Unrequitedlover Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 I have been dating this coworker for a short while and he is ready to make us official. I just haven’t developed romantic feelings for him. I thought I would because I’m super comfortable around him and we have this easy-flirty chemistry but there is just something missing. It’s awkward because we work together and see each other almost every day. He is a very nice guy, but I just can’t force myself to love someone if the right chemistry just isn’t there. How to gently tell him that? Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Break up with him and quite stringing him on. Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 I like you but it is just not working for me. Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 I have been dating this coworker for a short while and he is ready to make us official. That is your job to bring that up when you are ready, NOT his. He is the needy "nice guy" that wants to lock you down so that no other guy takes you away from him. He is a very nice guy, but I just can’t force myself to love someone if the right chemistry just isn’t there. How to gently tell him that? The whole "nice guy" thing is exactly why you are NOT falling in love with him. If he was more confident and more "edgy" you would be going crazy over him. It is human nature. You just tell him,...period. You just tell him. Being gentle is not doing him any favors. He is never going to get better at interacting with women unless it stings a little to motivate him to figure it out. Check out some of these videos on the "nice guy" problem. They could seriously help him,...but it will help you as well. You need to understand your own nature better so that you aren't so confused by you feelings about certain types of guys. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6Iaz96RkYE-MOjnq5NPgqw/search?query=nice+guy Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 He is the needy "nice guy" that wants to lock you down so that no other guy takes you away from him. Is that really "needy", or just sensible? Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Joe, the hardest part about dating is when you realize that there's just not enough chemistry to continue even though there's nothing to point to. We gave it a try but this isn't going to work for me. I wish you the best of luck in finding what you're looking for...I'm sure you will find it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Is that really "needy", or just sensible? No it is needy. It is a man coming from a place of fear, a scarcity mindset,a feeling that he doesn't have a lot of options. Tones of social and psychological research have gone into this kind of response. So I don't say it lightly. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 I have been dating this coworker for a short while and he is ready to make us official. I just haven’t developed romantic feelings for him. I thought I would because I’m super comfortable around him and we have this easy-flirty chemistry but there is just something missing. It’s awkward because we work together and see each other almost every day. He is a very nice guy, but I just can’t force myself to love someone if the right chemistry just isn’t there. How to gently tell him that? that's a good start. tell him you are quite fond of him----- as a dear friend. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Boggles the mind that someone would "date" another person that they weren't attracted to romantically/sexually...Are people really that needy for dates? Just tell him the truth...There isn't any more to say.. TFY 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 I have been dating this coworker for a short while and he is ready to make us official. I just haven’t developed romantic feelings for him. I thought I would because I’m super comfortable around him and we have this easy-flirty chemistry but there is just something missing. It’s awkward because we work together and see each other almost every day. He is a very nice guy, but I just can’t force myself to love someone if the right chemistry just isn’t there. How to gently tell him that? Tell him that you like him only as a friend and not as a lover and you'd like to keep things as professional as possible going forward. Stop engaging in any behavior that would lead any reasonable person to believe that you're just messing with his head and stringing him along so you won't be alone. If you dont' see anything romantic with him, then no more dates, no more hanging out alone together---because all that says "I want to still try with you" and if you're on here saying you don't, then you are sending mixed messages to him and that's not fair. Also, don't poop where you eat. Leave coworkers off your dating list. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 nice guys finish last Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 No it is needy. It is a man coming from a place of fear, a scarcity mindset,a feeling that he doesn't have a lot of options. Tones of social and psychological research have gone into this kind of response. So I don't say it lightly. Maybe he is correct, maybe he doesn't have a lot of options, maybe he will never have a lot of options, some men don't or maybe he's sees her as a once in a lifetime golden opportunity. Who knows?. Why wouldn't he then want to lock a good option down? What is so wrong with a man showing a bit of interest and being decisive and going after what he wants? Not every man is knee deep in women and can afford to play macho games so as not to appear "needy"... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Boggles the mind that someone would "date" another person that they weren't attracted to romantically/sexually...Are people really that needy for dates? Just tell him the truth...There isn't any more to say.. TFY Why is it in other threads they say this is negative and they should give themselves or the other person a chance to warmup to them? lol This validates my point that they should simply tap out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Joe, the hardest part about dating is when you realize that there's just not enough chemistry to continue even though there's nothing to point to. We gave it a try but this isn't going to work for me. I wish you the best of luck in finding what you're looking for...I'm sure you will find it. ^ This one. And do not offer him a friendship outside of work. It will only string him along and make him think he has hope. Tell him you hope to still be polite and professional at work and then refuse any other offers of friendship because of work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 This is why you should never date co-workers. