Starfish82 Posted November 16, 2018 Posted November 16, 2018 My boyfriend of a year or so is moving house. He's going about it in a quite disorganised way so the move is spread out over several weekends. He seems to expect me to help with everything, but we're not living together and not moving in together. I think it's a bit unfair for him to feel entitled to endless amounts of my time helping him and providing free labour - especially when he is doing it in this inefficient way and refusing to listen to any suggestions. He seems annoyed about this though. Am I being selfish? Should I be spending two entire weekends helping him move? I've already spent several weekends helping him shop for furniture and feel things are a bit unbalanced between us right now. He's promised to help me with some things which, because of the house move, has not been done.
Garcon1986 Posted November 16, 2018 Posted November 16, 2018 Spreading it across two weekends has been done before, so I would generally be ok with doing that sort of thing. If it's a trend in the past of him constantly needing your help, then I would say there's something more fishy going on here.
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2018 Posted November 16, 2018 Assuming you have already given him some of your time, tell him that you have other obligations & since he's not in a position to help you because of his move, you will need to go attend to your business. Then you go do your stuff & show up at one of his houses with some take out after the heavy lifting is done. It is his move & his life. He can do it as inefficiently as he likes. I know that is totally maddening but it may simply be a point of incompatibility for you. Keep it in mind as you get more serious. Assume it will never change. Can you do this for a lifetime? 2
Happy Lemming Posted November 16, 2018 Posted November 16, 2018 I don't know if this applies or not, but moving can stress people out and they procrastinate. My girlfriend was forced to move apartments (downsize). I attempted to plan the move (on my part) prepped my truck, and picked up about 30 boxes and 6 rolls of tape (1 week in advance). When I arrived the day of the move, she had not packed one box. The stress of moving had thrown her into an emotional "tail spin" and she just couldn't pack anything. She needed me to "hold her hand" for the moving process. So, I packed the boxes, labeled and moved them first, then I moved the furniture. We didn't have the luxury of taking a couple of weeks to do the move, so I was forced to do the whole move myself. Is this move causing your boyfriend angst or fear?? Is he excited about the move?? Is he a procrastinator by nature or just moving?? Yes, I agree a multiple weekend move is inefficient and difficult, thus my theory he is having some angst about the move?? By the same token, you should not be expected to assist with this multiple weekend move. In my case, my girlfriend couldn't do the move and if I hadn't done the whole move, she would have been evicted. 2
Gaeta Posted November 16, 2018 Posted November 16, 2018 It seems selfish of you to not want to devote 2 weekends to your boyfriend to help him out with something as stressful as moving. In my relationship there no limit of time on our help to each other. We support each other until the job is done. Sometimes it's him helping me, sometimes it's me helping him, at the end it all balances. The most important is we know we can count on each other. 1
stillafool Posted November 16, 2018 Posted November 16, 2018 Just tell him you don't feel like helping and wish him luck. I wouldn't be bothered.
kendahke Posted November 16, 2018 Posted November 16, 2018 (edited) My boyfriend of a year or so is moving house. He's going about it in a quite disorganised way so the move is spread out over several weekends. He seems to expect me to help with everything, but we're not living together and not moving in together. I think it's a bit unfair for him to feel entitled to endless amounts of my time helping him and providing free labour - especially when he is doing it in this inefficient way and refusing to listen to any suggestions. He seems annoyed about this though. Am I being selfish? Should I be spending two entire weekends helping him move? I've already spent several weekends helping him shop for furniture and feel things are a bit unbalanced between us right now. He's promised to help me with some things which, because of the house move, has not been done. So, you're giving to get, is that it? You're expecting to be spending some nights over there in his new place, right? If you were really sick and couldn't get out of bed but had no food or medication, how much expectation would you have for him to come over and spend his free time taking care of you, even though you were the one who went out without a decent coat on and got soaked through to the skin knowing it's November? Yes, I think you're being really selfish and this attitude speaks to a fundamental problem that going to decimate the foundation of your relationship. You're proving to him that you can't be counted on. Life isn't neat, orderly and tidy 24/7/365. Sometimes, life comes at us fast and we're not as prepared as our fantasies would have us believe we always are---and you need to lean on people you supposedly can trust to help you. If the case is you're not that kind of chick, then let him know that so he knows who to invest in who will have his back when needed. Expect for him now to look at you in a different light. I certainly would. Edited November 16, 2018 by kendahke 1
Mrs._December Posted November 16, 2018 Posted November 16, 2018 Am I being selfish? Should I be spending two entire weekends helping him move? I've already spent several weekends helping him shop for furniture and feel things are a bit unbalanced between us right now. He's promised to help me with some things which, because of the house move, has not been done. Apparently in the eyes of some, you're extremely selfish for not happily busting your ass for him every single second he needs you - regardless of the fact that you've already dedicated SEVERAL weekends to his upcoming house move. I'd let him know he can count on you for one weekend but you may not able to help on the 2nd weekend. And since he has such a crappy attitude about expecting your help rather than appreciating it, I'd think real long and hard about that 2nd weekend. Real long and hard. And so what if you plan on spending a few nights at his new place? That doesn't mean you owe him your life in free labor. Big deal if you stay there every now and then. I'm sure he spends nights at your place as well, so it's not like his new home is some kind of 'gift' for you or something. Do what you're comfortable doing but never let anyone take advantage of you.
