Girlfriend needs time

[Codww2]

So i saw her today. And we talked.. we were eating something and as soon i brought it up. She started crying. She told me she still didn’t know what she want. She told me it was not only the fight we had, but the family part had a big role in it.

 

She told me she was suprised that she felt comfortable with me. She didn’t expect that. She was also suprised about my reaction, she told me i looked happy.

 

After the lunch, we went to the car and she actually started crying hard when i brought breaking up in the conversation. I told her that she confuses me but that i know she stills loves me and thinks about getting back together. She then told me that if i know that then why can’t i make a decision about us?

 

 

After a while in the car, she started getting closer and she laid her head on my chest. This is when i gave her a kiss and she kissed me back. And then she was feeling awkward and told me it confused her.

 

We stayed and laughed in the car and then i told her that i will drop her off and that i decided that we can still be together. And she agreed.

 

She mentioned something before that i didn’t tell, she told me she wants to talk with me over text. But she can’t force herself to text as she texted before. Like when if i would text her and she wouldn’t feel like answering she won’t force herself to text me.

 

Can someone advice?

[Garcon1986]

If you are going to get this relationship back, just wait and see if the family opposition comes in. Be ready for discrimination. Ask yourself, if you are ready to stand up to that. Watch for how much she is ready to defend you in the relationship. Just remember not to make the same mistakes that you did the first time round. You've chosen the uncertain route.

[Codww2]

Too be honest i’m ready and strong enough for this. I believe in this, because her sister married with someone even tough her family was against it. And now her sister is happy. But her parents always use that as an example to teach her not to go against them. But in the end, i believe she will defend me till the end. If we are good with eachother and the jealousy of my side doesn’t **** up things again.

Edited November 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

You had these . . . moments . . . .in the car. But if she's still not strong enough to defy her parents & go against their wishes that she not date you, where does that leave you? You can't fight for this relationship if she won't stand up to the people who want you apart.

 

If she's ready to do that, then you have a chance. If she is not, there isn't much you can do.

Edited November 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Codww2]

I had to have this moments in the car.. she was crying in the restaurant. I decided to take her to somewhere more private..

 

She was 2 years with me, her parents always told her that she shouldn’t date with someone of my family. But back then, she couldn’t care. It’s just at this time, when we had this fight she doesn’t know what to do...

Edited November 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PRW]

I tried to read most of the thread but it is just too much. I'll just toss out a few things to think about.

 

1. Jealousy is a relationship destroyer. Get it under control. It doesn't matter if she does the same or not. He behavor is not an excuse for yours. Be a leader not a follower. If some other guy is talking to her,...let him. If he tries to ask her out,...let him. If she says yes to him and goes out with him,...let her. She is not your wife and she doesn't owe you anything. Be the bigger man. The other guy will probably just screw it up after a bit anyway, which will just highlight you as being better.

 

2. Never go on an apology tour. It just makes you look weak and pathetic. If you seriously do someone wrong then apologize,...once,...and move on. But don't apologize for every little petty childish thing that pops up. Apologizing and "talking" about past issues/events is just looking backward,...look forward instead. When you are constantly apologizing and talking about things from the past with a girl, it does nothing more than keep hitting her with the bad emotions she feels from those past events. Instead focus forward and hit her with warm happy emotions instead and let the past fade away.

 

3. When a woman says she wants space it means you wait till she contacts you first. When she does contact you use that as the opportunity to set the next date. Go on a date once a week till she wants to see you more often. She will show that by how often she contacts you. If she refuses a date act like it is no big deal (don't verbalize it and draw attention to it), be fun and friendly, repeat the pattern next time she contacts you. If she calls or texts, be friendly and nice (set the next date if you haven't already), and then get off the phone (polity and respectfully). Save the chit chat for when you are together,...you will have more meaningful conversations that way. If you go to places in common, like church, be friendly and social but do not linger and orbit around her. Be fun to be around but then go on your way so she can have her space with her friends. Women are naturally social,...let her be social.

 

4. Go to church if that is what you do. Staying away because there is some "chick" there that says she wants space is not a reason to change that. Changing what you normally do because of that makes you look weak and timid. That's what high school kids do.

