and broke it off right before their wedding. Her next relationship after that was about 1 year on and off, they broke up, me and her dated for a few weeks, she went back to him for 3 months and ended it again. Then me and her started seeing each other again. 4 months into our relationship the miscarriage happened, 2 months later she drops this one me. I think this goes beyond me. Edited November 25, 2018 by gcp
bathtub-row Posted November 25, 2018 Posted November 25, 2018 It’s often really hard to say why someone wants to end a relationship when it’s not completely obvious. But yes she did you a favor by ending things and not dragging it out. I know it really hurts. She did pay you a compliment though by saying that you’re not a jerk and there’s really nothing about you per se that made the relationship bad. It’s probably, as you say, some history and beyond you. It could’ve been that before she miscarriaged she knew even then that she didn’t want to have a child or didn’t want to solidify the relationship with you. That sounds really harsh but the pregnancy might’ve clarified things for her. You seem like a great guy and you’re right that you’ll be ok. But I know that doesn’t completely help right now. Really sorry this has happened to you. 1
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