Is he worth it?

[Nyasa]

I have been seeing a guy for 3 months now, as of two weeks ago we became boyfriend/girlfriend. I wasn't sure I was ready seeing that I had just got out of an engagement with someone who I was with for almost five years (on and off) and living with, but I have known the new boyfriend for almost 10 years. We dated in high school and remained friends throughout the last few years, always talking about a future together (we always believed we would be married etc.). He did not approve of my ex-fiancee and did not believe we would be married, but we pretty much lost contact during the months I was engaged. Then the engagement ended and the new boyfriend and I started seeing each other right away, even before my ex-fiancee moved out! I knew it was probably too soon, but even during my engagement I felt that the new boyfriend was the one and I wouldn't ever go through with marriage to the other guy (regardless of these feelings ironically the ex-fiancee was the one who called it off rather painfully). Now in the beginning the new boyfriend was so sweet, romantic, spent lots of time with me, didn't want me to be with anyone else, introduced me to co-workers, family and friends. Now that we are "offical" he barely calls, I see him maybe once a week, he never makes geniune effort to do things with me and while I race to be by his side and do things with him and his family and friends, he makes up lame excuses at the last minute not to come see me and it always has to be when it's something important to me, introduction to co-workers, family and friends. Last weekend I ended up spraining my ankle pretty badly and thinking it was broken I called him to take me to the emergency room. He did not ansewer his phone and of all people who came to my rescue instead, my ex. My ex and I have continually talked (even I must admit still saying I love you and using pet names at moments), but he understood, we both understood we were trying to move on, but it seemed it was too hard to let go completley, we were trying the friend thing and as much as I hated to admit it, I felt more loved, respected and cared for by the ex, then my current man. When I called the next day to let the new guy know what happened, he just brushed it off (and no I did not tell him that the ex came to the rescue, although he does know we talk to each other). I felt well of course he will call to check up on me, but no, I had to finally call him two days later and express that I felt I was not a priority and that he didn't really want to deal with me (their was hesitiation on his part concerning labeling us, but he brought it up regardless, maybe he is regretting it now?). He just started a new job and has been working non stop 6 days a week, but all I am asking for is a phone call and I find it funny that he always has time for his co-workers and friends to party, play golf, etc. But he is too busy to CALL me! He told me he really did care about me and want to be with me, but he is trying to get his career started and he is new to this relationship thing (he never really had another REAL realtionship, just college hook-ups and girlfriends that lasted a month or so b/c surprise they would leave him for someone else b/c I am assuming he doesn't get the being affecinate, romantic or for god's sake just paying attention to a girl!). I can understand that b/c I have known him for years. He has had problems getting close to women his whole life (he says it has something to do with his mothers death when he was 5). I have been the only girl he was ever able to talk to (believe me, it grew weary after calls every month when he was drunk and said he was depressed and wanted to kill himself). I felt that he had overcome this for the most part b/c he seemed happier and more together, but obviously he does not want to get close to me for soem reason, he hated even to be touched and that drives me insane! Anyways after my talk he showed effort once again, but then this weekend I invited him to an important company event, he had golf that day, but said he would bail out early and go with me. I waited all day for his call and when there was an only an hour left to the event, I called him and he was alseep! Said it wasn't worth going now, I asked if he intended to call and he just replied "Well I was sleeping!". I told him fine and got off the phone, then about a half hour later now pissed I called and left a message. I told him that it hurt that he brushed aside things that were important to me and always made a lame excuse, it was embarrasing b/c it apperaed to the people that were important to me and to my own self that he just doesn't care enough. Anyways I told him I was done being hurt and stopmed on by men and it was my own damn fault for letting it happen. I said if he really cared than call me, if not well I can no longer put effort into someone that gives back! I am so confused by his behaviors and I am sick of making excuses for him, he just isn't that concerned about me, although the night before we talked about what kindof house we wanted and pets etc, very nochalantly. i amgetting such mixed signals and he has yet to call me back. So what shoulf I do?

[Tracy21]

If I were you, I would leave him and move on. From what you have written this man does not give a S**!T about you! (excuse my language). He seems like he is a selfish bastard who has not grown up yet. No wonder he can't keep a woman around. YOU need to stop making up excuses for him! If you stay with him you are wasting your time and settling for less. There are plenty of handsome men out there who will show you how a real man treats a real woman. Keep on searching...because you haven't found that real man yet

[Kengne]

Now that we are "offical" he barely calls, I see him maybe once a week, he never makes geniune effort to do things with me and while I race to be by his side and do things with him and his family and friends, he makes up lame excuses at the last minute not to come see me and it always has to be when it's something important to me, introduction to co-workers, family and friends.

