So disappointed

[donotmicrowave]

I’m 20, he’s 19. I met him abroad about a month ago on Tinder, we met up in the airport before my flight as we couldn’t make it work any other time. He drove there, was a gentleman, it was fun, we just chatted for a few hours. Before leaving he told me he’d take me to dinner next time I’m around (I go there every two months or so for work).

 

We kept in touch, although it got quiet quite often. Turned out I was going to go back to his country ca. 1 month later, so I gave him the dates and he said he’ll be free. A few days before the trip, he hits me up after a week of silence. I assumed it was a “hint” that he still remembers me or something like that. Turns out I was wrong.

 

Fast forward to now, I arrived to his country yesterday. Yesterday morning I messaged him and asked if he’s around over the weekend as I’m here. He responded and said something along the lines of “Damn it, I thought it was the next weekend. I’m currently *at this other place* as I need to catch up with university. But maybe I can drive over”. He’s an hour away (he really is) so I just responded saying that alright, I’m not sure what to say. He apologized and claimed he wasn’t sure if he can come over and proceeded to give me a few reasons. Said he’s really sorry and that he wants to meet, but just genuinely forgot that it was this weekend. I was quite upset so I left it without a response, till today. Just asked if it’s going to be January then (I’ll be here again in two months). Haven’t gotten a response yet.

 

I just feel so disappointed. Sure, I’ve only met him once, but I rarely get curious about people, and when I do, it’s very intense. I was very keen on meeting him, I was very excited. He never said that he can’t drive over for sure, but I’ve concluded that’s the case as he said it’s unlikely and that’s it. Also saw him online around 5AM. It was Friday night, maybe he randomly woke up and checked his phone, sure, a possibility. But I don’t know.

 

I actually feel quite bad. Would you bother with this?

 

Thanks for reading.

[GTR King]

Sounds like he is making a weak excuse just to get out of meeting you

[Kelliousme]

If he wanted to see you he would've remembered the right date. I'd assume he's far from being excited to see you if he did forget.

 

Now if he intentionally did not want to see you, it's even worse.

 

Just forget about this guy, not worth it.

[PRW]

Instead of guessing about it, just make specific plans to meet again. He will either do it, or he won't. Problem solved.

 

I've come close to forgetting about meeting someone just due to life's events. It didn't mean I didn't want to meet them, or I'm "not worth it", or I was making excuses. If I didn't want to meet them I would not have tried to make the date in the first place. You only met ONCE before, it isn't like the two of you owe each other anything anyway,...you are still strangers in reality. Don't get so twisted up over something so simple. Make new plans with the guy, the plans will either work out or they won't,...no one is going to die.

 

 

The guy is 19. He probably forgets to tie his shoes half the mornings anyway,...so what?. He can't even buy beer in the US yet.

Edited November 17, 2018 by PRW

[ExpatInItaly]

No, I wouldn't bother with this.

 

He's 19, you're only there every couple months, and he's already blanked on you even being there now. He's got other priorities, and fair enough, but he's not as interested in seeing you as you are in him.

 

The likelihood that this would turn into something are slim-to-none.

[donotmicrowave]

You only met ONCE before, it isn't like the two of you owe each other anything anyway,...you are still strangers in reality. Don't get so twisted up over something so simple. Make new plans with the guy, the plans will either work out or they won't,...no one is going to die.

 

As mentioned, I know we’ve met once. I also pointed out I got curious and therefore attached. I get attached and hurt easily. I’m just disappointed and hurt.

Edited November 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic commentary

[Simple Logic]

{snip}

I actually feel quite bad. Would you bother with this?

 

I wouldnt bother unless I was looking for a hook up while traveling.

Edited November 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[donotmicrowave]

Thanks for the responses. I’m just confused as he says he’s keen to meet, tries to sound fun and positive and all that. I don’t know anything about dating, not sure what’s normal and what isn’t.

 

I read somewhere that attraction and anxiety can feel fairly similar. Maybe I’m just afraid of the rejection and “loss”. I don’t know, I just know it doesn’t feel good.

[ExpatInItaly]

I get attached and hurt easily.

 

This is why it would be best to stay away from long-distance Tinder deals.

 

It's not the ideal circumstance to meet a serious dating candidate in any case, but it's a particularly risky prospect if you have some attachment issues.

 

I would stick to local guys you could see more regularly and build a solid relationship with.

Edited November 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to edited post

[stillafool]

Would you bother with this?

 

 

No. I may be a little disappointed if I found him cute, but given that he forgot when we were supposed to meet my attraction would fade. When I was 20 I had a very short attention span too when it came to guys.

