rcrljmg07 Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 Girlfriend of a year, well it first all started when I asked her if she could check out an apartment for me, she’s way closer to it she said sure and never did, she is new to driving, so I excused it, not happily I did mention it and she explained why. This happened over text by the way So weeks later, yesterday to be exact. We were talking about apartments and I made a joke she was like I’ve been looking up apartments online and I was like oh I tried to have you See one for me but that never happened. She got a little mad and said don’t say ****ty things, I was like babe it’s a joke, then she said I can’t tell sarcasm over text I said I’m only half kidding, then she made like a frown face and I said every joke has a little truth. Then she said truth? Then she said cool story bro. I thought that was really rude and I said way to talk to your boyfriend, cool story to you too. I guess the hold thing started because I was a little pissed that she never kept her word, but I was joking with her, she got pretty rude, I haven’t talked to her since. I want her to know you don’t promise things and not do them and a comment like that made me feel like it wasn’t important. Maybe I’m over analyzing, some input would help.
carhill Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 Do you want to be right or be in a relationship? Pertinent question our MC asked at some point. Suggestion: Deal with this stuff in person or over the phone. Leave the text stuff for basics. A lot gets lost in texting and, trust me, women remember *everything* even if reality for them differs from that for you. Doesn't matter. Well, it can if you don't mind being alone. I gave up on that rat race after my divorce. Far more peaceful now. 1
Garcon1986 Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 Part of being in relationships is being able to excuse your partner when she's done something wrong. Of course in totally egregious things you are right to express your disappointment (like forgetting to pick up the kids from the football match). Many other things are gray zone. Women do indeed remember every little thing and have some expectation that you do the same. They interpret "remembering the little things" as showing you care about her. In the end every relationship has conflicts like these, and its of crucial importance to check your ego at the door. If this is a consistent trend you are right to worry. But here and there, you've got to take the Bob Marley approach, don't worry, be happy. You'll have to be able to forgive each other, because carelessness will eventually happen sooner or later because we are all human. I would take a bit of time on the side, confirming both of your love languages and making sure you know how the other person likes to feel validated. Nows a good time to do it since you aren't too mad at each other. And, also, be sure you know your partner's communication style and she knows yours.
ChatroomHero Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 You were picking a bit of a fight under the guise of a sarcastic joke. That is a bit childish and will always end in a fight. That was kind of crappy. Her response was not much better, it was discounting your anger as a non-important thing to her. That said, if you pick a fight don't be surprised when you get one. I have low tolerance for SO's that don't come through on things and have found we don't last long when I come through every time and I come to expect I can't count on them. It's like I am not a priority and instead of making my life easier, it makes it harder. So if you think she has a problem delivering on things she says she will do, it's pointless to pick a fight about it because she does not see you as a priority and will not see an issue. It's also never a good tactic to slip in a complaint in an otherwise simple conversation or text convo. 3
Gaeta Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 First your comment was not a joke and she knew it, if you want to let her know you are disappointed at something do not use that passive-aggressive path. As you see it never benefits the conversation. You were passive-aggressive and she replied on the defensive....and that went nowhere with both of you ending up offended. Second, don't sweat the small stuff. If my BF got pissy at me each time I forgot to do something he asked we would be in bad shape. I am busy during the day and I don't always remember I was suppose to call some place for him. If it's something important I am suppose to do then he'll call and remind me to not forget. Also, if you know she is new to driving and it's a big deal for her to rush in traffic why ask that type of favor. 4
HumanMachine Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 Your fault op. Should’ve dropped it. 1
carhill Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 OP, try to remember to think it less and feel it more, but not in an overtly emotional way. Be a rock. Bullets hit you and fall to the ground. Your girlfriend or wife will shoot a lot of emotional bullets at you in life. Being sensitive to them is a sure-fire road to solitude. You or I may not think that is fair but, newsflash, relationships aren't always fair. Hence the question by our MC. Do you want to be right? 1
nodramallama Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 OP, your response was totally passive aggressive disguised as being sarcastic. If you were pissed that she didn't view the apt. for you, the time to talk to her about it is immediately after it happens, or didn't happen in your case. NOT a week later! Geez!!! If the issue had already been discussed, which it sounds like it did because you said the reason was that she was a new driver, then it's over with and done! You don't have the right to bring it up again. If you really want to view an apt., do it yourself. 1
smackie9 Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 Poor communication. When you found out she didn't go, you should have picked up the phone and calmly ask why she should couldn't view the apartment...then proceed to tell her if she couldn't do it, she could have given you the courtesy to just let you know and you would have made other arrangements. Tell her you were a little disappointed she stood you up without giving you the heads up.....don't be a jacka$$ about it and slip in sly comments...you are not 12 years old, you are an adult. These things will happen and you need to address them in a mature way. When you do, she will be the one having to take accountability for her actions. And I agree you should have talked to her about it immediately. It could have turned out much differently. So the moral of the story is..if you are rude, she's going to be rude back. Lets work on better communication. 2
kendahke Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 I guess the hold thing started because I was a little pissed that she never kept her word, The whole thing started by you being passive aggressive in how you expressed your disappointment. No, it wasn't sarcasm by any stretch of the imagination. You keep masking what you said by saying "it was a joke", but it wasn't--because you were making direct dig about her not stopping what she was doing that day to go do something that you should have taken care of. And you kept making your digs by dismissing them as jokes--until she said said "basta". Now you want to be mad. Try not playing passive-aggressive games. 2
lurker74 Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 You could try passing her a note with selections that say, [] Check here if you are mad [] Check here if you are not mad [] Check here if you still like me and want to go to the dance In other words, as others have said, recognize when you are upset and be OK with just expressing your concerns verbally.