 

Last weekend I ended up spraining my ankle pretty badly and thinking it was broken I called him to take me to the emergency room. He did not ansewer his phone and of all people who came to my rescue instead, my ex.

 

When I called the next dau to let the new guy know what happened, he just brushed it off (and no I did not tell him that the ex came to the rescue, although he does know we talk to each other).

 

I felt well of course he will call to check up on me, but no, I had to finally call him two days later and express that I felt I was not a priority and that he didn't really want to deal with me (their was hesitiation on his part concerning labeling us, but he brought it up regardless, maybe he is regretting it now?).

 

He just started a new job and has been working non stop 6 days a week, but all I am asking for is a phone call and I find it funny that he always has time for his co-workers and friends to party, play golf, etc. But he is too busy to CALL me! He told me he really did care about me and want to be with me

 

 

but then this weekend I invited him to an important company event, he had golf that day, but said he would bail out early and go with me. I waited all day for his call and when there was an only an hour left to the event, I called him and he was alseep! Said it wasn't worth going now, I asked if he intended to call and he just replied "Well I was sleeping!".

 

I told him fine and got off the phone, then about a half hour later now pissed I called and left a message. I told him that it hurt that he brushed aside things that were important to me and always made a lame excuse, it was embarrasing b/c it apperaed to the people that were important to me and to my own self that he just doesn't care enough

 

Anyways I told him I was done being hurt and stopmed on by men and it was my own damn fault for letting it happen. I said if he really cared than call me, if not well I can no longer put effort into someone that gives back! I am so confused by his behaviors and I am sick of making excuses for him, he just isn't that concerned about me, although the night before we talked about what kindof house we wanted and pets etc, very nochalantly. i amgetting such mixed signals and he has yet to call me back. So what shoulf I do?

 

I hope you've noticed by now the recurring theme here: YOU calling HIM. YOU inviting HIM places. You are doing waaay too much work girl! Men need to pursue, but how can he pursue you if you are always running him down?

 

Personally... the only thing that really stuck out in my mind was him falling asleep when he was supposed to follow you to the important company event. Not only was it inconsiderate, but YOU had to call HIM to find out he WASN'T coming? WoW. You're good.

 

I think what you need to do now is STOP CALLING HIM!! DON'T LEAVE ANY MORE MESSAGES!! You've already communicated to him what you need from the relationship, and what he needs to do to provide you with that. There's really nothing more you can say without it being overkill and pushing him away even further.. So, get busy with your life, and show him you don't NEED him to call you *even though you WANT him to*. When he sees how busy, nonchalant and carefree you are he will be intrigued and truss me!!! He will most likely come running back with the I Miss You's etc... and by that time, you may no longer even WANT him in your life.

 

One thing tho - be wary of the ex-fiance. Outside parties, esp ex's! always look sooo much more attractive when you're having problems with your current partner. You tend to focus on the good in them, because it's such a relief and change from the bad in your relationship at that time. Don't fall into the trap that the grass is greener on the other side! Bcuz if that was the case - you'd be married to your ex-fiance right now. But you aren't - for a reason. Don't forget that!

 

K.

[Nyasa]

I hate to think he doesn't care and I am the one putting in all the effort, although obviously I realize this or I wouldn't be here. It's a compilcated situation adn I want to give him the benefit of the doubt b/c he has been such a big part of my life for so long. Since he was 14 he told me he was going to marry me, for years now he has been saying all the right things, but when I think about it he has not SHOWN me anything! Yes, it was VERY helpful for Kengne to qoute me and emphasis all the things I was doing! Makes me feel like an idioit, b/c I really believed all the excuses he made for not putting in as much effort, but damn if someone REALLY likes you and wants to make a realtionship work then effort would seem well effortless. I tend to do this in every realtionship, even with my ex-fiancee. He realized that I would go so out of my way to make everything happen and please him that I lost myself. And yes I do realize that when things go bad it's easy to compare them to an ex, i did it with the ex-fiancee by comparing him to the now new boyfriend, grass is always greener. But, luckily I know better than to get involved again with the ex-fiancee, he is forever changing his mind and playing my heart like a ping-pong game and I am done with it, my desire for "friends" is even wanning.I mean how am I ever going to really move on if he is still in my life like he is. I think at this point I am so overwhelmed by men disappointing me, by putting in all the effort. Geez, I know it's partly my fault, but I just thought that a realtionship was about giving to make the other person happy, guess you have to draw the line somewhere.

