How to assert myself without being mean

[Quokka]

Alright, so, went out to eat with a buddy and met this girl. She was our waitress. Chatted her up a bit, small talk, causual, little flirting, didn’t get the number, due to my own shyness, so I decided to message her on Facebook

 

Flirted with her, talked to her about her life, her kids, her ex husband, and a lot of the problems she’s facing. But also good things going for her. Ended up getting her number.

Tried getting her to hangout for like the first week and she kept turning me down, so finally I’m just like **** it and disappear for 2 weeks. Then she messages me out of the blue asking me what’s up, we talk for a little bit, agree to hangout the coming up weekend and we did.

 

Last Saturday night, my buddies birthday, we were all out drinking at the bar told her to come out and have a drink if she wanted to. She did with a friend. Immediate connection between the two of us, laughing, smiling, flirting, just a good time. My buddy who was my DD was ready to leave and she told him, to leave without me that she’s going to take me home. I already knew what that meant.

 

As the night progressed, her friends kept telling me how much she really liked me and that I should go home with her and see where it goes etc.

 

Then my homeboy asks her how are you and so and so? And I look at her and I’m like what’s he talking about and she knows she got caught lol. I don’t give her too much grief because it’s the first time hanging out and we aren’t dating. But, after that she gave me a talk about how she’s been seeing this other guy but he’s an ******* and treats her badly and nails on plans etc etc so she wanted to see what I was all about and she’s glad she did and we end up going back to her place and hooking up.

 

Next day, it’s kinda quiet, we’re hungover, we’re both kinda wondering how the hell did all of this happen so quickly type thing but we make conversation. We go pick up her son and then I ask her to drop me home and she does.

 

She texts me 3 hours later just starting conversation.

I keep it casual but I actually like this girl, it was such a strange feeling when we met up, no awkwardness, kinda like I always knew her?

 

So anyway I end up spilling and saying hey I don’t really like the fact you’re pursuing this other guy, and she confirmed it, was straight honest about it, tells me she likes me, and I tell her I like her, I think she’s cool, and I don’t want to be a side dude, or second.

She just like brushes it off and said she’d reply later cause she’s driving and never does. So In my head I’m like **** it.

 

Well she texts me this morning, “I need coffee” I reply couple hours later, “are you doing alright today” she says “yes mostly what about you?” I haven’t responded all day and she sent another text just now “what’s up?”

 

So like basically, this was a lot longer than I intended but essentially what I’m trying to get done here, is make sure she knows that it’s not okay for her to be pursuing this guy and keeping me on a string in case it doesn’t work out for them, which I feel like that’s exactly what she’s doing.

 

Because well, I like her and I didn’t even intend to. It just kinda happened. So yeah how do I make myself clear when she just brushed off my first message and continues to text me like normal? I have yet to respond because I don’t like feeling like I have only half of her attention

Edited November 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Garcon1986]

Hey I just wanted to know that I really like you a lot, but what's preventing me from making this long term is that you are still seeing this other guy. I know that we like each other a lot, but this still bothers me. If we are going to keep this up, I would prefer if we made this an exclusive relationship. Otherwise, I see us as just friends. Let me know your thoughts.

 

 

One way to do it.

[Lotsgoingon]

Well ... frankly, I don't think you're in position to ask her to be exclusive. If you wanted her to be exclusive, you could have held off on hooking up and waited until you knew she was free and clear from anyone else ...

 

But you didn't. You rushed into hooking up with her, and now you're worried that she's not exclusively committed to you. Sorry, dude, your timeline is way off.

 

At this stage, you don't necessarily want someone to be exclusive. You are in fact-finding, info-gathering, is-she-trustworthy, is-she-right-for-me mode. You don't even know her.

 

I don't mean to be negative, but dude, you want to make sure this woman is worth getting into an exclusive relationship with--after all, going exclusive limits your options as well.

[d0nnivain]

Why does this even have to be a thing? You know she is chasing the other guy so let her chase & you go off & live your life. You has a ONS with this chick. That is not a lifetime commitment.

 

If she pops back up sometime later AND you're free AND you still like her, fine, ask her if he's gone. If yes, go on a date. If no, walk away.

 

To have some kind of discussion demanding she chose is not your place right now. Vote for yourself & walk away.

[guest569]

You hung out with her, once, with a group of friends, had sex with her. Now you demand that she be exclusive with you? Yikes. I don't think it's happening.

[basil67]

Sorry Quokka, you don't even have half her attention. You were a one night stand who it would seem has now been put in the friendzone.

 

Simply tell her: "I really like you, but I don't want to be on the sidelines while this other guy is around. If you find yourself single, please give me a call"

[smackie9]

You were willing to sleep with her while she was chasing another guy, but you can't be bothered to text her. Being passive aggressive is an immature way to communicate...it just proves you are being butt hurt/temper tantrum/punishing her because you are not getting your way. Be a grownup and kindly decline seeing her, and let her know to call you when she has decided to stop seeing the guy. Pretty simple.

 

 

 

BTW she isn't a bad person, and she didn't wrong you. She isn't committed to anyone, so she can date/ screw anyone she wants. If you don't like how she rolls, tell her good-bye.

[kendahke]

Nothing but unforced errors on your part here.

[lurker74]

I don't particularly disagree with what everyone has said, BUT if you want to assert yourself, here's how:

 

1) Don't do it on text. I get it. You're shy. But if you want to make an impression, you do it face to face.

 

2) You have to be OK with her choosing otherwise. Many women will; some women won't.

 

3) And for Pete's Sake, if you're going to ask her to do this, make sure you want it. I'd personally wait to test compatibility but it's your life.

 

4) So, if after all that you still want to, you meet her, have a decent time, and then say, "Listen, everyone says they don't want to play games, but I'm serious when I say it. If you want to see where we go, great, but it's going to be me and you, so you'll have to ditch any other guys. It's fine if you don't want to do that...not everyone operates like me. But that's me and I'm not going to wait around for you to decide. So let me know if you want to keep doing this and if not, no worries and good luck."

 

Again, maybe you don't do that. After all, you slept with a waitress on the first actual meet up (not even a date) so maybe you're moving too fast. And if you are better for her than the other guy, that will be pretty plain very quickly.