How to not be clingy or overly attached during the first phase of casual dating

[hippychick3]

He sounds very lukewarm, OP. Guys who are REALLY interested don't wait 3 days to text when they were previously texting daily. It sounds like he was only interested in casual sex.

 

I'd step way back and observe and continue to date others (without having sex on the first date).

[LoverOfDance]

PRW, the Op sees relationship potential with this man. From what she has written, she seems to be hoping that something real will develop from this.

Edited November 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civlity and Respect cleanup ~ V

[PRW]

PRW, the Op sees relationship potential with this man. From what she has written, she seems to be hoping that something real will develop from this.

 

She has to "get there" first, she is not there yet. I think she can accomplish it, but she has to keep a level head and not freak out because he hasn't set a 3rd date yet and he went 3 days without texting once. She says in the thread Subject that she doesn't want to be clingy or over attached (great goal to have). But a guy can see things like this in a woman even if she is trying to hide it. Maybe he is seeing this and is causing him to pause, hold back, slow down. We don't know, he didn't post here. We only know what he said or did 3rd hand from her.

 

One thing that is catnip to a guy is consistency from a woman. If she can show him that she is emotionally solid, has her act together, and is not twisted in knots because she hasn't heard from him as often as she likes,...and is not making her life revolve around him, he will be impressed. It will also make her stand out in the crowd if there are other women on the fringes, because they probably won't present themselves as well, and she will beat the competition without ever knowing they existed.

Edited November 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civilty and Respect cleanup ~ V

[Victoria]

Reopening with a warning that we may not all agree, but everyone has a right to be heard. If you don't agree with someone's opinion, please move on. Attacking other members because their views are different than yours will get posting privileges revoked and a short or long term vacation.

 

Play nice and Happy Holidays.

Edited November 21, 2018 by Victoria
Reopening thread with a warning ~ V

[edgygirl]

Sadly both posters below are right. When a man is into us, we don't have to wonder. It's very clear. Men are transparent.

 

Also, sorry to say, but most men will lose interest when you sleep with them that fast. If you're fine with casual, no problem. If you're looking for a relationship... not great. I am not saying I haven't had relationships with people I slept with on the the first night... but with OLD it seems more and more rare.

 

He is lukewarm about you and you aren't about him.

 

You say you're dating casually but you actually aren't. Based on what you've written, you seem to want to connect more with him emotionally and develop something real.

 

He is dating you casually. You AREN'T dating him casually. Both of you aren't on the same page.

 

You can keep dating him and maybe his feelings will catch up to yours later. MAYBE. I personally wouldn't focus my energy on him.

 

 

I know the feeling you are talking about. And yet, none of my long term relationships started that way. When the feeling is mutual, all rules go out the window. Those rules only apply to other people. When it's right, it's so easy. I suggest you just be yourself.

 

As an example, years ago a guy I was talking to was what you'd call clingy and I got turned off. But later another guy was much more so, and I loved it. So don't over analyze. The deciding factor is always something else.

[lovesiick]

They met and have been on 2 dates, he then went out of the country. They said things are going to be busy with holidays such as Thanksgiving which is coming up. He said there would be a 3rd date but he hasn't set it yet. They have been texting some in the mean time while he is gone, but he hasn't set a time for the 3rd date yet (no big deal to me). "New" dating partners should not be involved in the other one's holiday plans as a principle. That is only for partners in an established relationship. So she shouldn't expect to have a 3rd date till after Thanksgiving. She should expect to not see much of him around Christmas because he will probably be busy with his family. Next year, if they survive, they will have been together long enough to be involved with each other's holiday plans.

 

Just to clarify

- we met a month ago but he held off on going on a first date til he got back from a trip

- when he got back, we started going on dates

- he never went three days without texting me, he just said he was going to get busy with the upcoming Thanksgiving holidays. He was texting me in between dates.

 

 

To update though, we do have plans on a third date now and I was the one who brought up the idea after he said something along the lines of “cant wait to see you again.” I guess I have some sort of irrational fear that I’ll scare off guys I like by showing too much eagerness/excitement or interest in them.

[kendahke]

I guess I have some sort of irrational fear that I’ll scare off guys I like by showing too much eagerness/excitement or interest in them.

 

sounds to me like you should take some time and explore this with a therapist so it stops rearing its ugly head everytime you begin a new relationship.

[PRW]

Sadly both posters below are right. When a man is into us, we don't have to wonder. It's very clear. Men are transparent.

 

 

Speaking as a guy. No we are not that transparent. We are trying to avoid the same thing she is trying to avoid. So it becomes a Mexican standoff.

[hippychick3]

Sadly both posters below are right. When a man is into us, we don't have to wonder. It's very clear. Men are transparent.

 

In my experience, this has been the case with men who are confident and secure with themselves (the type of men I am attracted to). Therefore, it made dating so much easier for me. If I had to wonder, he wasn’t for me.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Sadly both posters below are right. When a man is into us, we don't have to wonder. It's very clear. Men are transparent.

Also, sorry to say, but most men will lose interest when you sleep with them that fast. If you're fine with casual, no problem. If you're looking for a relationship... not great. I am not saying I haven't had relationships with people I slept with on the first night... but with OLD it seems more and more rare.

 

Men and woman are both transparent. I learned the hard way when dating. I was always analyzing and feeling sorry for guys who didn't give me the time of day. Being w/my current bf has been way different. He wants to be w/me, I don't have to beg/ask/analyze anything, it just falls into place. Do not waste your time wondering, use that time to find a man who wants you. Plus if he is a shut in, do you really want that?

[Mrs._December]

I’m not saying he couldn’t find a few hours to visit me, never did I say that in my original post. I just didn’t want to appear overly clingy and wasn’t sure whether I should be the one to initiate a third date. And for the record, he has been texting me and talking to me ever since we last met, I just am scared I’ll appear clingy and attached.

Actually, you kind of DID elude to the fact that he made sure to get your 2nd date scheduled right away, but after that date (and sex), he suddenly has become a bit vague about setting up the 3rd.

 

In your post dated November 13th, you mention he'd brought up the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday as though that was making it hard to schedule a 3rd date, but back when he said that, Thanksgiving was still a good 10 days away. So, if he's using lame excuses about holidays that are 10 days in the future, then YES, he's obviously 'too busy' to schedule a couple of hours to see you. You can say "I never said that he couldn't find a couple hours to visit me," but your posts clearly say it for you.

 

I agree with everyone else who says he's only lukewarm at best about you. I think now that he had sex with you, he's just not as anxious to lock down another date.

 

 

ETA: I see you've now scheduled a 3rd date. Enjoy!

Edited November 26, 2018 by Mrs._December

[Wallysbears]

He's not that into you. He got sex. That seems to be what he wanted. He may ask for the 3rd date when he wants sex again - but that's all this will be. Random hooking up when he wants to.

[PRW]

To update though, we do have plans on a third date now and I was the one who brought up the idea after he said something along the lines of “cant wait to see you again.” I guess I have some sort of irrational fear that I’ll scare off guys I like by showing too much eagerness/excitement or interest in them.

 

 

Well look. The 3rd date is now set. Go on the date. Have fum, see what happens. If things work out, great! If they don't work out, move on,...no rocket science. Don't get wrapped up in the doom & gloom and negative speculation from other people's experiences. Their experience is theirs, your experience is yours.