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 There are a few ways to do this ... the earlier and sooner, the better. The earlier you tell him, the less painful it will be for him (and for you). So there are multiple ways of telling him you don't want to date. You can lay out all the things you like about him and smile ... and then say, but dating him does not feel comfortable. It doesn't feel right. Now some guys would get the meaning of this ... and figure out that they didn't turn you on ... or others may realize they felt something missing as well. And of course, some will be devastated ... again the sooner, the less painful this will be. I would say practice saying this with yourself. Because the best thing you can do to "let him down gently" (assuming that is your goal) is to have really comfortable body language. Like if you're feeling horribly guilty when you're telling him this, he will pick up that negative energy. Keep in mind: you ARE doing this guy a tremendous good deed. There is nothing worse than dating someone who isn't sexually turned on by us, who doesn't feel romantic chemistry with us. It triggers insecurity in the person not longed for. And dating become a big huge tedious errand for the person in your position. Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 maybe he's sees her as a once in a lifetime golden opportunity. Who knows?.He probably does, but he shouldn't. No one is "golden" and no one is a "once in a lifetime opportunity". Again, scarcity mindset, insecurity, fearfulness,...this is where the soap opera drama that destroys relationships comes from. Why wouldn't he then want to lock a good option down? What is so wrong with a man showing a bit of interest and being decisive and going after what he wants?"Locking someone down" is not the same as "showing a bit of interest". That is mis-characterizing the situation. A guy shows a bit of interest when he offers to take her out on a date in the first place. Seeking exclusivity is a feminine trait and should be coming from the woman, and the guy needs to be masculine and confident in himself and his "value" to wait until she is ready for that and she brings up the conversation. On average it takes women 2-3 weeks longer than a man to feel like she wants that. When the guy brings it up it is almost always too soon, but the woman likes the guy enough that she doesn't want to lose him, so she says "yes". But it never feels quite right to her and it eats away at the relationship causing an erosion. As it starts to erode the guy's insecurities that caused it in the first place flare up and he starts pursuing even harder because he thinks he is losing her (which he is). Then the additional pursuit drives her even farther away and the relationship ends. In a worse case, after he gets dumped he continues to act like a stalker trying to "get her back". We see these guys write into these forums daily. We tell these guys to move on and find someone else but it is like talking to a wall. They can't see past the woman that their eyes are zeroed in on. Guys who are confident don't do any of this. They wait for her to bring up the exclusivity. If she never does bring it up and decides she doesn't want to keep seeing him, he writes it off as "her loss" and moves on. He sees himself as having enough intrinsic value that he has no doubt he will find another. Not every man is knee deep in women and can afford to play macho games so as not to appear "needy"... Again, an exaggerated mis-characterization of the situation. There are no "macho games" and no being "knee deep in women" in this conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Guys who are confident don't do any of this. They wait for her to bring up the exclusivity. If she never does bring it up and decides she doesn't want to keep seeing him, he writes it off as "her loss" and moves on. He sees himself as having enough intrinsic value that he has no doubt he will find another. Who made this nonsense up? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 What do you mean, “he is ready to make you official?” Like did he tell you he was making an announcement or something? Shouldn’t that be something you decide together? If you don’t like him, just tell him you like him as a friend but that’s it. When did you realize you didn’t like him? Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 that's a good start. tell him you are quite fond of him----- as a dear friend. Please do not say the above unless you really want to stick the knife in and twist it to make it hurt even worse than you just telling him it is not working for you... Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Just say it...no feeling it, not interested in taking this any further. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unrequitedlover Posted November 14, 2018 Author Share Posted November 14, 2018 What do you mean, “he is ready to make you official?” Like did he tell you he was making an announcement or something? Shouldn’t that be something you decide together? If you don’t like him, just tell him you like him as a friend but that’s it. When did you realize you didn’t like him? Yes, he wants us to be a couple. When we kissed was when I knew. I felt nothing. There have been a few moments where I have been sexually attracted to him, but nothing more. I don’t do fwb or anything of that type and have told him that upfront. I just don’t have romantic feelings towards him, and kind of found out that he is not the type of man I want to be in a relationship with. Link to post Share on other sites
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