I REALLY had hope for this new guy just b/c we talked so much about the future for so long and he still tries to tell me how much he cares and wants me as his girl, HOWEVER he did go from REALLY pursuing me, to just not giving ANYTHING! I am confused by that fact, but that is not what matters now. I obvioulsy spoke my mind, I felt I had a right, friend or boyfriend I do not think it's acceptable to behave the way he did concerning the company event, etc. But, I told him how I felt and what I wanted and fairly soon it will be 24 hours since I left the message and if he hasn't called back by now, well then obviously he doesn't give a ****. It hurts b/c we have been so involved in each other's life for so long and now....now he's just going to let it go, not call me back and talk it out....I mean I'm supposed to be his girlfriend, that is so high school. Seems the moment that word "girlfriend" was used, he changed his mind and tried to find a sneaky way out of it, but I gave him a way out like a week ago and he assured me that that's not what he wanted! How do you know someone for ten years, beg to be with them, then have them and just let it all go! Maybe I was a little to much, trying too hard and damn it I want to be the pursued. I will not call him back as much as I want to.

I hope he really does realize how wrong he was and comes back like you said Kengne, b/c there is something great there, BUT maybe it's not the right time, I mean I didn't even give myself space and time to heal over my ex, b/c it's only now that I am feeling the anger, the lonlieness, the betrayel and the overwhelming low self-esteem, maybe that's why I was so all over the new guy, my insecurity and mistrust. Yuck, how could I belittle myself so much, I am just greatful that I stood up for myself on the message and if he doesn't call he doesn't call. I always wanted to know if we could ACTUALLY work and now I know, time to get over the past and move forward.....I just want to belive in romance and happy endings, more importantly a good man that will treat me REALLY well. But damn, I really thought for a long time he was the one, I have had my share of bitch slapping from life lately, guess it's time to wake up!

[Kengne]

I hate to think he doesn't care and I am the one putting in all the effort, although obviously I realize this or I wouldn't be here .... but damn if someone REALLY likes you and wants to make a realtionship work then effort would seem well effortless.

 

Nyasa - people are LAZY. Actually, MEN are lazy, esp when it comes to relationships!!! It doesn't mean that they care any LESS than us women do, but they care DIFFERENTLY. Understand this FACT, know it, and act accordingly. And as you already - relationships are HARD! Even during the good times!

 

I tend to do this in every realtionship, even with my ex-fiancee. He realized that I would go so out of my way to make everything happen and please him that I lost myself.

 

OMG... I read this and it was like deja-vue. HOW MANY WOMEN can relate to this? We engross ourselves so wholely in a relationship that we lose sight of ourselves, our identity and the things (OTHER than the bf) that make us happy! I for one was victim to this with my ex-bf. I gave TOO MUCH. You need to learn give LESS to others, and MORE to yourself.

 

And yes I do realize that when things go bad it's easy to compare them to an ex, i did it with the ex-fiancee by comparing him to the now new boyfriend, grass is always greener.

 

Isn't it always?

 

 

I mean how am I ever going to really move on if he is still in my life like he is. I think at this point I am so overwhelmed by men disappointing me, by putting in all the effort.

 

Well ... that's up to you to keep him in your life. My cheating ex-bf of 4 yrs is still in my life even tho I'm with someone new now. It hasn't been easy, but he's been there from me and I can't just ignore that so I understand it's not easy to let go of a bad thing.

 

Geez, I know it's partly my fault, but I just thought that a realtionship was about giving to make the other person happy, guess you have to draw the line somewhere.

 

A relationship is NOT about one person giving, and giving EXCESSIVELY to make the other person happy. It's about 2 ALREADY HAPPY ppl who care about one another coming together to ADD to each other's lives.

 

I REALLY had hope for this new guy just b/c we talked so much about the future for so long and he still tries to tell me how much he cares and wants me as his girl, HOWEVER he did go from REALLY pursuing me, to just not giving ANYTHING! I am confused by that fact, but that is not what matters now.

 

He stopped PURSUING YOU when you started PURSUING HIM. Why chase the prize when it will run up to you, gift-wrapped and everything? Give him a run for his money!

 

 

I obvioulsy spoke my mind, I felt I had a right, friend or boyfriend I do not think it's acceptable to behave the way he did concerning the company event, etc.

