candamar Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 I need some advice again, you guys were so helpful last time i posted. For an insight, and to avoid a lengthy repetion of details, my original problem is posted in the marriage section under the heading "Feeling trapped in an unfulfilling marriage". Basically, the day after my last post on the above thread i walked out of my marriage. That was on May 16th. Now, 4 months later i have got myself settled in my own house, i have saved and furnished it and got myself a car. I have seen a lawyer and i am preparing to file for divorce. The guy who was my illicit lover when i was married asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and we have spent much more time together, even taken a holiday together. We have introduced each other to our respective families and have both been included in each others' family gatherings. So why am i still not 101% happy? Don't get me wrong, i am definitely 99% happier but every now and then something happens that starts a viscious circle of self destruction. The latest has been this weekend. My (ex) husband has developed a habit of calling me and being nasty about anything he can think of so i have stopped answering the phone. Yesterday he caught me off guard, i picked up and it was him. Initially he was reasonably pleasant, then he progressed to tell me about the girl he had met a few days ago and went into explicit detail of the fantastic sex they had been having, and i mean EXPLICIT detail - all the things they had done together and how much he had enjoyed it. I told him it was inappropriate and ended the call. It doesn't bother me in the least that he is seeing someone, i'd be a hypocrite if it did, but what did upset me was that for the majority of my marriage he had never been interested in sex. He would physically push me away if i tried to initiate sex and he frequently told me i was dirty and disgusting for asking for sex. When i stopped trying to initiate sex he then said i was frigid. So this phone call starts me off. I called my boyfriend and he was out. Ordinarily this wouldn't be a problem, neither of us "report in" to the other with our every move, we both respect each others' space and the need for time with buddies. However, having said that, when my ex husband has said something to upset me i get massively paranoid and turn into some psychotic nuisance. I called my boyfriend and left more and more increasingly desperate messages on his voicemail. Turns out he went out for some beers with his buddy but i had all kinds of mad manic thoughts running through my head. Like was he with another girl? or had he had an accident? or was he ignoring me because he didn't want me anymore? It's crazy and it's so out of character for me to get like that. My boyfriend has been amazing, so supportive and understanding, even though these "incidents" have triggered bad memories for him (he was in a relationship in the past where the girl constantly accused him of cheating (he wasn't) and she would leave these sort of desperate voicemails, check up on him etc.) I've not got this bad very often, literally just two or three times since i left my husband but i'm so worried that my boyfriend won't tolerate it and will end our relationship. I don't want to drive him away because other than this our relationship is fantastic, his actions and words prove that he adores me and i feel the same way about him. For the majority of the time i manage to successfully avoid taking my ex husband's calls but he is finding more and more sneaky ways of getting to speak to me. I have asked him not to contact me but he takes no notice and if i don't pick up he starts with text messages, usually making out he needs help or advice. I'd appreciate any advice on how i can stop this circle of self destruction every time i inadvertently have contact with my ex husband, and also why on earth does he still get to me? I mean, i was SOOOO unhappy in my marriage, surely getting out of the horrendous stiuation i was in should have left me ecstatic where nothing could bother me.
Merin Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 IF you and your STBEXH DON'T have an Little People together, then my advice would be to block him on email, change your phone number and let him know that ANY communication that needs to take place can be done through your attorney. Regarding your BF.... IF he hasn't given you reason to believe that he's doing anything wrong (cheating or lying) then I would advise when you get those crazy thougths that he's doing something he shouldn't be, WAIT for a couple of hours OR better yet, sleep on things a day BEFORE you start calling like a crazy person with accusations... give yourself enough time to talk yourself down.... Your STBEXH telling you details of sex with someone else... hmmm... My guess is he knows you pretty damn well still and he knows what buttons to push to send you over the edge... IMO he probably didn't have the great sex he was telling you about, he was just looking for reaction and he got it. Indifference to an EX is often hard to attain, but you'll get there eventually.
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