googlicious Posted November 18, 2018 Posted November 18, 2018 attitude? energy? something is off with my 'game', so to speak. now the disclaimer is that, i'm not a player, i'm not just out in the dating scene looking for sex. hasn't worked out but i've actually been trying to find someone to settle down with for the past 2 years. that being said, i still need to look at myself objectively, as an 'item'. here's my issue- i'm going through a low level depression right now. you can see it in my eyes, my expression, and how i carry myself. but to make up for it i've been working out twice as hard. now, i'm not a good looking man but i am currently in a very very good shape (a bit of a gym rat), and that's easily distinguishable from average joe. my issue is, i'm in better shape now then before, but my 'game' is actually suffering. i was getting 2nd, 3rd dates easily, and sleeping over handful of times this summer. and then i met my ex, she really messed with my head, then the depression starts after the breakup. now, i can't get a second date, at all. girls are ghosting me. i try to keep my appearance neat, keep my composure, but it's like they sense the turmoil in me. am i overplaying the issue in my head or... what do you think it is?
ExpatInItaly Posted November 18, 2018 Posted November 18, 2018 How do you know people can see your depressive state, OP?
d0nnivain Posted November 18, 2018 Posted November 18, 2018 Energy & attitude are important. If you are projecting depression or unworthiness it comes across. Watch a Winnie the Pooh cartoon & look at Eyore vs the other characters. Do you see how attitude manifests?
Author googlicious Posted November 18, 2018 Author Posted November 18, 2018 How do you know people can see your depressive state, OP? well i have rather expressive eyes and... there's a permanent frown right now, for starters. i dunno. it's the only explanation i have. my appearance should be looking better, with the shape im in...
ExpatInItaly Posted November 18, 2018 Posted November 18, 2018 well i have rather expressive eyes and... there's a permanent frown right now, for starters. i dunno. it's the only explanation i have. my appearance should be looking better, with the shape im in... What I meant was, has someone actually pointed this out to you? Yes, attitude and energy are important. If you seem unhappy, most women are not going to know what to do or how to connect with you.
d0nnivain Posted November 18, 2018 Posted November 18, 2018 Adopt a "fake it til you make it" attitude. Go out & plaster a smile on your face. Watch funny videos or something for a few minutes before you go out so you laugh. The act of smiling alone can elevate your attitude.
Author googlicious Posted November 18, 2018 Author Posted November 18, 2018 Adopt a "fake it til you make it" attitude. Go out & plaster a smile on your face. Watch funny videos or something for a few minutes before you go out so you laugh. The act of smiling alone can elevate your attitude. yeah that's exactly what i need right now.... thank you
Garcon1986 Posted November 18, 2018 Posted November 18, 2018 Yes indeed, if dating women are given a choice between two men, one with a smile, and one with a frown, the one with a smile will be picked every time regardless of any other redeeming characteristics (dating isn't fair). Your best chances are to learn the social skills that make people drawn to you. It starts with a smile and a welcoming attitude.
Gretchen12 Posted November 18, 2018 Posted November 18, 2018 It's not the depression, it's the turmoil. So the more happy you act, the more unsettling and unstable you appear. I have seen this before. The cheerful attitude and bravado is actually painful to watch.
hippychick3 Posted November 18, 2018 Posted November 18, 2018 The best thing you can do is work on the depression...antidepressants, therapy, meditation, etc. If women sense that on a first date, it’s a big turnoff. I went out with a successful nice-looking doctor back when I was dating. His demeanor and energy were so depressing, I didn’t want to see him again. It’s great that you’re working on your outside appearance and you are self-aware. But you really need to work on treating the depression if you want to be successful again in dating.
FMW Posted November 18, 2018 Posted November 18, 2018 My experience, unfortunately, is that I CAN'T fake it if I'm feeling low and not so great about myself. So for me it's very important to strike hard at the underlying problem. It might just take a while to get over your ex, but in the meantime try hard to stop the negative self talk, try to focus on the good points you have to offer someone else. Definitely do smile and make eye contact with others and the mostly positive feedback you get (returned smiles, hellos or even brief conversations) will help lift you up.
smackie9 Posted November 18, 2018 Posted November 18, 2018 Right now you are not ready to date...you still have that baggage you have to let go of...once you do that you will be back in the game. 1
basil67 Posted November 18, 2018 Posted November 18, 2018 Smackie is right. You aren't ready to date. It's OK to take some time out for yourself while you heal.
