Guilt or Generosity

[Lotus_Luna]

If your Ex went out of their way to assist you at cost to them financially and time wise, would you assume it’s out of guilt or generosity? Guilt over the break up, they hurt you and they don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’. Or generosity because they still care for you as a person and are willing to help.

[basil67]

Luna, what's the context to this question? The answer would depend enormously on the background of the people involved and the situation.

[Logo]

It depends on the ex. But it's usually guilt.

 

 

People will go to great lengths to alleviate guilt. They might suddenly remember the most random, minor detail about you and use that to do something nice for you.

[Logo]

Luna, what's the context to this question? The answer would depend enormously on the background of the people involved and the situation.

 

 

 

 

If things ended amicably, then it could very well be that the ex still cares.

[Mr. Lucky]

If your Ex went out of their way to assist you at cost to them financially and time wise, would you assume it’s out of guilt or generosity? Guilt over the break up, they hurt you and they don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’. Or generosity because they still care for you as a person and are willing to help.

 

As I said in another thread, any conduct can be viewed as self-serving and, on some level, it may very well be. I tend to look at effect rather than intent, so a helpful ex would get some props from me.

 

Sounds like any confusion could be cleared up with an honest conversation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotus_Luna]

Things ended on good terms. Both partners were respectful and understanding.

The EX offered to be of assistance and went above and beyond what as necessary. They just wanted to be helpful and are thankful to make the other person happy.

[DKT3]

What difference does it make, your both married to other people. I would say it his way to get you to back off without you hating him for not wanting what you want.

[Lotus_Luna]

What difference does it make, your both married to other people. I would say it his way to get you to back off without you hating him for not wanting what you want.

 

What an interesting assumption that I hated him and that I needed to back off.

 

Neither true to the situation.

[Malin889]

Lotus, I thought your husband was abusive and controlling - are you talking about him or someone else?

[Lotus_Luna]

Lotus, I thought your husband was abusive and controlling - are you talking about him or someone else?

 

Not him... he comes with stipulations... if he does something nice like, bring me flowers he posts them on Insta but in real life he walked in the house and tossed them on the counter. It was a show... or if he does something to help me with the kids then I owe him. Very rarely is it genuinely from a selfless place, he just doesn’t work that way because he feels that i don’t give enough to earn his affection.

[Ronni_W]

If your Ex went out of their way to assist you at cost to them financially and time wise, would you assume it’s out of guilt or generosity?

Two of my exes, with whom I remained friends after the break-up, did exactly that, each more than once. There was never any question in my mind as to why they did it:

first reason is that they really are just nice people (otherwise I wouldn't have gotten into a long-term relationship with them in the first place, and/or wouldn't have stayed friends with them after)...

...and the second reason is that I am also just a nice person.

 

Just because two people cannot make a relationship work does not change their basic nature. You know the person, so you likely know what motivates them; and, that's likely the reason they're doing it.

 

 

By the way, though, there is also a third possible motivation...to control/manipulate, in some or another way. Just saying. .

[alphamale]

If your Ex went out of their way to assist you at cost to them financially and time wise, would you assume it’s out of guilt or generosity? Guilt over the break up, they hurt you and they don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’. Or generosity because they still care for you as a person and are willing to help.

 

it depends who broke up with whom

[Lotus_Luna]

Two of my exes, with whom I remained friends after the break-up, did exactly that, each more than once. There was never any question in my mind as to why they did it:

first reason is that they really are just nice people (otherwise I wouldn't have gotten into a long-term relationship with them in the first place, and/or wouldn't have stayed friends with them after)...

...and the second reason is that I am also just a nice person.

 

Just because two people cannot make a relationship work does not change their basic nature. You know the person, so you likely know what motivates them; and, that's likely the reason they're doing it.

 

 

By the way, though, there is also a third possible motivation...to control/manipulate, in some or another way. Just saying. .

 

I think this is a great point, because mature and kind people are like this. How people act when a relationship ends says a lot about their character.

 

I never had big fall outs, I was usually friends. But our lives unzipped and we rarely ran into one another.