[stillafool]

Thanks for the responses. I’m just confused as he says he’s keen to meet, tries to sound fun and positive and all that. I don’t know anything about dating, not sure what’s normal and what isn’t.

 

I read somewhere that attraction and anxiety can feel fairly similar. Maybe I’m just afraid of the rejection and “loss”. I don’t know, I just know it doesn’t feel good.

 

I didn't know you have never dated before. So I guess this is making you anxious. I agree with ExpatInItaly that you should first date guys you meet in person. I caution you not to get so serious about them so soon.

[smackie9]

As mentioned, I know we’ve met once. I also pointed out I got curious and therefore attached. I get attached and hurt easily. I’m just disappointed and hurt.

He's trying to point out something very valid here....the guy isn't your issue, it's you always getting so attached is your issue, and that is what you should be working on. You say it gets you hurt, well isn't that a problem? Stop blaming the guy or guys you have run into. The reality is this is what dating is going to be like (a lot), so you better learn to grow a thick skin. There isn't any other way out of this situation and others to come. Stop being so invested when you see there is very little to invest in. A) this guy lives in another country, B) he has a very busy schedule, C) you know very little about this person, D) you met once and it was for what an hour or two? E) there were spells of a week or two you didn't even communicate. F) it's very possible he's got a few girls he's sleeping with/dating/etc.

 

 

 

He's not some shining knight awaiting for your return...he's a 19 year old uni student/ frat boy horn dog with the attention span of a gnat.

Edited November 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to edited post.

[BaileyB]

I think it was always a longshot - that he would still be interested, that it would ever become anything serious with the distance... try not to be too disappointed. Some things work out, and some things don’t. Take care.

[Versacehottie]

He's trying to point out something very valid here....the guy isn't your issue, it's you always getting so attached is your issue, and that is what you should be working on. You say it gets you hurt, well isn't that a problem? Stop blaming the guy or guys you have run into. The reality is this is what dating is going to be like (a lot), so you better learn to grow a thick skin. There isn't any other way out of this situation and others to come. Stop being so invested when you see there is very little to invest in. A) this guy lives in another country, B) he has a very busy schedule, C) you know very little about this person, D) you met once and it was for what an hour or two? E) there were spells of a week or two you didn't even communicate. F) it's very possible he's got a few girls he's sleeping with/dating/etc.

 

 

 

He's not some shining knight awaiting for your return...he's a 19 year old uni student/ frat boy horn dog with the attention span of a gnat.

 

I agree. Sorry, OP, your expectations are a bit out of line. sure would it be nice if you could have met up a second time, yes. The fact that he forgot or is using that as an excuse is your signal that you should drop it and not invest in something that is unsustainable. It doesn't really matter how you are since it takes two people to make a relationship and the right circumstances--you can't just think about it from your point of view. IMO, choosing a guy from a) another country b) who's 19 c) via Tinder stacks the odds against you for starters. You just have to be realistic that there isn't much there to work with.

[Versacehottie]

I can understand that you are disappointed. I'll use the word a little dramatic about it. Seems like you are trying to start a fight with someone who gave you genuine advice. The fact won't change that the guy you wanted to meet you didn't follow through. Hey you don't always get what you want. Seems like a good lesson to learn (and see whatever your feelings are won't change that fact). Good luck

Edited November 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LoverOfDance]

This boy is a 19 year old on tinder. He's a kid and you're quite young yourself. Another thing is that he lives very far away. There is a very slim chance of this going anywhere. You shouldn't have taken him seriously from the start but because you are young and don't have much dating experience, you didn't know better.

 

A lot of men/boys will disappoint you. We are pretty much just telling you to get ready for it. Develop a thick skin so that you can learn how to NOT dwell on the hurt and move on faster.

Edited November 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Whodatdog]

Okay, so you're disappointed. As was said, the issue is how you are handling this. It shouldnt be such a dramatic time in your life. You met him once, it was fine. The next time didnt work out. You are not in a relationship with him, you are barely friends. You have to learn to not get so attached at so little given to you, otherwise you will have an extremely difficult time with dating in the future.

[ExpatInItaly]

I’m just hurt, that is all. I said I don’t know what’s right and what isn’t and asked if others would bother. That was all.

 

There's no definitive right or wrong, exactly.

 

I think your expectations were too high going into this, considering the circumstances. That's all. It's normal to be disappointed but it is also critical to keep both feet on the ground if you're meeting people - especially young guys who live in another country - on a dating/hook-up app like Tinder.

 

It seems there were a couple signs that you were taking this more seriously than he was. Him going quiet for stretches and completely forgetting you were going to be in his country, to be specific. I just think he saw this as a bit of fun, while you were hoping for something more.