 

NO it is not. And you need to show him - THROUGH ACTIONS, not words - THROUGH YOUR SILENCE - that HIS actions are 100% UNACCEPTABLE. Nyasa, he is clearly taking you for granted but what's worse is you have enabled him by being the pursuer. Terrible!

 

 

But, I told him how I felt and what I wanted and fairly soon it will be 24 hours since I left the message and if he hasn't called back by now, well then obviously he doesn't give a ****.

 

Don't assume if he doesn't call back he doesn't care! Remember, he's been condition by now to YOU pursuing and running to HIM... so of course he's gonna sit and wait it out for you to call and say "Why haven't you called?" He's not going to be expecting silence from you, so don't be shocked if he doesn't call back right away! 24 hrs is nothing.

 

Instead... imagine how surprised he'll feel when 1 day goes by, and he doesn't hear from you. And then another. And then another!! Nyasa -- he will start to lose his damn mind! I KNOW - because I went thru the same fear *what if he doesn't call back?* with my cheating ex bf.

 

Yes - can you believe that? After HE cheated... and HE got some next chick PREGNANT - > I was worried, and feeling insecure that HE would not call ME back after we'd argued about the cheating incidences on several occasions! I had this overwhelming fear that I would not be the same without him in my life... and I wanted to make things right, by always calling and testing him to see if he cared... I can say this now because hindsight is 20/20.. and because he had brought my self-esteem to such low a level that I truly didn't believe I deserved better.

 

But once I realized he was taking me for granted.. and I was doing all the work HE should've been doing for *remember, HE CHEATED*! - I pulled back, COLD TURKEY. I stopped giving, giving, giving. I stopped calling, calling, calling. And without fail... like clockwork, he came RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNING BACK. But the difference was it was on MY terms. On MY time.

 

And sadly.. FOR HIM that is! ... by that time I had already moved on.

 

And I believe that if you follow my advice.. you probably will too!!

 

Maybe I was a little to much, trying too hard and damn it I want to be the pursued. I will not call him back as much as I want to.

 

Then LET him pursue you. Don't call him - let him call you! Yes, even if days go by - don't call bcuz eventually, HE WILL CALL YOU!

 

Do you understand Nyasa?

HE WILL CALL YOU BACK!Don't worry!! Be patient.

 

And when he DOES call - be light, breezy and carefree! DO NOT let on that you have been waiting anxiously for his phone call. Be so busy and carefree he will wonder what has happened to you? What has changed? It will drive him nuts!!!

 

When I pulled back from my ex-bf, he immediately noticed the change. People will only do what you let them get away with. For ex, for yrs I complained abt my ex-bf hanging up the phone during arguments. And for yrs he kept on doing it and for yrs I kept calling back, only for him to hang up on me again.

 

WHEN I STOPPED CALLING BACK - HE STOPPED HANGING UP THE PHONE, because he was no longer reinforced by me calling him back.

 

This is what you have to do with your guy. You have to break him out of the vicious cycle he's learnt... and THEN and only THEN can you really make the decision of whether or not you even want to be with him!!

 

I hope he really does realize how wrong he was and comes back like you said Kengne, b/c there is something great there, BUT maybe it's not the right time, I mean I didn't even give myself space and time to heal over my ex, b/c it's only now that I am feeling the anger, the lonlieness, the betrayel and the overwhelming low self-esteem, maybe that's why I was so all over the new guy, my insecurity and mistrust.

 

DING DING DING!! This is the smartest thing you've said. It's amazing how much us women will put up with b.s. We run from one b.s. to the next, because it isn't as bad as the previous b.s. But that doesn't make it great - it's still b.s.! And i think time away from your new guy will let the smoke from around your eyes clear, and the grass you're standing on may not be quite as green as you tht. But again - that's up to YOU to decide and only time and space will tell!

 

...I just want to belive in romance and happy endings, more importantly a good man that will treat me REALLY well. But damn, I really thought for a long time he was the one, I have had my share of bitch slapping from life lately, guess it's time to wake up!

 

LoL. Don't we all want the happy ending? I know I do. Esp being that I'm such a romantic at heart, and very sensitive. But I see now that my ex-bf mistook my softness for weakness, and took me for granted - and thus I refuse to be sucker for love ever again! That doesn't mean I don't believe in love. But not to the point where it's all encompassing you, and your happiness is dependent on somebody else! *shiver*.

 

Good luck! let us know what happens.

K.

