When To Tell Her I Don't Want a Relationship?.

[Larry88]

When is it a good time to tell a woman I've been on some dates with that I am not interested in committing to a serious exclusive relationship?.

 

I'm thinking when I see signs of her liking me more after each date like by the 3rd or 4th date. Telling her on a 1st date would come across as too presumptupus because I can't rightly assume that she wants to be my girlfriend just because she agreed to go out with me. At the same time waiting 9-10 dates is too long because if I make it to 9-10 dates then chances are she is falling too deep in love with me.

 

I want to tell her before she has a chance to fall too deep for me.

[d0nnivain]

You keep your mouth shut on the subject until she brings it up. Then you tell her you like what you two have going on but you are not interested in exclusivity.

 

By definition -- by the time you have had several dates you have a relationship with each other even it's just causally, not exclusive -- there is an established pattern of what how you interact with one another: a relationship.

 

Don't worry. After waiting a week to call, only having a 1/2 hour 1st date & then shaking her hand good bye, you won't have many shots at having to have this conversation no matter what. Very few women will still around if you apply the plans you laid out in your other posts.

[basil67]

I would simply have a generic "what are you looking for?" conversation. Not specifically about each other, but what she's looking for in general. It could well be that she doesn't want anything serious either. Or she might. But either way, she also needs to know what you're looking for ....and this conversation should have already happened.

[smackie9]

My personal experience I never had to bring it up...the guy always did.

[smackie9]

I would simply have a generic "what are you looking for?" conversation. Not specifically about each other, but what she's looking for in general. It could well be that she doesn't want anything serious either. Or she might. But either way, she also needs to know what you're looking for ....and this conversation should have already happened.

I was thinking the same thing.....better to get expectations out there so no one feels they are getting shafted.

[basil67]

I was thinking the same thing.....better to get expectations out there so no one feels they are getting shafted.

 

Yes, I'd be mighty annoyed if a guy had been dating me and showing me a great time but hadn't bothered to tell me that he didn't want a relationship. Mind you, I would already have initiated the conversation in order to protect myself from being shafted.

[Larry88]

You keep your mouth shut on the subject until she brings it up. Then you tell her you like what you two have going on but you are not interested in exclusivity.

 

By definition -- by the time you have had several dates you have a relationship with each other even it's just causally, not exclusive -- there is an established pattern of what how you interact with one another: a relationship.

 

Don't worry. After waiting a week to call, only having a 1/2 hour 1st date & then shaking her hand good bye, you won't have many shots at having to have this conversation no matter what. Very few women will still around if you apply the plans you laid out in your other posts.

 

 

The thing is I don't bring it up if I want to be her boyfriend. I wait for her to ask me where this is going. However when I'm not interested I think the onus is on me to bring it up if she is showing a trend of wanting to get closer. To be more specific like certain actions such as asking me to spend the night or she tries to get sexual with me or she buys me a gift or offers to rain errands for me, she talks about the future in terms of date suggestions, etc. That is the time to stop her and say "I don't know what you are hoping to get out of our time together but I need to let you know I have no intentions of committing". This is before accepting any of the above gestures. Then she has to decide where to go from there.

 

It is more important to be direct and upfront when I have low interest but it is ok to hide it for a time when I have high interest level.

[BaileyB]

When is it a good time to tell a woman I've been on some dates with that I am not interested in committing to a serious exclusive relationship?

 

For me, I would want to know on the first date. That way, I wouldn't waste my time dating someone who had very different relationship goals than me.

[basil67]

Ah, you threw me when you said you don't want a serious relationship. I thought you were speaking generically rather than about her specifically.

 

Just tell her straight up that while you enjoy her company, you just aren't feeling it.

[d0nnivain]

Fine. Then you have to bring it up when you see that happening. There is no specific # of dates.

 

You seem to be looking for a formula. There really isn't one. Every situation is different.

[Larry88]

I just don't want her retaliating against me if she thinks I led her on. I never know. I have read stories of men being accused of rape because she felt he led her on by having sex eithout telling her his intentions. So defintely before she initates sexual contact I would need to tell her.

[elaine567]

I just don't want her retaliating against me if she thinks I led her on. I never know. I have read stories of men being accused of rape because she felt he led her on by having sex eithout telling her his intentions. So defintely before she initates sexual contact I would need to tell her.

 

 

You tell her as as possible, otherwise it IS leading her on.

She may not want a relationship with you either, but best you know what page you are both on from the get go.

Fair enough if your aim is to see where it goes, but if you know from day one then you should be upfront.

Dating is hard enough without having to negotiate time wasters and users.

[Versacehottie]

idk, this may seem like a basic answer: but why keep taking her out?