guest569 Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 What a grudge. Did you go to look at the place and she didn't show up? Or were you asking her to make her own arrangement and go and look on your behalf? Either way, saying nothing for weeks and stewing is a strange choice. I don't think her comment is rude. You were "joking" so why would she take it seriously?
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 Your comment wasn't "a joke"; it was a passive aggressive dig. If you were still holding a grudge about the apartment, you should have talked to her in person about your feelings over the broken promise. She defended herself here when you attacked her. You two both need to learn to be more gentle with each other. 2
Million.to.1 Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 I agree with other posters that your comment was not "a joke". A joke, by definition has a punch line. It is a play on words, a pun, hyperbole, etc. You need to think about who your audience is and if a joke will land well with that audience. She was your only audience on this occasion, and was also subject of said "joke"'..... which honestly wasn't funny or clever and was really just a passive aggressive dig at her for not doing something she said she would. When she got defensive about it, you then made it her fault again for not taking "the joke". Humor is great when used well in conflict situations to lighten the mood or turn things around, but it is also subjective, so timing and intent is super important when using it this way, especially over txt where body language and tone aren't present to help convey that intent. You can sort this out by just owning that your joke was passive aggressive and you are sorry for saying it. Then explain that you were disappointed she didn't follow through on her favour to you.. but you should have talked about it at the time and not bought it up the way you did after the fact. Validating that you understand why she didn't take your "joke" well and owning it wasn't really a joke will go a long way in sorting this misunderstanding out and preventing more in the future. 2
basil67 Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 Your comment wasn't a joke and she knew it. If you had issues about her not looking at the apartment, you should have addressed it at the time and in a respectful manner. Why is it her responsibility to look at apartments for you? This issue was totally on you. 1
Author rcrljmg07 Posted November 13, 2018 Author Posted November 13, 2018 It wasn’t her responsibility but she is way closer, we are not that close together, and she offered, that’s the only reason and then said I’ll do it this day and never mentioned it again. I realize I could be more direct about it and I guess it wasn’t a joke, but a dig.
guest569 Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 It wasn’t her responsibility but she is way closer... Thought so. I mean.. Shouldn't you go and look at the place as well? How far is it from you? Hours? You asked her a favour and she backed out. Oh well. 1
hippychick3 Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 You were very much in the wrong, OP. I couldn’t handle being with someone so passive-aggressive, demanding, and complicated. Sorry to say...you honestly sound like a whiny baby. 1
Logo Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 Passive-aggressive communication will only chip away at the relationship. It’s counterproductive and fosters resentment. Be direct, polite, calm and assertive. 1
kendahke Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 It wasn’t her responsibility but But nothing. It wasn't her responsibility. she is way closer, we are not that close together, and she offered, that’s the only reason and then said I’ll do it this day and never mentioned it again. The same reason why you're too busy to go do this for yourself is the same reason why she couldn't get around to it: Life got real busy and time got away. That happens in adulthood--and you don't engage in passive aggressive tactics over it. You self soothe and get about the business at hand.
ChatroomHero Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 But nothing. It wasn't her responsibility. To be fair, when a SO agrees to do something basic consideration is to follow through or let the other know you are going to bail. If I tell my gf I will do, "A,B and C", I do have a responsibility to her to do A, B and C, so yeah, it was her responsibility at that point. The other part is we don't know how important it was, for all we know OP has a looming move and timing in finding a new place is crucial. If OP's gf was tied up at work and called to let him know she couldn't see it or apologized that she forgot and felt bad, it's one thing, but this sounds like she just skipped it or didn't care enough to do it. Frankly when you are in a relationship, it's not like asking a random favor from a stranger. You should be able to expect your SO to do what they say they are going to do to help you out and not just do things that fall under their "responsibility". I don't thing he is wrong to be a little mad, but he handled it poorly. 1
kendahke Posted November 14, 2018 Posted November 14, 2018 The other part is we don't know how important it was, From OP's first post: when I asked her if she could check out an apartment for me, That doesn't sound like "I'm about to be evicted at the end of the week". It sounds more like "it's in the not too distant future, but it's also not at the end of the month" and if he wasn't pressed enough to handle it himself, it's not urgent. Frankly when you are in a relationship, it's not like asking a random favor from a stranger. You should be able to expect your SO to do what they say they are going to do to help you out and not just do things that fall under their "responsibility". Except he said in that very same sentence of his very first post: she is new to driving This isn't something I'd trust to someone still trying to figure out how the turn signals work. 1
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