Edited November 26, 2018 by PRW

[ExpatInItaly]

She mentioned something before that i didn’t tell, she told me she wants to talk with me over text. But she can’t force herself to text as she texted before. Like when if i would text her and she wouldn’t feel like answering she won’t force herself to text me.

Can someone advice?

 

How often were you two texting before? Did you ever get upset that she didn't reply back when you felt she should?

 

That comment stands out to me, because it could suggest a couple things: A) She previously felt smothered by your frequent texts and now wants to put a boundary there, or B) Her interest in you is fading and she just doesn't have the courage to break it off completely yet.

 

Be cautious trying to move forward here. If her family still doesn't approve and she isn't willing to stand up to them, this isn't going to last.

[Codww2]

How often were you two texting before? Did you ever get upset that she didn't reply back when you felt she should?

 

That comment stands out to me, because it could suggest a couple things: A) She previously felt smothered by your frequent texts and now wants to put a boundary there, or B) Her interest in you is fading and she just doesn't have the courage to break it off completely yet.

 

Be cautious trying to move forward here. If her family still doesn't approve and she isn't willing to stand up to them, this isn't going to last.

 

In the begining of the relationship i would get mad if she wouldn’t respond and make a big deal of it, but this was not the case anymore after a while and not the case in the last year.

But maybe this has been in her mind from the begining that if she didn’t reply on time i would get mad.

I don’t think she wants to break up with me, because when i brought this up. She cried like a baby.

 

Too be honest, before the fight.. she would call me 3-4 times a day and send me text messages all day long. But sometimes i didn’t feel like responding or i was busy and she would get mad. She was so depending on me. Everything she did, she would tell me and seek approval.

[PRW]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Codww2

She mentioned something before that i didn’t tell, she told me she wants to talk with me over text. But she can’t force herself to text as she texted before. Like when if i would text her and she wouldn’t feel like answering she won’t force herself to text me.

Can someone advice?

 

 

How often were you two texting before? Did you ever get upset that she didn't reply back when you felt she should?

That comment stands out to me, because it could suggest a couple things: A) She previously felt smothered by your frequent texts and now wants to put a boundary there, or B) Her interest in you is fading and she just doesn't have the courage to break it off completely yet.

 

Be cautious trying to move forward here. If her family still doesn't approve and she isn't willing to stand up to them, this isn't going to last.

Very good to pick up on that. I missed that comment.

[PRW]

I don’t think she wants to break up with me, because when i brought this up. She cried like a baby.

 

 

?????????? Yea, that is what I always think when women cry like a baby.

 

 

Saying something that makes a girl cry like a baby is never going to be a "plus" toward moving toward a fulfilling relationship.

[Codww2]

?????????? Yea, that is what I always think when women cry like a baby.

 

 

Saying something that makes a girl cry like a baby is never going to be a "plus" toward moving toward a fulfilling relationship.

 

You are right about moving forward, and after today. I’m willing to move forward and think only about positive things.

We agreed both on keeping the relationship and see where we go. Just taking everything easy and not force anything.

 

I’m grateful of this relationship, i have learned a lot! She was even shocked at how i was reacting. (Mature, confident,..)

[ExpatInItaly]

?????????? Yea, that is what I always think when women cry like a baby.

 

Saying something that makes a girl cry like a baby is never going to be a "plus" toward moving toward a fulfilling relationship.

 

True, and to be fair, I cried like a baby when I broke up with my first long-term boyfriend. I just felt awful for hurting him.

[Codww2]

True, and to be fair, I cried like a baby when I broke up with my first long-term boyfriend. I just felt awful for hurting him.

 

Yeah well, if she wants to break up.. then we will break up eventually. But we will see from here how it will go.

I told her that she doesn’t have to think about my feelings, that i’m fine. And she told me that she is hurting for herself and not me.

 

I forgot to mention that i told her that if we would break up that i would probably stay out of the church for a while for my sake. She then said : “If you are doing this, then you will get used to not coming to church. How will it then ever get good between us?”

Did you read my other comments?

Edited November 26, 2018 by Codww2

[PRW]

I forgot to mention that i told her that if we would break up that i would probably stay out of the church for a while for my sake. She then said : “If you are doing this, then you will get used to not coming to church. How will it then ever get good between us?”