[Nyasa]

You ROCK Kengne! Thanks for your awesome advice, I'm just sorry you had to learn it from an obviously frustrating and painful realtionship! But, you sound so confident and strong now and that is so reassuring for me.

I really, truly am just trying to pick up the pieces now and some days I am in awe of how very low on myself I have become, I convince myself that I deserve it and worst of all I forget how to be me! I have been trying really hard to be positive and move on, but when things like this happen with the new guy, it's hard to have hope! Thanks for the hope!

I am really sort of in disbelief that he has yet to call, but I see what you mean when you say that he is conditioned to think I will just keep calling him and I believe you are very right in thinking that if I do leave him be and just go on with life, that he it will drive him crazy and he will call me. I especially think his friends will hit him over the head about it and he will call to apologize, let's hope he still has a heart. I mean damn all I ever hear is how much he has cared for me all these years, his friends and family constantly reassure me that he cares and to bear with his "issues". They always tell me I'm wife material and they adore me! BUT, I want to hear it from HIM and I want him to SHOW me that's how he feels. I know his family and friends mean well, b/c they know how difficult and "emotionally immature and unavailable" he can be, but I can only deal with so much! I can only hope that he realizes that HE is in the wrong to a great extent and I hope that he protrays that accurtly to his friends and family, well I guess that's not relevant, but it would help him realize his ignorance if he was truthful with them and they knocked sense back into him. But, I have to really think do I want to date a "science project" so to speak, I mean that's like raising a child, shouldn't he just know this stuff by now!!! He is only 23 and not very experienced with realtionships, but hello COMMON SENSE! It's hard for me going on 26 and having been in serious realtionships, I want to be patient and understanding BUT I am sick of feeling neglected and unimportant and at this point I can not bear anymore heartbreak. I wonder how in the world women allow themselves to be trampled on and like you said we immurse oursleves in the realtionship, we give so much and lose so much! I am trying really hard to reverse that way of thinking, but I am such a giving person by nature. I like giving him little text messages and cards and the new guy seemed to like it too, he just doesn't like doing it back! Am I being unrealistic when I say I want the guy at the door with flowers and who takes me to dinner and dancing, ok I know that's like a Meg Ryan movie or something, but damn what happened to chivarly! Something I never thought I'd want, but you know what, damn the game has become such a cut throat situation adn I feel it has all made us so mistrusting and insecure! I just want to say how I feel, they say what they want and if we agree great, stick to it damn it and if not go on our ways no hard feelings, if only it was that simple. If only it didn't have to be about pursuing and games, but boys will be boys!

 

I can also totally sympathize with you on the ex thing. My ex-fiancee was not a nice boy, everything from porn addiction (but would not have sex with me!), to lies, to borrowing money from MY realitives and not paying them back etc., but somehow I convinced myself it was all my fault and I deserved it, worst I tried to lead everyone to belive he was FABOO, even when people argued about it. And even though in my heart of hearts I knew he wasn't a good guy and the one, I still clung on b/c I was afraid of being alone, I was afraid he would be the only one that EVER loved me! Sad, so sad, considering I used to be such a wild child, a happy, free spirit who didn't take **** from no one, funny how a man can make you change. One day he up and told me he wasn't in love with me and didn't want to marry me, this after he pressured me to buy a dress and pick a date! I was sooooo hurt, b/c he blamed it all on me and said that he was not in love with me pretty much as soon as he proposed!!! So for six months we lived together, me trying hard to be PERFECT for him and he left me, now he changes his mind every five minutes. I was surprised I actually kicked him out! He begged to stay and work it out and I just couldn't bear it anymore, it wasn't the first time he pulled something like that. Now he calls me with his sweet words and the moment I call and reciprocate in anyway he tells me to get over him, that he isn't in love with me anymore. I find myself weeping and feeling heartbroken all over again, begging for another chance, he says hurtful things to drive me away and then when I won't call him or he hears about the other guy he starts calling again with I love you's! Yesterday I said "we can be friends, someday, but right now i need space, please don't call and please understand i may not call for a LONG time." this was after all my hysterics with the new guy, i am ready to be strong and self-assured again! I want to be alone and learn to love me and follow your lovely advice somehow! i want to be happy on my own and find that lovely man that will appreciate that and gosh darn it be a gentleman.

I was totally falling for the new guy, have been for years and this was our chance and as much as I am disappointed, I realize how much more disappointed I would be with someone who used me, neglected me and didn't give me the things i desire. Hum, you never know maybe my strength and not taking his **** is just the thing he needs to GROW UP!

Thanks again for the advice, good luck to you.