TheBlingRing14 Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 The guy I have been seeing for a while and I have a date coming up this weekend that has been in the works for a while now. We spoke briefly Sunday, ironed out some of the date details, bid each other good night, as normal. Anyway, I haven't heard from him since, which isn't quite normal. We talk almost every day, with maybe the odd day here and there we skip. But, to not hear from him 2 days in a row has me a little concerned. Yes, I could message him, but now it almost feels like maybe I shouldn't. I am tempted to cancel our plans and reservations if I don't hear from him soon. Am I being rash?
carhill Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 How long dating and is sex involved? The constant contact thing is a pretty recent phenomena IME. Has he ever flaked on a date?
MidwestUSA Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 You spoke on Sunday, it's now Tuesday (late, yes, and maybe not where you are). That's barely two days. He's probably thinking that since you've ironed out details for something that's still five days away, he's okay with a break from texting for a bit. Don't overreact and ruin a potentially good thing. Text him a hello as usual (I'm assuming you initiate texting sometimes), but don't mention anything about him not making contact. He's worked on details for something that's 'been in the works for a while'; maybe he expects some gratitude in the form of a 'good morning' or 'how are you?'. You DO intitate some of your conversations, I hope? 4
basil67 Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 He could be wondering why you haven't messaged him in two days. 4
I'veseenbetterlol Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 I understand your worries. In my personal experience if a guy didn't text me for a day or more, that pretty much meant he had no interest. Don't jump to conclusions though and text him a day before the date. If you don't hear back and he doesn't show up, you will have your answer.
Highndry Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 Why would you cancel after not hearing from him for only 2 days? 3
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted November 14, 2018 Author Posted November 14, 2018 How long dating and is sex involved? The constant contact thing is a pretty recent phenomena IME. Has he ever flaked on a date? A few months and yes. Yes and no. He did break a date we had been planning, but it was for a legit reason, as there was something that came up that he couldn't really help. I was there for the phone conversation in which it was discussed, too, so I know it was legit. Or maybe he just misplaced his phone. Perhaps. I suppose anything's possible. You spoke on Sunday, it's now Tuesday (late, yes, and maybe not where you are). That's barely two days. He's probably thinking that since you've ironed out details for something that's still five days away, he's okay with a break from texting for a bit. Don't overreact and ruin a potentially good thing. Text him a hello as usual (I'm assuming you initiate texting sometimes), but don't mention anything about him not making contact. He's worked on details for something that's 'been in the works for a while'; maybe he expects some gratitude in the form of a 'good morning' or 'how are you?'. You DO intitate some of your conversations, I hope? Yes, a break since we are getting together soon is entirely possible. And that's what I'm hoping it is. Best case scenario, I suppose. It's actually 3 days away...well almost 2 now. But still. I guess since it is something that doesn't happen all that often, it feels off. Yes, I do initiate some of our conversations, but the ratio is maybe 2:1 or 3:1. I last initiated on Saturday, so it's not like it's been a while or anything. One thing I don't want to happen, and never wanted to happen, was for it to be a "your turn" "my turn" situation, if that makes sense. He could be wondering why you haven't messaged him in two days. Maybe, but historically, he would reach out. I understand your worries. In my personal experience if a guy didn't text me for a day or more' date=' that pretty much meant he had no interest. Don't jump to conclusions though and text him a day before the date. If you don't hear back and he doesn't show up, you will have your answer.[/quote'] I will text him before the date for sure. If nothing else, to make sure we are still on. But, if I don't hear from him before that point, it is a little unnerving.
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 Yes, I could message him, but now it almost feels like maybe I shouldn't. I am tempted to cancel our plans and reservations if I don't hear from him soon. Am I being rash? Today is Wednesday. Do nothing. Tomorrow, Thursday, reach out & confirm the weekend plans. Don't go on & on about why hasn't he called you blah, blah, blah. Just say Can you please confirm that we are still on for {date} {details}? If you don't hear from him by Friday then you can cancel.