 

on one hand, one would think one of the prime benefits of wanting casual relationships is to do exactly that and experience different people rather than continually date one person who you don't have and don't intend to have those sorts of feelings for. I would think the presence of her having deeper feelings for you would make you uncomfortable and want to bail. Plus if you are seeing her as often as 10 "dates" i kind of think you are in a not-casual relationship, even if it hasn't been defined one way or another. The repetitive seeing of each other that often is effectively something. If you don't have feelings for her like that and have seen her that often, I'd say you are leading her on.

 

I think any discussion or waiting til she approaches you with "what are we", would be your attempt to have your cake and eat it too as long as possible. IMO.

[basil67]

I just don't want her retaliating against me if she thinks I led her on. I never know. I have read stories of men being accused of rape because she felt he led her on by having sex eithout telling her his intentions. So defintely before she initates sexual contact I would need to tell her.

 

You're over complicating this. Just stop seeing her.

[Larry88]

You're over complicating this. Just stop seeing her.

 

Unless she is ok with dating indefintely without a definitive label on where it is going.

[Versacehottie]

You're over complicating this. Just stop seeing her.

 

yes, any retaliation that you are worried about is more likely, the longer you lead her on. Also there was nothing you said about her to indicate that she is a psycho who will retaliate. Idk, you could just do the "right" thing because idk, you're a good human? It's an idea...

[BaileyB]

I just don't want her retaliating against me if she thinks I led her on. I never know. I have read stories of men being accused of rape because she felt he led her on by having sex eithout telling her his intentions. So defintely before she initates sexual contact I would need to tell her.

 

If you are not feeling it, you need to tell her yesterday. Seriously, the moment that you are sure. To go on any more dates with her when you are sure that it's not going to be anything - particularly if she is looking for a serious relationship - is misleading and it is wrong.

 

Definitely, DO NOT have sex with the woman if you are not feeling it. If she wants casual sex, fine. But, unless you have specifically told her how you are feeling and clarified that she is feeling the same way... That is a cruel and awful thing to do to a woman. Don't do it.

[Nilfiry]

I think the real question is why bother going on dates at all if you are not looking for any serious relationships. To each their own, but I personally think it is just a waste of time, and if you do not tread carefully, you can potentially end up making things bad for everyone.

 

Nevertheless, modern dating is actually pretty accepting of dating without serious commitments. As a matter of fact, many people are doing it. It is perfectly fine to let the person that you are dating know that you are not interested in serious commitments on the very first date--or even before that.

 

Those that are OK with it will naturally not have an issue, and you give those who are looking for something serious a chance to back out gracefully without any hard feelings attached. If you say nothing, then not only do you risk leading people on, but you also risk creating hard feelings (for yourself and others) and wasting the time of people who ARE looking for something serious. Do yourself and the person you are dating a favor and make these things clear beforehand. Why risk the emotional and physical trouble?

[Gretchen12]

Larry, I don't think it's healthy to imagine scenarios too far ahead. You were just now talking about getting girls' numbers and not calling for a week. So right now we are not talking about a girl you have been dating or even plan on seeing the first time, or even having a number of a girl you really like. Because we are not talking about a real person here, the theorizing is detachment and that's why it doesn't feel grounded and healthy to me.

[hippychick3]

Larry, I don't think you'll make it to 9-10 dates if you're waiting a week to call and limiting the first date to 30 minutes that end with a handshake.

[Larry88]

Larry, I don't think it's healthy to imagine scenarios too far ahead. You were just now talking about getting girls' numbers and not calling for a week. So right now we are not talking about a girl you have been dating or even plan on seeing the first time, or even having a number of a girl you really like. Because we are not talking about a real person here, the theorizing is detachment and that's why it doesn't feel grounded and healthy to me.

 

 

This kind of scenario is not a far fetched one so I think it is worth talking about ahead of time and taking notes. That's like saying we shouldn't talk about what to do in case of a fire in a building just because we don't know that a fire will ever take place. I don't anticipate a tornado ripping up my house but that doesn't mean it is unhealthy to have a discussion about that scenario as preventive maintenence tips. If the scenario never comes true then fine. No harm has been done in discussing it.

[guest569]

If you don’t want a committed relationship at all: before the first date.

 

If you don’t want a committed relationship with her specifically: as soon as you are aware of this fact, figured out what you want.

[basil67]

If you don’t want a committed relationship at all: before the first date.

 

If you don’t want a committed relationship with her specifically: as soon as you are aware of this fact, figured out what you want.

 

This ^

 

It's not rocket science

[BaileyB]

It's not rocket science

 

No, it is not. It could otherwise be referred to as... common sense.

[BaileyB]

Larry, I don't think you'll make it to 9-10 dates if you're waiting a week to call and limiting the first date to 30 minutes that end with a handshake.

 

No. With this strategy, I think dating is going to be really hard for you....