Andi2 Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 Thanks for taking the time to read this, I know it's a long story BUT I NEED HELP!!! My husband and I met when we were 17, and are both now 38. We have two kids. He is my best friend and has said many many times that I am his best friend by a long way! The family moved 2 years ago but hubbie couldn't move job, and still will not be able to for another year - 18 months, so we bought a flat for him to live in whilst he was working and he came to us for weekends. I found out he had been having an affair for 2 months, to me faithfulness is paramount and it is killing me as I had copies of all of the emails they sent to each other during this time, and they are very intimate! He insists and I spoke to her and she said that they did not have sex, although they went to bed together (he apparently couldn't get an erection!) He said he was lonely and as she was married she was easy company! Me being 150 miles away I would never find out, and he was flattered by the attention. He said she was only ever a substitute for me and he wished it was me he was with, she never was a rival. He is now commuting whenever possible ( he works shifts) and driving for 4 hours a day to show how committed he is to us, although he is starting work at 5am for the next week so will have to go to the flat. I can't get the words out of my head, and don't know if I can ever truly love him again as the hurt is so bad! We do have a great sex life, 5 times a week usually and we are VERY compatible sexually. Should I stay for the good sex, financial reasons, he is great company and I really enjoy being around him, he is and will probably always be my best friend- and probably the biggest one - for the Kids, who would be devastated! The way I have been devastated by this is affecting my mood and I will drive him away if I continue the confrontations and fights. What should I do? can you truly get over this? If I decide I can't go on with this will I regret not trying hard enough in a few years? HELP PLEASE!!!! He has asked me to move back down to with him, I feel that I could not do that to the kids, we moved here to better their lives, moving from a bad area to a nicer one, and everything for them has been hugely positive. If I moved them back they would not know if they were coming or going! In fareness to him he is still there to go through a promotion process that will then be transferrable to the area we now live in. ( He is a police officer) and I know that he is doing what he feels is best for the family work wise. I just don't know how I can ever get to forgive let alone forget this! I know I have made mistakes, I was complacent thinking we had the best relationship of every one we knew, we are the only ones I know that didn't have huge issues and really liked being together (shows what I know!) I knew this living apart was going to be tough but actually originally thought it would only be for 12 - 18 months, 2 years later we are looking at another 12 months! I don't think I would ever find anyone else like him, he is my other half literally! But how do you forgive and forget??? I know that he is not having any contact with her, I have spoken to her and she was stunned to find out he was married, he told her he was separated ( which he kind of was!) I have access to his email account (he does not know this!!!) (that is how I found this all out, and him and her being married that is how they communicated) She wants nothing more to do with him as she is also worried about the repercussions on her marriage! I do believe that she honestly thought he was separated and there has been no further contact since I found out (I have been checking!) It still dominates my every thought though! Because I have the email info I know exactly when it started and when they met etc, he thinks I hired a Detective to follow him! I did find out by accident, I was not checking his emails routinely, which is why it was going on for 2 months before I found it, if I had been checking his emails I would have found out as soon as it started!
JadeStar Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 I think people can recover from affairs, however it depends on what you all both really want. Do you feel he is committed to wanting to get passed this? Do you feel you are? Theres alot of people that can forgive but not forget. Being that I haven't been in a situation like this, I would imgaine it would be hard to forget. However, I think right now the best thing is to maybe get into some marriage counseling for you both. Someone that can help you both deal with what has happened and to help you move forward in your marriage if its what you want to do. If you feel that this is not a fixable situation and are not willing to try to salvage it, then it might be best to move on. Its all in what you both feel you need to do. Good luck. Jade
lust4life Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 after infidelity. I am almost three years past discoverying my Husbands affair, the two years after that day were really very very hard. I have to tell you it is extremely hard to make a marriage better while in the same house, it is going to be harder for you probably. With caution I want to tell you that almost all cheaters start with "but we didn't have sex." I didn't buy that from my husband and made him go get std tested and set an appt. for myself the day after I found out about the affair. Cheaters lie and do damage control until they just can't get away with it anymore. I doubted my husband telling the truth so much that to build back some trust I had him take a polygraph test. polytest.org It helped to prove he had finally told the truth. I would suggest you ask you husband to take a test also. Isn't there a hardship transfer policy within the police dept?
Author Andi2 Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 He admitted he went to bed with her fully intent on having sex, he had bought condoms (for protection of stds as he has had vasectomy) however said he could not get an errection, he has said treat it as if he did have sex, he intended to but couldn't. (She has confirmed that they did not have sex, she has been quite open as she was led to believe he was avaiable and it was a shock to her too (does not excuse he own infidelity though!) I have made him get std checked and hiv already, that was the first thing I did! He can transfer but is in the process of going for promotion and will then transfer here after he has tried for the promotion once in London. Thanks for your replies, I know has only told me what he thinks he can get away with, the info re not getting an errection was said after I told him I has spoken to her and she had told me everything (he thought I knew!)
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