 

Juvenile thing to say. It is just backhanded vengeance,...or just manipulation. You are holding church attendance as a "hostage" to dissuade her from breaking up with you because you know that church attendance is important to her. So you are saying "If you dump me, I'll quit attending!, and you know you will hate that, and it will be your fault!".

 

While she is saying, "If you hold something that is important to me "hostage", then things will never be good between us!".

Edited November 26, 2018 by PRW

[Codww2]

Juvenile thing to say. It is just backhanded vengeance,...or just manipulation. You are holding church attendance as a "hostage" to dissuade her from breaking up with you because you know that church attendance is important to her. So you are saying "If you dump me, I'll quit attending!, and you know you will hate that, and it will be your fault!".

 

While she is saying, "If you hold something that is important to me "hostage", then things will never be good between us!".

 

Erm, how do you want me to go after we breakup? I can’t see her 2 times a week.. certainly not in the beginning.. we are not even a large church, so avoiding her will be hard.

 

This not holding her hostage.. this is thinking about my feelings..

[PRW]

.. this is thinking about my feelings..

 

 

Act like an adult instead of a high school kid worried about his feelings. You should have thought about that before dating someone at the church you go to, unless you were only going there to pick up chicks. It is just like dating someone at work,...you gonna quit your job every time you break up with someone. When in school?,...You going to quit going to school every time you break up? Time to grow up.

[Codww2]

Act like an adult instead of a high school kid worried about his feelings. You should have thought about that before dating someone at the church you go to, unless you were only going there to pick up chicks. It is just like dating someone at work,...you gonna quit your job every time you break up with someone. When in school?,...You going to quit going to school every time you break up? Time to grow up.

 

 

Lol, the reason why i went to this church was to see her more..

[PRW]

Lol, the reason why i went to this church was to see her more..

 

 

Ok. Well that is probably the root of the problem that she has with you. I thought I saw back in the thread that the family didn't support her seeing you. Christians who really know what they believe will spot a pretender a mile away. So her parents probably can clearly see that you only go to the church to be around her, and they don't want their daughter being mixed up with a pretender. That is perfectly understandable,...they are watching out for what they think is best for their child. But that means they are probably pressuring her to not see you. Her comment about things not being able to get better between the two of you if you stop attending kind of verifies that their faith, the consistency of their faith, and your lack of real belief, are important to them. Christians are warned in the Bible itself to not get married to unbelievers.

Edited November 27, 2018 by PRW

[Codww2]

Ok. Well that is probably the root of the problem that she has with you. I thought I saw back in the thread that the family didn't support her seeing you. Christians who really know what they believe will spot a pretender a mile away. So her parents probably can clearly see that you only go to the church to be around her, and they don't want their daughter being mixed up with a pretender. That is perfectly understandable,...they are watching out for what they think is best for their child. But that means they are probably pressuring her to not see you. Her comment about things not being able to get better between the two of you if you stop attending kind of verifies that their faith, the consistency of their faith, and your lack of real belief, are important to them. Christians are warned in the Bible itself to not get married to unbelievers.

 

Well, the story is different. They don’t like my family, because of some things that happened in the past. These things have nothing to do with me or my dad.. These are things that happened with my uncle,.. She knows that, she always said that she knows we aren’t like that. Her family (uncles,..) isn’t better. I went to the church in the beginning for her. I didn’t really believe before i met her, but now i’m a believer. I didn’t say i will stop going to church. But i will go less or not for a while.

 

You have to understand that a good christian is also willing to forgive and especially not hating someone who has done nothing wrong. I’m not responsible for what my uncle or grandfather did. This is where i doubt their christianity... They are judging the book by its cover..

 

You have to understand her parents live like in 1950 and they just won’t allow her daughter to date with anyone. They always scare her and tell her that if she dates they will throw her away from the family. (False threats)

Edited November 27, 2018 by Codww2

[PRW]

I didn’t really believe before i met her, but now i’m a believer. I didn’t say i will stop going to church. But i will go less or not for a while.

 

Then you need to keep going or go to a different one. The faith is more important than "The Chick".