kendahke Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 (edited) Why would you cancel after not hearing from him for only 2 days? because she thinks he's playing her for a fool. Maybe, but historically, he would reach out. and historically, you just sit and wait for him to text first? That's game playing and it doesn't belong in relationships. There is nothing wrong with you picking up the phone and calling or texting "hi"---you doubling down on the "historical" stuff looks a lot like disinterest and probably feels like disinterest. It wouldn't hurt you to get a bit more modern in your approach. Edited November 14, 2018 by kendahke 1
Versacehottie Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 I don't know i think it's a little quick to jump to that conclusion and want to cancel. Even if you are correct in judging that the vibe is slightly different, i think the thing to do is roll with it. I think very definitely he thinks, we have plans in place, therefore gotta focus on work at the beginning of the week before our planned activity. Lots of guys compartmentalize like this. Additionally lots of guys fly a lot more by the seat of their pants and are a bit last minute about stuff--like if your activity is relatively normal (like a nice dinner or a party) you might hear from him on friday or even saturday am! If it's a weekend trip, maybe on thursday. This is just how some guys are. Also if you have been dating a few months, he may be settling into more of his normal dating behavior with dating--not his BEST, pursuing behavior. Especially if whatever you are doing gives him more assurances that you are a couple. You could definitely talk to him about communication expectations at some point or in relation to this occurrence. Though on one hand I think you need to pick your battles so that things don't fall on deaf ears (in the future) and you can get a handle on who this guy really is (what his normal rhythms are), like what does he offer up willingly and without prodding. I am always a fan of saying something in a lighthearted way that shows that you noticed and aren't exactly thrilled but gives him a chance to do better. Granted, subtlety isn't always a guys strong suit (and it might not be your style). Though it sounds like you don't want to say something or reach out and would feel more comfortable calling off the date rather than deal with it. Idk, stuff like this usually spirals downward IMO (though i completely support calling it off if you haven't heard from him in a reasonable timeframe, which, to me, isn't tuesday or wednesday or maybe even thursday). I think couples that i watch that have good (and healthy) relationships this is one area where effectively stonewalling the other person or shutting them out rather than voicing what you really think is not something they do. They work through things--it can bring you much closer if you handle it right (even having a disagreement). Good luck
PRW Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 The guy I have been seeing for a while and I have a date coming up this weekend that has been in the works for a while now. We spoke briefly Sunday, ironed out some of the date details, bid each other good night, as normal. Anyway, I haven't heard from him since, which isn't quite normal. We talk almost every day, with maybe the odd day here and there we skip. But, to not hear from him 2 days in a row has me a little concerned. Yes, I could message him, but now it almost feels like maybe I shouldn't. I am tempted to cancel our plans and reservations if I don't hear from him soon. Am I being rash? This is the perfect case example of why I tell people to don't do a bunch of chit-chat on the phone between dates. Once someone sets a bad pattern that is not maintainable the other person freaks out as soon as the pattern is broken. I've went for two weeks without contact for a date set two weeks out and you are worried over two days. You have the date plans, reservations have been made,...show up!! 2
Grey40 Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 Hard to tell, Definitley odd to go from texting every single day to not at all, but I wouldn’t read too much into it yet. If he cancels the date or comes up with an excuse etc, then you have your answer. Usually the gut is pretty correct in my experience, so while you might be worrying over nothing, it’s quite possible you came here and wrote this thread because your gut feels it. 2
Fairyface55 Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 I have just started dating and have found it stressful. Please read my previous posts! I downloaded ‘he is just not that into you’ - after seeing many people using this phrase on this forum. As a single woman in her 30s it is probably the best thing I have done to take my power back in situations like this. It has also allowed me to realise to stop taking dating personally. I would say text him to see if its still on but be on your guard regarding him pulling back. Good luck 2
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted November 14, 2018 Author Posted November 14, 2018 Why would you cancel after not hearing from him for only 2 days? Well...because I'd prefer not to show up somewhere and be stood up if it looks like that's what's going to happen. Today is Wednesday. Do nothing. Tomorrow, Thursday, reach out & confirm the weekend plans. Don't go on & on about why hasn't he called you blah, blah, blah. Just say Can you please confirm that we are still on for {date} {details}? If you don't hear from him by Friday then you can cancel. Friday is the day, so....yeah. If I don't hear from him by tomorrow, not only would I be stunned, but it would probably be a bad sign. I definitely wouldn't freak out about why I haven't heard from him. That's not my style. I might be thinking it, but I wouldn't freak out. and historically, you just sit and wait for him to text first? That's