 

Which leads me to my next question: where did you see this going? How did you envision something more could develop given the complicated logistics? Those are sincere questions, by the way. The answers would help us understand your current frame of mind a bit more.

[donotmicrowave]

There's no definitive right or wrong, exactly.

 

I think your expectations were too high going into this, considering the circumstances. That's all. It's normal to be disappointed but it is also critical to keep both feet on the ground if you're meeting people - especially young guys who live in another country - on a dating/hook-up app like Tinder.

 

It seems there were a couple signs that you were taking this more seriously than he was. Him going quiet for stretches and completely forgetting you were going to be in his country, to be specific. I just think he saw this as a bit of fun, while you were hoping for something more.

 

Which leads me to my next question: where did you see this going? How did you envision something more could develop given the complicated logistics? Those are sincere questions, by the way. The answers would help us understand your current frame of mind a bit more.

 

Thanks for this.

 

I did not expect a serious relationship, it’s not something I look for. When it comes then I’ll welcome it, but it will not be with him, that’s obvious.

 

We had a nice time when we met. I didn’t mind the breaks in texting all that much because when we got back in touch, it was great. He didn’t hit me up in the middle of the night or out of boredom either, neither did I. I just like the closeness I guess. But I don’t want the commitment, even though I’m not seeing other guys. The issue just is that I cannot be attracted to the men in my country. I just cannot. I’ve talked to my therapist about it and it’s simply trauma related. Because of it I have difficulty just speaking my own language as I hate it so much. But I can’t move right now.

 

The main reason why I’m so uncomfortable and disappointed is probably because I don’t understand. When I’m confused then in my mind it just immediately makes me vulnerable, which makes me feel weak. Confusion and rejection things I don’t handle well.

[FMW]

I'm sorry you were hurt and disappointed. I try to use my own hurt and disappointment as guidelines for the future so that hopefully my expectations will be kept in line. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes not. And I'm much older than you

[ExpatInItaly]

The main reason why I’m so uncomfortable and disappointed is probably because I don’t understand. When I’m confused then in my mind it just immediately makes me vulnerable, which makes me feel weak. Confusion and rejection things I don’t handle well.

 

Don't understand what, specifically? Why he didn't want to see you again?

[sabaton]

Don't understand what, specifically? Why he didn't want to see you again?

 

 

He probably made up a big story of how much he wanted to see her, how eager he was to spend time with her, and then when she showed up in his Country and wanted to meet him.. well, you know what happened. He made up a lame excuse to not see her.

Edited November 17, 2018 by sabaton

[donotmicrowave]

He probably made up a big story of how much he wanted to see her, how eager he was to spend time with her, and then when she showed up in his Country and wanted to meet him.. well, you know what happened. He made up a lame excuse to not see her.

 

Alright, it’s pretty clear there was 0 effort from his part, as I extended my stay to simply hang out and he 1. forgot the date and then 2. wouldn’t make the trip. Why the hell bother with keeping me around still? It’s weird how understanding, positive and reassuring he is now. Is it just to have me as an option or something?

[donotmicrowave]

Don't understand what, specifically? Why he didn't want to see you again?

 

I cannot know for sure if he genuinely didn’t want to meet. The posters here say he didn’t and 99.9% of the time, they’re correct. It’s confusing getting these comments and then messages from him, saying he’s keen to meet, that he understands I’m uncomfortable and if I didn’t want to meet again, it’d be okay. And then there are his actions. Or, lack of them.

 

This just puts me in a limbo. I’d probably get my clarity in 2 months or if he decides to cut contact before January hits. I’d honestly feel better if I knew for sure he simply flaked. But right now, I just don’t bloody know.

[ExpatInItaly]

Alright, it’s pretty clear there was 0 effort from his part, as I extended my stay to simply hang out and he 1. forgot the date and then 2. wouldn’t make the trip. Why the hell bother with keeping me around still? It’s weird how understanding, positive and reassuring he is now. Is it just to have me as an option or something?

 

Yes, exactly. He kept chatting you up so you'll be interested when it's convenient for him. It just so happens it's not convenient for him this time, since he's evidently got other plans he is more interested in. He's not putting as much weight into this as you are.

 

It's actually quite typical behaviour of someone who sees you as an option. If he's on Tinder, he's probably got other local girls he's seeing or hooking up with too. I realize it's not pleasant to hear that when you're into someone, but if you're using dating apps, it's best to get used to the idea that your crush is probably talking to and dating other girls. This is especially true when you have only met in person briefly one time, and he's in another country and wouldn't see you frequently. And only 19. He's not putting himself on hold for you until you're in his area, in other words.

 

I am curious about something, though. You mentioned he was understanding and reassuring. About what, exactly?