 

You have to understand that a good christian is also willing to forgive and especially not hating someone who has done nothing wrong

Good Christians look out for their children's well being. Being distrustful or skeptical about someone dating your daughter is not a crime. I've got a certain amount of formal training on the biblical matters,...I'll outrun you.

 

I’m not responsible for what my uncle or grandfather did. This is where i doubt their christianity... They are judging the book by its cover.

They are being cautious and sensible. Family history tends to repeat itself in later generations. It is up to you to prove them wrong. But you doubting their faith because they are cautious about accepting you is the bigger problem. You are the one "judging".

 

You have to understand her parents live like in 1950 and they just won’t allow her daughter to date. They always scare her and tell her that if she dates they will throw her away from the family. (False threats

Morals aren't dictated by the calendar. The 1950's happened almost 2000 years after the Biblical events, so the 1950's is pretty modern relatively speaking. I doubt her parents are stomping on grapes in a wooden vat to make wine, and separating wheat from the chaff on the threshing floor. The family values of the 1950's was a whole heck of a lot better than it is today. I don't put much stock in those "threats",...one, she could exaggerate them to you ,...two, you can exaggerate them to me/us. When I was a kid fathers used to say to a misbehaving child, "I brought you into this world, I can take you out",...no one took it seriously.

[Codww2]

Then you need to keep going or go to a different one. The faith is more important than "The Chick".

 

 

Good Christians look out for their children's well being. Being distrustful or skeptical about someone dating your daughter is not a crime. I've got a certain amount of formal training on the biblical matters,...I'll outrun you.

 

They are being cautious and sensible. Family history tends to repeat itself in later generations. It is up to you to prove them wrong. But you doubting their faith because they are cautious about accepting you is the bigger problem. You are the one "judging".

 

Morals aren't dictated by the calendar. The 1950's happened almost 2000 years after the Biblical events, so the 1950's is pretty modern relatively speaking. I doubt her parents are stomping on grapes in a wooden vat to make wine, and separating wheat from the chaff on the threshing floor. The family values of the 1950's was a whole heck of a lot better than it is today. I don't put much stock in those "threats",...one, she could exaggerate them to you ,...two, you can exaggerate them to me/us. When I was a kid fathers used to say to a misbehaving child, "I brought you into this world, I can take you out",...no one took it seriously.

 

I’m trying to move on, but she won’t stop calling or texting me in the evening... what does that mean?

Yesterday when i saw her, my phone was on the table and i was receiving some messages. And she took my phone and wanted to see who was texting me.. but i told her it was not her business...

Edited November 27, 2018 by Codww2

[PRW]

I’m trying to move on, but she won’t stop calling or texting me in the evening... what does that mean?

Yesterday when i saw her, my phone was on the table and i was receiving some messages. And she took my phone and wanted to see who was texting me.. but i told her it was not her business...

 

 

It means she is an insecure young girl that enjoys the attention and affirmation, which can also be seen in jealousy.

 

At her age, that is not all that unexpected. She'll grow out of it,...as you both need to do.

[Codww2]

It means she is an insecure young girl that enjoys the attention and affirmation, which can also be seen in jealousy.

 

At her age, that is not all that unexpected. She'll grow out of it,...as you both need to do.

 

So you are telling me there is no fixing this anymore?

I already said that yesterday we agreed on continueing the relationship and take it slow and see where it will get us. If it doesn’t work, then we will break up.

Edited November 27, 2018 by Codww2

[Garcon1986]

That's the same thing as telling a man who has never worked out before to pass the Marine Corps entrance physical examination test, the BUD/S. It takes time to mature your way out of jealousy.

[PRW]

So you are telling me there is no fixing this anymore?

I already said that yesterday we agreed on continueing the relationship and take it slow and see where it will get us. If it doesn’t work, then we will break up.

 

By when? This afternoon? By the end of the business day tomorrow? Probably nothing will change.

 

Later beyond that? Who knows?

 

Just go about your life. Go to the church like you ought to be doing. Treat her (and everyone else) the way you want to be treated. Show her, her family, and everyone else around you, that you are a decent well-balanced man who has his life together,...and isn't hand-wringing over some chick or clinging to her ankle as she drags him down the hall. Maybe her family will eventually think, "You know, maybe we were wrong about that guy" and think that it wouldn't be all that bad if their daughter was seeing him.