[Lotus_Luna]

it depends who broke up with whom

 

Curious why? Because of the dumpee went out of their way it would be an attempt to get back together?

 

The ex broke ended the relationship.

[DKT3]

What an interesting assumption that I hated him and that I needed to back off.

 

Neither true to the situation.

 

I didn't make an assumption on either. I didn't say you hated him, I said he doesn't want you to hate him. The other you've said that he doesn't want what you want. You want a full on relationship with sex he doesn't.

 

I honestly don't think you are seeing this clearly. From how you contradict your own points I think you may be in denial about the true nature of the relationship from his perspective.

Edited November 17, 2018 by DKT3

[Lotus_Luna]

I didn't make an assumption on either. I didn't say you hated him, I said he doesn't want you to hate him. The other you've said that he doesn't want what you want. You want a full on relationship with sex he doesn't.

 

I honestly don't think you are seeing this clearly. From how you contradict your own points I think you may be in denial about the true nature of the relationship from his perspective.

 

Interesting, go on...

[alphamale]

Curious why? Because of the dumpee went out of their way it would be an attempt to get back together?

 

The ex broke ended the relationship.

 

then it's out of guilt

[Lotus_Luna]

then it's out of guilt

 

That’s what I was assuming. Hoping to ease his guilt by being generous with his time and efforts. Now he can sleep at night.

[Ronni_W]

, because mature and kind people are like this.

Right, exactly. People who have the self-esteem and self-confidence, and know that they are kind and caring, do not even think to act from a place of, "I'm going to do this or that

so that the other person won't hate me." It just doesn't enter their mind.

 

I would say, though, that it depends on one's definition of 'mature' -- you can recognize the kind and caring nature of people as young as 4- or 6- or 10-years old. I think that,

for some people, a part of it is just inherent or in-born; others can, and have, developed it over time.

How people act when a relationship ends says a lot about their character.

Agree, again. . That's why I think it's a good idea to find out as much as possible about the dynamics of a potential partner's prior relationships...especially romantic but also familial.

(Not the details of numbers of lovers or types of positions, but the psycho-spiritual dynamics.)

 

Like you, I also never felt any need to not remain on friendly terms...but some people's egos do seem to need to have to run-down or denigrate their ex at every turn. Sometimes it's blatant, sometimes it's through veiled negative comments directed at, or about, the ex.

 

You also said, "But our lives unzipped and we rarely ran into one another" -- but I'm not really sure how that fits in with the rest of it(?)

[alphamale]

Now he can sleep at night.

 

don't you hate it when the ex gets a good nights sleep?

[elaine567]

That’s what I was assuming. Hoping to ease his guilt by being generous with his time and efforts. Now he can sleep at night.

Is he a generous type of guy usually? If not, then it is probably guilt or he wants something from you or he has had some sort of a mystical experience...

[Ronni_W]

That’s what I was assuming. Hoping to ease his guilt by being generous with his time and efforts. Now he can sleep at night.

It's not that cut-and-dried, though. Some people, to ease their guilty conscience, just go into denial and blame...because it still does take Energy and effort to be generous with one's time and

to make physical efforts. So, if someone is at least willing to expend time and efforts...then that, in and of itself, says something about their basic nature or character.

[DKT3]

Right, exactly. People who have the self-esteem and self-confidence, and know that they are kind and caring, do not even think to act from a place of, "I'm going to do this or that

so that the other person won't hate me." It just doesn't enter their mind.

 

<SNIP>

The people you two are describing dont have extra marital relationships.

Edited November 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lotus_Luna]

don't you hate it when the ex gets a good nights sleep?

 

No, honestly I wouldn’t want him to feel it’s his job to ease my distress. I don’t want to be used to relieve his own guilt.

 

I am responsible for how I handle the end of a relationship. I do not expect or ask that he assist me in processing it.

 

I think that can be applied likewise.

[Lotus_Luna]

Is he a generous type of guy usually? If not, then it is probably guilt or he wants something from you or he has had some sort of a mystical experience...

 

What’s a mystical experience?