Els Posted November 16, 2018 Posted November 16, 2018 Is he genuinely appreciative of your help, or is it something that he just acts like he'd entitled to? If he's appreciative, I would do it. If he views it as something that you're "obligated" to do though, I wouldn't.
Gaeta Posted November 16, 2018 Posted November 16, 2018 Apparently in the eyes of some, you're extremely selfish for not happily busting your ass for him every single second he needs you - regardless of the fact that you've already dedicated SEVERAL weekends to his upcoming house move. She went furniture shopping with him, that's hardly busting anything. The moving itself will happen over 2 weekends why is this a big deal? And since he has such a crappy attitude about expecting your help rather than appreciating it, I'd think real long and hard about that 2nd weekend. Real long and hard. Maybe he has a crappy attitude because his GF made it clear she's not into 'helping'. If you ask your boyfriend to help you with moving and he rolls his eyes and sigh you may react with a crappy attitude.
No_Go Posted November 16, 2018 Posted November 16, 2018 It seems selfish of you to not want to devote 2 weekends to your boyfriend to help him out with something as stressful as moving. In my relationship there no limit of time on our help to each other. We support each other until the job is done. Sometimes it's him helping me, sometimes it's me helping him, at the end it all balances. The most important is we know we can count on each other. Yeah WTH... even friends help each other moving let alone partners. My BF has built so many things around my house not because I asked him but if he sees something is unsafe, he goes ahead and fixes it/adds whatever is missing. In the summer one of these projects took him maybe 2 full weekends manual labor, it was in my attic and it was HOT, literally unbearable heat under my roof. I don’t remember him counting time or complaining he’s wasting his summer because that’s what loved ones do for each other. If he needs my help too I’d never question giving it, let alone count if it’s ‘balanced’. It shouldn’t be 50/50 but 100/100, is both people giving their all. 3
Author Starfish82 Posted November 21, 2018 Author Posted November 21, 2018 Yeah WTH... even friends help each other moving let alone partners. My BF has built so many things around my house not because I asked him but if he sees something is unsafe, he goes ahead and fixes it/adds whatever is missing. In the summer one of these projects took him maybe 2 full weekends manual labor, it was in my attic and it was HOT, literally unbearable heat under my roof. I don’t remember him counting time or complaining he’s wasting his summer because that’s what loved ones do for each other. If he needs my help too I’d never question giving it, let alone count if it’s ‘balanced’. It shouldn’t be 50/50 but 100/100, is both people giving their all. Hell if my boyfriend was like that I wouldn't be hesitating now either. But whenever my bf has helped me in the past, he has made sure it was limited and made it clear to me that he won't give me endless amounts of his time/energy to do everything I might want him to do. It's interesting this seems to have divided opinions. I tend to watch carefully for what I'm getting vs giving in relationships because I've had really bad experiences before. I've given and given to someone who refused to take responsibility for anything in their life and just felt entitled. Needless to say I got nothing in return except chaos and disappointment. And I promised myself I will never accept that again. Surely it's good - in terms of being responsible to yourself - to not let this happen? Also if he had been organised, packed everything up so it could be moved in one day, then I would have been happy to help. But instead he was doing it piecemeal with no strategy at all. So the rough plan was to get it done in 2 weeks but it could have stretched out more, up to 3 or 4 weeks, which just doesn't seem fair to me. This is after several weekends of furniture shopping and the novelty of that wore off very quickly as it's not my own furniture, not my flat and I can't make any decisions. Anyway, I did help him for an afternoon on Saturday. And because I was involved and 'directing operations' as it were, the whole thing suddenly became a lot more efficient and we got it done in 3 hours
Author Starfish82 Posted November 21, 2018 Author Posted November 21, 2018 I don't know if this applies or not, but moving can stress people out and they procrastinate. Good point. I think there was a fair amount of that in his case as well. Though my bf wasn't in danger of being evicted, he tends to be anxious and overthink things. I could tell from our conversations that he had a multitude of unnecessary worries about the move and they kept going round and round in his head to the point where he wasn't thinking clearly and couldn't prioritise. I think that's part of why he did not come up with a plan or any strategy for the move, which obviously made things worse. I tried to devise a plan for him -I thought that was a better way to help- but he just got annoyed with me. 1
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