game playing and it doesn't belong in relationships. There is nothing wrong with you picking up the phone and calling or texting "hi"---you doubling down on the "historical" stuff looks a lot like disinterest and probably feels like disinterest. It wouldn't hurt you to get a bit more modern in your approach. Well, yes, to your first question. It's kind of a double edged sword isn't it? If you fall into a "your turn, my turn" kind of dynamic, that feels a bit like playing games, just as much as waiting to be contacted does. Also, like I said...it isn't that I never initiate. I do. I'm just used to him doing it a little bit more often. I don't know i think it's a little quick to jump to that conclusion and want to cancel. Even if you are correct in judging that the vibe is slightly different, i think the thing to do is roll with it. I think very definitely he thinks, we have plans in place, therefore gotta focus on work at the beginning of the week before our planned activity. Lots of guys compartmentalize like this. Additionally lots of guys fly a lot more by the seat of their pants and are a bit last minute about stuff--like if your activity is relatively normal (like a nice dinner or a party) you might hear from him on friday or even saturday am! If it's a weekend trip, maybe on thursday. This is just how some guys are. Also if you have been dating a few months, he may be settling into more of his normal dating behavior with dating--not his BEST, pursuing behavior. Especially if whatever you are doing gives him more assurances that you are a couple. Yeah, we have definitely done some settling in our communication over the last few months, so I know that things can change. And, that change is normal. But, it's so hard to know when communication changes are normal relationship changes and what are things to be worried about. And yes, while I know that some guys are like that....where you may not hear from them till last minute...that's just never been the case with us, so even though I am sure for many guys, it would be perfectly routine to not hear till the day before...for us, it's off. This is the perfect case example of why I tell people to don't do a bunch of chit-chat on the phone between dates. Once someone sets a bad pattern that is not maintainable the other person freaks out as soon as the pattern is broken. I've went for two weeks without contact for a date set two weeks out and you are worried over two days. You have the date plans, reservations have been made,...show up!! Yes, your advice on chit-chat makes a lot of sense. I will say, we are long distance-ish. I don't consider us a LDR, because it's not like we are a super huge distance from each other, but we are far enough away from each other that we cannot see each other multiple times a week. So, frequent contact became the standard for us. Yes, show up. That's what I hope to do. But...I don't want to get stood up either. Hard to tell, Definitley odd to go from texting every single day to not at all, but I wouldn’t read too much into it yet. If he cancels the date or comes up with an excuse etc, then you have your answer. Usually the gut is pretty correct in my experience, so while you might be worrying over nothing, it’s quite possible you came here and wrote this thread because your gut feels it. Yeah...the bad thing is....I have a very paranoid gut. So, I am always expecting the worst. I am always expecting the worst case scenario to happen. That's not to say my gut is always wrong, because sometimes my anxious nature sometimes turns out to be right. But, "trust your instincts" is kind of hard for me, bc my instincts always skew negative/worried. Always. I have just started dating and have found it stressful. Please read my previous posts! I downloaded ‘he is just not that into you’ - after seeing many people using this phrase on this forum. As a single woman in her 30s it is probably the best thing I have done to take my power back in situations like this. It has also allowed me to realise to stop taking dating personally. I would say text him to see if its still on but be on your guard regarding him pulling back. Good luck Thanks. I think I will, but...yeah. It can be stressful for sure.
d0nnivain Posted November 15, 2018 Posted November 15, 2018 Treat like any other meeting. Confirm. Don't go crazy. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted November 15, 2018 Author Posted November 15, 2018 Update: he did reach out last night, and we did talk quite a bit, so...feeling much better about the weekend at least.
salparadise Posted November 16, 2018 Posted November 16, 2018 Yeah...the bad thing is....I have a very paranoid gut. So, I am always expecting the worst. I am always expecting the worst case scenario to happen. That's not to say my gut is always wrong, because sometimes my anxious nature sometimes turns out to be right. But, "trust your instincts" is kind of hard for me, bc my instincts always skew negative/worried. Always. This is something you should change... or at least work on. It will help you to be a happier, more relaxed, and confident person. Conjuring up worst-case scenarios in the absence of any real indications is just a bad habit. Think about the entire range of possibilities and assume positive outcomes. Sure, there may be a negative outcome from time to time, but there's usually a tip off when that' about to happen. Recommended reading- Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth. As for contact when dating... don't keep score. Consider the two of you to be exactly equal in terms of all of that stuff. Hold up your end. Relax. I always end up dating the women who are willing to initiate. When someone never does I take it as a sign of no interest and contact quickly goes to zero. I know some expect a guy to pursue against resistance, but that's so 19th century.
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