Nervous about visiting boyfriend's parents

[jnr586]

35-year-old guy here. I have been coming out gradually since 2014 although now I'd say I'm pretty much quite out. Not shouting it from the rooftops and not fully out at work though I'm surprised that more of my senior colleagues don't know that I'm in a fairly serious relationship with someone in our collective professional sphere.

 

I have been dating my current boyfriend for about 8 months now. I dated quite a bit before that but this guy seemed quite special from the start. The seriousness of my relationship with him prompted me to come out to my sister in May and my parents in July (he did the same with his family in July). Everything with my parents could not have gone better. My parents and sister were visiting me in October, so he met everyone then. Everything with that could not have gone better. He was an absolute gentleman just by being himself and he instantly felt, to me and to I think everyone else, part of the family.

 

He's slated to visit his home in Europe for about a month starting in December to sort out visa renewals, etc. He hasn't seen his parents since January. He wants me to visit for a few days around the new year to see his home, meet his family, etc. And I am completely anxiety-ridden over it. I'm not quite sure why. I visited his country a few years ago with my family and loved it.

 

I think there are a few reasons for it. A minor anxiety-inducer is the money associated with the plane ticket. Expensive but not insurmountable. I have always been single and I have always had days around Christmas and New Year's to laze around my childhood home and spend time with my parents. Selfishly, I'm scared of sacrificing some of those days (I know, live a little). I'm nervous to meet his parents and family in this immersive fashion (will this be non-stop stressful 'on' time?). Lastly, the trip will likely force me to be a little more out at work as it will be difficult to take a transcontinental flight and hide the truth as to why. When I started dating him I told myself that I knew I'd need to leave my comfort zone a bit if this was going to work. I've been doing that, sometimes it's scary,but generally it's been going well.

 

All this is surprisingly psyching me out a bit. It's a big step in the relationship and I've questioned whether I'm ready for this step. It would be easier to wait until the summer to take a visit there and spend some time elsewhere in Europe as well (on a bit of a time crunch this trip), but I know he is eager for me to meet his parents. And understandably so. My parents meeting him was hugely helpful in alleviating their anxieties about the mystery man in their only son's life (first time I've ever introduced them to someone I've dated; it'd be the same for him). Probably I'm blowing this whole thing out of proportion. I just needed to vent about it a bit. I could talk to him about it (I feel bad not talking to him about it already), but he's so sweet he'd just tell me to wait until the summer to visit. And I think I need to push the envelope of my comfort zone a bit here as well.

 

Any thoughts? Is this normal? Am I a commitphobe? Is this a red flag?

[olivetree]

Sounds normal and like you should push through your comfort zone.

Avoidance leads to more anxiety.

Go have fun ringing in the new year in Europe - sounds exciting to me.

[Sunlight72]

The problem is in the thinking. Buy the ticket. Go meet some people. If your boyfriend is nice - guess what? His parents & friends over there are nice.

 

I understand your anxiety, and I think you're imagining something to fill in the unknown. You literally could imagine something cheesy & homey instead.

 

Things you could try - video call with him to chat with his parents a bit. Casually.

- once you get an impression of them, picture them laughing with you and sitting around watching the fireplace or something really neutral. Give yourself a neutral to positive scenario to imagine instead of the vague fear fest of the unknown. Keep it super simple. It really is going to just be some people sitting around chit chatting.

- remember - you want to impress them a little bit? They want to impress you a little bit too. You are special to their son, and they want their son to be happy You've already impressed them, as they can tell your boyfriend's life is better since he met you - they just want to share a little of the fun of knowing you too

 

Lastly about the colleagues figuring out who you're seeing - OK. That's about how big a deal it is.

 

You're a little surprised more senior colleagues don't know your status? You're not that pivotal in the world. Neither am I. They all have spouses, kids, parents, HOA's and work to keep them occupied.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[d0nnivain]

You have to talk to your BF. You also have to work out some things. First figure out the sleeping arrangements Same sex or not, I would not be comfortable sharing a bed with my SO in his parent's house. DH & did not sleep in the same bed under our respective parents' roofs until we were married. If you think the gay aspect will be a further issue for his family, talk to him about it in advance. Possibly you two may have to stay in a hotel.

 

Having a place to escape will also be important, hence the hotel might be ideal so you can both get a break for all the family time. At the very least plan to take walks around the neighborhood or go sightseeing alone together while you are there.

 

Even now, 10 years later, I still need to have a rental car when we visit DH's mother. I have to know I can leave when she gets on my nerves.

 

Why does this trip have to force you out more at work? Whether you are going on vacation solo, to see your GF or your BF how on earth does any of that impact your job performance? You are taking time off. Nobody at work needs to know why. If telling them is for your own growth & this trip is just the catalyst, good for you for getting more comfy in your own skin but if you are not ready it's OK to stay silent at work. Maybe go read the story about the retired NFL player who came out recently. Talk about job pressure & stereotypes. If he can do it, so can you.

 

Can you balance the holidays . . Christmas with your parents with one lazy day built in & then you head out to your BF for New Years?

 

Whatever you do, don't keep your anxieties about this bottled up. Talking about them lessens their power. Your BF will get you through this stuff but you have to give him some warning that this stuff is troubling you. Love fixes a lot; let him love & comfort you.