Chilli Posted November 18, 2018 Posted November 18, 2018 Yeah exactly what l was thinking . Not sure why your even out there bothering it's too soon . Take some time for you , do whatever you feel like doing and being for awhile. You'll know when your ready again.
snowboy91 Posted November 18, 2018 Posted November 18, 2018 People want to be around people that make them feel good. Not in a showering with compliments/affection kind of way, but more of a fun to hang out with kind of way. Whether you're suffering from depression or got baggage from a previous relationship, it's likely to show through when you try and meet people without you realising. Take some time for yourself. Work on recovering from depression. Focus on doing stuff that makes you happy. It will make you feel good about yourself - and that will shine through when you start dating again. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted November 18, 2018 Posted November 18, 2018 Exercise is great for depression ... but it's not a substitute for therapy or medications. To tell you the truth, if you're depressed with a frown on your face, you won't be able to maintain a relationship in your current state. People read our faces so well. Body language also suffers in depression and is easy to read--even if we're trying to hide it ... Conversation quality suffers, energy suffers ... optimism, hope and confidence suffer ... not sure why you're trying to date while in depression. You're signing up for a running race with a broken leg. Dating won't solve your depression. You need to treat that depression in order to successfully date.
rightondude Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 work on you brother. You are better than most depressives as you are at least hitting it hard in the gym. I know it sucks not getting any, but you need to believe in yourself before that will happen or else women will smell the desperation a mile away. It's not the same but bopping the baloney will suffice until you get this beat. And you will, remember it took awhile to build up to benching or squatting whatever you're doing, it will take a little time to get over this too. There's no magic button; it's a process. Hang out with friends. Devote time to a hobby. Talk to a therapist and/or get on the meds if you and the therapist believe that's what you need. You will beat this, you just have to give it the same amount of focus and time you give your training.
Juha Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 Join the club, I am in the desert and have not been able to get out. These things go in cycles, step back from dating for a while and get it together. If you try too hard it will show and the women will not be interested plus you may have just run into a slump and dating women who are not that interested or are good matches. I have taken a step back, the lack of good dates and connection got to me and was not helping my situation out. I am not happy about my dating lately so just stopped. Step back and take a reset for a little bit, hopefully it helps.
Sarah_Smiles Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 attitude? energy? something is off with my 'game', so to speak. now the disclaimer is that, i'm not a player, i'm not just out in the dating scene looking for sex. hasn't worked out but i've actually been trying to find someone to settle down with for the past 2 years. that being said, i still need to look at myself objectively, as an 'item'. here's my issue- i'm going through a low level depression right now. you can see it in my eyes, my expression, and how i carry myself. but to make up for it i've been working out twice as hard. now, i'm not a good looking man but i am currently in a very very good shape (a bit of a gym rat), and that's easily distinguishable from average joe. my issue is, i'm in better shape now then before, but my 'game' is actually suffering. i was getting 2nd, 3rd dates easily, and sleeping over handful of times this summer. and then i met my ex, she really messed with my head, then the depression starts after the breakup. now, i can't get a second date, at all. girls are ghosting me. i try to keep my appearance neat, keep my composure, but it's like they sense the turmoil in me. am i overplaying the issue in my head or... what do you think it is? Least you are trying to take care of you, it is just your mind has not caught up with your body on this yet, your mind is still caught in the past ( it is normal - nothing to beat yourself up about) Those girls might ghost 99% of the guys they meet tho, it might not be on you. The thing that is on you is getting her ( the ex) out of your head..do you think she is still not getting past you as well, or she is on to the next? Maybe just hang out in friends groups, for now, still going out and being social and maybe the good match will show up when you are not actively looking for her.
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